Burned Hearts (21 page)

My heart nearly stopped. My stomach revolted, jarring me.

“Dane.” I stared up at him, every inch of me about to come apart at the seams.

“I haven't been with you, the way I should be. Not since that night the Lux blew up. And all this time, you've been tucked away. At the retreat, the estate, here.”

“Trust me, the accommodations have not been feeble or lacking any amenity.” I tried to keep us on an even keel, because I didn't want this conversation to go in the direction in which I feared it was headed.

Dane said, “You're not living a normal life, Ari. Because of me.”

“Whoa. Not this again.” I jumped to my feet and crossed to where he stood. Splaying my palms over his heavily muscled midsection, I held his intense gaze as I told him, “First of all, you once told me life's too short to settle for normal.”

He glared at me for the tactic I'd just employed.

With a small shrug, I said, “Well, it's true. That's exactly what you said. Second, you are a fantastic husband, provider, and father.”

“When I'm here.”

“Oh, hell, Dane.” I let out a long breath. Tried to explain that I understood our predicament for what it was in a reasonable light. And I had a great example when it came to that sense of family abandonment he was feeling.

“Every Service member that's ever been deployed feels something similar, I'm sure. That they've left loved ones behind to fend for themselves,” I said. “But these courageous people have a sense of duty to serve their country. They make the sacrifice to do whatever is necessary in order to get the job they're assigned done. I have immense respect for them. And for their families, who keep it all together, as best as they can, back home. You do what you have to do, no matter the situation, whether it's fighting terrorism or working with the FBI.”

“It's not just that, Ari.”

I was getting a little alarmed that he was forgoing all the terms of endearment he typically used, in lieu of sticking with my name. Even when he was deathly serious about something, he'd still call me baby or sweetheart.

Not so now.

“So what else is it?” I dared to ask. Somewhat reticent to do so. I wasn't quite sure how far the pendulum would swing with this sensitive, potentially detrimental, subject.

And that made it difficult to breathe.

He said, “We're not thinking of ourselves as parents with something to lose.”

Kyle had pointed that out to me earlier; I'd already reprimanded myself for the slight. But I reminded Dane, “Amsel wasn't even a thought in our heads when all of this started.”

“Well, he needs to be
the
thought in our heads now.”

Dane backed away and stalked over to the wet bar to pour himself a glass of scotch. He turned back and handed over a crystal tumbler for me as well, with water in it, since I was breast-feeding.

Then he said, “When I was a child, I didn't fully grasp the concept of having a bodyguard. I knew Amano stuck close by. He was family, though, so it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. He offered a paternal presence—taught me how to ride a bike, throw a punch, all those things. When I was entering my teens, that's when I started to rebel a bit.”

My brow crooked. “You?” He'd always been so stalwart and grounded. I hadn't considered that his unique circumstances of being an orphaned billionaire at just one month old might have had more adverse effects on him than not ever knowing his parents. And the imminent threat of someone wanting to get their hands on his inheritance.

He said, “I wanted to be able to do things on my own, not constantly be shadowed. At that point, obviously, I understood why it was so important for Amano to keep an eye on me, but that didn't make it any easier to digest, when most of my friends had more freedom.”

Dane's gaze locked with mine.

With a slow nod, I said, “You think I'm rebelling against all this protection?”

“I wouldn't be surprised and I sure as hell wouldn't blame you.”

I sipped, then told him, “I'll admit it's been an adjustment.”

“The thing is, Ari, I understand. Back then I got restless … and reckless.” His emerald eyes clouded with guilt.

My head cocked to the side. “And someone got hurt?”

“Mikaela.”

“Oh.” I really didn't know what else to say. Wasn't so certain I wanted to hear the details. He gave them anyway.

“When I was fifteen, I wanted my driver's permit. Like every other fifteen-year-old in the country. But Amano and Aunt Lara were against it, insisting I already had a driver. Amano.”

