Building on Lies (25 page)

I looked at myself in the foggy mirror hanging precariously over the sink. I looked awful. My eyes were puffy, my hair looked like it had when I was in the fourth grade…a snarled, tangled mess. No wonder Chan wasn’t at all thrilled to see me. I’d lost so much weight my face was pinched and narrow.

Perfect. Chan, on the other hand, had looked awesome. The cold air must be doing wonders for him, I thought. He looked strong and fit and just plain gorgeous. But I looked like a wreck. It convinced me luck and I just weren’t friends.

I gave the bathroom one last nervous look, then rushed out of there. The last thing I needed was a panic attack to add to my problems.

I looked over the magazines he’d bought. One was a fashion magazine (blech), a gossip tabloid ( they were actually a guilty pleasure of mine) and a National Geographic. I took the tabloid, a bag of Skittles, my can of Raid, and went back to the bed. I munched on the Skittles, the can of Raid on my lap, and read the magazine from cover to cover.

I got out of bed to change into my pajamas, an old over sized tee shirt I’d gotten at the Portuguese festival last year. It was kind of thin, but I hadn’t expected to be falling asleep in a drafty cabin. I thought I’d be in a warm apartment somewhere in New York City. I dug deep under the covers to ward off the chill.

I was sleeping again when Chan got back. I knew it had to be very late. I opened my eyes, groggily. I watched him grab a towel from his bag, and head into the bathroom. I closed my eyes and listened to him shower again. Then he came out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist. It wasn’t entirely dark in the cabin, but it was still kind of dim. He must of thought I was still sleeping, though, because he didn’t turn on the light. He made his way carefully to his bag, and I had to turn away as he took the towel off. It was too dark to see anything important, even though I have to admit I was kind of curious. But it wasn’t fair to spy on him like that. I did get a great glimpse of his butt, which was really impressive. He tugged on a pair of those sexy boxer briefs, and he looked so hot standing there half naked in the moonlight I wanted to grab him and make out with him until the sun came up.

But I just pretended to be asleep. I heard him walk to the leather couch, and settle in there. I felt bad for him. Chan was over six feet tall, and I knew there was no way he would be able to sleep comfortably on couch.

I sat up in the bed. “Chan, you don’t have to sleep there. We can trade. I‘ll take the couch”.

“ That’s OK, Nellie. I’m fine”, he said, his deep voice sounding beyond tired.

“Do you want the comforter, at least?” I asked. It was so drafty in the cabin even I was kind of cold under the blanket.

“ I’ll be fine. If I get too cold, I’ll just get my jacket”.

“ You’re going to be all stiff in the morning sleeping on a couch”, I said, but I leaned back down in the bed. He didn’t respond.

“ Did you have fun in your class?” I asked, just wanting to hear his voice again. I hated that we were in the same room, and treating each other like strangers.

“ It was good”.

“ Did you make anything cool?”

“ Nellie, I’m kind of tired”, he said.

“ Oh”. I put my face in the pillow. I sighed, and sniffled a bit. My nose was running with the cold.

Then Channing was beside me on the bed. “ Nellie. Don’t cry”.

I turned to look at him. “I’m not crying”.

“ I thought…”. He sounded embarrassed. “I thought you were crying. I heard you sniffling”.

“ I’m just cold. My nose is kind of running”, I said, softly, staring up at his handsome face. I wanted to reach up and pull his mouth onto mine.

“ Oh. Do you want my jacket? It’ll warm you up”, he said.

I took a deep breath, and took his hand. “ Why don’t you sleep next to me? We can keep each other warm. The bed’s big enough for two”.

He hesitated, but then he crawled in next to me. I bit my lip to keep from grinning like an idiot, even though he probably wouldn’t be able to see my face in the dark, anyway.

“ Let me sleep against the wall”, he murmured. “In case of spiders”.

I shuddered at the thought. “ Sure”.

He started to roll over me to get to the other side, but then he just held himself over me. He looked down into my face. It was dark but I could see his gorgeous green eyes. He was breathing hard.

