Bunches (7 page)

Neither Lizzy nor I moves. I’m
still not convinced he remembers us; maybe the look on his face just means he
feels awkward having so many people stare at him,. Lizzy gives me a searing
look, her eyes ordering me to say something. But I can’t. I’m frozen.

JJ walks past us and up to the
counter. He’s still holding a coffee cup in his right hand, and his hair is
tousled in that perfectly messy sort of way guys manage to pull off so
effortlessly.

“Any particular kind of muffins?”
Noah asks, his hands on the counter in front of him.

“What do you have?” JJ asks,
turning toward Lizzy and me. The coffee shop is silent. Then from the back
room, a voice yells, “Honey, he’s talking to you.” Noah’s grandmother has
struck again. I start in horror, realizing the “honey” she’s referring to is
me.

“I have chocolate chip,” I manage
to say. JJ nods and smiles. I have no idea why I do this, but I take a big bite
of muffin and start chewing. Lizzy looks like she wants to do a face palm.

Once Noah has gotten JJ an
assortment of muffins, he leaves again.

“Wow,” says Lizzy, slapping her
hand dramatically on the counter. “He totally has a thing for you. Did you see
how much he was smiling? He couldn’t take his eyes off you.”

“That and he’s hot,” Noah adds.

I wish I could melt into my
chair, while Lizzy turns to him and grins. “I think I’m going to like you,” she
says, batting her eyelashes at him. “I think I’m going to like you a lot.”

“High five to that,” Noah says.

The three of us spend a very
pleasant morning getting to know each other. Only a handful of customers come
in before Lizzy and I leave at nearly noon, so Noah is able to spend a lot of
time talking to us. One of his other siblings also shows up to help out, which
gives him even more time for chatting. We find out that he lives upstairs with
his grandmother and the brother, but that he’s really from further out in the
country.

When Lizzy and I explain that JJ
works at the Remember, Noah looks a little sad. He’s still only twenty, and he
won’t be able to go out with us. He has a fake ID, but his grandmother has
threatened terrible things if he gets in trouble on her watch this summer, and
he doesn’t want to risk it.

“No worries,” says Lizzy. “We
will totally fill you in on all the details.”

Noah grins. “Awesome. And I can
totally come hang out at your apartments before you go out. I give great
fashion advice.”

Lizzy giggles. “Then by all means
take our girl here shopping.”

She nudges me in the ribs and I
glare at her. Okay, so I’m a fan of t-shirts with brand names and skinny jeans
with flats, big deal. I wear what makes me feel comfortable, not what everyone
else tells me I should wear.

“Don’t you want me to find
someone who likes me for me?” I ask.

Lizzy pauses and taps her bottom
lip thoughtfully with her index finger. Finally she says, “No, at this point I
just want you to find someone, period. And get laid. I think you’d relax a bit
if you did the deed. So, two things.”

I’m so shocked she’s said that in
front of Noah that my mouth goes dry, but he takes it all as a joke and cracks
up.

Lizzy glances at me, and she can
see by the look on my face that she has crossed a line.

My good mood gone, I simply say
quietly, “It’s one thing to go on a date, but it’s totally different to talk
about sex with someone else.”

Noah, instantly understanding
that I have a past, stops laughing. He looks questioningly between me and my
friend, but he can tell from how I’m hanging my head and fiddling with the
handle on my mug that I’m not ready to talk about it. He’s not just perceptive,
though, he’s gentle and forbearing.

Warmly, he places his hand over
mine. He waits until I meet his eyes to speak. Looking into their depth I see
nothing but kindness. “It’s hard to talk to strangers, but pretty soon I won’t
be. Whatever you need and whenever you’re ready to tell me.” He pats my hand
comfortingly, then lets go.

The last thing I expect is to see
her this morning. I’m so surprised at the heat coursing through me that I do .
. . nothing. Smooth, JJ. You run a bar and are more than capable of talking to
women, but then when you see her you become a silent idiot. First, I’m tired
and I have a long day ahead of me, and to make it worse I haven’t gotten enough
sleep. Second, I had no idea she lived near me. That should be interesting.

I feel better once I leave the
coffee shop.

I’m now more sure than ever that
she’s the same girl.

She clearly has no idea who I am,
and neither does her friend. I’m a couple of years older than they are, and I
moved back here at the end of high school, so it’s not that surprising. I was
here a lot with my grandfather in the old days, helping out at the bar in any
way an underage kid could.

My phones buzzes. It’s a text
from Ben, my bouncer. He and Sylvan are getting breakfast and they want me to
join them. I decide I probably have time before I meet Jessie for a run.
Anything to get my mind off Nora.

I head for our favorite breakfast
dive. I like days with the guys. Jessie usually lets me have them after I’ve
worked late. It’s her way of showing she understands the demands of my job.

