Breathe (23 page)

I had no idea, and I did not care. I shrugged and opened my locker to get my bag out. “That’s great. Good for him,” I replied.

She stood staring at me open-mouthed. “I can’t understand how you told him no. No one tells him no. Girls dream about him at night. He’s gorgeous. Did you see his arms?” She fanned herself. “Wow,” she added for extra affect.

I rolled my eyes. “Really, Amanda, if you like him that much, then you date him. I am just not interested.”

Amanda sighed and leaned back against the locker. “If he would acknowledge my existence, then I would go after him. But until today, I have never seen him interested in a girl in this school. He dates college girls.”

I slipped my bag over my shoulder. “Well, apparently, he has changed his mind,” I muttered.

“He is so cute. I don’t know how you turned him down,” Amanda droned on.

I liked Amanda, but I wasn’t in the mood for this. I wasn’t interested in this guy. “I need to get to work. Thanks again for waking me up.”

She nodded, and I headed for the exit. My first day back, and I was already hating school. If I could just blend in and go unnoticed, this would be bearable. I looked up to see Dameon headed my way, and I picked up the pace. I wondered how obvious it would be if I ran to my bike. My faster pace apparently tipped him off that I wasn’t in the mood to talk because he didn’t run after me. I had to get to work, but first I wanted to call and check on Sam.

The entire first week didn’t go very well. The only good news was Dameon had taken the hint and left me alone. However, after falling asleep again in the library during lunch, I realized I was going to have to stop going in there. I forced myself to face the lunch crowd. It really hadn’t been as bad as I thought. Amanda saved me a seat by her, and I liked her friends. Dylan McCovey wanted to reminisce about his July 4th party a little too much, but other than that, it was fine. Most days, I just sat at the table and listened to them talk. Every once in a while, someone would ask me a question or attempt to get me to join the conversation, but my social inadequacies, mixed with my being exhausted, didn’t make for a good conversationalist.

On Friday, Dylan had finally worked up the nerve to ask me about “Don’t Cry,” and I was proud of the way I handled it. I managed to talk clearly through the lump in my throat. My breathing didn’t get too constricted. In all outward appearances, I seemed normal and unfazed. I successfully replied, “I don’t know who it is about. He never sang it for me,” without choking up once. Monday, I had made it through my first period without falling asleep, which happened to be a miracle because Sam still couldn’t manage to get his days and nights adjusted, not even a little bit. I had even called Ms. Mary and asked her what I should do, and she said we needed to keep him awake more during the day. The problem with that when was Jessica wanted him sleeping so she didn’t have to deal with him. I hated to admit it to myself, but my mother was not being a very good mom to Sam. She ignored him mostly, and she still cried frequently. I couldn’t explain all that to Ms. Mary because it made Jessica sound bad, and I couldn’t bring myself to tear her down in anyone’s eyes. She just seemed so fragile.

Anyway, I was still managing to stay awake at school, and after fighting my heavy eyelids during a very boring lecture, I headed straight to the bathroom so I could splash cold water on my face to wake up. I had to fight this sleepiness. I wasn’t going to get the grades for a scholarship if I didn’t stay awake in my classes. I stepped around a group of girls to get through the congested hallway, and one of them pointed at me. I was use to this and I ignored it and kept my eyes on the bathroom.

However, one turned around. “Sadie White?”

I stopped and considered lying about my name, saying no, I was in fact Ivana, an exchange student who didn’t speak good English. But instead, I turned around to see the short redhead whom I’d met at the July 4th party. I immediately realized that unfriendly gleam in her eye.

“Hi, I’m Mary Ann Moore. We met at Dylan’s house this summer, but I doubt you remember me, after everyone you met that night.” She paused, as if I was supposed to say something, but I continued to stare at her, awaiting what she wanted with me. “Yes, well, um, I have the new edition of Teen Follower, and there is a picture of Jax Stone with his new girlfriend, Alana Harvey. She is going to be in his new music video...you know the one called ‘Don’t Cry.’”

I understood what this girl wanted now, and I didn’t know what I had done to her to make her hate me so much. My throat was dry and began closing up. So I decided against responding. She smiled as if pleased with my reaction and handed me the magazine.

