Broken Man (2 page)

He fell asleep rather quickly, and Amanda was left alone to think. First times are always difficult, she thought to herself, and she had experienced more first times than she cared to remember in the last ten years. It wasn’t that she slept around, no, that definitely wasn’t the case. She was just a serial dater, a closet romantic always thinking that love was right around the corner. Unfortunately, she had yet to find a man who felt the same way.

No, it seemed that men were only interested in her for how she looked, a long term relationship and really getting to know her not in their plans. Most of her relationships lasted a few months to a year before they fizzled, the sex no longer as exciting as it had been at first, getting to know her more intimately not an option. Maybe it was because of where she worked, the casinos of Atlantic City definitely not the ideal place to find a mate, or maybe it was because of who she was, an independent woman not willing to defer to just any man.

But, Jim wasn’t just any man. He was a Professor at the University, a newly minted Phd in Psychology. Intelligent, handsome, and sophisticated, he wasn’t like the men Amanda had dated before. They had great conversations and he actually seemed to really listen to her, unlike the men in her past. Yes, this was definitely a man with whom she could see herself spending a lifetime. I need to make this work, Amanda thought as she looked up at Jim sleeping. He is a good man, the next time will be better. Maybe a little more talking, a little more tenderness, a little less physicality, and we can find that balance, find that special place that I have heard so much about but have never experienced with a man.

Maybe next time, I will finally find love.

* * *

“That was amazing, Jack,” Brittany sighed as they laid under the furry blanket in front of the fire.

“It was okay, Brit,” Jack smiled as he teased her.

“Okay, what do you mean okay,” she laughed as she rolled on top of him. “You nearly screamed and I think you would if I hadn’t covered your mouth with my hat.”

“I wasn’t going to scream,” he lied. “And, what’s up with that hat, did you really have to keep it on the entire time,” Jack laughed.

“I know you loved it, especially the hat. That’s why I kept it on.”

“Okay, you got me,” he smiled. “So, was that my gift?”

“What else do you get a man who has everything,” Brittany paused, carefully considering what she was about to say. “But, I do have one more gift for you, even if it isn’t something I can give you.”

“Brit, I’m not sure my body can handle another gift like the last one, you might have to give me a few minutes,” he joked as his hands moved to her perfect bottom and he realized his body actually didn’t need a break.

“Get your mind out of the gutter for just a second, Jack,” Brittany feigned disgust but couldn’t hide a smile. “I’m being serious now.”

“Okay, Brit, I’m sorry,” Jack apologized with a smirk. “You can give me your gift now.”

“Thank you, Jack,” Brittany looked into his eyes as he realized she was serious. “I can’t begin to tell you how important you are to me and to my girls. I don’t even feel like the same woman I was a year ago, and I know I have you to thank for that,” she said and in an instant moved from smiling to having tears in her eyes.

“Hey, Brit, don’t cry. That time is long gone and you fought your way through it. You don’t need to thank me, you did it essentially on your own.”

“That’s not quite true, Jack. I couldn’t have done it without you,” she again paused for a moment.

“What I am trying to say, Jack, is that I love you, and I want you in my life forever. My girls also want you in their lives, and when I put them to bed tonight, both of them asked if you were going to be here in the morning,” Brittany looked at him to make sure he understood what she was saying.

Jack immediately knew what she was saying, and he was touched. Although she had gotten better over the last several months, Jack understood how difficult it still was for Brittany to let down her walls and invite people in. He also knew that she would never risk putting her girls’ hearts in danger unless she knew it was entirely safe. She was truly giving him a special gift, her unconditional love and trust.

“Does this mean I can sleep over,” Jack broke the tension and smiled when he saw Brittany laughing through her tears.

“Of course it does, Jack. Just don’t expect the kind of gift I gave you earlier to happen every night.”

“Seriously, Brit,” he looked into her eyes to let her know that he truly meant what he was about to say. “I can’t begin to tell you what that means to me. I love you and the girls more than I can even describe, and it is an honor that you would have the trust in me to be the man in your lives,”he paused and kissed her on the forehead.

“Believe me, Brit, I will never let you down, and I promise to love you, Delaney, and Bailey forever.”

“I know you will, and I will love you always as well.”

She kissed him again, and he felt her move her body against his as he looked into her eyes and his mind, heart, and body opened up to her as always. They made love again, but this time, it was as if it was in slow motion.

Tender, gentle, and forever etched into Jack’s mind.

Chapter One

One Year Later

Jack poured himself one more drink. What could it hurt, he thought to himself, he didn’t have anywhere to be tomorrow or the next day for that matter. He could drink all night if he wanted to.

He picked up the remote and turned on the TV before finding a familiar spot on the couch. It was Christmas Eve, and as he flipped through the channels, it seemed that the only decent programs on were
A Christmas Carol
and
It’s a Wonderful Life
. Jack figured he couldn’t go wrong with Jimmy Stewart, and settled in for the night.

Just as he was getting comfortable, his stupor was interrupted by the ringing of the phone. Jack picked up his phone from the coffee table, and after seeing that the call was from his mother, considered not answering for a second. But, it was Christmas, and what kind of son would he be to not answer a call from his mother on the holiday.

“Hey, Mom, Merry Christmas,” he answered the phone without enthusiasm.

“Hi, Jack, Merry Christmas to you as well. How are you doing?”

Now, Jack remembered why he shouldn’t have answered the phone. Couldn’t they just talk about sports, or movies, or grandchildren. Did the first question from everyone have to be, “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine, Mom,” he answered unconvincingly. “How are you?”

“I am good, Jack. I was just thinking about you tonight, and hoping you would change your mind and come up for Christmas.”