I enter the small diner. There
are red linoleum chairs and big windows and it smells like bacon. Sylvan and
Ben are sitting in their usual spots and I slide in next to them.

“Morning,” says Sylvan, taking a
big swig of coffee.

“Morning,” I greet them.

“How was last night?” Ben asks.
He had the night off.

“Good,” I say. “Lots of people.
Busy. No major issues.”

“Jessie stopped in,” says Sylvan,
his eyes gleaming. I glare at him. It’s the guy’s version of tattling.

“No,” Ben groans. “She should
know better by now. It’s ridiculous that she checks up on you like that, man. I
know she’s a nice girl, but you own a bar, and two years in she still hasn’t
gotten over it. If Katie freaked out every time I went to work there’s no way
we’d still be together.”

“She’s going to care until they
break up,” says Sylvan, putting so much sugar in his coffee I’m surprised
there’s any left for the table.

“She doesn’t freak out and let’s
talk about anything else,” I mutter.

Once I order, bacon, eggs, whole
wheat toast, and home fries, we shift topics. The guys can see I don’t want to
talk about Jessie. She’s my girlfriend and I care about her. I love Jessie as
much as I can love anyone, and I’m relieved to have found her.

We talk about sports and about
crazy nights at the bar. We talk about what Ben’s going to do once the summer
finishes and there isn’t as much work for him at the bar. We talk about
Sylvan’s older brother, who was in a car accident a couple of years ago and
never fully recovered, then we return to talking about sports. We’ve been here
for almost two hours when I get a text. I glance down and see that it’s from
Jessie. She’s bailing on our run because she has work to do, and she wants to
know if she should stop in at the bar later on.

“See?” says Ben, shaking his
head. “She doesn’t get that you can’t have your girl coming around all the
time.”

“I’ll just tell her I think it’ll
be a busy night,” I say. A quick flash of wonder shoots through me and I pause.
I wonder whether I’m telling her that because I don’t want her at the bar, or
because a small part of me hopes that Nora will come in tonight and I don’t
want to kiss Jessie in front of her. That’s crazy, isn’t it? I shake my head
and type out the text. It’s what I want to do, and overthinking it is only
going to drive me crazy.

“Or you could just dump her,”
Sylvan offers.

“Via text?” Ben says, shocked.
Ben has very high standards for behavior. Maybe you wouldn’t expect it of a
bouncer and maybe you would, but he steadfastly believes everyone deserves
respect . . . until they are staggering around starting fights at his bar, then
he just throws them out on their ass.

“I thought you liked Jessie,” I
say. Jessie’s nice enough, and she gets along decently with most of my friends.

Jessie doesn’t answer right away,
which tells me she’s a little pissed. She always has her phone on her.

“Love gives you wings, man,” says
Sylvan, laughing. He’s the biggest confirmed bachelor I’ve ever met.

“Sylvan, are you lecturing me on
love?” I laugh, tossing my napkin onto my cleaned plate.

“Don’t look now, but I think you
have some fans.” Ben elbows me and nods to a table a few down the row, where a
group of girls sit giggling, periodically glancing over at us.

When I look over they wave. I
smile and nod back, being polite, then turn back to my friends. Both Sylvan and
Ben are chuckling at me.

“Are they from the bar?” Sylvan
asks.

I shrug. “No idea.” We all see so
many faces at the bar it’s hard to keep track.

That’s another thing that pisses
Jessie off: when any other girl pays attention to me. I’m pretty sure that’s
why she comes into the bar, because she doesn’t like it.

“They’re cute. We could ask them
to lunch,” says Sylvan thoughtfully.

“Still hungry?” Ben asks dryly.
“Because I don’t think I’m going to eat again until dinner. Besides, my lady
would never forgive me.” Ben is very taken with his girlfriend Katie. They’re
about to move in together.

“You’re going to eat again in a
hour,” I say, laughing and ignoring the girls. “Sylvan, what were you
attempting to say about love?”

“I’m just saying, man, a lot of
our friends are married now. I’ve seen what love looks like, and you might
think you love Jessie, but you don’t, not really. She isn’t your only.”

“Yeah, okay Cupid,” says Ben.
“Anyway, let’s get out of here.”

“Yeah,” I say, “I gotta go feed
Anabella.” My cat Anabella is part of my story. She’s five, and she was my
mother’s. Moving here from Boston was hard for her, but she’s adjusted pretty
well. She hates having to stay inside all the time, and every once in a while
she gets out. When that happens my roommate calls me and I have to leave work
to go find her. I’m usually frantic and she’s usually very amused when I
eventually show up.

I sigh and leave the diner. I
should be thinking about Jessie, wishing I could see her tonight. We had plans
for before I go to work, after all. But I’m not thinking about her. Truth to
tell it’s been a while since I’ve thought about her much. Instead, I’m thinking
about a girl and wishing I could be the kind of guy who would always make her
smile.

