Broken Trust (19 page)

Mac gripped the steering wheel, his
shoulders shaking. Obviously trying to be strong, trying to hold back his
grief. But his emotions burst forth with heavy, wracking sobs. Toni had never
seen him like this. Never seen him cry.

She reached out and clasped his
arm, hoping to calm him. “That’s enough. I don’t want to hear any more.”

A shudder swept him and he rubbed
his eyes, seeming to regain some of his composure. Tremors shook his body and
Toni pulled him to her, holding him, rocking him as she also cried.

Mac’s words tore at her heart. She
wanted to hate him. To yell and scream and beat him with her fists. But all she
could do was hold him. Torn by sympathy and anger. Not knowing which emotion to
feel right now.

Eric may have been killed by one of
his own men. But not just any man. His best friend.

And then, Toni stilled. She claimed
to have faith in God. To love Christ more than anything else on earth. But
never had she expected to face her beliefs so fully.

What would the Savior do?

The question pounded her mind.
Christ forgave everyone. He gave all mankind the Atonement, so they needn’t
suffer his own anguish and pain.

Oh, help me, dear Lord. Help me be
strong.

Toni thought about telling her
family, but knew she couldn’t do that. At least, not until the ballistics
report came back. She had no idea how her family would take the news. What her
grandmother and aunts might say or do.

Mac pulled away, swiping at his
eyes. Her reasoning mind told her it hadn’t been his fault. Even if it was his
bullet that had killed Eric, it shouldn’t change her feelings. Eric had been a
marine. A warrior. In the line of fire. He’d chosen his profession and had
loved it. He knew what he was getting himself into. She tried to tell herself
it didn’t matter who had killed him.

But it did.

She scooted away and leaned her
forehead against the window pane of her door. Waves of torment pulsed over her.
She’d loved Mac since high school. She’d wanted to marry and build a life with
him. After this, how could she ever look at him the same way again?

“Toni, please forgive me.”

She couldn’t respond. Her throat
felt dry, like sand paper.

She felt an intense desire to
protect Mac. To shield him from the media. Something like this could destroy a
man’s life. All those nights she’d watched the evening news, she’d heard of an
occasional soldier being killed by friendly fire. She’d wondered about the
families of the fallen man and how they could cope with knowing their son or
daughter had been killed by their own men. And then, she’d thought about the
man who’d fired the fatal blow. How did he feel, knowing he’d taken the life of
one of his own men? Did the knowledge haunt him? Did it ruin his life?

Well, now she knew. It wracked the
soldier with guilt so heavy that he questioned his own life. Never in her
wildest dreams had she expected this scenario to hit so close to home.

“Please don’t hate me,” Mac said.

“I…I don’t know what to think
anymore, Mac. But…”

“But what?”

“Let’s wait for the military to
complete their investigation. Let’s just wait.”

He looked doubtful. “Their findings
won’t change anything for me. No matter what, I’ll always feel responsible for
Eric’s death. I couldn’t save him, Toni. I tried, but I couldn’t save his
life.”

She longed to reach out to him, but
something held her back. Her common sense told her she couldn’t blame Mac. And
yet, the truth may have just destroyed her trust in him.

Chapter
Nineteen

He’d lost her. Mac had told Toni
the truth, and lost the girl of his dreams.

After dropping her off at her Aunt
Holly’s house, he drove to his parent’s home. He couldn’t forget the stunned
look in Toni’s eyes. The grief and doubt.

He’d lost her trust for good.

As she went inside her aunt’s home,
the confidence in her eyes was replaced by accusation.

His heart slammed against his
chest. What did life matter without Toni? He couldn’t go back to his solitary
world and pretend he’d never loved her. That he didn’t still love her.

Parking his truck out front of his
parent’s house, he got out and limped up the walkway to the front door. The
smell of barbecue filled the evening air. Down the street, Mrs. Langston called
her children to put away their bikes and come inside for dinner. Overhead,
stars gleamed in the summer sky. Everything seemed normal and as it should be.
And yet, Mac’s world had been turned upside down.

