Broken Protocols (20 page)

She was scared, but she was more scared of staying caught in this limbo forever.

It was stupid. She shouldn’t need help, not after all this time. It had happened years ago. She should be over this.

But the sad fact was, she wasn’t. And if she didn’t do something about it, her life would never go in the direction she wanted it to go. Her dream of a small house and white picket fence with the perfect two kids was never going to happen if she didn’t find a way to let a man into her bedroom.
Sure
, she thought moodily,
I could adopt
. She had seriously considered it.

But she wanted the loving relationships she saw so many of her friends enjoying and to get there, she had to heal herself first. So not easy.

She smiled as her friend, Robin, came in and sat down beside her. Robin said, “Hi. How are you doing this week?”

Tania smiled wider. “Fine. As long as I avoid men, as usual.”

“Ha.” Robin grinned. “Defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?”

“It’s what I can do.” Tania shrugged. “Leaving the safety net is not easy.”

“I hear you.” Robin settled in beside her. Tania’s scars were inside, but Robin’s were outside. She had been in a horrible accident and was dealing with reconstructive surgery and the fact she might never be ‘normal’. She had trouble going out in public and had barricaded herself in a secular life of school. Robin was here to deal with her fears and how she looked now, and to find the strength to get out in public where she’d be ridiculed and stared at. After children had run from her screaming in a park almost a year ago, she’d gone home and stayed home. It had become the safe haven she didn’t want to leave, but that also made it a prison. She had to force herself to go to class. Had to force herself to come to this seminar.

Tania understood.

They were all here to deal with issues – big issues. Whatever issues stopped them from living full lives. Their professor was a special woman who’d walked their path and had healed herself. Now, she was on a journey to help others do the same.

Just then, several men walked in, loud and boisterous. There was just something about that big, dominant energy as it filled the small, casual lounge. It was the same three men who arrived as a group last night. It was the same way they arrived at Jenna’s classes on campus. Every week the quiet disappeared, and Tania and Robin became even quieter. This wasn’t a normal therapy group – she’d been to those. This one demanded a commitment to complete the session and participation at all times. There was homework, assignments that forced participants to step out of their comfort zone.

Everyone knew something about each other, but the details had been offered at the discretion of the person. They were all here for a week. One week. Working together, pairing up for various assignments.

She
could
do this.

Then
he
walked in and sat down beside her.

Her stomach dropped and her blood heated. She could hardly breathe. She straightened and shifted ever so slightly closer to Robin like she always did. Like a moth to a flame, she knew better than to get any closer to Kane, a huge muscled guy who seemed too rough and…angry for her to be safe. But, just like the moth, the attraction was at the cellular level and she was helpless to resist.

God, she wanted him.

And she’d never wanted a man in her life.

He terrified her. She wanted to want a small man, someone her size. Someone…she’d have a chance to escape from if he turned abusive. Someone gentle, tender, and understanding.

Kane oozed strength, power, and bitterness.

Not at all what she wanted or needed.

Kane crossed his arms, his muscles bulging beside her. She shuddered. How could she want to stroke her fingers across his skin at the same time that she wanted to run away from him? He could pound her into the ground with one punch. Why? Why would her body want anything to do with him? It made no sense.

It only reinforced that she was crazy.

“Ah, Tania? Can you move back over slightly?” Robin gave her a concerned look then nudged her shoulder and, using her chin, pointed to Tania’s half-empty seat.

Tania realized she’d damn near crawled into Robin’s chair with her; she was that close. With a sideways glance at Kane, Tania flushed and settled back into place. “Sorry,” she whispered to Robin.

“Don’t worry about it.”

Two voices said the same thing.

She wanted to yell ‘snap’, that silly remnant from her childhood, but was too busy staring in surprise at Kane. He gave her a stone-faced look. She’d never considered how her constant avoidance of him must look. He was no monster; in fact, he was stunning – to her. He had a lean face full of angles and planes. She thought of granite when she contemplated him. Strong. Infallible. Unyielding.

