Breathe (20 page)

He didn’t say anything right away. We stood watching the waves together. I could breathe without the pain for the first time since Jax had gone.

“I hope one day I can evoke in someone as amazing as you that kind of love and need.”

I turned my gaze to him. “It's the most amazing thing in the world when you’re together, but when it is over, it hurts. It hurts more than you could ever imagine.” I heard the words come out, and I was surprised at myself for speaking my thoughts aloud.

“Would you do it differently if you could, now that you know how it ends?”

I allowed myself to think of Jax’s smile and his arms around me, and I knew I wouldn’t change anything. Our last dance that I had memorized every second of, came back to me, and with it came the pain. My knees buckled, and Marcus’s arms came around me and held me up. I fought the pain with the happiness I had known, and it seemed to ease it. No, if I could go back and do it again, all I would do is just try to be stronger or...just more. I would try to be someone who could hold on to him. Someone who could deserve him.

“No,” I whispered, and I knew I wouldn’t miss a moment. Saying it out loud and knowing I would never forget it, or give up the memories, eased the pain a little more.

“He loves you too.” Marcus admitted into the darkness.

I wondered if he was saying those words in hopes of making me feel better, or if he truly meant them. “He didn’t love me enough,” I said into the night breeze and turned my attention back to the water. It helped soothe me.

“What is enough?” Marcus asked.

I sighed and closed my eyes. “Willing to get through the hard stuff together.” The words made sense, but I hated that it sounded as if I were betraying Jax with them.

“I don’t know why I’m defending him, but I believe he left to protect you. For the first time since he met you, he put you first.”

I let out a hard cold laugh that didn’t sound like me. “How can taking away the reason my heart beats be good for me?”

Marcus took my arm. “Jax knew when he met you he wouldn’t be able to keep you. He knew you wouldn’t fit in his world. I blame myself for pursuing you in front of him, because that is what broke his resolve to stay away from you. He couldn’t handle the jealousy. For the first time in his life, he wanted something he could not have, and he fought it for you. I watched him. But then he caved, and when he did, it was the beginning of the end. I hate him for not being strong enough. I hate him for hurting you. But more than any of that, I hate him because he stole your heart and I don’t think it will ever be the same.”

I didn’t want to fight with Marcus. He had come to get me out of the darkness when no one else did. He was a friend. My first friend ever. I knew he would never understand that I didn’t regret one moment I spent with Jax. The pain I was enduring now was worth every moment of the time I spent with him.

So, I touched his arm and turned away from his sad face. “You’re right about one thing. My heart, he took it with him.”

* * * *

The next few days, my darkness slowly faded. My memories began to brighten the darkest spots. I couldn’t go back to Jax’s house and work. My time there was over. After a week of being home, Jessica came to my room.

“If we are going to eat, we need money. No one is going to hire me when I am ready to give birth at any moment. I know you’re hurting, but you’re going to be starving and hot if you don’t find a job.”

I had been expecting this. I knew our cash was low, and Jessica was right, she couldn’t work. I was the able body around here. She brought me a piece of paper.

“Call Ms. Mary. She said she could get you a job if you wanted her help. What she can get you is going to be tons better than anything you can find on your own. Also, the Stones left all their summer employees severance pay since they were all laid off a month and a half early. She said she was mailing the check.”

I flinched, and Jessica sighed and sat down on my bed. “I know thinking about him hurts, and you’re so full of pride taking money from him is hard for you, but right now, with me about to have a baby, we need this money.”

I pulled my knees up under my chin. “Yes, but the family left early because of me. Why should they have to pay me because I forced their departure?”

Jessica sighed and shook her head. “You didn’t do anything wrong but fall in love with a rock star. I can’t say I blame you, he was a hottie, but a relationship with someone like him was impossible from the beginning. They left early, and you lost your job because of it. They owe you like everyone else.”

I shook my head. “
No
, they owe me nothing!”