He went inside the dark house and
threw the deadbolt. He slumped on the sofa in the living room and stared into
space. When he finally rallied himself an hour later, thick shadows filled the
living room as he passed through on his way to the hall. Without turning on a
light, he walked up the dark stairway and headed straight for his bedroom.

Light from the lamp post outside
shimmered through the open shutters on his window. Further out, bright lights
from the Vegas strip glimmered like Christmas morning. Night sounds filtered
around him, the hum of the air conditioner and the rumble of a car passing down
the street.

The springs of the mattress creaked
as he sat on the side of his bed and reached for his Bible on the nightstand.
He opened it to the fifty-fifth Psalms. Highlighted in red pencil, the words
jumped out at him.

Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and
he shall sustain thee.

If only it were true. Mac longed to
give his guilt over to the Lord. To cast off his remorse over Eric’s death. But
so many reservations filled his heart and mind.

An overwhelming urge to pray filled
him. He slid to the floor and tried to kneel in reverence. He held his injured
leg out straight as he bowed his head and closed his eyes.

As he opened his mouth, his throat
tightened and he couldn’t speak. Emotion caused a hard lump to form around his
vocal chords.

He coughed and tried again. The
first few sentences burst forth with a shudder. Then, the words came pouring
out of him. He opened his heart to God, contrite and humbled. For too long,
he’d withheld himself from his Heavenly Father. Now, the Spirit battered down
the floodgate of his resistance. In a hoarse whisper, he told God everything,
his regrets, his hopes, his pain, and his shame. He handed his burdens over to
the Lord, asking for forgiveness, begging for help. And when he’d finished, he
lay across the bed, weak and drained of energy.

Quiet and calm as a summer morning.

Warmth enveloped him, as though
someone had draped a soft blanket over him, fresh from the clothes dryer.

Gone were his doubts and fears.

His guilt.

Deep in his heart, he knew God
loved him. This knowledge filled him with renewed confidence. The assurance
that he could help Toni find her sister. No matter what, everything would work
out all right. As long as he had faith, good or bad, God would care for them
all.

But what about Toni? How could she
ever truly forgive him?

Trust.

Yes, he must trust the Lord. He
couldn’t comprehend the tranquility he felt, but he knew God loved him, just as
Mac loved Toni. It was the one thing he could control. The one thing no one
else could ever take from him. He freely gave his love to Toni, with no
conditions attached.

A flood of intelligence entered his
mind, as though someone were standing in the room speaking to him. It infused
him with light and knowledge. Like a pulse of electricity thrumming through his
veins. Something he couldn’t comprehend, yet he knew what he must do.

He had to take another look at
Eric’s flash drive. He’d missed something. The answers must be there somewhere.
Cara’s life depended on it.

* * *

Later that night, Uncle Glade drove
Toni and Grandma to their home. Toni sat in the back seat listening to Grams
chat about the new alarm system Uncle Glade had scheduled the security company
to install in their house earlier that day. Knowing they had a security system
brought Toni some small measure of comfort, but it wouldn’t bring Eric or Cara
back. She’d feel better if Grams stayed at Aunt Holly’s place until this
problem was resolved, but Grams had bluntly refused. She wanted to be in her
own house.

As she listened to Grams, Toni felt
filled with misgivings. Her family didn’t know about Eric. How he’d really died
and that Mac might be responsible. Toni couldn’t bring herself to tell them. At
least, not until she was sure. Though she longed to share the burden with
someone else, she didn’t want to cause her family any more worries than they
already had.

Toni prayed the ballistics test
vindicated Mac of any wrongdoing. That he was innocent and it hadn’t been his
bullet that had killed her brother. Thinking about it was too horrible. And she
honestly didn’t know what she’d do if it turned out Mac had killed Eric, even
if it was an accident.

If only Cara were safe. Mac would
come over in the morning and they would wait to hear from the kidnappers. Agent
Miller had said they’d arrive an hour before the deadline, to set up a
recorder. Toni didn’t understand their apathetic attitude. Except for Mac and
the Lord, she felt completely alone. She even thought about offering herself as
a hostage for the return of Cara, but doubted the kidnappers would accept.