“Rock stars are such fickle creatures. One never knows who they’ll want next. You take the magazine, I don’t need it,” and with that she snapped her fingers and the group surrounding her followed after her like a school of fish.

I tried swallowing, but it was no use. I couldn’t manage it. The pain returned again, and I didn’t have the strength to stop it. I turned to run, and Amanda was there blocking my path.

“She is just being mean to you because of Dameon. Now, come with me, and we will get you all pulled back together in the bathroom.”

I followed obediently behind her. “What does Dameon have to do with this?” I asked holding out the magazine she had placed in my hands.

Amanda pulled me into the bathroom, and then took the magazine from me. “Dameon and Mary Ann dated this summer. When she found out he was interested in you, then you became her enemy. Even though she knows you blew him off. I think that makes her dislike you more.”

I frowned. “Why?”

Amanda wet a paper towel. “Because you are blowing off what she wants so badly. See, the thing is, Dameon dated her this summer and, well, after a few weeks, he dumped her flat. She wants him back, since dating Dameon would make her the most popular girl at the school.”

I sighed and closed my eyes. “High school is so stupid,” I muttered.

Amanda moved my hand away and wiped my face with a cold wet paper towel. “You need to get a grip on yourself. If everyone thinks they can get to you by showing you pictures of Jax with other girls, you’re going to get hammered by them.”

I walked over to the discarded magazine and picked it up against my will. There on the page in front of me was Jax at the Teen Choice Awards and on his arm was a gorgeous blond with curly hair. I inhaled deeply and sank down against the wall.

“Dang it, Sadie, what are you looking at it for?” Amanda went to take it from me, but I shook my head and held onto it firmly.

“No, let me read it.” I knew the stuff they write in these things wasn’t true, but I somehow wanted to hurt myself further.

“
No
!” Amanda said firmly and jerked it out of my hands.

I let it go.

She flipped it over. “Sheesh, at least your curls are natural,” she said before throwing the magazine in the garbage.

I closed my eyes against the pain and sat on the floor. The dark blanket seemed to be coming for me, and I knew I was going to have to fight harder to keep it from getting me. There was peace in the blankness, but then I wouldn’t be able to take care of Sam if I went into it, and Sam needed me. I shook my head and stood up quickly before it reached me. I focused on my reflection in the mirror and calmed my features until the haunted look left my eyes. Amanda came up behind me and took my arm.

“It was just a publicity picture,” she said quietly.

I nodded because she had been right. The picture of him with the girl hadn’t been as hard as seeing him so happy in it. I wanted to be happy too. He could be happy. Why couldn’t I? Because I’d been the one to love too much. It would just take me longer than him to smile so brightly. I needed to work on it. Thinking about those around me who did love me needed to be the first place I started. And then there was Sam, who needed me. I had to learn to be strong. Once I had believed I was very strong. Now, I had to find that me again.

Chapter Nineteen

September would be over in a week, and I knew that running on empty fumes would soon catch up with me. My grades suffered because staying awake throughout class had become impossible. Sam still kept me up all night. With what Ms. Mary said was probably colic and that other than him taking gas medicine, I just had to help him through it. Jessica continued to get more and more withdrawn to the point I called her from school to check on Sam and make sure she remembered to feed him. Several evenings when I came home, he had gone without a diaper change so long a rash had developed. Each time I cleaned him up and applied the cream I’d found at the pharmacy. I attempted to explain to Jessica this was not good for him but she didn’t seem to hear me. Sam needed her. I couldn’t seem to get her to wake up and face the fact she had a baby now.

Sam only had me, and I needed to get tough because I couldn’t come crashing down too. The more I thought about college, I realized there would be no way I could go and leave Sam with Jessica. He’d never survive. School took a backseat to work. Formula and diapers cost a fortune. The thought of dropping out of school and getting my GED crossed my mind several nights when I came home to find Sam crying and hungry and Jessica in her room yelling for me to do something with him. My life was spiraling downhill, and it seemed the harder I worked at getting it under control, the worse it got.

