Brother Willy's Traveling Salvation Show (30 page)

Scott
nodded his head understanding how Michelle felt. “Things were easy for us before we went to the beach.”

Michelle
had the same somber expression. “When we got to the beach on Wednesday and had our truth session, I thought we were doing the right thing. Now, I am not so sure. I wanted to have a physical relationship with you and I thought that would bring us full circle, but it didn’t.”

Scott
started to smile, mostly to offer Michelle some support. “I thought after Wednesday night that my life was all planned out. We would date for a while and then get married. By Friday night when Beth was out fishing with me, I realized there might be a flaw in my plan. I felt an attraction to her that I couldn’t get out of my mind. I know I love you and I spent most of the day thinking about how I could be attracted to her and love you at the same time. It didn’t make sense to me.”

“Did you ever solve that problem, Sherlock?”
Michelle asked with a lighthearted expression.

Scott
glanced down at the table. “I think so, but I don’t believe you are going to agree with me. Beth needed me and you didn’t.”

Michelle
placed her elbows on the table and let her chin rest in the palm of her hands. “That’s not true, but I understand why you would feel that way. I grew up with three brothers and I learned to stand up for myself and take care of myself. I had to in order to survive. I have needed you ever since the first time I stepped up to the plate to play baseball. I just don’t always show you or tell you. I also have a few issues of my own to face and I don’t think I am doing a very good job of setting my direction. Just to be fair, I don’t think you have all your ducks in a row or you would not have been playing around with her.”

Scott
replied. “I felt like you kept trying to push Beth and me together. She was with us in the hot tub, by the pool, on the beach, at dinner, in our bed, and everywhere else. I assumed you were having second thoughts about us and that you were keeping Beth around in order to keep you and I pushed apart.”

Michelle
’s response was blunt and reflected her feelings. “After Saturday morning, I was trying to push you away. When you went off with Amie, I started to think you had no intention to keep a commitment to me.”

“I was just trying to help the girl.”
Scott insisted.

Michelle
was ready to explain everything to Scott in a way he would have to understand. “Scott, my issue goes deeper than Amie. I know how you felt about Ashley and how serious the two of you were about each other. I still feel like I have to compete with Ashley. When you went off with Amie, I realized you felt some obligation to fix all the broken girls. First it was Beth, and then it was Amie.”

“Are you saying I should not have tried to help them?”
Scott asked with a tone of disbelief.

Michelle
shook her head. “Of course you should have tried to help both of them. You made Beth feel so much better by letting her know she had not been raped by Moose. I don’t know. Maybe you can help get Amie on the road to salvation. My problem is that I don’t know if you still love Ashley or if you feel so much guilt that you are trying to save the world to make up for what happened to her.”

Scott
was showing a great deal of both frustration and restraint as he lightly banged his fist on the table. “If I had made a different choice that night, Ashley would be out playing softball or something instead of wasting away in that wheelchair being unable to be who she was meant to be.”

Michelle
thought she might be able to get Scott to talk about Ashley, which was something he had always refused to do. “Scott, you had nothing to do with the accident. You didn’t invite her to go camping, you didn’t suggest she go to the river, and you weren’t driving the car. You are not responsible for the choices she made.”

Without his normal resistance to talk, or perhaps because he let his guard down for a moment,
Scott offered her a simple explanation. “Ashley thought I was going to take her home after the prom and then take you to the river to camp out. If I had stayed out all night with her or just gone home, Ashley would be free today. There were several things I could have done to change history, only I didn’t do them.”

Michelle
was shocked to hear his statement. “How do you know she thought I would be there?”

“When I got to the hospital, several of her friends were there and they were all upset. They told me it was my fault she had gone out to see if I was cheating on
her.” Scott said as he looked away.

Michelle
was skeptical of his reaction. “Are you telling me you let a few high school girls give you a truckload of guilt to carry around for the rest of your life?”

Scott
smiled. “I’m smarter than that, even though it took me a while to figure out I could not control her choices. At the same time, I have to take responsibility for the choices I made. There were things I could have done, but I didn’t do them. Now, Ashley pays the price for my not making better choices. When I see someone like Amie and I know I might be able to make a choice that could help her, then I have to make that choice to help her. It may not be rational or realistic, but I have to do what I have to do.”

“How was
Ashley when you went to see her yesterday?”

Scott
took a deep breath. “She had a hint of a smile. Her eyes were moist and sparkling. I just wish I knew if she were glad to see me or if the pollen was making her eyes water. I’ll never know which it was.”

“Does
Ashley keep you awake at nights?” Michelle asked.

“Only on the days I go to see her. On all the other nights, I say a prayer for her and go to sleep knowing there is nothing else I can do, other than to visit her more often. I give
her an hour or so a week. That’s not much of a gift. I want to give Ashley her life back and I don’t know how.”

Scott
got up from the table and headed for the motor home door saying he needed to check on everything. Michelle assumed he was taking some time to be alone, as he was gone much longer than he should have been. She was confident Scott had told her much more than he had intended to say.

When he returned,
Michelle did not wish to push the matter of Scott’s relationship with Ashley any further.

