Brief Tales From The Bench (15 page)

‘That’s enough to make anyone difficult,’ said Mr Kiddington, ‘you can ask me questions, but I can’t ask you any. It’s much too one-sided. That isn’t fair play. But I’ll tell you something, Mr Benton. If I were a tailor, I wouldn’t accept an order from me. Not if I knew it was me. Because I’d know how difficult a customer I’d taken on. I don’t dispute that I’m a difficult customer. If you could satisfy me, you could satisfy anyone.’

‘Mr Kiddington,’ said Mr Benton, ‘I suppose you could pay for the suit if you wanted to?’

‘I shall have to think,’ said Mr Kiddington.

‘Is that why you’re defending the case, Mr Kiddington?’ I asked. ‘Because it would be rather awkward for you at the moment to find twenty-five guineas?’

‘I’m still thinking,’ said Mr Kiddington.

‘If you’ve got the money,’ I said, ‘it shouldn’t take you all that time to answer, Mr Kiddington. Would it be awkward for you to find twenty-five guineas at the moment?’

‘I’m working it out,’ said Mr Kiddington.

‘It should be simple enough,’ I said.

‘Not the way I’m working it out,’ said Mr Kiddington.

‘Oh, come along, Mr Kiddington,’ I said, ‘you must know the answer by now.’

‘This is a court of law,’ said Mr Kiddington, ‘and I want to be sure that my answer is correct. You’d prefer that, wouldn’t you, your honour?’

‘Yes, of course,’ I said.

‘Then I’m afraid I shall have to ask you to wait a moment or two, and I shall need a pencil and paper.’

‘If you’ve got to have a pencil and paper to work it out,’ I said, ‘it must surely be difficult for you at any rate to find twenty-five guineas. Or at least inconvenient for you to do so. If there were no doubt about it, you could say “yes” straight away.’

‘But I don’t want to answer in that way, your honour. I’ve nearly done it now, just wait a moment, please.’

After about half a minute I said: ‘Well, Mr Kiddington, I’ve waited several moments.’

‘Your honour shall be rewarded,’ said Mr Kiddington. ‘I could pay this bill five thousand and four times over. That’s why I took a little time, your honour. I didn’t want to exaggerate.’

‘You’ve money in the bank, then?’ I asked.

‘Certainly not,’ said Mr Kiddington. ‘I don’t hold with banks.’

‘Then you’ve stocks or shares?’

‘Certainly not.’

‘Then what have you got?’

‘Well, for one thing, I’ve got a mansion in the country with about a hundred acres, a swimming pool, a tennis court, and I don’t know what else.’

‘You own this place, Mr Kiddington?’ asked Mr Benton.

‘Yes, Mr Benton, I own this place. Anything wrong in that?’

‘Is it subject to any mortgage?’ I asked.

‘Certainly not,’ said Mr Kiddington, ‘I don’t hold with mortgages. Perhaps you’d both like to come and see it.’

There was a slight pause, and then Mr Benton said, perhaps a little meaningfully: ‘Tell me, Mr Kiddington, do you employ a lot of people in this mansion of yours?’

‘Of course I do. I couldn’t run it without.’

‘Do any of your employees, by any chance, wear,’ Mr Benton paused for a moment, and then added, ‘uniforms?’

‘Certainly,’ said Mr Kiddington.

‘I think,’ said Mr Benton, ‘I think perhaps, your honour, it might be a good thing, if your honour could spare the time, to see Mr Kiddington’s mansion.’

‘I should be delighted,’ said Mr Kiddington. ‘Mr Benton too, with pleasure. I could put you both up if you liked, for a weekend perhaps? Or a week there might do you both good.’

‘I think you’re right, Mr Benton,’ I said, ‘and that we should accept Mr Kiddington’s offer to see his place. If what he says is correct, and he’s a wealthy man and could easily pay this bill, it seems to me that the claim should fail. The plaintiff agreed to make a suit to the defendant’s satisfaction. That may have been a difficult, or even an impossible thing to do, but the plaintiff agreed to do it. If I’m satisfied that the defendant is honestly not satisfied with the suit, it seems to me he’ll succeed in the action. Before I come to that conclusion, however, I ought to know whether it really is the case that Mr Kiddington is the man of means which he says he is.’

‘That would be entirely satisfactory from my point of view, your honour,’ said Mr Kiddington.