I woke up with my head on the kitchen table and an empty bottle in my hand, and Sam crying in his bassinet beside me. I rubbed my eyes to get focused, glanced at the time, and realized I had overslept. I jumped up and fixed him another bottle and fed him. Twice I tried to get Jessica to get out of bed and help me, but she threw her pillow at me once and said she had a headache the second time. I managed to get myself dressed and gather my homework that I had scattered all over the coffee table while taking care of Sam all night. I changed Sam’s diaper and his clothes, and of course as on cue, he fell fast asleep. In a way, I was thankful that he slept so much during the day because, if he didn’t, I would worry about what Jessica would do to him. I had already witnessed her locking herself in another room away from his crying.

I went to tell Jessica bye, and she was sound asleep again. No point in waking her up. I headed out to my bike, and, suddenly, the world around me tilted. I stopped and leaned up against the house until the wave of dizziness passed, and then went and got on my bike. My stomach rolled as if I had eaten something bad. Sickness didn’t fit into my “to do” list. I didn’t have time for that. I had to get to school. I pulled out of the driveway and headed toward the main stoplight when everything started to go blurry around the corner of my vision. I turned onto Main Street and headed toward school as fast as I could. It was as if I were driving into a tunnel that grew smaller the world around me seemed to dim. Everything went black with the school in sight.

A sharp pain in my head woke me. I couldn’t open my eyes, so I reached up to feel something warm and wet in my hair. Something oozed from somewhere. My arm grew heavy, and I couldn’t control it. I let it fall, and my eyes still didn’t want to cooperate. Slowly, I drifted off to the darkness. I welcomed it because it reminded me of my dark blanket, and I wanted the pain to go away.

I floated through my memories. A painless journey. Jax’s face smiling at me filled me with happiness, and the tingling sensation from his nearness came as well. I saw Jax bent down in front of the little girl at the grocery store, and my heart fluttered as I remembered her face when he kissed her. Jax bent over his first guitar singing “Wanted Dead or Alive” made me want to laugh out loud, but for some reason I couldn’t. And then Jax was singing to me in the moonlight and holding me in his arms. More memories I had tried so very hard to repress rushed back to me, as well as many I wanted to laugh at, but I couldn’t make myself laugh. The heavy blanket made it impossible to move. So I laid there and enjoyed my memories without pain. And, just like before, the darkness came, and I floated into it.

* * * *

Music and a voice I recognized called to me. I tried so hard to move the heavy blanket so I could find him. I knew that voice. The music came from him. His voice sounded sad, but the words belonged to me. It was my song. I fought the blanket but it remained too heavy, and the darkness washed over me. The song faded away.

My head pounded and my arms tingled. I tried to wiggle my fingers, and it worked. I tried to move my foot, and it moved. The dark blanket had left me. I wanted to open my eyes, but the thought hurt my pounding head even more. I didn’t think I could open them just yet. For some reason, the darkness had given me a horrible headache. I remembered the oozing, warm liquid, and I wondered if it were still up there causing problems. I lifted my arm, but I only got it so far before it fell back down again. Someone moved beside me.

“Sadie?”

My breathing stopped, and I waited to see if I could hear that smooth voice say my name again.

“Sadie, can you hear me?”

I wanted to speak, but I wasn’t sure the words would come out right, so I stayed quiet. A warm hand slipped into mine, and my arm tingled in a familiar way. The hand must belong to Jax.

“Sadie, please if you can hear me, show me. I saw you move. You can do it again.”

It
was
Jax. His voice sounded worried and anxious. I moved my hand in his and tried to open my eyes. The light hurt, and I stopped trying.

“You can hear me. Okay, baby, listen, I am going to get the nurse.”

The nurse? What nurse? I didn’t want him to go. I squeezed my hand tightly, trying to hold onto him, and then I heard him chuckle, and, suddenly, the heaviness faded away, and I inhaled. My lips formed a smile this time, and his warm breath tickled my ear.

“I am not going to leave you. I swear it, but please let me get the nurse,” he whispered, and goosebumps rose on my arms. He laughed softly, and his hand left mine.

The room became silent, and the darkness started coming back. I wanted to fight it. I wanted to see Jax. I needed to see his face. But it came anyway, and once again I floated into it, unable to control its force.