It’s Saturday, and I was having a
lazy day in bed, reading and watching bad TV shows, until Lizzy came up with an
idea.

“Do we have to go?” I ask, for
what must be the eighth time. Lizzy stopped answering me for a while, but now
she relents.

“It’s nice we can go. Noah can
come. I love new friends,” she grins. We’re in my apartment. Nancy is who knows
where, and we’re discussing when we’re going to leave for the block party.

“I like that they have block
parties here,” she says, spinning her gorgeous hair up into a messy yet
attractive bun. “We can get to know our neighbors.”

“At least we don’t have to go
far,” I say. “And I can take cookies.”

Even after Michael, I have always
loved to bake. I find it relaxing, but it’s hard to bake for just one. Once
Lizzy mentioned the block party earlier today, I figured the more I baked the
better, and I rose to the challenge. My apartment now smells like sugar and
chocolate.

“The invitation said BYOB and
snacks,” says Lizzy. “I highly doubt they meant homemade cookies.”

“We’re going to find out,” I say
stubbornly, giving Snick a pet as I pass. My cat is curled up on the arm chair,
relaxing, its tail curved around its body.

“Uh huh,” Lizzy says, putting the
final touches to herself in the mirror.

“Is Aimee meeting us there?”

“She’s going to try,” says Lizzy.
“She wants to meet Noah. She thinks that if we have a native Portland friend
we’ll see more of the cool places while we’re here this summer.”

“He thought the Remember was
pretty cool,” I say, plopping down on my bed. Lizzy eyes me.

“You only agreed to go to this
block party so you didn’t have to dress up, right?”

I’m wearing jeans and a t-shirt
and I grin at her.

“Yup,” I say. “Mission
accomplished.”

“Steven says you look hot no
matter what,” she says. “Don’t worry, I punched him for it.”

“Steven thinks of me as his
sister,” I say. “And oddly enough I’m not worried if you punch him.”

She grins at me. “Still, safer to
punch first and ask questions later. That’s what I say.”

I laugh. “I think you’re too
small to have violent tendencies.”

“Maybe,” she says with a wink.
“Do you think our bartender will be there?”

“He isn’t our bartender,” I
protest automatically, ignoring the butterflies that start flitting around in
my stomach just at the thought.

“You’re right,” says Lizzy,
sticking out her lower lip. “He’s YOUR bartender.”

She laughs when I throw a pillow
at her.

“It’s nice to see you smiling,”
she says, cradling the pillow to her chest. “It’s about time.”

I sigh and look out the window.
The truth is, I feel better here in Portland - by the sea, in the fresh air,
with friends who want me to be happy even if they don’t understand me. I’m
happier right now than I’ve been in five years. I’ve spent the day baking and
watching TV, and every time I threatened to have a bad moment, to get lost in
the memories, I was able to push it aside. I’m still relaxed, even at the
thought of going outdoors to a party.

“Come on,” says Lizzy. “Noah’s
going to meet us downstairs. He’s going to help scope out whether the
bartender’s there or not.”

“Yeah?” I say, tempted to give in
to the dismay that thought triggers. “Tell him to scope out whether JJ’s
girlfriend is with him.”

“Girlfriend isn’t wife,” says
Lizzy. At the sound of my protests she holds up a hand. “I’m not telling you to
break up a relationship.”

“Not that I could,” I interrupt.

“I’m just saying he hasn’t
married her. He’s young, he’s hot, and he’s clearly into you.”

“Which is why he hasn’t tried to talk
to me and doesn’t know my name?” I ask as we descend the stairs. I live in the
fourth floor of a walkup. It’s a long way to climb, but I love the place so
much it’s worth the climb.

In front of me Lizzy’s voice
echoes a little. “He was working, and it was busy, and you, my darling, are not
the easiest girl to approach.”

I can’t argue with her there.
Making an exasperated sound, I follow her outside, and we’re instantly in the
middle of a party. Just down at the end of my block is a little stone square,
where tables of food and drink and colorful streamers are set up. There are
people everywhere, laughing and drinking and having a good time. I’m almost as
alone as I am at the bar.

“See Noah?” Lizzy asks, turning
to me. She’s wearing a cute white summer dress, and guys are already turning
their heads in appreciation. She fluffs her air and laughs at the whistles and
calls.

“Does Steven know guys react to
you that way?” I ask. It’s almost dark out, but with Lizzy’s white dress I’ll
have no problem spotting her.

Lizzy shrugs as if she couldn’t
care less, then she laughs. “I hope so.”

She grabs my arm. “Come on. You
need to set that plate of cookies down.” I inhale the sweet aroma, glad I took
the time to bake. Snick watched me quietly while I mixed the batter and stuck
the cookie sheet in the oven. Now, still a little warm and gooey, they’re ready
for serving.