‘I don’t doubt it, Mr Kiddington,’ I said. ‘But, if I do decide in your favour for the reasons that I have mentioned, it seems very hard on Mr Jones, who, I suspect, is far from being a wealthy man, that he should have spent his time and labour and money in making a suit, and then should not be paid for it. If what you say is right, Mr Kiddington, you could pay for five thousand such suits. Poor Mr Jones can ill afford to lose the price of one.’

‘He shouldn’t have taken the order then, your honour,’ said Mr Kiddington.

‘I’m not talking about the law at the moment, Mr Kiddington. There are other things in life,’ I said, ‘besides law. Kindness and consideration, for example, play a great part in life. Certainly in a happy life.’

‘They should play a great part in everyone’s life, your honour,’ said Mr Kiddington. ‘In your life and in Mr Benton’s life. In the usher’s life. In the clerk’s life. In the postman’s life. In the soldier’s life. In the First Lord of the Treasury’s life. Who’s he by the way, your honour?’

‘I’m glad you agree with me, Mr Kiddington,’ I said, ignoring the question. ‘I suggest, then, that we adjourn this case, say, for a week, and during that week Mr Benton and I and Mr Kiddington will inspect the mansion in the country.’

Mr Kiddington then asked if he could question Mr Jones some more before the inspection. I agreed to this, and Mr Jones came back into the witness box.

‘Now, Mr Jones,’ said Mr Kiddington, ‘I’ve been asked about my means, what about yours? I suggest you’re the person short of money, and that’s why you’re bringing this case.’

‘I’m bringing this case,’ said Mr Jones, ‘because you owe me the money.’

‘But suppose I do owe you the money,’ said Mr Kiddington, ‘is it a good thing for a tailor to sue his customers?’

‘It’s a good thing for this tailor to sue this customer,’ said Mr Jones.

‘Is it going to do you any good?’ asked Mr Kiddington. ‘Let’s suppose I do owe you the money. If other people hear about this case, aren’t they going to say to themselves “we’re not going to a tailor who sues his customers for money”?’

‘Look, Mr Kiddington,’ said Mr Jones, ‘I’m just an ordinary tailor, and, if I do my work properly, I expect to be paid. And I can’t afford not to be. If I make a mistake about a suit, I put it right, or take it back. And, if I’m at fault, I stand the loss. But, if I carry out my side of the bargain, I expect the customer to carry out his. Whether the customer owns a mansion in the country, keeps a betting shop, or sweeps the streets. I have to live. And I have to work to live. And I work very hard, I can assure you. I don’t like suing people, of course. I don’t suppose anybody does, but I did what you asked me to do, and you’ve got to pay for it. And, if the judge says you haven’t, it’s not justice, and that’s all there is to it. And I don’t care who hears me say so.’

‘Mr Kiddington,’ I said, ‘don’t you think there’s a good deal in what Mr Jones says?’

‘Well,’ said Mr Kiddington, ‘he took long enough over saying it.’

‘But don’t you think it had some merit?’ I asked.

‘Everyone’s entitled to his own opinions,’ said Mr Kiddington.

‘If you were the tailor,’ I asked, ‘and Mr Jones were the customer, wouldn’t you agree with what he now says?’

‘If I were Mr Jones,’ said Mr Kiddington, ‘my name wouldn’t be Kiddington.’

‘Well,’ I said, ‘but it is Kiddington. Can’t you put yourself in Mr Jones’ position?’

‘I don’t want to,’ said Mr Kiddington, ‘I’m very happy as I am. If I weren’t, I shouldn’t like to be a tailor.’

‘All right,’ I said, ‘I think we’ll adjourn now.’

And so we went down to inspect Mr Kiddington’s mansion in the country. And neither Mr Benton nor I were at all surprised to find that, although it did contain everything that Mr Kiddington had said, it was in fact a mental home. I must say that it was beautifully laid out, and it had all the amenities to which Mr Kiddington had referred, and indeed more than those. Eventually we came away. But not before Mr Kiddington had agreed purely as a matter of kindness to pay the whole of Mr Jones’ claim, and all his costs, and to let him keep the suit as well.

A day or two later I saw the registrar in my room.

‘Charles,’ I said, ‘I think you might have told me what I was in for.’

‘I didn’t want to prejudice you,’ said the registrar. ‘Did he tell you that he owned the place?’

‘He did indeed,’ I said. ‘But
I
can tell
you
something. Not only
did
he own the place, but
he
was the psychiatrist in charge.’

Truth or Fiction?