The headlights from oncoming
traffic glared in Toni’s eyes as Uncle Glade took the onramp to the freeway.
Toni stared out her black window at the city lights gleaming along the Vegas
strip. So much iniquity and vice thrived in her city. Yet, many good people
lived here, too. All her life, the evil had seemed so far removed. Her family
had gone to church each Sunday. The casinos and nightlife downtown were nothing
more than scenery she ignored. Maybe the good people in this city
counterbalanced the wickedness. She’d been protected by her parents, Eric and
Mac.

Until now.

No matter how hard she tried, she
couldn’t get everything Mac had told her out of her head. She was angry at him.
Furious, in fact. And yet, she felt so bad for what he’d endured. For the guilt
he must be grappling with.

Lost in her own thoughts, she
didn’t notice the car had stopped until Uncle Glade tapped on the window and
called to her from outside the vehicle.

“Hey, sweetheart, you planning on
sitting out here all night by yourself?”

Toni jerked back to reality, then
opened the car door. “I’m sorry, Uncle Glade. I guess I’m tired tonight.”

She got out and followed him and
Grams up the front walkway. The dry air smelled of sweet hibiscus. Inside the
house, Grams looked about the dark entranceway, her eyes wide and uncertain.
Uncle Glade switched on the hall light, then walked to where a new key pad had
been installed on the wall. A shrill beep sounded and a red light blinked until
he punched in a number code. The key pad went silent.

“You’ve got to memorize the code.”
He looked at Bernice. “Don’t write it down for someone to steal.”

“We won’t,” Toni promised.

“Cara still isn’t home.” Grandma’s
eyes showed her anxiousness.

“Don’t worry, Grams. She’ll be home
soon.” Toni closed the front door and threw the bolt. Anything to avoid the
turmoil shrouding her mind. The more time that passed, the more desolate her
hopes became.

And the bleaker Cara’s chances of
survival.

She stood in the entranceway with
Grams, not budging until Uncle Glade checked the house thoroughly.

“The alarm was on. No one could
come inside without setting it off,” he argued.

Bernice looked skeptical and Glade
heaved a disgruntled sigh. “Okay, okay. I’ll check upstairs. Then, I’ll teach
you how to use the system.”

He headed toward the living room,
flipping on lights as he went through the house.

“Come on, Toni. You can help me
make some dinner.” Grandma headed for the kitchen, but Toni detoured into the
living room.

She stared at the mantel, at Eric’s
picture. A handsome man with sandy blond hair, sparkling blue eyes, and a
penchant for laughter. In the picture, his expression seemed so solemn, hiding
his normally gregarious personality. Marine’s didn’t smile when their dress
picture was taken at the end of boot camp. They just didn’t.

She missed him so much. Yet, now
her heart dwelt more and more on Mac. If the ballistics test proved he’d killed
Eric, how could she ever forgive him?

A touch on her shoulder caused her
to whirl around. “Oh, Grams, you startled me.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, but
you do seem extra jumpy tonight.” Bernice glanced at Eric’s picture. “Are you
okay, dear?”

Toni bit her bottom lip, longing to
confide in her grandmother. She didn’t dare. The truth could land like a ten
ton elephant and she didn’t want Grams to end up in the emergency room tonight.

She thought about Cara, knowing the
girl must be so frightened. If the kidnappers hurt her, Toni would never
forgive herself. She’d give anything to have her sister back safe and sound.

A thought occurred to her. Mac must
feel the same way about Eric. He’d said he would give his own life if it would
bring Eric back.

The way the Savior had given his
life for all mankind.

Grams’ eyes crinkled as she
surveyed the room. “Did Mac clean up the mess the burglar made?”

“Yes, most of it.”

“He’s a good man, Toni. You should
give him a second chance.”

Surprised, Toni stared at her.
“What do you mean?”

“You love Mac and he loves you.
Anyone can see that. He’s changed. Give him another chance.”

Toni stiffened. If Grams knew the
truth, she might not be saying this. It was on the tip of Toni’s tongue to
blurt it all out, but she held back. Because she did love Mac, she didn’t want
to hurt him. And yet, she couldn’t forgive him either. And that challenged her
own faith. If she really believed in Christ and the Atonement, then she should
forgive Mac.