Burn for You (33 page)

“I am.” It was strange how the more agitated he became, the more calm she felt.

“But how can you be sure? How can you know?”

She laughed and repeated the words she’d been saying all night. “I just do.”

“But…” He sank back on the edge of his dresser. “You don’t know everything…about me. You could change your mind.”

“I won’t change my mind.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Okay, then tell me everything. Tell me all the things about you that I’m not going to like. And I’ll let you know if I want to take back my I-love-you.”

Looking down at the floor, he shook his head and said nothing.

“Want me to go first? I sometimes snort when I laugh. And I hate doing laundry, so much so that I’ve been known to buy new underwear before I bother with it. Which is pathetic since I’m lucky enough to have a washing machine
in
my apartment. Which brings me to my next flaw. I’m sometimes seriously lazy about housework—”

“Victoria.”

“What? Now, you know. Are any of those deal breakers for you?”

“This isn’t a game.”

“No, you’re right. It’s not.” She waited until he raised his gaze to hers. “It’s not a game, Jason. It’s my heart. Don’t hand it back to me when I try to give it to you.”

He winced and looked away. “Victoria, don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

He pinched the bridge of his nose with his good hand and closed his eyes, shutting her out.

“You think I’ll change my mind about you, huh?”

“I know you will!” He dropped his hand from his face and looked her directly in the eyes. “You have no idea, Victoria. No idea what kind of person I am.”

“Don’t I? Well, let me tell you what kind of person I think you are, and you tell me if I’m wrong. I know you’re the type of person who can’t stand to see people hurting. I know you’re the kind of person who would kiss a bridesmaid in a courtyard to spare her ridicule from some small-minded people—”

“That’s not the only reason I kissed you. I wanted you. Plain and simple.”

She almost smiled. If he thought that made him less desirable in her eyes, he was mistaken. She’d much rather have been desired than pitied. “I also know you’re the kind of person who fights for what you know is right. Like when that reporter accused me of incompetence.”

“That was nothing.”

“Not to me. It wasn’t nothing to me. And I know you’re the kind of person who protects the people you care about. Like when you decked Flaherty—”

“Don’t put me on a fucking pedestal for that. I was way out of line.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. But the fact is, you did the wrong thing for the right reasons.” More softly, she added, “You’re a good person, Jason.”

“Victoria, just stop.” He started pacing the small expanse of carpet between his dresser and the bed. “You do this with everyone. You always see the best in people. But you need to see the reality.”

“And what’s the reality?”

“The reality? The reality is that you see that painting—” He stopped pacing and pointed at the butterflies still hanging over his bed. “—and you see
survivor
butterflies. You see butterflies rising up from the flames. You want to know what I see? I see a bunch of moths about to fly to their deaths, because they’re too stupid to realize the light they’re attracted to is exactly what’s going to burn them the fuck up.”

“I see,” she said softly.

He nodded. “Good.” Sighing, he gentled his tone. “On some level you must’ve already known that someone as bright and optimistic and full of hope as you would just get pulled down by someone like me.”

“You’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Nodding again, he sat back on the edge of the dresser and crossed his arms.

Obviously, he wasn’t picking up on her sarcasm. She laid it on a little thicker. “I don’t know how I ever thought I could be with a man who didn’t share my interpretation of a mediocre piece of abstract fucking art. I guess we’re lucky to have this Rorschach test for our relationship to let us know that we are
not
simpatico.
Totally
incompatible. Not gonna work. Wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture—”

“Okay, obviously, you’re not taking this conversation seriously—”

“Oh, don’t you dare.” Blood beginning to pump furiously, her previous calm disintegrated. “Don’t you dare take that mature, high-road tone of voice with me. If I’m not taking this conversation seriously, it’s because you’re not throwing anything out here except for bullshit excuses.”

Pulse thundering in her ears, she took a breath to calm herself and sat down on the bed, putting her head in her hands for a moment. She needed to think. She needed to get straight to the root of this issue and attack.

She needed to throw Preston under the bus.

Sorry, Preston. Let’s hope it’s worth it
.

“I’m not like the other women in your life, Jason.” She raised her head from her hands, speaking more calmly now. “I won’t use you. I won’t say I love you and then send you away. I won’t change my mind about you.”

Color draining from his face, he whispered hoarsely, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Preston told me about your mother. He told me about the night his father found yo—”

“No. He had no right to tell you that.”

“And he told me about how his mother changed her mind after his father died, after she’d told you she loved you.”

“This is bullshit. You think because you know some things about my past that now you know it all? You don’t know shit.”

Sinuses burning, Victoria beat back a wave of emotion. And not because he was speaking to her harshly. He could swear at her all he liked, but seeing the pain in his eyes, hearing the hurt, humiliation, and heartache in his voice? It killed her.

“You want to know what’s fucked up?” he asked, walking away from her and staring out his bedroom window. “I actually wanted to thank her sometimes. I wanted to
thank
her for drugging me out of my mind before she sold me to the men who brought her drugs.”

“Oh, Jason.” She wanted to go to him, but she wrapped her arms around her twisting stomach instead, knowing he wouldn’t accept her comfort right now.

“At least I didn’t remember it, right? I mean, maybe that was her sick twisted way of protecting me. So stupid. So fucking stupid how bad I wanted to believe she loved me.”

Biting her lip, Victoria tried to remain calm. Jason had gone someplace else, staring out the window and talking like he was talking to himself. She couldn’t let her crying bring him out of this trance. He needed to tell his story.

And she needed to hear it.

