Brocreation (3 page)

RANDY

Maybe but now I’m feeling a lot of pressure to perform. Also… Cyborg!

ANGE

I’m still human, I’m still the person you fell in love with.

RANDY

That’s not the point.

ANGE

If it helps, you won’t get electrocuted by my vagina.

RANDY

Sooooo not the concern I had…  It’s a valid concern, I guess, but you’re
not
Ange.

ANGE

Yes I am.

RANDY

But you’re
not
!

ANGE

Randy.  I don’t know what I can do to show you I am still Ange.  What I do know is that you and I could share the most intimate gift two people can share…  Hope.

She kisses him.

ANGE (cont.)

Safety

Another kiss

We can give the world life.  You and I… what do you say?  Come with me… if you want humanity to live.

She leans in to kiss him again, it seems like he’s into it, PAUL shoots up.

PAUL

Oooouuuucccchhhh!

RANDY

AH!

ANGE

Sorry sorry, calm down, he’s good, he should be working for us now, isn’t that right Paul?

PAUL

Whooo yes ma’am, reporting for duty!

ANGE

Side effect.  He’s going to be very chipper… I guess.

PAUL

That’s right ma’am  My optimism’s at an all time high now thanks to your rooting around in the old cyber cerebellum!

RANDY pulls a blanket over his head

ANGE

Randy, Randy what’re you-

RANDY

I’m going to sleep.

ANGE

No you’re not.

RANDY

Yes I am I’m going to sleep.

ANGE

You’re being ridiculous.

RANDY

No I’m not.  I’m going to sleep and when I wake up Paul is going to speak normal, you’re not going to be a cyborg, and my magical baby juice will continue to be flushed down the toilet.  Or a sock.

ANGE goes to pull the blanket off, RANDY whimpers. This repeats.  PAUL gently tugs, it gives way, RANDY is pouting.  PAUL leans in.

PAUL

Hey bud- What’s say we turn that frown upside down?

RANDY starts crying.

ANGE

Randy… I can see you need to get used to this.  I don’t want to force you into anything you don’t want to do…

Door bell rings.

ANGE

Now that the Coalition for Natural Existence isn’t a problem-

Door bell rings.

-we can take our time… You’ll see I’m still me.

Doorbell, PAUL opens the door and an older woman with a ridiculous, futuristic rifle appears.

RANDY

Professor Plumb!?

PAUL

Oh hello there Professor, can I hang up your gun?!

PLUMB cocks the gun, pulls the trigger, and a noise is heard. ANGE and PAUL fall to the ground.

RANDY

Wha-hu-I-WHAT?!

PLUMB

Randall!

RANDY

You killed them!

PLUMB

Kill?  Kill who- the Robots- No no this is a sonic electromagnetic pulse.

RANDY

He’s a robot but she’s a cyb- What the hell
is
that?!

PLUMB

What?

RANDY

The rifle!  

PLUMB

Sonic EMP Randall, like I said, do try to keep up.

RANDY

You’re from the future too.

PLUMB

Good, good I’m very glad I don’t need to explain it to you.  Saves me a lot of time.  Be a dear and search them for weapons while they're still out of commission-

RANDY

What the hell is going on?

PLUMB

Ugh, thought it was obvious.  We’re searching them for weapons.

RANDY puts his head in his hands and yells.

PLUMB (cont.)

You search that one and I’ll explain. As you’ve guessed I am from the fuuuutttuuuuurrrreeee!  My superiors got the exact time wrong when they sent me back- see time travel is a wretchedly…  unplannable… thing. Really really hard to predict.  When I finally reached the time period you existed in you were two years old. It would have been weird and, well, physically impossible for you to get me pregnant, here, look at a picture of me when I first got here! Meeeooowwww right?  I tried to stay a part of your life without, you know, hiding in the bushes, I’d give you little nudges in the right directions.  That’s why I have such a stupid name, had to think quick, Professor Plumb was the first name that popped into my head.  By the way you did
not
get the hint to go to the college I was working at. It’s really hard to get a job as a professor at any college let alone quitting and finding a whole
new
job at a completely different one- point is I have had to live my life for eighteen years in the past, you know now, and well here we are!  Now do you prefer top or bottom?

RANDY

Top- Bot-

PLUMB

Yeah we need to bang!

RANDY

NO!  Nonononononono!  

PLUMB

Thanks don’t worry about hurting my feelings or anything- if you had met me twenty years ago I mean you saw the picture!  Why do you think I’ve focused the entire semester on Nabokov's Lolita, I was trying to get you hot and bothered!  Now we need to do this before those two wake-

RANDY

Ange said-

PLUMB

Ange, Ange, Ange- Oh!  The lady robot?

RANDY

Cyborg and yes, my girlfriend said that
she
was the mother of-

PLUMB

Let me guess sheeee said that sheeee’s going to the mother of your child, the mother of Glorious Leader didn’t she?

RANDY

Yeah I-

PLUMB

Sure, sure, she’s been lying to you.

RANDY

That’s not… untrue but-

PLUMB

Of course she would say that, she’s a bounty hunter for a private collector.

RANDY

I can’t deal with this.

He puts the blanket back over his head.

PLUMB

She’s a collector sent to get your man jelly, put it in a collection vessel in her…  well her hoo ha, and get it for her private collector. What’s that for?

RANDY

Going to sleep…  When I wake up I won’t be in a world where someone wants to put my man jelly on display.

PLUMB

Uuuugggghhhh stop being such a sad sack.  Do you not see how awesome this is?  How many people can say “My sperm is Revolutionary.”  There’s lots of money in holding the key to stopping or starting a revolution. Yeeeep.  Aren’t you glad you didn’t get all hormonal teen and spread it around to just anybody?  She’d get it, collect it, she’d give it to the person who hired her.  Then she’d probably kill you once she got it. Reeeeeal black widow that one… or maybe more of a praying mantis situation right there.

ANGE

Hmmuh

PLUMB

She’s waking up, we should probably bang now-

ANGE

Ugh you-

PLUMB

Let’s do this!

PLUMB begins to undress.

RANDY

No!  I don’t want to have sex with you!

PLUMB

Look at the picture of me right before I shifted through time! Suuuuuper hot right!?

ANGE

You… I’ll kill you.

PLUMB lifts rifle. ANGE stops.

PLUMB

You’re just gonna stay right there.

ANGE stands over PAUL’s body.

RANDY

Stop stop stop!

ANGE

Randy I don’t know what she told you-

RANDY

Are you working for a private collector?

ANGE

I would never lie to you Randy.  I love you.  When this is over you and I will be together forever.

RANDY

That is super intense!  

ANGE

I know the future I’m from the future-

PLUMB

So am I, and so do I.

ANGE

She’s lying!

PLUMB

You’re
lying!  

RANDY

I’m the only one that wasn’t there! I don’t know who to believe!

ANGE

Randy, just give me my gun and we-

PLUMB

Nooooope no no, not a good idea, don’t do that.

ANGE

Randy I promise I will not kill you. I would never kill you.

RANDY

No?  No I suppose you won’t.  Could you just…  Say that again.

ANGE

Um, OK.  I would never kill you.

RANDY

So you won’t kill me, what about him?

ANGE

I don’t know what that EMP did to his circuits.  

PLUMB

Sure blame it on me.

ANGE

Very good chance what I did to him is reversed.  So
he
may try and kill you.

RANDY

There it is.

ANGE

I don’t
want
him to kill you.  I don’t know-

RANDY

But he will… if you let him.

PAUL

Rebooting.  Rebooting.

ANGE

I don’t know what his original programming was.  

RANDY

His original programming wouldn’t allow him-

ANGE