“ God, Nellie, I want to kiss you so bad”, he whispered.

“ So why don’t you?”, I asked, softly. I rubbed my thumb over his lips.

“ We should just sleep”, he said, and he rolled next to the wall.

I could have screamed in frustration. He wanted me, I just knew it. It wasn’t only me.

But what was I going to do? Beg him to kiss me? I had a lot more pride than that. I turned over on my side, my back to him. I wasn’t sleepy. In fact, I was wide awake. That’s what happens when the boy you love more than anything in the world is lying right beside you, ignoring you.

“It wouldn’t be fair, Nellie”, he said, all of a sudden.

“What wouldn’t be fair, Chan?” I asked.

“Us getting back together. I took advantage of you. I forced you to sneak around with me. Even when I knew it was wrong to do to you.” He sounded so regretful.

“ Chan, you need to stop blaming yourself for everything all the time. I’m a big girl. I could have told you it had to be me or Samantha. But I didn’t”.

“ Because you’re a good person, Nellie. But I was selfish, and you know it”.

“ You were”, I agreed. “ But so was I. I’ve been really selfish, ignoring my friends, stringing Joaquim along”.

I turned to face him. “But that’s because we’ve been weak, Chan. We should have fought for our love, instead of acting like it was something wrong”.

“ It never felt wrong”, he said.

“ I know. Because it wasn’t. So what you’re from A-Park, and I’m from Cove? You’re rich and I’m not? Big deal”, I said.

“ I never cared”, he said, and I was thrilled when he pulled me close. “Sam’s from A-Park, and she never made me feel like you do”.

“ How do I make you feel?” I asked, snuggling into his arms.

“ Good about myself. Positive. Like I can be so much more than I could ever imagine, you know?” He paused. “People look at me funny sometimes, you know? There’s Chan Sutton. The guy with the controlling parents, and the crazy girlfriend. The guy who gave up his kid at fifteen, even though it’s supposed to be this huge secret. The one with the insane brother. And I just feel so low, you know? But I never feel that way with you. It’s like you’re the only one who understands me. Who doesn’t make me feel ashamed”.

“ You don’t have anything to be ashamed about”, I told him. “I think you’ve been so strong. You might have a lot of opportunities, but your life hasn’t been easy”.

“ Neither has yours”, he said. “ And I just feel so guilty, like I made it much harder for you”.

“ Don’t. I was with you because you made me feel the same way. Happy. Positive”. I got up on one elbow and trailed my fingers across his face.

“ But what about Joaquim? He’s a great guy, Nellie. As much as I hate to think about you with him, I have to admit he’d treat you right”.

“ Joaquim is great”, I agreed. “ He’s sweet, and he’s kind, and I’ve known him all my life. When I think about it, there’s no reason why I couldn’t be happy with him. We’ve got the same friends, our families know each other. It’s like all the ingredients are there, but the recipe is wrong, you know? I don’t feel like I’m walking on air when I’m with him. Like I can tell him all of my secrets. He has no clue I hate spiders, and he’s known me since kindergarten.”

“ I just feel like I’m more than you bargained for”, Chan said. “ I want you to be happy, Nellie. That’s all”.

“ But you do, Chan. You make me so happy”, I said.

“ I don’t know-”, he began, but I put my hands over his mouth.

“ Dude, are you going to make me beg you to kiss me?”, I said.

He laughed, and kissed me. It was like we were two hungry people at a buffet, the way we couldn’t stop kissing each other. I held his face in my hands, to keep him close, near.

“ We’d better stop, Nellie”, he breathed into my ear. By this time, his body was pressed down hard on mine, and his hand was running up and down my stomach.

“ Do we have to?”, I said, stroking his hair. It was dark, but I could see the shimmer green of his eyes. He swallowed hard. All was between us was my cheap tee shirt, and his boxer briefs. I put my hand on his bare chest.

“ Are you sure?”, he asked, nuzzling my neck.

“ Yeah”, I whispered.

