Bull: A Steamy Billionaire Romance Novel (11 page)

His passion waned and I felt
his hands tremble.  He pulled off my lips and in his eyes, I couldn’t see past
my own reflection.  I looked strong despite my reddened face and I didn’t see a
trace of fear or nervousness.  I surveyed my body to find it still while Ethan
shook against me.  His eyes were uncertain and terrified.

10

I saw a dark trench in him,
where he hid the things he couldn’t say.  He was at war with himself, and I had
been witness to the bombs going off.  I gathered every ounce of strength in me
and dared myself to speak.

“I love you,” I finally professed
only to be met with rage.

“Don’t you dare say that,” he
commanded, but I saw concern on his face more than anger.  Then it hit me.

“I don’t believe you killed
your wife,” I said in a soft whisper.  I wasn’t sure if I had hit the right target
but it’s all I could think of. 

“I did.  I fucking did.”  His
eyes burned red and his grip strengthened.

“I don’t believe you-“ I
repeated, fighting back for the first time.

Ethan leapt off me and started
getting dressed, tossing my clothes to me.  I expected him to run or tell me to
go, but he just stood there, staring at the floor.

“If it weren’t for me, she’d
still be alive,” he exhaled the words out.  “She killed herself because of me;
because of what I turned into.”

I let him have silence and
didn’t respond, but I watched him closely.  His gaze lingered on the floor for
a few minutes before he picked his head up to face me.

“Heading this company changed
our lives forever.  I was convinced it’d be a good thing but she couldn’t
handle the lifestyle or what it was doing to me.  She tried to tell me-“ he
choked on his words and let a tear roll down his cheek.

He told me about his young
ambition.  His childhood was a struggle and he refused to be poor.  He paced
the floor and described his past.  He saw an opportunity and built his company
from the ground up.  He described the obstacles and the long nights, and then
he mentioned his wife.

“She was the most beautiful
woman I’d ever seen,” he said in a way that stopped my heart.  Jealousy filled
me and I found myself wishing he had said that about me.  He told me how he’d
won her heart and how they shared in the excitement of his company’s success.

She had been supportive, he
explained, until they had had more than enough money and he participated in
some questionable practices.  They saw less of each other as the days went on
and she accused him of being heartless and greedy.

The fighting worsened and they
would go days at a time without talking.  She threatened to leave him but he fought
back with threats of taking everything she had if they divorced.  She was
miserable and trapped.

“And I trapped her there,” he
confessed.  “I only gave her one way out.”

I couldn’t stand it any longer.
 I jumped from the bed and ran to him, wrapping my arms around his neck,
kissing his cheek.

“It wasn’t your fault,” I
whispered and watched him break like glass.  I watched a flood being held back,
a volcano ready to erupt.  He was crying and furious about it.  I repeated
myself and felt him finally relax against me, exhaling in short bursts.

I moved him to the bed and held
his head against my chest, stroking through his thick black hair.  I thought of
Jared and wondered if he had even left the car.  I wanted to see his face more
than ever.

Ethan lifted his head, pulled
on my chin with his hand, and kissed me.  It was tender and grateful and I felt
all the power of that day above the city.

He moved his hand behind my
head and cradled it as we kissed.  I felt protected by Ethan for the first time. 
He was no longer violent or dangerous.  He was delicate and breakable.  I
placed a palm on his chest and felt his heart beat racing below it.  I was full
of love for Ethan, Jared, and the strangers downstairs.  I wanted them to all
be mine and I theirs.  I wanted an affair with the world that would never end.

Ethan’s heart pulsed into my
hand and I felt mine sync with him.  He pulled from my lips and flashed a pair
of youthful eyes.

“I love you, Vanessa,” he said
in a tone I’d never heard before.  It was confident and cool but shaking with
vulnerability.  “I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

Confusion swept over me. 
He
didn’t want to see me get hurt?
 
Really?

“You could’ve fooled me,” I
replied.  I wanted to reciprocate his love, but he had put me through so much
and I couldn’t let it go.  I saw his eyes grow wide with disappointment and his
face relaxed.

“I’m sorry.”  He seemed to be
apologizing to himself more than to me.  I didn’t know how to respond so I let
a silence grow between us.  He shifted on the bed and appeared uncomfortable.

My ears tuned into the music
from the floor below.  It slid up the stairs and under our door like a fog and
I imagined it would carry me away.

“I promise,” he said finally,
“I will find a way to make it up to you.  I can’t lose you Vanessa.”  My
husband’s voice rang in my ears,
I can’t lose you
.  Ethan placed a hand
on my thigh jolting my thoughts back to him.

Suddenly there was a light in
his eyes and his passion was renewed.  He held my shoulders in his hands and
became wild with excitement.

“Leave your husband, Vanessa. 
Run away with me,” he pleaded.  My head was spinning. 
Leave Jared?

“I can’t,” I replied.  “I love
you, Ethan.  I even need you.  But I love him too.”  Before I knew it I was
crying.  I wanted separate worlds, one for Ethan and one for Jared.  I needed
both of them in my life.

I could see Ethan’s defeat
consume him.  He looked tired and aged.  He shook his head of whatever he was
thinking and held me in his arms.

