Cade: Fire And Ice: A Second Chance Hockey Romance (2 page)

I offered to go to the grocery store for my mom out of boredom, not helpfulness. We'd been in North Falls for a little over a week at the time and it was only just starting to sink in that it was home for the next ten months until I got drafted. I wasn't worried, really, because worry wasn't an emotion I experienced at that age, but I was disconcerted. By all of it. The smallness of the town. The way total strangers seemed to know who I was. The way they guilelessly engaged me in conversation in a way that would never have happened back in New York City. I looked down at my mother's list, written in her neat, looping handwriting.

"fresh tarragon

white wine vinegar

3 heirloom tomatoes

Ghirardelli baking bar (60%)

unsalted butter"

North Falls' dinky little grocery store had only one of those things - unsalted butter. For fresh tarragon I substituted dried, for the baking bar I bought chocolate chips, for the heirloom tomatoes I made do with the pale, rock hard variety and for the white wine vinegar, well, I had no idea what to buy instead of that. I wandered up and down the aisles in a kind of daze, wondering if my dad had accidentally driven us all into a random wormhole somewhere along the highway and we'd popped out in 1980 or thereabouts. Everything about North Falls seemed to have some kind of dulling filter placed over it, right down to the people themselves.

"Cade Parker?"

I turned around to face a middle-aged man in a John Deere baseball cap.

"Yes."

As soon as my identity was confirmed he smiled and shook my hand enthusiastically.

"Thought so. Not many boys in town as big as you. You looking forward to the season? Been training hard?"

I nodded, preparing myself for what I had already come to expect from these conversations - a grilling on how dedicated I was to Coach Hansen's program and a discourse on how lucky I was to be playing for the Ice Kings. Sometimes, they reeled off the names of former Ice Kings players who were now in the NHL. But just as the man in front of me was about to launch into his spiel someone caught my eye.

A small someone with a halo of thick, dark brown hair. It was that girl from history class - Ellie Hesketh. I don't even know why I was so eager to talk to her, but I was. She had seemed pretty eager to avoid talking to me during class, and again afterwards when I saw her by the school gates. A girl being uninterested in talking to me was so out of the ordinary that that alone was enough to pique my curiosity. There was something else, though, too. Something about her, something compelling that I couldn't quite put my finger on. She had very big, dark, almond-shaped eyes. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to know more about her.

By the time I managed to extricate myself from the conversation with the older hockey fan, she was nowhere to be found, so I kept wandering the grocery store until I spotted her in the checkout line.

"Ellie?"

She noticeably jumped when she heard me say her name and for a second I actually thought she was going to make a run for it. What the hell was this girl's deal?

"Hi."

'Hi.' That's it. I wasn't sure what else to say so I stood there for a few seconds, trying to think of something and checking out what she was buying. A loaf of bread with a bright orange '50% off!' sticker on it, some dented cans of fruit, some children's cold medicine, a few other things.

She paid with a crumpled ten dollar bill and a plastic bag of change, which she seemed hesitant to hand over.

"Ha! Had to search the sofa cushions, huh?"

As a pink flush crept up Ellie Hesketh's neck and across her pale cheeks, it dawned on me that she may actually have had to search the sofa for change and a feeling of mounting horror froze my brain.

"I mean, uh, it's not a big deal if you did. Have to search the couch, I mean. It's, um..."

I trailed off as Ellie steadfastly refused to look at me and the checkout girl cut in.

"There's not enough here for the m-"

"That's fine, no problem."

Ellie grabbed a half-gallon of milk and put it to the side, quickly snatching up her bag of groceries and the few pennies the checkout girl handed to her before practically running out of the store. Without thinking, I pulled a hundred dollar bill out of wallet and handed it over.

"I'll be right back. Put the milk on my bill, too."

Then I rushed out through the automatic doors and into the dark evening to find Ellie. She was already almost out of sight, marching stiffly across the parking lot, but I caught up easily.

"Ellie! Hey! Ellie!"

She looked up at me, her eyes searching my face, but she still didn't say a single thing. The experience of being flustered around a girl wasn't a frequent one for me but Ellie Hesketh managed to have me babbling like an idiot with a single glance - even then, even before anything had happened.