Michelle
got up to fix each of them a Coke. Scott was sure the time had come to shift the conversation. “I thought when we went to the beach you and I would have some better idea of where we were headed. I know less now than before we went off together.”

When
Michelle returned to the table, she sat next to Scott rather than across from him. Scott put his arm around her as she leaned against him. “Michelle, what do you want from our relationship?”

She thought for a moment with her eyes closed. “I got engaged to
Tom and I can’t explain why I did that. I am very happy with what you and I had together at the beach, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that we were being thrown together. What we had was nice, but it felt manufactured. I think we made a mistake being pushed together rather than letting things happen on their on. Does that make any sense?”

Scott
felt much the same way as Michelle. “Beth asked me if we were in love with each other or did we love each other. I think she had a point. I also agree with what you said about us being pushed together. I think if we had been sitting on a beach somewhere two weeks ago and then decided to sneak off to a romantic place, things would be different right now for both of us.”

Michelle
could tell from Scott’s words that she could be very sincere without offending him. “I really enjoyed the sexual part of our being together, but instead of me going to bed with you out of a sense of desire, I almost felt a sense of obligation. It was as if we had to prove that we belonged together rather than just letting it happen.”

Scott
once again agreed with Michelle. “For ten years, you and I moved in the same direction, but our relationship was always you and me instead of being us. You and I both went out with other people, yet we still were with each other. In my mind, I think I didn’t really see you and me as being the new us. I saw you and me being the same as we have been for the last ten years. In some ways, I felt like we were the old you and me only we added some really great sex to the way we were.”

Michelle
had a slightly different take on their relationship. “I think we are far more than two friends who love each other and who like to go to bed together, but I don’t think we have found each other yet.”

Scott
looked over his shoulder at Michelle knowing she was about to solve their problem. “So what is your plan?”

“I need to get away from everything for a while. I need to get over
Tom, Beth, William, Betsy, and you. I need to get my head on straight. I need to push my reset button. I can’t get married to you as long as I think of you more as brother and not as the love of my life. We can’t get married just to save our friendship.” Michelle replied.

Scott
nodded his head. “I understand and I think we are looking at this the same way. Therefore, I ask you again. What is your plan?”

“
William said I could go to Washington and work for the group that funds the Salvation Show. I think I need to do that and over the course of time, we will find out if we belong together. It’s going to hurt to leave you and I already miss you, but I think this is right for both of us.” Michelle replied.

Scott
looked away from Michelle for a moment. “You always tell me that I am supposed to be on your side, even when you’re wrong. It’s easy for me this time to be on your side because I think you’re right. If we don’t get back together, then we most likely didn’t belong together.”

“What are you going to do if I leave?”
Michelle asked.

“I have a job interview in
Asheville on Friday. I don’t know what I will do if they offer me the position. I will feel so guilty not going to see Ashley once a week, but I feel guilty anyway.” Scott replied.

Michelle
was confused by his answer. “Why do you feel guilty now? You’ve stood beside her all these years and you should have no reason to feel guilty.”

Scott
folded his arms and put his head down on the table as if he were trying to hide his face. “I don’t want to go see her anymore. I don’t even know her anymore. During the past four years, I went to the rehab center thinking that I would see her getting a little better each time. She is not getting better and without a miracle, she never will. I can’t stand to see her frozen in time in a condition I know she probably hates.”

Michelle
was astonished with what he said and with the fact that Scott was even talking about Ashley. “Do you still love her, Scott?”

Scott
raised his head from the table. “I don’t love her in the way that I love you or will love the person I get married to one of these days. However, I love her memory and I love her spirit. She sits there and fights for whatever little gain she can make each day. No, the girl I loved died four years ago. I’ve just never been quite able to say goodbye to her.”

Michelle
was beginning to understand. “Your feelings go beyond Ashley, don’t they?”

Scott
looked straight ahead, as he spoke. “I had the world all figured out when I came up with my concept of the Universal Mind. I could explain everything. Still, I can’t understand for the life of me where she fits into the Universal Mind. Sometimes when I go see her, I wonder if she is a symbolic repository for all that is unfair and undeserved in the world.”

Michelle
could feel a lump in her throat as she searched for the right words to make Scott feel better. “Sometimes when we search for truth, we don’t find it. Sometimes, all we can do is to throw up our hands and say I don’t understand. Sometimes, events are nothing more than a part of the given order of the universe. I don’t think we are meant to understand everything.”

Michelle
got up to refill their drinks. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think this soul searching trip I am going on is going to take very long. I’ve seen a side of you tonight that I have never seen before and I understand you much better than I did twenty-four hours ago.

Scott
sat for a few minutes without saying anything until Michelle realized he was not telling her what was on his mind. “This is one of our truth discussions and you are holding back something you need to tell me.”

He hesitated for a moment before speaking. “We went for ten years and never so much as kissed each other. Then, you and I went off to different schools. You were engaged to Tom. We went to the beach and met Beth. In fact, from the first time you met Beth, you invited her to do everything with us, which left very little time for us to be alone. Now you are heading off to Washington to work.”

“
What’s your point?” She asked.

Scott
put his arm around Michelle and pulled her close. “You and I both know you aren’t coming back from Washington. We’ve had too many chances to make things work for us and yet nothing ever really changes.”