He surprised me by sliding out of bed. I thought maybe he’d changed his mind, and was going to go cool off on the couch. Instead I heard him fiddling with something like a wrapper, and I felt my face grow hot.

But I didn’t stop him when he slid into bed, his underwear off.

“ Why do you have condoms here, Chan?”, I asked, shocked. I couldn’t help myself.

“ I kinda bought them when I bought the magazines”, he said, sounding embarrassed.

“ Channing Anthony Sutton! Did you know this was going to happen?”, I asked, incredulously.

“ No, but I hoped. I really really hoped”, he said, laughing.

“ You’re such a horn dog!”, I cried, but then his mouth was on mine again, and all I could think about was how great he felt.

OK, so sex. The first time is awful. So awful you wonder what all the hype is about. You wonder why there are
any
people at all on this planet, because it’s so awkward and embarrassing and yeah, painful. Not painful like you’re getting your arm chopped off painful, but painful enough that tears stung my eyes. Even Chan, who I knew had done it plenty of times before, didn’t really seem to be enjoying himself. He kept asking me if I was all right, and I had to pretend like I was just hunky dory, when I really just kind of wanted him to finish.

The second time, which happened just before sunrise, wasn’t painful, but I thought it was going to be painful, so I couldn’t relax.

It wasn’t until the third time I began to realize why people talked about it, sang about it, even made movies about it. I was kind of disappointed when we couldn’t go for round four because Chan hadn’t bought enough condoms.

He also had to leave for his workshop…it was almost the afternoon, and as much we both wanted to spend all day together, Chan had to go work on his projects.

So we squeezed ourselves into the tiny, creepy bathroom to brush our teeth, and take a shower. It was fun trying to scrub each other’s backs in the narrow stall. Chan took up most of the shower, and I complained I couldn’t even wash my neck because I had no room to move.

“ And Chan, is it just me or is this water kind of tea colored?”, I asked, as he stuck his head under the shower head.

“ It’s tea colored”, he laughed, blinking the water out of his eyes. “ We’re probably dirtier than when we got in!”.

“Nice” I said, and squealed as he took his soap sponge and squeezed it over my head.

We toweled off, and got dressed. Chan went to the fridge to get me something to eat. My stomach growled loudly. I was hungry now, starving in fact, like my body just realized it had been deprived of food for too long.

Another thing about sleeping with someone you love is you get really comfortable with each other. Maybe a little too comfortable. Before, I would have died of embarrassment to burp in front of Chan. Not anymore. After drinking a whole can of Dr. Pepper, I just let it rip. He laughed so hard he almost fell out of his chair.

“ Bet you can’t top that!”, I teased, taking a bite out of my sandwich.

“ Oh, no? I’ll have you know you’re looking at the winner of the Ardsley Park Country Club Belching contest, five years in a row!”, he said, and let out a huge belch would have made Moe from the Simpson’s proud.

“ I’m kind of amazed there
is
an Ardsley Park Country Club Belching contest”, I said, shaking my head, as he waved his hand in front of his face proudly.

“ You can still try and join the soap making workshop if you want”, he said later on, as he got ready to go. “ We can sign you up at the lodge”.

“ You don’t want me to call Ro to come and pick me up?”, I asked, standing on tiptoe to kiss him.

He stroked my cheek. “ No. I can’t tell you how happy I am you’re here with me”.

“ Yeah?”, I asked, smiling.

“ Yeah”, he said, and then slapped my butt.

“ Listen, just because you ravished me doesn’t mean you can grab me like some old perv!”, I said, punching him.

“ And just because you seduced me doesn’t give you the right to beat me up!”, he laughed.

We walked hand in hand to the lodge, where he signed me up for the soap class. I wasn’t too keen on soap making, but Chan would be gone for most of the day, and I didn’t feel like reading magazines all day long.

Armed with my ever ready can of Raid, he dropped me off at the soap workshop. It turned out to be hard, but kind of fun. The other people in the class eyed my insect repellent with curiosity, and I had to explain about phobia.

“ I used to be scared of bugs, especially spiders”, said an older lady named Caroline, as we dropped scented oil into our soap wax.