Breathe Again (23 page)

Tate

One month later

T
HIS WAS
fucked.

What kind of karma was this?

I felt like a selfish asshole because all I wanted was for my girlfriend and son to pack up and leave Australia and come back to me, but how could I really wish for that when Mr. Davenport was on the brink of death in Australia?

So many times I had wanted to beg Savannah to jump on the next plane and come home, but I knew I couldn’t. She needed to be the one to make the decision to come back to me. I wasn’t going to be the cause of her leaving Mr. Davenport, because I knew she would never forgive me if something were to happen and I would never forgive myself if I were the cause of her not being there, if god forbid, something did happen. All I could do was pray that she made the decision and soon.

I had never felt this extent on loneliness before. It was gut-ripping, heart-twisting and breath-consuming cruelty. It was like being in a constant state of distraction, a place between reality and fantasy, a world where you hoped that you were about to wake up from the worst nightmare of your life.

“Tate, seriously, not again.” Tanzi’s words ripped me from my tender thoughts.

Every morning it was the same. I’d get lost in my thoughts and Tanzi was the only one who could pull me from them.

From the stove, she quickly grabbed the pan of what was supposed to contain scrambled eggs but now was just smoking charcoal. “You need to pay attention.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled, grabbing my glass of orange juice from the bench top and walking out of the kitchen and towards the living room.

“Wait,” Tanzi’s strong, pleading voice echoed from the kitchen. Stopping in my tracks, I dropped my head and awaited her next words. “I am worried about you, Tate. It’s been a month. What happens if they don’t come back for a while? I hate seeing you like this. What can I do?”

“You can bring back my son and girlfriend.”

I left Tanzi speechless in the kitchen as I rushed out of the apartment, desperate to get away from the inquisition. I couldn’t get into a conversation where the subject was Max and Sav being away for an extended period of time. I couldn’t even begin to fathom that idea. My one place of refuge over the past month had been Red Velvet. It was the one place where I could get lost in the craziness of business meetings and expansion opportunities. Now, as I worked twelve-hour shifts most days, it was my one place of solitude.

It was early when I arrived—the cleaners were still there—and I knew I had the empty bar for a few hours before I had to deal with conversation.

Sliding into my chair, I opened my laptop and looked at a blank email before beginning to tap feverishly at the keys.

From: Tate Connors

To: Savannah Rae

Time: 08.48am PST

Subject: I miss you

Hi Sav,

I miss you. It’s as simple as that. What else can I say? I miss your touch, your taste, your lips, and your smell. I miss every single thing about you. You are making me into some mushy guy who is pining over his girlfriend. Fuck, I even slept with one of your t-shirts the other night just so I could feel somewhat near you.

How is the little guy doing? I hope he isn’t getting into too much mischief. Thank you for the Skype call the other night. You don’t realize how much it meant to be able to see and hear you both.

How is everything with Mr. D? Is there any change in his condition? What are the doctors saying?

I really do miss you both so much. I knew it would be tough but I didn’t think it would be this tough. Please take care of yourself Sav. Mr. Davenport needs you strength and so does Max.

I love you Savannah.

Tate.

Savannah

I
WAS
exhausted, both physically and mentally. Days were running into each other like I was in some messed-up Groundhog Day. Everything was predictable—my days, my emotions, and my reactions. My day involved waking up at six a.m. with Max jumping in bed with me. We would climb out of bed after our morning phone call with Tate. Then I’d make his favorite breakfast and watch our morning cartoons while I caught up with emails from the States. We would dress and then make our way to the hospital, where we would spend most of the day.

I had no clue what else to do. My emotions were a wreck, I was constantly on edge and my phone was always glued to my hand in case there is any change in Mr. Davenport while I wasn’t around. I spent hour after hour sitting beside an unresponsive Mr. Davenport, not knowing whether my presence was even helping. My bedside vigil would remain until I saw him open his eyes, but the longer I stayed, the more my relationship with Tate suffered. There was nothing win-win about this, and I knew for a fact that I was destroying the best thing that had ever happened to me and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.

“Savannah.”

I lifted my head from its resting position on the mattress beside my hand that was holding Mr. Davenport’s to find Justine standing by the door with Max in her arms. She had been my constant companion since I had arrived in Sydney. She would look after Max while I would talk with the doctors, and she would take him to the hospital park when my emotions got the better of me. Without her, I had no clue what I would have become.

“Let’s go and grab a coffee in the cafeteria.”

My eyes shot to Mr. Davenport anxiously, not wanting to be away from him for a moment. It was hell leaving him at night when visiting hours were over, let alone voluntarily leaving him during the time when I could be here.

She spoke softly. “Let’s take Max to grab some lunch. He misses his mummy.”

My precious Max.
His cuddles in the late hours of the night, his innocent giggles as he learned something new, and his sweet kisses first thing in the morning were everything I needed to calm the torrential downpour that life was throwing at me at the moment.