Jessica stood up. “Well, regardless of what you think. We will take the check and pay our bills, and fill our kitchen and go buy diapers. Stop being so selfish and open your eyes to the facts, Sadie. We are about to have another mouth to feed, and no amount of your whining and wallowing in self-pity or pride is going to supply our needs. So stop it, and face the facts.”

Jessica turned and left my room. One thing I agreed with was we needed money. So, I got up and got dressed because I was off to find myself a job.

Chapter Sixteen

Ms. Mary was well connected. For three weeks, I’d been doing the filing at a local lawyer’s office. Apparently, Ms. Mary’s neighbor worked for a lawyer, and the lawyer needed someone to assist his secretary. With Ms. Mary’s shining recommendation, he hired me and was paying me exactly what I had been making. When school started, I would go directly to his office, and then work until six each night. Mary Ellis, his secretary, was around Jessica’s age and easy to work with. I enjoyed the work, and at times I even got so busy I didn’t think about Mr. Greg and his war stories, or Ms. Mary and her laughter. I had finished my third week, and my paycheck was in my hands. It wasn’t really needed yet, considering that the severance pay from Jax had been ridiculous, and Jessica refused to let me dispose of it. Ms. Mary had assured me everyone’s had been just as ridiculous. It mollified me a little, but not enough. Somehow, I still felt bought off. I hated thinking of it that way, but I did.

I parked my bike by the door, and a scream came from inside the house. My heart started racing. I jerked the door open and ran inside. Jessica was bent over, standing in the kitchen, and bloody water was running down her legs and pooling on the floor. “What’s happening?” I asked, panicked.

“Call 911
now
!”

Her cell phone was lying on the counter top, and I grabbed it. She screamed again. My hands shook so badly it was hard to dial. Something was terribly wrong.

“911, what is your emergency?”

“My mother, she’s bleeding and in a lot of pain, she is screaming. She’s eight months pregnant.” My words were so rushed I hoped they made sense.

“Help is on the way now. Tell me what your mother is doing.” The voice sounded so calm.

“She is breathing hard and sitting in a chair.”

“Ask her how she feels.”

I looked at her and all color had vanished. Her eyes were big and scared. Seeing my mother worried and in pain made me want to panic.

“How do you feel?” I asked shakily

“It’s okay right now, but that doesn’t mean anything. It will come back.” She gritted her teeth and closed her eyes.

“She’s fine now, but she said it would come back.”

“She’s correct, it will come back. Your mother is in labor. Now I need you to remain calm and get her a cold wet washcloth and wipe her face. It will help soothe her.”

I did as the voice told me. Jessica sat silently while I washed her face.

“How is she?” the voice asked

“She’s okay. I washed her face, and she is breathing easier.”

“That’s good. The baby isn’t coming too quickly. Now, if you will get her some ice chips, or crushed ice in a cup to suck on, this will also help.”

I started to go get some ice cubes and crush them when I heard the ambulance sirens outside.

“The ambulance is here,” I told the voice on the phone.

“Good. Then everything is going to be fine, and you did really well. I will let you go and talk to them.”

“Thank you,” I said hastily and hung up the phone. I ran to the door and threw it open wide, just as a guy was about to knock. “She is right here.”

I motioned, and he came in quickly with a lady behind him. They talked to her and checked her pulse and temperature. When they finished with their examination and questions, they got a stretcher, laid her on it, and slid her into the back of the ambulance. I stood frozen and unsure. Jessica wasn’t the best mother in the world, but I loved her, and tears ran down my face. I didn’t want to think about anything happening to her.

The lady said to me, “Oh, honey, everything is just fine. Your mom is just in labor. Come on now, wipe those tears before she sees you. The last thing she needs is to see you upset.”

I did as she said. Suddenly, I realized if I didn’t drive, we would be without transportation when we needed to come home. And then the fact that I needed to get the car seat and all the other things she needed for the hospital occurred to me.

“I…we will need our car, and the stuff for the baby.”

The male paramedic walked up, an easy smile on his face. “You go ahead, then, and get the things your mom and the baby will need and bring the car. When you get to the hospital, go to information and they will direct you to her room.”

I stared at the lady as she climbed into the back with Jessica.