“It’s ok, Vanessa.  I understand,”
he assured me.  He kissed my forehead and held me in his arms.  I felt safe and
started realizing how tired I was.  It had been a long week and a long night
and I remembered that I hadn’t slept the night before.

The fog of sleep rolled in and
slowed my breath, and I hardly remember laying on the bed in Ethan’s arms.

My dream of the bull returned,
but Ethan wasn’t there to shoot an arrow through it.  I saw Jared in the stands
cheering me on and I let the bull come for me.  It ran toward me in slow
motion, its black fur glistening in the sun, showcasing every strand.  I didn’t
bother running and I wasn’t afraid.  I remember knowing that he attacked me,
but I didn’t feel any pain and I didn’t fight back.

I choked on my breath as I died
in the dream and my eyes burst open to see a gold room where the red one was. 
The sun poured through the windows, stripping the room of its primal color and
I saw how elegant it was.

There were crystal lamps
sparkling on glaze wood tables between the armchairs that sat in the corners. 
The wallpaper had specks of gold that reflected the sun, nearly blinding me.  The
air sneaking through the cracks in the window had lost its chill.  I was
sweating and the bed dazzled beneath my skin.  I saw that I was alone in it.  I
was alone in the entire room.

I got dressed and peered
curiously out the window.  They faced the front of the house and I saw Jared’s
car still parked outside.  I couldn’t believe I had forgotten about him and
wondered if he ever came inside.

I slid the straps of my dress
on my shoulder, careful not to rub the fabric against my nipples which still
hurt from the night before.  I looked down and cherished the bite marks.  I
looked behind me as I left the mysterious red room, now basking in rich
daylight.

The dark hallway outside had
brightened to a dim grey and I could at least see my own feet.  I slowly neared
the stairs, part of me afraid of what I’d find and part of me afraid for what I
wouldn’t.

The house was quiet enough that
I could hear the floorboards shift beneath my feet.  I wondered if there was
anyone else around to hear me coming.  If they were, they didn’t show
themselves.

The foyer had a rosy shine when
I finally reached the main floor as if it were blushing from the heat.  I put
my hand to my cheeks and felt that they were warm.

I pushed open the doors to the
ballroom and saw that it was dark and empty.  The only light shining through
was what filtered in behind me, and I watched a long shadow stretch across the
floor.

Everything was clean and in
order, you could never tell what happened the night before.  Most of the
furniture was removed and the bar was shut down.  I started to question whether
it had all been a dream, but the pain in my jaw wouldn’t let me forget.

“Mrs. Banks?”  I turned quickly
to face Ethan but it was only an usher.  “Do you need anything before heading
home?  Mr. Sloane made it clear to let you stay as long as you like.”

“Where is he?” I asked him.

“I’m not sure, Mrs. Banks.  I
don’t ask about his business.”  He flashed a look of pity before collecting
himself.

“I’m ready to go then,” and he
showed me to the door.

The sun seared my skin but the
humidity rescued me.  I could hear a thousand creatures stirring and birds
greeting me as I walked toward the car, desperate to finally see Jared.

I peered through the window to
see an empty driver’s seat reclined with a jacket bunched into a pillow.  I
whipped my head around to see where he had gone.  I don’t know why I didn’t
call for him.  I guess I didn’t want to disturb the pleasant atmosphere.

I walked up the road and took in
the scenery.  The trees reached out and the sun warmed me.  I thought I could
stay here forever and then remembered that Ethan had asked me to run away with
him.  Part of me was second guessing my decision when the other part of me
heard Jared calling.

“Vanessa!” his tired voice
cried out.  I turned around and saw him waving by the car with his long arms
and disheveled appearance.  His shirt was tucked in part of the way and his
hair scattered over his head.  I felt an overwhelming joy at his display and
ran to him.

When I was finally in his arms
I raised my hands to his face to keep him close and kissed him wildly.  He
wrapped his long arms around me and held me tightly.  Despite not knowing
Ethan’s whereabouts I felt complete. 

I apologized to Jared for
leaving him in the car and falling asleep but he didn’t seem concerned.  I
peered into his eyes and determined he was too good for me.  Jared opened my door
and ushered me in.

He sat behind the wheel, raised
his seat, and looked more rejuvenated by the second.  I could tell he was
desperate and excited to return home.  I couldn’t keep myself from smiling
through the pain in my jaw.

The road home was different than
the road we took to the swinger’s party.  It was no longer pitch black and I
could see the deer through the trees.  I rolled down my window and let the
woodsy scent devour me.  I held Jared’s hand as he drove and closed my eyes to
think of Ethan.  I considered the many places he could be; other cities or
countries and I imagined myself beside him.

---

Jared and I spent Sunday in
close contact.  We spoke less this time and embraced instead.  We shared a
brunch together and never stopped smiling.  I loved him now more than I ever
had.

Going to work the following
Monday was less strange than I expected.  I almost forgot that Ethan Sloane was
CEO and remembered my early days on the job.  I felt stable and like I could
handle anything.

I didn’t hear from Ethan all
morning, but my curiosity got the best of me.  During my lunch break I headed
upstairs to his office to see if he was even there, but he wasn’t.