Breathe (27 page)

‘Who?’ I knew it before she answered.

‘The fucking paparazzi.’

And then my
hyperventilation hit.

I was floating. All around me was darkness, pressing itself around my body. But the air came natural despite the pressure. I could breathe again. And I felt calm, despite the black. This was ok. I could stay here and be ok. I knew if I opened my eyes, a terrible reality would come rushing, so I kept them closed. I was ok. 
 

‘How is she?’

Someone was talking in my living room.
Reality was forcing it self on me. I didn’t want that. I squeezed my eyes harder to kept the light out. I knew I was in my bed, but I didn’t know how I got here. The light shone through the window, creating a red light behind my eyelids. I could feel the sun warming my face. Wasn’t it supposed to be evening? There was something that had happened. Something bad. But I couldn’t remember what. I didn’t want to remember. I wanted the darkness again.

‘It’s bad. I didn’t know what to do.’

It was
Alice’s voice. She was here before, she helped me breathe. Why was I having trouble breathing? Then she gave me a glass of lemonade, and I got all tired. I’m so tired.   

‘
Is she awake?’

‘
I gave her some sedative as soon as I got her to breath normal.’

‘
Good. I’ll take it from here. I have a driver waiting in the basement that can take you home. There are still a few photographers outside.’

‘
Are you sure you can handle this? I can stay. Maybe you should call her father?’

‘
I’m handling it. Thank you for your help, Alice.’

‘
She’s my friend. I worry about her.’

‘
I know. I worry too.’ 

The darkness gave me mercy again
, because the next time I woke, there was night outside. I felt rested but groggy. I got up and went to the bathroom, and realised I was still in my zebra dress.

I heard a man
’s voice from the living room. It sounded like Alfred. What was he doing here? Alice must have called him. Why? As I stared into the bathroom mirror and saw rivers of mascara down my cheeks, it all came back to me. Erik. Christopher. He was still angry. He had hit Erik. Then I remembered the people looking at us, the photographers, Alice dragging me home. Now Alfred was here. How bad was it?

I cleaned
myself up and changed to some sweats. Then I went to face him. He was standing by the window, talking to someone on the phone. When he saw me, he hung up.

‘
You look like shit.’ It was a strange word to hear from a distinguished guy like Alfred. He had always sounded so professional. I must have really screwed things up.

‘
I feel like shit too,’ I answered, and walked past him into the kitchen. I needed coffee.

He followed me, and watched as I filled my mug with Intenso. Maybe I should have stayed in bed.
I shoved the curtain to the side and looked outside. A man was standing on the sidewalk with a huge camera lens pointed towards me. I quickly let go of the curtain and took a step back.

‘
Quite a mess you made out there,’ Alfred said dryly.

‘
It wasn’t my fault’ I answered defensively.

‘
It doesn’t make the mess any smaller, non-the-less.’

‘
I know. Can you fix it?’

‘
I’m not sure. Your frontline news girlie. Your father is rather upset about the whole thing.’

Oh, God. Like I didn’t have enough to deal with.

‘I’m sure he is all heartbroken. Or is he afraid his “secret” is going to surface?’

‘
You know he cares about you.’

‘
Bullshit!’ I didn’t want to talk about him. ‘Can you fix this or not?’

‘
You probably need to leave London. In any case, you need to move out of this apartment. They know where you live.’

‘
Is it Erik? Is he the one who ratted me out?’

‘
No. He came by earlier, right after I got here. I told him that he would be wise to keep his mouth shut, because I had some pretty condemning hospital records from two years back, and a few witness statements.’

‘
I never pressed charges against him.’

‘
I know, but as long as we have the evidence, it doesn’t mean you can’t do it later. I would love to see his face behind bars.’

‘
Did Alice tell you that he just showed up at my apartment?’

‘
Yes. I never told her about him. I regret that now. I didn’t think he would find you.’

‘
Well, we can thank your secretary for that,’ I answered grimly.

He cursed low; I had never heard hi
m curse before. He must be really stressed out. I hoped he got fairly compensated for having to take care of me. At my age, he shouldn’t have to, though. I should be adult enough to take care of myself.

‘
Julia Petrelli is the one who gave them your name.’

‘
What?’ I couldn’t believe it.

‘
Yes. Apparently she dropped a press release stating that her husband had an affair with you, and that they had reconciled and was now working on they’re marriage. The event at the premiere was a misunderstanding, and had nothing to do with his affair. She asked that the press would leave them alone in this difficult time.’

‘
She said that? Seriously?’

‘
Yes. She also said that you had seduced her husband in a weak moment, but that she forgave him and that she had chosen to look past this moment of weakness.’

‘
That mother fucking bitch from hell. So I’m the bad guy?’

‘
Yes, from her point of view it would seem so. The press is eating it alive. They want your side of the story.’

‘
Well, I’m not giving it. Fuck.’ 

‘
Anna Turner called.’ He waited for my reaction.

‘
What? Why? What did she say?’

‘
She was worried about you, and wanted to know if you were all right. I told her you had a stressful summer, and that you needed to be left alone.’

‘
What? Why?’

‘
He isn’t good for you. The sooner you realise that the better. And do you really need more press cover?’  

‘
It was already over,’ I muttered.

‘
It didn’t look that way to me.’

‘
Look, I don’t know what happened. Erik is pretty good at provoking people.’

‘
Yes, well the situation is the same no matter how it happened. I doubt you can leave this apartment any time soon. The best is if we can move you elsewhere. Is there anywhere you would like to go? Do you want to go back home?’

‘
I’m not going back home. I want to go as far away as possible.’

‘
I have an old friend who is a professor in Newcastle. I can try to get you in there, if you’d like to continue studying art.’