“Don’t forget her things too. She will need toiletries and nightgowns, and then of course something to wear home.”

I nodded, and the doors were closed. I couldn’t believe this was happening already. I watched them drive away, and then rushed back inside to pack up everything they would need. First things first, I mopped up the blood and water on the floor and the seat she had been sitting in. Having a baby really was gross stuff. After the kitchen was clean, I went to Jessica’s room and found the infant car seat she had bought from a second hand store before we left Tennessee.

Ms. Mary sent bags of baby girl and boy clothing to my work place last week. She had kept almost everything she had bought for her grandchildren as they outgrew them. I sifted through the baby scented clothing and found the smallest item in there. It was a soft yellow outfit with feet, and snaps up the front. This should be safe for a boy or a girl. I grabbed it and quickly snatched up a diaper bag for the items Jessica had bought for the baby. With no idea what all of it was used for, I figured if I took it all, we should be good. After I had the baby stuff ready, I packed Jessica a nice, stretchy sundress and under things, as well as a few nightgowns. She had very little in the way of modest sleeping attire, so I stuffed in a few t-shirts for her to slip on over her nightgowns. Once everything was packed, I headed out to the car and loaded it up. I wanted to be there when the baby was born. I wanted to experience its entrance into the world. It had been a stranger to me for nine months. Up until now, all I had was Jessica. Now I would have a sibling.

* * * *

I pulled the sliding overnight bag back up on my arm as I stepped off the elevator. The waiting room was full of excited, hopeful people of all ages. Grandparents bounced children on their knee and pointed and gushed over the babies in the window. This was a happy place where life started. I walked toward the double doors that led to the delivery rooms. I passed new dads, or almost new dads, standing around the coffee pot sharing horror stories of wives who had morphed into monsters. A few had decided that hiding out here was a better idea than witnessing the birth of their child. I wondered if Jessica had become one of these crazed monsters as I searched for room 321. I spotted it and took a deep breath before walking in. I was all Jessica had. There would be no one else standing by to hold her hand. It was just me, and I couldn’t go anywhere.

“Sadie, oh good, you got all the stuff. I guess I should have packed, but I wasn’t expecting this to happen so soon.”

I nodded, sat the bags down on a chair, and walked over to her. All sorts of cords were hooked up to her. Wet with sweat, her hair clung to her head, and she remained pale. Other than that, she wasn’t cursing and foaming at the mouth, which was what other women on this floor were apparently doing.

“Um, you look good,” I admitted.

She grinned and shrugged. “Well, it ain’t over yet, honey, and it gets worse. Right now my dilating has slowed, and I am high on Demerol. I know there is pain, but I just don’t seem to care at the moment.”

I nodded, not sure what that meant. “Well, do you need anything?” I asked, wanting to be useful.

“More ice would be nice,” she mumbled. I nodded and headed out to find ice. “Wait! You’re gonna need my cup.”

I turned around and went to get the plastic hospital cup sitting beside her bed. “I’ll be right back.”

Once outside the room, I went to find the ice and filled her cup up to the top. I wanted to make sure she was fine before I made the call to Ms. Mary. Once I had Mom fixed up, I slipped out of the room and back outside the hospital. I called Ms. Mary.

“Hello.” Her cheery voice lightened my spirits.

“Ms. Mary, it’s Sadie. I just wanted to call and let you know Mom is having the baby.”

“Oh, this is early, but don’t worry about that none. I had both my girls several weeks early, and everything was just fine. I’m coming to see you as soon as I get off work. Now, how are you?”

I smiled at the warmth that filled me when Ms. Mary worried about me. Jessica loved me, but she had never really worried over me.

“I’m fine, and Mom’s doing good. They have given her some Demerol, and she said it makes her not care that she is in pain.”

Ms. Mary chuckled. “That is some amazing stuff, I tell you. Well, I’ll be with you soon, and maybe there will be a baby to hold by then. You call me if you need me, do you hear?”

I couldn’t help but smile. “I will.”

“Goodbye, for now,” she said in her jolly tone that always made it seem like everything was going to be okay.