"I'm sorry if I - uh, I'm sorry about making a stupid joke. I was just joking. I mean, it wasn't, I didn't mean it as an insult."

She was so small next to me and the parking lot was so dimly lit. Was she shaking? A wild urge to pull her into my arms suddenly overtook me but I resisted, perfectly aware of how such a gesture would make things even more awkward than they already were. So I just kept blathering.

"I bought the milk for you. If you don't mind."

She stayed silent so I kept going, pouring words out of my mouth in a desperate attempt to keep her there, standing in front of me. It wasn't like me to act like that, at all. People - especially girls - usually got flustered around me, not the other way around.

"It's not - it's not charity. I don't know - I mean I'm not sure what your situation is but it's just some milk. Can't have cereal without milk, right? Wait here, OK? I'll be right back, just wait here."

Burning with acute, unfamiliar embarrassment but unwilling to let Ellie go, I ran back into the store to get my groceries, half expecting her to be gone when I got back outside. She was still there, though, right where I'd left her, stock still and disconcertingly quiet. I handed her the bag in my hand. Not just the milk, but everything I'd bought and finally she looked up at me, her eyes glistening.

Oh my God. Tears. She was crying. I was eighteen years old at the time, the product of a solid upper middle class upbringing, but also an incredibly sheltered one. Although it should have been obvious, I had no idea why Ellie Hesketh was crying and I was convinced it was because of something I'd done.

"I'm sorry. Ellie, oh shit. Are you OK? I'm sorry about my stupid joke. What's - what's going on? Did I-"

She cut me off before I could finish, her voice a whisper, thick with emotion.

"Cade?"

"Yes?"

"Please don't tell anyone at school about this."

"No, of course not, I won't say a-"

"Thank you."

And then she was gone. I stood watching her walk away, my mind racing with things I could have said or done to prevent her upset. I stayed out there for a few minutes, trying to make sense of what had just happened and convinced that I'd handled everything so badly she was never going to speak to me again. Then I walked slowly back into the store and repurchased all the items on my mother's list, the ones I'd just given to Ellie.

When I got home, my mother was horrified. Not by my lateness, and not by the fact that there was barely anything left from her hundred dollars. She didn't even notice the money. No, the real cause of her upset was the lack of fresh tarragon.

"Really, Cade?" She asked me, eyes wide. "They didn't have fresh herbs?"

"Uh, no. They had some of those basil plants in the plastic bags, but nothing else."

My mother looked over at my father, who was sitting at the kitchen table and listening to our exchange.

"James, where have you taken us?"

She was only half-serious and my dad knew it. He looked up at me, grinning.

"You see what this is doing to your mother, son? You better get drafted as soon as possible or she's going to die out here in the sticks due to lack of fresh herbs and Louboutins."

I chuckled. My dad was, like my mom, only half-joking. We'd known since I was around twelve that the NHL was a possibility but it was only within the last couple of years that it had become what it now was - destiny. I was six foot four and two-hundred and twenty pounds of muscle. I was also really, really good at playing hockey. Good enough to have scouts sniffing around by the time I was eleven, good enough for ESPN to have covered my junior career so far.

"Amazing hands for a kid his age - and a kid his size." That's what my former coach had said - it's what everyone said. Finesse and size. I was the perfect hockey package. My parents were determined to maintain control, though. I wasn't going to be sold to the first bidder. The NHL was as close to a foregone conclusion as it got, all that mattered was that I didn't go to some second-rate team for a second-rate salary. Other kids my age, boys I'd grown up with and played with, were chafing at their parents ambitions for them but not me. If anything my ambition outmatched theirs - or so I thought. All I'd done since I was a kid was eat, sleep and breathe hockey. It was all that mattered. Until Ellie Hesketh came along and crept into my heart like a tiny, bedraggled kitten.

I continued to try and avoid Cade but he wasn't the type of boy who took no for an answer. I didn't want to avoid him - quite the opposite. I had to. Maybe some part of him realized my avoidance policy wasn't entirely heartfelt? Of course, my life was difficult in so many ways he didn't understand at the time, and Katy Grebling was the least of it. I was grateful for the groceries he bought me that night, but I was also horribly ashamed. Looking anyone in the eye was difficult for me, let alone the gorgeous boy who had witnessed my poverty first-hand.