“Okay.” Agreeing, I pulled myself up from the chair that I hadn’t left for the past three hours and stood anxiously by the bed. I leaned over, taking in the still-unconscious Mr. Davenport, a stranger of himself lying before me. “Don’t go anywhere while I’m gone,” I whispered before kissing his forehead softly and turning to follow Justine and Max to the cafeteria.

After ordering sandwiches for Max and me and salad for Justine, we moved out to sit on the vast, perfectly green lawn that was shadowed by the twenty-story hospital that was beginning to feel like a second home. I was seeing the inside of that place more than I was seeing the inside of Mr. Davenport’s Bondi apartment.

“Tell me what’s going on, Savannah. I know we have only known each other a few weeks, but I see you more than I see my boyfriend and family, so if you need to talk, then speak to me.” Justine opened her salad before shooting me a pleading look. Could I really talk to her about everything? Could I open up to someone who had been a stranger less than a month ago?

“I feel useless. Is sitting beside Mr. Davenport all day every day really doing anything? I am on the other side of the world doing nothing that seems to be helping while the love of my life is in the US. Everything was perfect with Tate and me before this. We had the perfect life planned for the three of us, but then I was ripped from my present life to my past life by a single phone call and all rational thought flew out of the window and now I feel like I am stuck in limbo. I want nothing more than to be with Tate, and every morning I wake up and look at my suitcase, just wanting to pack up Max and me and go back to him, but then what happens if I leave and something happens to Mr. Davenport? I could never live with myself knowing that I wasn’t here. What do I do?”

“It’s helping, Savannah. Even though he isn’t communicating, his charts show that it’s helping. Every conversation you have with him, every time Max visits is helping. I’m not supposed to say anything, but they are going to attempt to bring him out of the coma in the next few weeks. His vitals are stable, he is responding to tests, his injuries are healing, and the swelling in his brain has subsided quicker than expected. You being here is definitely helping.”

My voice cracked with emotion as my eyes glistened with tears. “Really? You mean I may have him back soon? He might be awake? Will he be able to talk? When can he come home? When will I be able to see him?” I shot off question after desperate question.

“Hang on, Savannah.” She placed her salad on the grass beside her and grabbed my fidgeting hands. “We are going to try and bring him back. I can’t tell you exactly when but as soon as I do, I will tell you. He has had major head trauma, so we cannot guarantee that he will come out of this the same man that you remember. We are doing everything and I mean everything to bring him back to you. I promise you that I will keep you in the loop at all times. You have my word.”

I had no more words of response. Until I saw Mr. Davenport conscious, I knew my life would be
tumultuous,
but I had to keep going. The little boy that was chasing the seagulls and squealing in complete happiness needed his mum functioning like everything was okay. How could I explain everything to him? I knew he was missing Tate. He would talk to him constantly, gibbering and laughing at whatever he was saying. He’d brought a photo of Tate to the hospital today and kept saying, “Daddy.” It broke my heart. Would he hate me for keeping him from Tate? Would Tate hate me for keeping him from Max? I felt like my heart and mind were in a UFC cage, both pounding each other to the point that one would be completely fucked over and the other would win whether they were meant to win or not.

The moment we walked into the darkened apartment that Max and I now called home after being kicked out of Mr. Davenport’s room, Max shot out of my arms, ran across the living room, and launched himself onto the couch. His newfound running skills were running me rampant. He literally ran everywhere and anywhere he could. It was so damn cute but so damn exhausting. Watching him curl up in his favorite corner of the couch, I knew he would be asleep within minutes. Opening my laptop, I sat at the dining room table and began typing out everything I was feeling in a new email.

From: Savannah Rae

To: Tate Connors

Time: 20.32pm AEST

Subject: Max

Hi Tate,

Max and I just got home from the hospital and now he is curled up on the couch watching Gordy. He has seemed to have forgotten about Thomas and now everything is Gordy this, Gordy that.

Today I got news from Justine that they are going to try and bring Mr Davenport out of the coma in the next few weeks. I hate seeing Mr Davenport like this, Tate. I feel so helpless when I’m just sitting beside his bed while he lays motionless in front of me. I don’t know what I can do. I talk to him, I tell him everything Max has been doing I even read him the paper. Apparently every little bit helps but it’s so heartbreaking when I am seeing absolutely no change. It’s not even like I am looking at him anymore.

All I want is to be wrapped up in your arms and to feel your heart beat against my chest. I miss you so much, Tate. I don’t know what to do. I want to come back to you, I want to sneak into our room early one morning and climb into bed with you so I’m there when you wake up. I want to kiss you and make love to you and hear you breathing in my ear in the early hours of the morning. But then what if something happens to Mr Davenport? I would never forgive myself if I’m not here when he wakes up or if….. I can’t even say it. Why does this have to be so screwed up? Please tell me what to do? Please tell me that you understand? Please tell me that I am doing the right thing?

You have my heart,

Savannah x

Tate

Two months later

T
HE MOMENT
my phone chimed with an incoming email notification, I knew it would be Sav. Fumbling through my pockets, I pulled out my phone, instantly unlocking it and going to my Gmail app. Sure enough, it was from Sav and just seeing her name flash in front of me made my face come alive with a smile. The smallest things meant so much now.