Breathe (30 page)

I grabbed his hand again and squeezed it.
‘I never blamed you. I knew what I was getting myself into. I just thought I could handle it.’

‘
So you forgive me?’

‘
There’s nothing to forgive.’

He closed his eyes, and I could see his whole body relax. He must be tired. This was taking a strain on him too.

‘So, can you tell me exactly what happened today?’

‘
It was nothing.’

‘
Please. Humour me.’

‘
Fine. I was meeting Alice for lunch, but then we where approached by a journalist wanting to ask Alice some questions, and we rushed to the hotel to get away. It kind of freaked me out, because I was afraid he would recognise me. So I was already out of balance when we met Julia in the hallway, and she asked to speak with me.’

‘
Julia approached you?’

‘
Yes. She was upset that you refused to talk to her, and made it seem like that was my fault. Then she said something else, and I got all worked up, and she was angry, and I didn’t handle it too well. I have a problem dealing with angry people,’ I said ashamed. ‘I start hyperventilated, and then panic because I can’t get enough air, it’s all very stupid.’

‘
That’s what happened when I was at your apartment the last time?’ I didn’t want to think about that time. It was too painful. But I nodded, and felt a traitorous tear run down my chin.’

‘
I’m so, so sorry, Sara. I was confused. I felt betrayed. I’m sorry.’

‘
It doesn’t matter,’ I answered. ‘I survived.’

‘
Alice told me you stopped eating.’

‘
Alice should learn to keep her mouth shut.’

‘
She only said it when she was scolding me for all the things I had done to you, she was pretty angry with me. I had to do a lot of sweet-talking to get her to trust me. She loves you very much.’

‘
She is the best friend. I love her too. I was really excited to see her again today, but it didn’t turn out that well.’  

‘
I’m sorry.’

‘
It wasn’t your fault.’

‘
What did Julia say to make you upset.’

‘
Nothing. It doesn’t matter.’

‘
Tell me. I need to know.’

I was ashamed of it, because the words had caused me so much pain.
‘She told me I should have known better. I didn’t deserve you, I was only one of plenty. I was nothing.’

The driver broke it off then, by lowering the glass partition long enough to ask for my street number. We were closing in on Newcastle, and he wanted to put my address in the GPS. Christopher’s phone rang at the same time, and I saw her name at the display before he turned it off.

‘You should talk to her, tell her everything is ok,’ I said.

‘
I’m tired of all her lies and excuses.’

I didn’t comment on that. I was home soon, and had to prepare
myself to say goodbye to him. At least this time I got to say good-bye. Now that he knew I would be ok, he would stop feeling guilty. Although I didn’t know if I would be ok. How long before the journalist came here looking for me? Would I ever stop running? 

Christopher broke the silence first.
‘I want you to know that there isn’t anyone else. It has been a long time since I had been with someone, and none of them even came close to what we had.’

‘
Stop it, Christopher. I can’t hear words like that. It only makes it more painful when you leave.’

‘
But I need to say them. I can’t leave you again without letting you know that I love you. I had made so many mistakes with you, and that I don’t deserve you, but I love you.’

‘
You love me?’ My mind refused to accept his words.

‘
I love you,’ he said again, slowly this time, while grabbing both my hands.

And then I started crying. I was deeply ashamed, but I couldn’t
help myself. Even as the car stopped and the driver told us we where outside my house, my sobbing continued. Finally, Christopher had to carry me to the door, because I refused to let go of him, and he had to ring the bell so the Durhams would open it. I didn’t know how they reacted, because I was sobbing in Christopher’s chest the whole way up to my bedroom. I heard him shut the door behind us while reassuring them that I would be fine. Then he climbed into bed with me and held me until I fell asleep exhausted by the outburst.

I woke by his hand stroking my hair. ‘Good morning, beautiful.’

I was on my stomach, still dressed in the clothes from yesterday.
The room was bathing in sunlight.

‘
Am I still dreaming,’ I murmured, not wanting to wake up.

‘
Are you ever going to tell me what happened to your hair?’ He was twisting one of the locks with his finger.

‘
I think they had to remove some of it to do the stitching,’ I said, and stretched my body. I was relived to find my head didn’t hurt as much.

‘
I was thinking more of the colour. I never pictured you for a redhead.’

‘
I needed a changed. Is it bad?’

‘
No, I think it’s sexy. How long until your head is well enough for some exercise?’

Something in his look informed that the exercise he had in mind didn’t require getting out of bed. Was I really doing this? Did I trust him? I didn’t have much of a choice, I
couldn’t imagine letting him go.

‘
Why don’t you come back to bed, and we’ll see?’