“I suppose you wanted a car of your own, too. Not the family limo.”

“Yes. Had it all picked out, in fact. I could afford it, obviously, so there wasn't a reason in my mind why I couldn't get my license.”

Now my gut twisted. He was delivering a very important message.

“So what happened?” I tentatively asked.

“Mikaela and I slipped out one night at her estate. Took her father's new Jag for a joyride. And I put it in a ditch.”

“Wow.” That must have wrecked more than the car. His trust with Amano. His pride. And … “What happened to Mikaela?”

“Broken nose from the passenger side air bag. There was blood everywhere.”

“Freaked the hell out of her, didn't it?” The Heidi Klum look-alike was all about appearances.

“Yes. She was very upset.”

I was sure that was putting it mildly.

“You were, too.” An easy conclusion.

“It's not exactly the kind of lesson I'd hoped to learn.”

I could grasp his frustration and his remorse. And heard precisely what he was saying to me. He knew how I felt. Because he knew me.

Still, I said, “I've always been able to come and go as I please, rarely ever telling anyone where I was off to or where I'd been when I returned. My dad was mostly on the course, and my mother was never interested in anything other than herself.”

“You're extremely independent and resourceful. I admire those traits. I wouldn't want to stifle them. That's not what I'm getting at here. The fact is…” He paused to take a long drink. Perhaps to further contemplate his stance. Then he continued. “You and I are similar in a lot of ways. I wouldn't have been able to sit on my hands, either, if I thought there was something I could do to better a situation. You knew Horton's patterns and you knew the right buttons to push—and you had
every
right to go after him, given all that he's done to you. I'm not discounting any of that. I want the bastard to pay as much as you do.
More,
Ari,” he said with conviction. “So much more.”

My eyes watered. My throat tightened.

I tried to keep my composure, difficult though it was. I knew my husband was deeply wounded by every single attack on me. His pain and regret broke my heart.

Dane swallowed down another gulp of scotch, then told me, “At the end of the day, however, we have a bigger picture than ourselves that we need to learn how to see more clearly.”

Tears tumbled down my cheeks at that crucial reminder. “I get it,” I said on a shaky breath. I heard him loud and clear. And felt the same way when it came to factoring in our son with all of this mayhem. Yet I recognized another critical variable. “There's also the matter of us.”

“We're not your typical couple.”

“Not by any stretch of the imagination.”

He swept away fat drops on my skin with his thumb. “We're going to have to strike a balance. So you're not trying to prove your value and I'm not telling you what I do and don't want you to do. I love you. I want you to have everything you desire—whatever kind of life you want.”

It was a lot to process. I'd actually seen the power struggle coming on. It was more than just about going after Wayne when Dane had told me not to. There was a lot to sift through when it came to all of this—us being separated so that I had to make decisions on my own, and Dane making his own decisions independently of me. The predicament we'd instantly been thrust into since getting together.

Everything between the two of us had happened so quickly. Meeting, falling in love, encountering danger at the Lux, getting married, losing each other, having a baby when we hadn't even fully discussed starting a family …

Now I was living in this beautiful house with my bodyguard, my best friend, our house manager, and a child. Occasionally my ghost of a husband.

Quite the whirlwind existence to experience over the course of just one year.

Swallowing down a bit more of my water, I tentatively suggested, “Maybe we ought to try a few sessions with Tamera. She's a couples counselor, in addition to being an officiant.”

He nodded. I stared curiously at him, a little surprised he agreed. And so promptly.

“Seriously? You'd consider that?”

His thumb continued to stroke my cheek. “I'll do whatever I have to in order to make you happy. To keep you here with me.”

“I'm not going anywhere,” I vehemently insisted.

“I hope you'll always feel that way.”

My heart wrenched that he'd ever doubt my conviction.

But then I recalled a time when I had left him.

So I tried to reassure him, simply saying, “Count on it.”

We gazed at each other a few moments more. I knew this wasn't wholly resolved. There was more he needed to say.