“When I was seven, I woke up one morning with a headache and a pain in a place that didn’t make any sense to me. I couldn’t remember anything from the night before, and my mother was high as a kite. Not that I knew that at the time. I just thought,
Oh, here’s nice, happy mommy again
.”

Bracing his good hand on the wall and still looking out the window, Jason continued his trancelike confessional. “She used to tell me I was such a good boy. That I deserved a treat. Chocolate cake for dinner. Sometimes it was Ho Hos or Twinkies. All laced with a little something extra to knock me out. I didn’t really understand what was happening to me during those blackouts…Not until the day I walked in on her and one of her johns and saw him going at her from behind.”

Waves of nausea rolled through Victoria’s stomach and she hugged her middle tighter. She’d give her last breath if it meant she could go back in time and undo all the wrongs that had been done to him.

“I finally understood,” he said, his voice frighteningly monotone. “I just knew. I knew what must’ve been happening during those long blackouts. And I ran away.”

Pressing her fingertips to her lips, Victoria stopped herself from speaking her thoughts out loud, still worried that any sound from her would break the truth-telling spell he was under. But someday she’d tell him how resilient he was. How brave he was to face the world on his own.

“The night Luke and his partner McCann got me out of there for good was the night my mother had a customer who didn’t care for complacent little boys. Nah, he wanted them to fight. And that’s when I knew. I knew that every time she said she loved me, it was a goddamn lie. A lie she told to get what she wanted. She gave me the drugs to make it easier on
her
, not me. And when someone wanted me awake, she was more than happy to make that happen.”

“Jason…” She cleared her throat and tried again to push words past the burning in her windpipe. “I’m so sorry…”

“Yeah, well. Now you know.” He turned away from the window and leaned back on the wall, but still didn’t look at her. “When most kids were getting back-to-school check-ups, Luke was taking me to get tested for AIDS and Hepatitis—I’m clean by the way, so don’t worry about that.”

“I wasn’t worried about that. I know you’d never put me at risk.”

Arms crossed over his chest, gaze glued to the floor, Jason remained silent.

“I’m so sorry you went through all of that. You didn’t deserve it. You…” Words failed her. What could she possibly say? She’d never fully comprehend the horrors he’d faced. All she could tell him was her truth. “Did you think telling me this would change things for me?”

He didn’t move a muscle. Didn’t look at her. Didn’t say a word. Not even a grunt.

“Because it did, Jason. Before you told me this, I didn’t think I could love you any more than I already did. But now that I know…”

She might have thought he was a statue, if not for the muscle ticking in his jaw.

“Now that I know…I realize there’s so much more about you to love. Your strength—”

“Please, just stop,” he said, his voice rough. “Every time you look at me now, this is what you’re going to think about. This ugliness. I don’t want that.”

“That’s not true. Do you think about me as a traumatized veteran every time you look at me?”

“No, but it’s not the same.”

“How is it not the same?”

“You weren’t weak. It wasn’t your…”

“Wasn’t my what? My fault?”

He didn’t confirm her guess, probably because he knew it sounded ridiculous. But that didn’t mean he didn’t still believe it deep down.

“Oh, Jason. It wasn’t your fault either. Something awful happened to you, but it doesn’t define you. It’s not who you are. It’s not what I see when I look at you.”

“Then what do you see?” He finally brought his blue eyes up to hers, his gaze boring into her, as if he was prepared to read her reaction for any trace of dishonesty.

“What do I see?” she asked, meeting his scrutiny. “Just the man I love.”

He sucked in a breath and turned back to the window.

Unable to read his expression, Victoria sat frozen on the bed. An uncomfortable space of time passed in silence, and with each second, the burning in her eyes grew stronger. She was losing this fight.

Finally, he cleared his throat. “I think you should go.”

The tears fell. Silently and fast, they fell down her cheeks and rolled down her neck, but she kept her composure as best she could, holding back the sobs and answering him in a calm, controlled voice. “No. I won’t leave you. I won’t be the one to walk out on us.”

“Then I’ll do it for you.” And with that, he was gone. Out the bedroom door, footsteps sounding down the steps, a short pause and then the opening and closing of his front door.

Victoria flopped back on the bed, letting the sobs she’d so valiantly held in check break free. In the fading twilight, she stared up at the butterfly painting on the wall. At this angle, with her vision blurred by tears, she could almost agree with Jason. Maybe it did look like moths flying toward a spectacular, fiery death.

Chapter 25

Victoria splashed some water on her face and checked her reflection in the mirror. Her first day back to work in days and instead of looking like she’d had a vacation, she looked like the living dead. And no wonder. She’d been awake all night, waiting for Jason to come to his senses and come back home.

To his own damn house.

She’d thought maybe he’d take some time to think, take a walk around the block, maybe a drive to clear his head. She’d never imagined that he’d be gone the whole night. But at six in the morning, she couldn’t wait around any longer. She was due back at work for her shift, so she’d packed her things and left.

“Yo, Russo,” Bob yelled, knocking on the women’s locker room door.

She ripped off a paper towel and dried her face then opened the door. “What’s up?”

“Chief wants to talk to you.”

“About what?”

“He didn’t say, but there’s a police officer in his office.”

The floor dropped out from her stomach and she walked quickly to the chief’s office. Was Jason here? Or was it another officer with news about Jason? Had something happened to him? Is that why he hadn’t returned home?

She knocked politely but impolitely entered before getting the go-ahead. “You wanted to see me, Chief?”

The chief sat at his desk, and a police officer in plain clothes with a badge clipped to his hip stood behind him, looking over the chief’s shoulder at some paperwork spread across the desk. Victoria recognized the officer as one of the few who’d visited Jason in the hospital.