We were having some coffee in the living room later in the day. I hadn’t seen the Durhams, and wondered if they stayed away on purpose to give us some space. Christopher was enjoying the view.

‘
The beach looks fantastic,’ he said, looking down the road to Bar beach.

‘
I know. It’s really beautiful here.’

‘
Let’s go for a swim. Do you know if they sell bathing shorts down at the beach?’

I looked at him, shocked.
‘You want to go outside? With me? Amongst people?’

‘
They already know, anyway. I’m tired of hiding, and I’m tired of playing by Julia’s rules. It’s a beautiful day, it’s a shame to spend it inside.’ He was smiling and didn’t show any hint of insincerity.

‘
You’re joking, right? How long do you think we can walk before someone recognise you.’

‘
I don’t care. I’m done caring.’

‘
Well, I care. I have to live here. How do you think it will be for me when you pack up and leave?’ I had tried not to think about that.

‘
I’m not leaving you, I want you to come with me.’

‘
What? Where?’

‘
I want you to come home with me. Home to London.’

‘
I don’t have a home in London anymore.’ I wanted to go back. I missed London. I missed him. But I couldn’t handle getting hurt again.

‘
You will stay with me, of course.’

‘
At you house? With Julia in the next room? I don’t think so, Christopher.’

‘
We’ll get our own house, of course. And Julia has to sign the papers now. Even she understands that.’

‘
What papers are you talking about? Are you divorcing her?’

‘
Yes. It’s past time. Besides, the farce is exposed now anyway, so there is no reason for us to stay together. I’m not even sure I like her anymore, I don’t recognise the person she has turned in to.’

‘
She loves you, Christopher.’ I tried not to picture the future he offered me. This wasn’t happening. I couldn’t hope for a future with him. And no matter what he said, he was still married.

‘
No, she wants me because she is loosing me. And it doesn’t matter. I love you. I want to marry you.’

That made me stop in my tracks. Marry me? Did he just propose? I had to sit down.

‘Look, I know it is a lot to consider, and I haven’t given you that much reason to trust me in the past, but I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Yes, the media will be massive at first, but it will pass. They will leave us alone eventually. And as long as we are together, that’s all that matters. We can do this, together. Starting today. I love you. Marry me. Give me a chance to prove to you that we can do this. Are you crying? Why are you crying? Sara, are you ok?’

He bent down in front of me
, and I could see worry in his face in my blurry vision. But I wasn’t crying. I was overwhelmed. My mind had caved, and I started to believe him. I started picturing a future with him in it. Him and me. Me and him. I could deal with Julia, the photographers and the media exposer, as long as I did it by his side. I wrapped my hands around his head and pulled him close to me.

‘
Yes, Christopher. I will marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.’

And I knew, without a doubt, that I could face anything as long as he loved me. We would do this. Toge
ther. I finally belonged. 

«
And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you

because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places.

Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.»
- Roald Dahl

I am
walking down the main path in Kensington Gardens. The June sun is warming my face, and I stop to sit at a bench half way across the park. I love this place. I feel at peace here. A noise came from the carrycot beside me, and I glance over to see if Catherine is ok. She is turning four months now, but I still have to check her every time she makes a sound. A guy with a camera is standing a hundred feet away from me, but he doesn’t approach. If he does, then Charles would stop him before he got too close. I never answer any questions anyway, so they keep their distance most of the time. I am getting used to the picture taking, it doesn’t bother me as much as it did two years ago. And I feel safe with Charles by my side. I didn’t care what they wrote either, I never read any of it. I knew they had tried to dig about my past and my money, and I knew Alfred had done some heavy burying. So far, none of them knew that I had living relatives back in Norway.

Anna sent me a text to tell me Christopher’s plane just landed. I want to be home when he arrived, so I get up and walk the same direction I came from. I don’t live in my old apartment, because that belonged to Bradford & Benner. Instead, Christopher had bought a larger apartment in the building across the street, so I would have the same fantastic view. He also bought a small cabin near the Jefferson farm, as a wedding present for me last year. It is a great getaway, whenever I need to get away from it all. But so far I find myself surprisingly content. Christopher doesn’t travel as much after we got Catherine, but when he has too, I fo along with him or spend my days surrounded by friends. Alice is thrilled to have me back in London, and Una and Mark came back too. I even spend time with Julia, who isn’t that bad once she stopped treating me like the enemy. She finally realised that she had to let Christopher go. I also have a new friend, who currently lives in my old apartment. Sandra came back, to attend a drama school. I’m not sure what my father thinks about me hanging out with my little sister, I still hadn’t heard from him. But I don’t care. I am content with life. I am more than content, I am happy. I have a family, and I have love. The darkness is gone. The sun is shining.