We’re almost to the table when a
familiar voice calls out to us. I turn around and grin at Noah as he saunters
over. His unevenly red hair is wet and flopping, making his skin look even more
pale.

“I love cookies,” he cries out.
“May I?”

I laugh and hold out the plate,
and he takes two.

“Don’t you work with baked goods
all day?” Lizzy asks, grabbing a beer and looking around for a cute guy with a
bottle opener.

“Yeah, but they aren’t Nora’s,
and anyhow I avoid eating the stuff at the shop, because Gram doesn’t like it,”
he says, taking a large bite.

“Wow, delicious,” he says with
his mouth full. He gives us both hugs and then looks around.

“I can’t wait until I’m
twenty-one,” he says forlornly, looking at Lizzy’s bottle of beer. “Then Gram
can’t get mad.”

“It isn’t far off,” Lizzy says
comfortingly.

“Come on,” says Noah, his eyes
bright. “Let’s find a place to sit. We can bartender-watch. . . . I mean people-watch.”

Lizzy laughs uproariously.

“You said another one of your
friends is coming?” he asks, as we move out of the way of a large group, all of
whom are wearing white polo shirts and khakis. “Tourists,” he mutters as they
pass.

“Yeah, Aimee,” says Lizzy. “She’s
excited to meet you.”

He takes another large bite of
cookie. “I’m excited to meet her, too. Have I told you how delicious these
are?” he asks again.

We’re surrounded by bright lights
against a sky chock full of stars. All around us there’s laughter, and people
are dressed in the bright colors of summer.

I nod, but I’m not really paying
attention. I feel a dark cold coming on. All the people and all the laughter
have thrown me for a loop, and I’m having trouble breathing. I gasp a little,
and Noah puts his hand on my back and guides me away from the brightest street
lights, Lizzy following a few steps behind us. This town is nice in that there
are a lot of benches, and people have brought folding chairs out of their
apartments for the block party, so there are plenty of places to sit.

We’re about to sit down when Noah
squeals. “Oh, snap. There’s our boy. Your boy. Whatever. Mission accomplished.”

“How did I end up having so many
nosy friends?” I say quietly.

“What was that you said?” Noah
asks, his mouth full of cookie.

“Nothing,” I mutter. I sit
between my old friend and my new and find the courage to look up.

My breath hitches, but now it’s
for an entirely different reason. JJ is standing across the street from me
talking on his phone, and he does not look thrilled. There’s a guy standing a
few feet from him, holding the hand of a pretty girl. The guy is bald and looks
a little familiar.

“Is that the bouncer from the
Remember?” Lizzy asks, following my gaze. “The guy with JJ?”

“Yeah, I think so,” I say. I’m
trying to sound casual, but I totally fail. Noah laughs. “You’re already a
regular. He’s going to be nice to you from now on.”

I roll my eyes. “Yeah, because
I’m a regular. At a bar.” The thought was still a little surprising to me.

“You aren’t a regular yet,” says
Lizzy, “but if I have anything to say about it you’re going to be. By the end
of the summer you will be. I’m so proud.”

I ignore Lizzy and the tension
eases in my chest. I might be looking directly at his friend, but at this
moment I’m more aware of JJ’s movements than I am of anything else in the
world.

“Go talk to him,” Lizzy nudges
me. “He’s alone.”

“He isn’t alone,” I protest.

“Okay, well, he’s not with her,”
says Noah.

“You say that like you don’t like
her, and yet you’ve never even seen her,” I say, laughing at my friend’s
protectiveness.

“I agree. I get bad vibes,” says
Noah, lifting his chin. “Bad girlfriend vibes.”

“She looked nice,” I say, folding
my arms over my chest and forcing my eyes away from JJ. I can’t be caught
staring. He might think I mean something by it and I don’t, right?

“She’s nice,” says Noah, arching
his eyebrow. “She’d be a lot nicer if she wasn’t his girlfriend.”

“He has to date someone,” I say.
“He’s gorgeous.” Then I clap my hand over my mouth as my friends laugh.
Normally I’m so careful, but my censor just goes out the window where JJ is
concerned.

“Don’t you want that kind of
love? That kind of breathtaking, earth-shaking, soul-completing love?” Noah
asks me.

“I had it,” I say quietly. I can
say it now without crying. “I just don’t believe it’s possible to have it
twice.”

Lizzy just shakes her head at me.
“Everyone deserves that. I know you had it and you lost it, but that doesn’t
mean you can’t have it again.”

“Don’t look now, but I think
we’ve been spotted,” says Noah, sitting up straighter. Sure enough, when my
eyes frantically search out JJ again he’s on the move, striding across the
street. His broad shoulders are covered by a t-shirt and his long legs are
looking great in dark jeans. He’s coming right for us.

Seriously, why don’t I have the
superpower of melting into the seat and disappearing? Seriously.