Broken Wings (Cruel and Beautiful World, Book One 1) (33 page)

He bit his cheek and looked off to the side. It was a good, long while before he looked back at her and said, "I want more, Leon.
This
-" He motioned between them. "- whatever we've been doing for the past few weeks isn't enough."

With a heavy sigh, Xander went to the closet for his coat. One step forward, two steps back. Fucking Leon ... Why wouldn't she just admit it already?

"Xander." she called, following him. "Xander, please don't go."

"Why?" he asked.

She didn't have an answer.

Rolling his eyes, Xander said, "I need some air."

"Please stay," she pleaded. "I'm sorry I don't feel the same way but -"

He whipped towards her. "You see, that's the thing. You
do
feel the same way. I know you do but, for some reason, you keep denying it, even to yourself."

Deryn choked as she tried to hold in another whimper. She hated this. Why couldn't she just be honest with him? Tell him everything that was holding her back. Tell him about his father.

"I understand you've been through something traumatic. I know it doesn't always seem like it, but I do. But you're never going to get past all this shit if you keep lying to yourself. Don't let those bastards win by denying your feelings for someone who actually cares."

"Are ... are you saying you -"

"Care?" he finished, his face igniting for the first time in days. "Of course I care! We wouldn't even be having this conversation if I didn't care! I care so much that it fucking makes me sick at night! I'm not ..." He gulped. "I'm not used to this, Leon, any more than you are. I've trained myself not to care and, for years, it's worked just fine. Then you come into my life and, all of a sudden, I don't know what I'm doing! I'm not even concerned for my own fucking life anymore! Just yours."

Deryn found herself slowly moving towards him. She just wanted to touch him, to hold him, to breathe him in. But, before she could get there, he turned away.

"I'm going out. When I get back, don't talk to me unless you've figured yourself out. I don't associate with liars."

And with that, Xander opened the door and slammed it behind him, leaving Deryn alone

Several hours passed before Xander returned. Deryn was lying on her bed and jumped to her feet when she heard the front door open, but stopped when her hand reached her knob. What if he wasn't alone? She clutched her aching heart at the realization that Xander coming home with someone wasn't so farfetched.

And then there were voices. Faint so she could barely hear them, but definitely multiple.

Tears were caught in Deryn's eyes as her greatest fear suddenly became a reality. Someone was with him.

Without even thinking, she left her room and followed the voices to Xander's bedroom door. She put her ear to it and listened, but was unable to make out anything. A horrible pang shot through her heart. She brought her hand up and placed it flat on the cold, artificial wood, just trying to feel some part of him in there. She had let this happen. She had pushed him away and into some other woman's -

Deryn stumbled forward as the door burst open. She instinctually took up a battle stance, even though she had no idea what or who to expect.

"Evening, Leon."

Xander was directly in front of her, watching her with amusement. She released her stance and looked around. He was alone. But then what was ...

Her eyes landed on the small radio sitting on top of his dresser.
Her
radio. Aimed at the wall separating their rooms. Glancing at his clock, she saw that it was a few minutes past the top of the hour. Right around the time
Blackbird
always played. So the voices she heard were Talon and Dax and ... Paul McCartney?

Xander turned the radio off and leaned against the dresser, grinning widely.

Deryn scowled. "You jerk! I said no more games, Xander! How dare you trick -"

She didn't get the chance to finish before Xander had her in his arms and slammed against the wall.

"I knew you were a liar," he said, his grin never faltering.

And then his lips were crashing into hers. Deryn remained completely still as Xander kissed her, unsure of how she was supposed to react in that moment. She was angry. Definitely angry. But ...

"Admit it," he whispered into her ear before running his tongue along it. "Admit that you want this just as much as I do."

"I ..."

"Admit it." Xander pulled back and looked at her hungrily. He held his hands against the wall on either side of her, pinning her there as he continued to watch her with lust-filled eyes.

"No, I -"

The moment she began to protest, his lips were back on hers. Massaging, licking, biting, sucking, doing everything he could to drive her absolutely mad. And it was working.

Deryn tried to resist, but a few more moments of this and she knew she couldn't. Her eyes closed as she wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling him into her. Who was she trying to fool? She couldn't fight this. It was too strong, too powerful, too ...

"Fucking beautiful," he said, finishing her thought as she finally began to respond. "Tell me, Leon. I need to hear the words."

"I ..." Deryn gasped as he pressed his firmness into her. "I want this!" she blurted out to her own surprise. "I've wanted this since the night you first stayed with me." And that was the truth, something she hadn't realized until that moment. She'd felt safe with him that night, and that security had changed everything.

Xander pulled back, grinning widely as he tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. Victory had never tasted so sweet. "Then that's all you had to say."

He went in for her lips again and Deryn took this moment to completely take him in. His scent, his touch, the way he felt beneath her fingertips. She needed more.

"I'm still mad at you," she said between parts of their lips.

"It wouldn't be right if you weren't."

She loved the way she could feel his smile pressed against her.

Wrapping his arms around her waist, Xander picked Deryn up and carried her over to his bed. He threw her in its center and climbed on top of her, determined to keep any loss of contact as minimal as possible, so she would never get a chance to be overcome with doubt.

Deryn's hands gripped the sides of his shirt and Xander instantly knew what she wanted. He pulled back for just a moment to pull it off. After tossing it aside, he took something out of the drawer in his nightstand. Deryn watched closely as he pulled a black piece of cloth over his guard wristband.