I waited patiently.

Dane's hand fell away from my face. His jaw clenched briefly again.

“You need to make amends with Amano,” he told me.

My heart constricted further. “I know. I went behind his back. He's furious, and I don't blame him.”

“That's not all, Ari.”

I easily conceded, “I put him in a difficult spot, asking him not to call you when we went to Macy's retreat, after my water broke. I didn't actually think I was about to have the baby, but it wasn't a fair situation for him. He'll do anything for me. He's already proven that. But he's loyal to you, first and foremost.”

“No, that's not the point I'm making. He isn't loyal to me above you—or Amsel,” Dane insisted. “He's committed to
all
of us. That's the way he is. He knows what's most important to me and that's what he protects. No matter what.”

“So…?” I raised a hand in surrender, this time not quite sure what he was getting at.

“Beyond turning the tables on him to try to get him to keep a secret from me, you snuck out with Kyle when Amano was with Rosa and Amsel. You have to understand how crazed that makes him—to discover you were out of his reach, out of his protection, without him even knowing about it. Ari, that's not the way the concept of a bodyguard works. And it's not how Amano operates.”

“I was with Kyle and the FBI,” I reminded Dane in my defense. “I didn't intentionally put myself in harm's way.”

My hand dropped to my side. That was a lie, wasn't it?

Kyle and I had formulated our own strategy. We'd sent Amano off with Rosa and the baby so that he wouldn't stop us.

Therefore, our actions had been premeditated.

Damn.
I had some owning up to do. This really had become a complicated family scenario.

“Look,” I said. “I'll admit it wasn't the perfect solution. Kyle and I aren't as seasoned as the rest of you, and our plans aren't always the savviest. But I will find some way to make it up to Amano. I didn't mean to upset him.”

“It's a failure on his part, Ari,” Dane told me. “That's how he sees it. Even if you were with Kyle and the FBI. Amano should have been informed of
exactly
what you were up to and he should have been able to ensure your safety. Whether that meant keeping you here or going with you, he still needed and deserved to know your intentions so that he could do his job.”

“I understand.”

“Do you?” Dane challenged.

I nodded.

His cut-emerald irises softened. “Amano genuinely cares about you.”

“I know that as well.”

“Damn it,” Dane continued. “As much as it perplexes me, Amano thinks of Kyle as part of this family, too. His new protégé. You know that grinds.”

I fought the pull at one corner of my mouth. This was hardly the appropriate time to crack a smile. But I could tell Dane was trying to not be quite so stern, so harsh. Not that he'd let Kyle and me off scot-free. I knew Dane too well. Recognized that I'd better stay on my best behavior.

What I'd do about Amano I wasn't so certain. I hated that I'd compromised his own integrity in his eyes. That he felt he'd somehow failed Dane. All of us.

I'd suspected Amano was angry with me but hadn't considered that he'd also be irritated with himself for not keeping a closer eye on me and Kyle.

Amano shouldn't have to keep a closer eye on us.

We weren't exactly the reckless types. Just this once.

Well, and that other time with the switchbacks. Though that wasn't totally our fault. Another Wayne Horton fucked-to-high-hell escapade. But he was no longer a problem for any of us.

“It won't happen again,” I swore to Dane. “And I'll speak with Amano.”

“Remember all that's at stake, Ari.”

“Yes, of course. I really am sorry. I didn't mean to make either of you worry—or piss you off. It just felt like too good a setup to let slip by. And it was.”

Even he couldn't dispute that.

Yet he did remind me in a tense tone, “This family doesn't work without you.”

I sucked in a breath. Here came the power struggle again. “It doesn't work without you, either.”

We stared at each other for endless moments. Finally, Dane nodded.

“Okay, then,” I added. Fury still oozed from him, but I surmised it had more to do with circumstance and that bigger picture he'd mentioned than what Kyle and I had done about Wayne Horton.