She had no basis for such an assessment. She didn’t know him outside of seeing him once in a while in Jenna’s classes. They were of a similar age, she thought, but he seemed older. It was his demeanor, slightly off-putting as he almost always had a sneer on his face. As if he was here under duress, but he didn’t truly belong.

But then, she’d had a similar attitude in her last therapy class. That she didn’t now meant she’d grown a little. Maybe he just needed a bit more time. Accepting one had a problem was a hell of a start – and often the most difficult step.

He might not want to see himself as one of the participants here who needed help, but that was what he was. And being here meant he had issues regardless of his attitude, so he was no better than she was.

But his attitude needed some adjusting if he was going to get any benefit from the class. And considering the money he’d dumped into this, he’d better.

She couldn’t help but wonder at his story. He had a chip on his shoulder obviously, and there was a thin layer of bitterness just below the surface. She had to think relationships were involved. From what she’d seen, there were some pretty screwed-up people in the world, and those here for this session had taken a hit from some of the worst.

It had been good for her to come here and see she wasn’t alone in dealing with her problems, or that her problems were by no means the worst. One of the men was young, like nineteen…maybe or possibly younger, considering the sparse bristles on his chin. He had a raunchy humor and dead eyes. Another, Sean, was tall and lanky and seemed seriously old on the inside. He both scared her and struck a deep cord of sympathy inside. His mother had horribly abused him for years before she finally OD’d on drugs, and he’d been left with a legacy of pain.

And like so many others here, he’d been working on his healing for years. He hoped this retreat would get rid of his last stumbling block.

Tania wasn’t so sure it could be possible. That look in his eye…

She shuddered, grateful she’d come as far as she had.

Now if only she could kick this fear and go all the way. Yet another school idiom that made her want to chuckle. What was wrong with her? It was as if she had a delayed teenage-hood. Maybe she had. She certainly hadn’t spent it dreaming over movie stars or giggling in groups waiting for the special guys to walk by.

The door opened, admitting Jenna Price, their professor and therapist. She was a mix of ruthless compassion and steely resolve. She was determined that everyone here get something useful from this session. They weren’t randomly accepted into this workshop; there had been a long list, which grew even longer every term, apparently. Money hadn’t been the only criteria. The problems you were dealing with had to be something she felt would work in a group setting and she could help you move past, and so the other participants could help you to deal with your issues, too. She wasn’t about everyone getting along, more about how the interaction would work to benefit everyone involved.

Jenna walked to the empty chair, her hand wrapped around a large china mug with a lid. She was a tea drinker. Apparently, at any time and any place she could always be seen with the mug. She was a stately woman, anywhere from her late thirties to mid-forties. Tania had no idea – just that she appeared to be competent. Now if only she held that magical key to getting Tania’s life back on track.

“Good morning.” Jenna placed the mug on the floor beside her. “Last night was basic. Today, we are going to get into the nitty-gritty stuff, and you are going to hurt. It’s hard dealing with the issues we don’t want to look at. It’s painful to step out of our padded cloud and deal honestly and openly with what needs to be dealt with.” She cast her warm but determined gaze around the room. “Remember, none of you are here by accident. You came because you want to deal with something, and you want change for yourself. Today is Day 1. You will have changed by Day 5; I guarantee it.” Her gaze landed on Tania and Robin, a slight softening warming her chocolate-brown eyes. “We’ll be working together as a group all morning. But after lunch, you will be put into groups of two with your weeklong assignment.”

Weeklong assignment? That was the first Tania had heard anything about it. As long as it was in pairs, she was probably okay. She could work with Robin. That would most likely suit both of them.

Taking a deep breath, Tania turned her attention back to the morning’s work.

A long time later, Jenna opened a folder she’d brought with her and handed out sheets of paper to everyone. “This is the outline of the assignment. You will be given all afternoon every day for the rest of the week to work on this, with my help if need be, but let’s make no mistake here: the assignment is not a cerebral one. Each of you must deal with people, the public, and yourselves for this to work.”