Chapter

1.
Contempt of Court

The first part of this story is true. I was held up on the way to court exactly in the way described. But I did not initiate proceedings for Contempt of Court, and all the rest of the story is imaginary, though legally correct.

2.
Free for All

Fiction.

3.
Perjury

Embellished but based on an actual case.

4.
Chef’s Special

Fiction.

5.
Retrial

Fiction.

6.
The Hidden Money

Embellished but based on an actual case.

7.
The Truth

Embellished but based on an actual case.

8.
Made to Measure

Fiction.

(in order of first publication)

These titles can be read as a series, or randomly as standalone novels

(in order of first publication)

These titles can be read as a series, or randomly as standalone novels

(in order of first publication)

These titles can be read as a series, or randomly as standalone novels

(in order of first publication)

These titles can be read as a series, or randomly as standalone novels

(in order of first publication)

Published by House of Stratus

According to The Evidence Alec Morland is on trial for murder. He has tried to remedy the ineffectiveness of the law by taking matters into his own hands. Unfortunately for him, his alleged crime was not committed in immediate defence of others or of himself. In this fascinating murder trial you will not find out until the very end just how the law will interpret his actions. Will his defence be accepted or does a different fate await him?

Alibi For A Judge Mr Justice Carstairs is a High Court Judge. He is completely incompetent and a chronic worrier to boot. This is perfectly illustrated when he sentences a man to ten years’ imprisonment and then immediately doubts his verdict. Taking the unprecedented step of trying to overrule his own judgement he encounters resistance on all sides. Matters get really complicated when, in trying to prove the man’s innocence, he becomes convinced of his guilt. He also becomes the target of a blackmailer. Find out how he resolves this dilemma in this is highly amusing and whimsical tale of a man assailed by his own doubts.

The Asking Price Ronald Holbrook is a fifty-seven year-old batchelor who has lived in the same house for twenty years. Jane Doughty, the daughter of his next-door neighbours, is seventeen. She suddenly decides she is in love with Ronald and wants to marry him. Everyone is amused at first but then events take a sinister turn and Ronald finds himself in a very difficult situation.

Brief Tales from The Bench What does it feel like to be a Judge? Read these stories and you can almost feel you are looking at proceedings from the lofty position of the bench. With a collection of eccentric and amusing characters, Henry Cecil brings to life the trials in a County Court and exposes the complex and often contradictory workings of the English legal system.

Brothers In Law Roger Thursby, aged twenty-four, is called to the bar. He is young, inexperienced and his personal life is complicated. We see him blunder his way through a succession of comic adventures including his calamitous debut at the bar. His career takes an upward turn when he is chosen to defend the caddish Alfred Green at the Old Bailey. In this first Roger Thursby novel Henry Cecil satires the legal profession with wit and insight.

The Buttercup Spell Imagine a situation where a judge hands out a lenient sentence because he is suddenly filled with love for his fellow man. Think of a world where Trades Union leaders fully support their bosses’ high salaries and where policemen hug and kiss drivers stopped for speeding. The secret of this strange behaviour is nothing less than buttercup pollen. It appears to contain the formula to make people love their fellow man. However, the attraction of this modern Utopia begins to fade as the country yearns for an end to the boredom of infinite love. Eventually the government is forced to step in and matters gradually return to normal…

Cross Purposes The Bartons are a happy family who are finding it difficult to make ends meet. Then, one day, Mrs Barton wins a large sum on the football pools and their lives change forever. The Bartons are a kind couple and they use their newly won fortune to help their family and friends. This leads them into a tangled web serious legal and moral problems and they find themselves worse off than before.

Daughters In Law Mr Justice Coombe is a well-respected judge who has beautiful twin daughters. One goes to the Bar while the other becomes a solicitor. They each fall in love with the sons of Major Claude Buttonstep. Unfortunately the Major dislikes lawyers and cannot accept his sons’ choice of partner. The Major is then unexpectedly forced into litigation with his neighbour, Mr Trotter and events take an interesting turn for everyone concerned . . .

Fathers In Law What rights does a natural father have in an adoption case? How does the court decide between the conflicting claims of each parent? In many ways this is a heart-rending story as Henry Cecil steers us through the labyrinths of adoption law but tension is relieved by his touches of humour right through to the unexpected outcome.

Friends At Court Roger Thursby is prospering in the legal profession and is about to be made a Queen’s Council. In this brilliantly funny sequel to Brothers in Law we follow him through a further series of hilarious legal highs and lows.