“I can’t, Mom,” Jack lied. “I have a lot of work to do around here,” he said, knowing he had taken the next week off.

“Okay, I understand,” Jack heard his mother tread delicately. “But, let me know if you change your mind, and I will get your room ready for you.”

“I will do that, Mom,” he replied, knowing that he wouldn’t. “What do you have planned for the holiday?”

“I am going to Michael’s for the day.”

“That’s good,” he said, glad that his mother wasn’t going to spend the holiday alone. “Have a good time, and try to enjoy your grandchildren.”

“I will, Jack,” she replied carefully. “And, try to enjoy your day as well. I love you.”

“Love you too, Mom,” he said as he hung up.

As he put the phone down, Jack thought about his mother and all of her problems. Anxiety, depression, compulsion, an inability to really connect emotionally with her children or grandchildren, all masked by her continuing hoarding behavior. She had done well for a little while after his week-long visit and rehabilitation two years earlier, but had inevitably returned to this disturbing behavior. It was a frustrating situation, something that Jack had not had the time or patience to deal with during the past year.

His thoughts were interrupted by the phone ringing once again. “What does she want now,” he said to himself as he grabbed the phone and answered abruptly. “What’s up, Mom.”

“Hi, Jack. It’s me, Delaney.”

Jack was stunned and immediately sobered up as he realized he hadn’t spoken with Delaney in nearly a year. “Hi, honey, is everything okay?”

“I’m okay, Jack. How are you,” she replied softly as Jack imagined her hiding in her room with her phone.

“I’m good, Delaney,” he lied once again. “Merry Christmas. What are you and Bailey doing tomorrow,” he asked and immediately regretted it.

“We are having Christmas morning with Daddy and Wendy, and then he is going to drop us off at Grandma’s for dinner.”

“That sounds like fun, Delaney. I hope you have a great day.”

“Jack,” he heard her voice break and a pause on the line as he immediately knew she was crying. “I miss her.”

Jack didn’t know what to say and definitely wasn’t prepared for this conversation. What do you say to a thirteen year old girl missing her mother on Christmas Eve? He quickly decided it was best that he tried to be strong and not cry himself.

“I miss her too, honey. But, I want you to know that she is always looking down over you and Bailey and will always protect you. You and Bailey meant more to her than anything in the world, and I know she will always be with you.”

“I know, Jack, but I need her here now,” she cried.

“I’m so sorry, Delaney,” Jack tried to fight back the tears. “I would do anything to bring her back, but I can’t. But, I know she would want you and Bailey to be happy, especially on Christmas. So, I need both of you to try and be happy for Mommy because I know that is what she would have wanted. Do you understand?”

“I do, Jack,” she replied slowly. “You know, Mommy would have wanted you to be happy as well.”

Again, Jack was speechless. He had always been amazed at Delaney’s maturity level over the years, and now he realized she was thirteen going on thirty, so he tried to come up with the proper words to say to both a child and a young woman.

“I know, honey, but it’s not that simple,” he paused, having no idea what to say.

“Jack,” Delaney interrupted his struggle to find the right words, “It’s not your fault.”

Delaney’s words struck a chord in the pit of Jack’s stomach, and he quickly ran that tragic night through his head for what seemed like the millionth time. Why didn’t he go to her house? Couldn’t he have taken the night off from work? Why had he been so selfish?

“I know, Delaney,” he said, even though he still blamed himself. “I’ll tell you what. I am going to do my best to be happy if you promise that you and Bailey will do the same. Do we have a deal,” he asked hopefully.

“It’s a deal. One second, Jack.”

He heard the phone muffle, and then barely overheard Delaney shouting to her Dad that she would be there in minute.

“Jack, I have to go,” she said hurriedly. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Delaney. I will talk to you soon.”

And with that, she was gone.

As he hung up the phone, Jack immediately understood the significance of Delaney’s call. He knew that she had called against the wishes of her father, not out of concern for herself, but rather, to make sure he was okay. He smiled as he thought of how much she reminded him of her mother, and at the way he could almost hear Brittany’s voice as he spoke to Delaney. But, at the same time, it hurt even more to think about her and Bailey growing up without her.

How could God have taken her away from them? Were they ever going to be the same again? Why hadn’t he stopped her from driving on that terrible night?

As he poured his drink down the faucet, Jack realized that he needed to stop feeling sorry for himself, and he knew he would not break the deal he had made with Delaney.

It was time for him to move forward with his life, no matter how difficult that was going to be.

* * *

Amanda opened the door of her studio apartment near midnight on Christmas Eve, exhausted from having worked a double shift that day at the casino. As she kicked off her shoes and threw her keys on the desk, she was relieved that at least school was on break and she wouldn’t have to stay up a couple more hours trying to catch up on her work.

Her apartment was truly a mess, and she added a good cleanup to her mental to do list as she collapsed on the couch. Maybe she could get that done tomorrow, she thought to herself, knowing she wasn’t scheduled to be at work until 6:00.

Feeling a little bit guilty about her lack of holiday plans, Amanda suddenly had second thoughts over not having accepted her best friend’s invitation to spend Christmas with her family. Sue was just trying to be nice, knowing that Amanda didn’t have anyone to spend the holiday with after her recent breakup with Jim. Maybe it would be good for her to spend some time with other people on the holiday, she thought to herself as she imagined Jim spending Christmas with his family, his new girlfriend by his side worshipping his every lie.

But, she quickly put those thoughts aside. Amanda didn’t want to be that poor girl who didn’t have a family or a boyfriend and needed to be taken in. She didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for her. No, that definitely wasn’t Amanda.