Nevertheless, he continued to sit beside me in history class, much to Katy's chagrin. As the days passed his manner changed too, at least when he spoke to me. He lost a little of his youthful bluster and started leaning in close to me, talking more quietly than I could tell he was used to. Such small gestures, and yet they mattered so much to me. One day, with Katy absent, I worked up the courage to ask him what the ubiquitous bottle of greenish-beige goo was that he seemed to have with him at all times.

He chuckled at my question and sharp little thrill ran through my body at the sound of his laughter.

"It's a protein drink."

"A protein drink?"

"Yeah. I'm on a special diet for hockey. Low carbs, high protein. You wouldn't believe how many eggs I eat."

"Does it taste good?"

I glanced at Cade as he theatrically pondered my question, almost afraid to meet his piercing blue eyes and then flushed with a strange warmth when I finally did.

"No, not really. It's supposed to be chocolate flavor but it mostly tastes like nothing. Do you want to try it?"

The word 'no' was on the tip of my tongue before I remembered Katy wasn't in class that day and decided to throw caution to the wind. Something about Cade, maybe it was just his presence, made me bolder than usual.

"Uh, sure."

I was very conscious of his eyes on me - on my lips - as I lifted the bottle to my mouth and took a small, tentative sip. It wasn't bad at all. In fact, it was pretty damned good. I took another, larger sip and then, realizing what I was doing, pulled away as my cheeks started to burn.

"Ellie, have the whole thing if you want. I don't even want it. Just don't tell Coach Hansen. He's really goddamned strict."

It took real effort not to gulp the protein drink down as fast as I could but I managed to make it last for a few minutes, desperate to conceal how hungry I was from Cade. For the rest of class I was floating on a little cloud of simple happiness. It was nothing, really. A shared drink. So why did it feel so momentous? Why was I so thrilled? It took me a long time - years - to figure out just what it had been about Cade that made me feel so good when I was with him. It was the feeling of being cared for. Of having another human being concerned for you, even in tiny, everyday ways. I knew it was something that happened, that most people experienced as normal, but I had never actually experienced it myself. Not until Cade. After class that day he took off his jacket and draped it over my shoulders.

"You look cold. Can I walk you home?"

I panicked. I wanted him to walk me home, but I didn't want him to see where I lived.

"I - uh, I...I'm not sure." I said, lamely.

"You live out by the tracks, don't you?"

I nodded and then Cade said something that gave me one of my first hints at the man he was going to become, something that surprised me in its sensitivity.

"Are you embarrassed Ellie? You don't have to be embarrassed about where you live, you know. I want to walk you home."

I let Cade walk me home, along the crumbling sidewalks of the rough side of town. We chatted the whole way. He asked me if I had any siblings.

"Yeah, I have three little brothers."

"Three? Really? How old are they?"

I told him how old my brothers were and I told him their names.

"How about you?"

"I'm an only child. So I'm their only chance at glory."

He was laughing as he said that, but I sensed something deeper going on underneath.

"Really? What do you mean you're their only chance at glory?"

Cade looked down and kicked a chunk of loose concrete over the curb, neatly sticking his foot out underneath it and kicking it back into the air before it hit the ground. He was surprisingly nimble for someone of his size and I did my best to hide the fact that his athleticism had caused a little flower of warmth to bloom in my belly.

"Oh, I don't mean it like that. My parents are great, totally supportive. They moved out here for me - for my hockey career. But sometimes I feel like they don't understand all the pressure, you know? Like, everyone says I'm supposed to be this big star someday and...what if I'm not?"

I knew Cade was in North Falls to play for the Ice Kings and I knew the Ice Kings were a big deal, but I didn't know he was explicitly tipped for stardom.

"Are you?" I started, worried that I might sound like some kind of groupie, but curious about what he'd said. "Are you supposed to be a star, I mean?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, I think so. I mean, ESPN did a big story on me and my dad gets calls every week from NHL teams. It's just, I mean, what if I don't turn out to be so good? What if I don't live up to my potential? Lots of guys don't."

I watched his face as he talked, my eyes tracing the straight, strong contours of his jawline.

"Well what if you don't? Turn out to be so good?"