A small knot of dread formed in Tania’s stomach as she comprehended how very difficult such an assignment could be. Poor Robin; she’d have the worst time with this. Already Tania’s mind was wandering, looking for ways to make it easier on her, and came to a full stop. No. That was not the answer. She’d be enabling Robin. Better for her to deal with her issues than to have Tania automatically assume she couldn’t do it.

Tania would have her hands full herself.

She accepted the sheet of paper from Robin and handed the last one over to the silent Kane. At least he’d lost the bored look. She studied his body language, noticing that he sat a little straighter and locked his jaw. He wasn’t as comfortable as he was letting on.

Interesting. So control was important to him. She filed the tidbit away and turned her attention back to class. Jenna had been taking pairs of people off to one side and speaking with them privately. She watched as Robin and the abused young male walked out of the room together. Tania was surprised at the compassion on Robin’s face and on Sean’s. What was going on?

She turned her attention back to the paper in her hand. The project was intended to push her out of her comfort zone while being within the scope of what she needed to learn to do. Given the private nature of her problem, she really didn’t want to have to do anything really uncomfortable. It would be embarrassing and potentially crippling. As another pair of attendees left the room, she realized Jenna was speaking to two more, leaving her and Kane.

Her insides twisted in on themselves. Please, let her be wrong. She wanted Robin as a partner, not Kane. Maybe this had nothing to do with the project. But God, it really felt like it did. The longer she sat there waiting for her turn, the harder her fingers clenched the paper in her lap and the tighter the steel band around her chest constricted. She stared almost blindly as her knuckles turned white and her chest struggled to relax enough to let air in.

Oh God!

If she had to be partners with a man, let it be with a small one. Not Kane. Please, not the six-foot-four, 240-pound man who looked like he belonged with his mitts wrapped around a jackhammer all day.

She had nothing against construction workers, but she so didn’t want anything to do with Kane where her problems were concerned. She was looking for so much less of a man.

And her mind called her on it.
Liar. You so want to have something to do with him.

She had to correct herself.
No, I want to be able to do something with him, but I’m not there yet
. She slid a sideways glance at his massive thighs encased in tight jeans as he sat relaxed in the chair beside her.
And,
she repeated,
I might never get there.

Then it was her turn.

“Tania and Kane.” Jenna walked over to them and tugged a chair forward so she sat in front, making a triangle of their positions. “Sorry for making you wait.”

It was on the tip of Tania’s tongue to say ‘no problem’, but she couldn’t get the words out. Feeling like a mouse caught in a horrible sense of knowing it was about to get pounced on, she sat, frozen…and waited.

She knew her fate was as bad as the mouse when Jenna said, “Let’s discuss your project.”

Tania felt more than saw Kane glance her way, but she heard his comment clear enough. “Are you sure this is a good idea? Maybe Tania would do better with someone else.”

His smooth-as-chocolate voice sent waves of want through her, but the actual meaning sent rods of steel down her back, making her straighten in outrage.

“I’ll be fine,” she snapped and widened her gaze as she understood she’d just agreed to work with him. Oh, shit. That damn stubborn temper of hers.

“Good. I think you’ll do just fine. Besides, your partnership isn’t a spur-of-the-moment decision. I’ve been working on these pairings since you both confirmed you’d be here, and I think you’ll work perfectly together.” She studied the papers in her hand for a moment, as if unconcerned at the reception of the other two.

Tania knew she had to be perceptive to the change in the air, the tension. She also had to assume the woman knew what she was about, except Tania had been to some crazy therapists who should have dealt with their own crap before trying to counsel others.

She didn’t
think
Jenna fell into the same category.

But who could know?

Hunkering down in the chair, she tried to open her mind to the concept of a team project, actually managing to laugh at herself. It was just for a few days.
Like, how hard could this be?