"What's that for?" she asked.

"So we don't have a repeat performance of last time."

Before Deryn had a chance to ask any more questions, Xander caught her face between his palms and leaned down, kissing her tenderly as she ran her hands along his bare chest, once again stopping just above his heart.

Xander trailed his fingers down her face, her neck, her arms, not stopping until he reached the bottom of her shirt. He began to lift it, but her hands were quick to yank it back down.

He pulled back and stared down at her wide, frightened eyes.

"I'm not afraid of your scars, Leon."

"I know. But I -"

Xander reached over and turned off the lamp on his nightstand. "Better?" he asked.

Deryn nodded. Her hands gave and he was able to take off her shirt. Even in the dark, Xander could still see the beauty in the body he finally had the chance to caress. While he was presently appreciative that he had never thought to buy her a bra, it did dawn on him that he should probably do that. Mental note for later.

Running his hands up her stomach and towards her breasts, Xander paused before gripping them for the first time. She bit her lip as he touched her delicately. He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, kissing her softly as he finally took it all in. He was finally getting what he wanted. He was finally getting her. And it was as beautiful as he imagined.

Xander ran his hands through Deryn's hair while her arms wrapped around his back. His bare chest rubbed against hers, and the sensation of skin against skin caused him to moan into her mouth.

He needed more.

Xander wanted all of her tonight but, as an aspiring realist, he was fully aware that this might not happen right away. Which was why he was so taken off guard when her hands moved between them and started to undo his pants.

He pulled away and stared at her. She sucked on her bottom lip and sheepishly looked away.

"Don't do that if you won't be able to follow through."

Deryn took a deep breath beneath him, causing her chest to press harder against his. By god, he wanted to taste those breasts. But not yet. Not without the -

"Okay," she said, her voice cracking as she looked at him nervously. "I'm going to follow through, Xander. I told you, I want this."

"But we don't have to so quickly -"

"I
want
this," she repeated sternly. She reached up and stroked his cheek. "I promise."

The little resolve Xander had melted under her touch. He nodded slowly. "Alright."

He went back in and kissed her more aggressively. She trembled as she brought her hands back to his pants. He helped her get them off before doing the same to her, leaving them both completely naked.

Xander kissed his way down Deryn's neck, distracting her while his other hand moved between them, making sure she was as prepared for this as she claimed to be. If the wetness between her thighs was any indication then she was more than ready for him.

He massaged her a little longer, relishing in the soft moans escaping her lips as he slipped a finger inside of her, and then a second. When she gasped, he moved his mouth down to her breast, sucking on the perky pink nipple that tasted as sweet as the rest of her.

Deryn closed her eyes as Xander continued to touch her, her hands clinging awkwardly to his shoulders as she realized she had no idea what she was doing. This was the first time anyone had ever tried to make
her
feel good, instead of just using her body to bring their own release, normally quickly and without any sort of priming.

Her mind was suddenly flooded with memories of these men. Using her, pounding her, hurting her. Never once caring when they were so rough they made her bleed.

"Leon."

Deryn opened her eyes. Xander was watching her, looking worried. She hadn't even realized he'd stopped. And then she felt it. The dampness stinging her cheeks. He wiped them with his thumb.

"We don't have to -"

"No!" Deryn shook her head urgently. She grabbed his arms and said, "Xander, please! I want this. I do. It's just ..." She closed her eyes again, letting more tears fall. "I can't shake the memories."

A pause.

"Open your eyes."

Deryn did as he instructed. She gazed up at him while he continued to stroke her damp cheek.

"If we do this, I'm going to need you to keep your eyes open at all times."

She nodded.

"Never take them off of me, not even once. You understand?"

She nodded again.

"That way if you ever start to feel that fear then you'll know it's me here with you." Xander leaned down and kissed her chastely, not once taking his eyes off of hers. "You ready?"

"Can you hold my hand?" she asked with a slight blush on her cheeks.

Xander smiled. He grabbed her hand off of his shoulder and interlaced their fingers, resting them on the pillow just beside her head.

Deryn could feel as Xander moved his other hand downward, stroking himself a few times before settling between her legs. She continued to gaze at him with wide eyes, refusing to break contact as he slowly began to enter her.

Deryn winced as he pushed all the way in, her hand squeezing his as their eyes remained locked.

"I'm going to move now," he breathed into her ear.

Deryn nodded, holding his back with her free hand as he began to slowly thrust inside of her. She sucked in her lips, trying to hold back any signs of pleasure as he panted above her. Realizing what she was doing, Xander touched her lips with his free hand, forcing them to part and release a small moan.

After a few minutes of this slow movement, he told her he was going to move faster. His free hand clutched her hip as he steadily increased his rhythm.

"Leon ... tell me you're alright," he demanded as his thrusts grew more frantic.

"I'm ..." Her head fell back as he hit a particularly pleasant spot. She moaned and brought her eyes quickly back to his. "I'm alright."

Xander kissed her then, biting her bottom lip hard as he finally let himself sink into her. In all of his fantasies, sex with Deryn had always been good, but nothing he imagined could have prepared him for the reality. Every small sound that escaped her lips had him growing harder in what was already an incredibly tight and beautiful fit. He had never felt this unbelievable grasping on his cock before. It was perfect.