Cade looked me right in the eye when I asked him that and I couldn't read his expression.

"You're the first person who's ever acknowledged that could even happen, you know."

"Am I? I don't know, it just seems like a good idea not to be counting any chickens before they hatch."

"Yeah," Cade replied, his voice rising slightly in agreement, "exactly. What if I just don't get any better than I am now? I feel like I'll be letting down so many people, including myself. I almost wish none of this hype was happening, it makes me so anxious sometimes."

We kept walking, trudging through the leaves and cigarette butts on the way to my trailer. He stayed close to me, closer than I was used to, but it felt good and right somehow. Part of me wanted to put my arm around him, to offer some small physical gesture of comfort, but I was too self-conscious, too clueless about interactions with boys.

"You should come to one of my games."

I looked up at him, half-wondering if he was joking. Inviting me to a game? An official invitation? I wondered if he realized how that would look to everyone else in North Falls. It would look like we were dating.

"Uh, really?" I asked, failing to keep a note of real surprise out of my voice.

"Yeah," he smiled, "really. What's so strange about inviting a friend to watch a hockey game?"

A friend. Of course. He wasn't from North Falls. He didn't understand how things were in very small towns. I accepted the invitation even though the word 'friend' had stung more than I expected it to. What was I thinking anyway? That the new guy - and not just any new guy, but the hot, hockey-playing, destined for the NHL new guy - would be interested in more than friendship with me? Not likely.

When we got to the trailer, Cade did his best to keep his reaction hidden but I saw it briefly, the slight look of horror on his face as he took in the scene: broken toys and car parts strewn everywhere and the tiny little trailer itself, dingy with years of grime and with no lights shining through the windows to soften the harshness of its appearance.

"Is - Ellie, is anyone home?"

I was about to answer when Baby Ben's smiling face appeared in the front window.

"Ellie! Ellie!"

His excited voice was easy to hear through the badly-fitted, single-pane windows and Cade seemed to have exactly the same thought I did.

"Doesn't it get cold in there?"

I tried to play it off. "Oh, yeah. I mean, it's not bad, we just put extra layers on, it's, um, we have a lot of blankets-"

I was cut off by the sight of Baby Ben's bare torso as he climbed onto the back of the sofa to bang excitedly on the glass. A quick flash of anger at Jacob seized me, followed immediately by guilt. Jacob was seven years old. It wasn't his responsibility to make sure his little brothers were dressed properly, it was my mom's. And my dad's, except he'd left more than two years ago and he never came back. Neither of them had any interest in parenting. Embarrassed, I turned to Cade and spoke hurriedly.

"Listen, I have to go. I'll see you in class?"

Cade was watching Baby Ben through the window but he turned back to me, shaking his head slightly.

"Yeah, class. And you're coming to the game, right? Next Friday night?"

"Yes, I'll come to the game."

I was desperate for him to leave before he saw any more of my family's trailer or more evidence of the way we lived and thankful for the darkness that was hiding the color in my cheeks. I think Cade knew it, too.

"OK. Well. Have a good night."

He hesitated for a second, as if considering hugging me. For a moment there I almost felt like he was going to kiss me, but he did neither of those things because I was already rushing into the house, too eager to escape the awkwardness to spend another second outside.

As soon as I was in the living room I spotted Jacob and David peering out the window beside Baby Ben at Cade's retreating figure.

"Is that your boyfriend?" Jacob asked, turning to me with a slightly hopeful look on his face.

"No, Jacob, it isn't my boyfriend. Where is Baby Ben's sweater?"

"Mom threw up on it, it's in the bathroom sink."

I went into the bathroom with my three little brothers trailing behind me and sure enough, there was Ben's sweater. His only sweater, soaked with watery vomit and balled up in the sink. I didn't need to ask what had happened, I just pulled my own sweatshirt off and slipped it over his head.

"He looks like he's wearing a dress!" David commented as the hem of the sweatshirt trailed along the floor.

"Shush, David. He needs to be covered up, it's too cold in here to go without clothes. Why don't you boys go play in the bedroom and I'll make some noodles for dinner?"

They disappeared down the hallway, past the bedroom where I knew my mother was passed out and I got to work on cleaning the vomit off the sweater.