‘
Newcastle isn’t far enough. I need to leave the country.’

‘
I meant Newcastle in Australia.’

‘
Oh.’ I had never been that far away. That was like the other side of the planet. And it was sunny, and warm and far, far away. I didn’t know anyone there, but I didn’t when I got here either.

‘
Yes. I would love to try out Australia. I’m not sure on the school thing, though, but I could give it a try.’

‘
Actually, you probably need to enrol to get access to the country, since you are Norwegian. If not, you have to travel on tourist visa, and have a return ticket. You are not allowed to work there unless you do it part time while studying. How are you moneywise?’

‘
Fine.’ Honestly, I hadn’t touched much of the trust fond, since I have been living for free, and didn’t go crazy when shopping. I probably spent less than the interest rate. I hadn’t really given it much thought.

‘
Well, let me know if there is any problem. I will make sure your student fee is taken care of.’

W
ow, my father must be really anxious to get me far away. He bought him self out of it as usual. I didn’t care. I needed to get out of here, and I was glad Alfred helped me achieve it.

It took almost a week before I could leave, and in the meantime I had to stay indoor. Alice was beside herself in self-blame. She had been trying to get me out of the apartment for weeks, and when she finally managed it, it got worse. Now even she had to be sneaked in and out to meet me, because she had been seen with me that night. She brought me some magazines so I could read what they wrote about me, but I didn’t even peak. And I didn’t dare to go online or watch the news. Apparently, they had linked me with the airport photo, so that story was hot too. Alice told me the Petrellis had the main focus, and Julia had apparently gone back to New York. Nobody knew where Christopher was. I tried not to care. I didn’t hear from Erik, and neither Alice nor Alfred mentioned him.

Alfred arranged all the practical bits, and got me enrolled at the University of Newcastle,
Fine Art department. He made sure the movers came and removed what I didn’t want to bring, and put it in a storage house. I told them to take everything in the studio, I decided I would buy new equipment when I got there. I also packed away all my books, the stereo and my winter wardrobe. All the furniture belonged to the apartment.  Alfred made sure most of my clothes were shipped off separately, so I only had to bring a small suitcase with me on the plane. I wished I could go for one final run in the park. But I knew I couldn’t. I could still see photographers when I glanced out the window. I had to say goodbye to my beautiful apartment with my fantastic view. It was time to move on.

«In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.»
- Robert Frost

It took a few days before I adjusted to the time difference, the air and the aussie people.
The weather wasn’t as warm as I had thought it would be, especially at night. But the sun was shining, and I wore sunblock even if they had winter time here. I loved the smell of the air, all the strange flowers and trees, and the salty ocean. Newcastle was a small coastal city about a hundred miles north of Sidney. I stayed at the house of Alfred’s friend and his wife, until I could find my own place to rent. They had picked me up at the airport, and treated me like they had known me forever. Mrs Mary Durham was a chatter, something she made clear the first time I saw her.

‘
My, you are a pretty girl. Now, I’m Marybell Durham, but you can call me Mary. Is that your luggage? Mike will take it. Did you have a pleasant trip? It was long, wasn’t it? Oh, girl, you are too skinny, we have to do something about that. But don’t worry, love, we will fatten you up in no time. I don’t understand girls these days, they don’t eat a thing. My Marybeth is the same. All skin and bones. I used to be a nurse, I know what’s healthy and not, but does she listen to me? Never.’

And then she went on and on about her daughter, before we drove past a church, and she started with the history lessons. I rarely got in a word. Mike Durham didn’t say a thing, he just smiled reassuringly, like he was used to Mary talking people their head off. 

They where both very nice, and told me I could stay as long as I wanted. They’re own kids had moved to Sydney and Melbourne, so they thought it was nice to have some youngster in the house again. I was feeling a little old to be called a youngster, but the couple was in their mid sixties, so I supposed to them I was young. Mary had lived in Newcastle all her life, and she told me about the places I had to see. My first stop, though, would have to be the university, because the classes had already started when I got here. And this was the second semester, so I would have to jump right in. 

The Durhams had a large house on a hill above Bar beach, and my room had an amazing view of the ocean. It topped having a view of Kensington Gardens
, but it didn’t make me miss London any less. The beach was only a couple of hundred metes down the road, and it stretched forever. Mary told me this was only one of several beaches I Newcastle, and in her mind the very best. But it was too cold to bath now, she told me. I guessed she had never been to Norway. This temperature was summertime for us.

I was walking along the beach in the middle of September, feeling the waves as they curled around my toes. When I closed my eyes and listened to the sea gulls screaming, it felt like being back home. I had lived by the coast then too, and the sound of the waves soothes me. I wasn’t adjusting very well. The main reason was that I didn’t have Alice. I hadn’t realised how an important part she was of my life. She was the one who made sure I didn’t shut myself in, she made me socialize and party and made sure I connected with people. After a month at the university, I had barley spoken with any of my classmates. They were all very outgoing and friendly, and asked me to join them several times, but I chickened out and stayed away. After a while, they stopped asking. I talked with Alice on the phone occasionally, but didn’t tell her how secluded I felt. I knew it was my own fault. I was afraid too, that someone would recognize me. I could still see pictures on the front of magazines of Julia and Christopher, and one time of me too, but I never picked one up and read what the article said. No picture had a full view of my face, Alice had informed me of that, and she had made it her mission to keep track of things. But I had changed my looks anyway. One of the first days in Newcastle was spent at a hairdresser, cutting my long chestnut hair to above the shoulders, and colouring it bright red. It was different, and Mary hadn’t recognised me at first when I got home that day. I still lived with them, and she treated me like her own. It felt nice and secure, but I was afraid I was taking advantages. I told her one day that I would start looking for a place, but she wouldn’t hear it.