Cado (26 page)

My mind sifted through my encounters of Lucian throughout my lifetimes. Things always ended bloody. He’d seduce me and when I remembered who he really was, I’d take my own life so I could be reborn again. My life as Tiffany aka Karma had been the turning point, I’d already realized that, but only now was it fully sinking in. It didn’t matter that Lucian had made sure I’d ended up in foster care, I’d been the one who’d chosen to take the dark path. I’d freely chosen to become judge and jury for those I felt deserved my attention. I was just as depraved as Lucian. If not for the apocalypse, I would have already willingly settled into a life with him. Lucian was my poison, my unavoidable destiny. Or my Karma, just as he had claimed. We were two peas in a pod—a broken and twisted matched set.

But Lucian had been highhanded in his relentless pursuit of me. It was both flattering and disturbing. I’d come to the realization that Lucian didn’t know how to love, so I supposed I could forgive him for everything, even all of his seemingly endless duplicitous games. Okay, well, every thing except not wanting to walk away from starting the apocalypse. I wasn’t sure what it all entailed, or how any of it worked, but I did know that if it wasn’t possible for him to walk away from it, Lucian would have hid behind that reason for his defense. Instead he’d flat out refused which was the cause of our battle of wills.

Lucian sat naked beside me in bed. He’d just fed me, and using more willpower than I thought any one person could possess, I resisted his sexual advances. Lucian was still astonished. I think he was hoping if he waited long enough I’d be overcome with my desire for him and I’d beg for him to take me. The longer he stayed beside me the more that became a very real possibility. Which was why I was going to piss him off so he’d leave me in peace to rot in my shackles.

“Lucian,” I purred.

He glanced at me from the corners of his eyes without turning his head. “Yes?”

“You’re right. I can’t resist you anymore.”

Lucian smirked while still staring straight ahead. “Oh?”

“Yes, but I thought maybe we could try something different this time.” He tilted his head with curiosity. I tried not to smile. “You can still look like Jacob, right? I mean—you could be him?”

Lucian’s smirk dropped into a scowl. “What game are you playing at? Why would you want to know if I could be Jacob?”

“I know. It’s just—I miss him.” A sudden wave of sorrow washed over me as I realized it was true. I knew on an intellectual level that Jacob had been Lucian, but when he’d been playing at being Jacob he’d been nicer to me. Or at least it’d felt that way. Jacob felt like a partner, and Lucian felt like he was always trying to control me.

“You can’t miss him. He was—is me. And I’m right here.”

“Even though it was for such a short time… Things just felt different between us when I thought you were Jacob. I miss the way things were. I miss feeling like it was us against the world. I thought I could trust him.”

Genuine confusion played through Lucian’s cerulean depths. “A short time? It was one night. You would choose the mere promise of a normal life over this one?”

“Yes. I would.”

Lucian’s eyes narrowed. “You didn’t love him when it wasn’t me, it was only sex between the two of you.”

It was a statement not a question but I answered anyways. “No, I didn’t love him—his soul. I loved you, but how you were with me. Not now. I hate how you’ve been treating me—how you’ve always treated me since I stopped being Nyssa.”

“Because of the apocalypse?”

“Yes.”

He growled low under his breath and disappeared without another word.

I blinked back the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes. If only Lucian could be more like how he was when he was pretending to be Jacob. Lucian and I could still punish people, but without the need of a brand new world. I didn’t want to cause some kind of Hell on Earth. I just wanted to love Lucian and to be loved by him. He wasn’t making it very easy though.

I spent what felt like several days, shackled to Lucian’s bed, locked in a war of wills with him. I wasn’t sure if I dared to hope that because the apocalypse hadn’t started yet that I maybe still had time to stop it. Lucian was more irritable every time I saw him. He dutifully saw to my needs like food, water, and bathroom, but the tension between us was off the charts. Conversation had come to a halt; both of us had nothing else to say to the other until someone broke. It wouldn’t be me.

“Does it really mean so much to you?” Lucian asked hesitantly after another meal.

“Yes.” I didn’t need to ask what he was referring to. I nibbled my bottom lip, hope flaring to life within me.

“Then I’m sorry I have to disappoint you in this. I’ll make it up to you.”

My chest tightened and my mouth went slack. “Lucian, please. You can’t.”

“It might as well be a done deal. I won’t stop it. You’ll understand one day.”

“No, I won’t,” I whispered after he was gone. “I’ll never understand.”

That night, or day, I wasn’t really sure which, after I woke up from a fitful slumber, I found my wrists and ankles had been unshackled. I wasn’t sure if Lucian had returned while I was sleeping or it had been someone else. I didn’t care. I was determined to take advantage of the opportunity to obtain my freedom. I would run…again.

My plan suddenly changed the moment my gaze landed on it—the blade I’d stolen from Mrs. McAuthor. It’s intricate detailing fairly glowed when I touched it. “How did you get here?” I murmured, almost mesmerized. I met my reflection in one of the mirrors on the wall. I knew what I had to do. Lucian had left me with no other choice.

I wasn’t sure how long I waited… minutes, hours, days? It felt like an eternity to me. My fingers began to go numb from clutching that damn blade. I silently prayed that I’d have the strength to go through with my plan.

“How did you get out of your restraints?” Lucian growled as soon as he saw me sitting on the end of the bed. He loomed over me, his face drawn into fierce lines and his midnight wings curling ominously.

“I’m not sure,” I said, tilting my head back so I could meet his gaze. “I woke up and they were just…gone.”

He narrowed his eyes at me. “Unless you’ve been praying or conjuring assistance again, then no one but me can enter this room. There’s no point in lying to me about something so trivial.”

I slid the knife out from behind me, brandishing it. “This was here too.”

Lucian’s entire body tensed, his breath caught in his throat. He gasped for air as if emerging from underwater. “No. Don’t even think about doing it again. I can’t—I can’t wait any longer.” His hand raised as if reaching for me but he didn’t make a move in my direction. “I refuse to wait for you to be reborn so we have to go through all of this again. Don’t you see—we’re inevitable. Stop fighting it—
us
.”

I smiled sadly at Lucian. “Do you think I want it to be this way? I love you—” My voice cracked. I cleared my throat and tried again, my voice softer, more fragile sounding. “I love you, Lucian. I’m not ever going to deny that again. But it doesn’t matter—it’s just not enough. You’ve become too twisted to understand, I think. You won’t walk away from the apocalypse, you won’t be content with just me.” I gripped the blade tighter, my fingers going completely white. “There’s only one way this can end.”

I plunged the blade into my sternum, the sharp steel sliding in much easier than I thought it would, the agony much worse. My mouth opened on a silent cry.

“Nooo!” Lucian roared, sweeping me up in his arms.

I laughed, the sound coming out as a wheeze. He couldn’t heal me when I didn’t want to be. That was another catch of free will. “We just aren’t meant to have a happy ending, Lucian. Maybe you’ll accept that now. I have.”

He pressed his face into my neck, cradling me tightly into his body. “This isn’t goodbye. I’ll come for you in your next life. I’ll always come for you, my Nyssa.”

I slipped my hand into his hair and tugged. He pulled away from me so I could meet his gaze. “We just were never meant to be.” I reached up to cradle his face and he turned into my palm.

“I love you. Please. You’re going to forget me again.”

“Move on. We aren’t meant to be.” I gasped for air, blood filling my lungs, I sputtered on it. Lucian pressed his lips to mine, the crimson liquid staining his beautiful mouth.

“I can’t. I can never move on.” Tears glistened in his eyes.

“I do—love you.”

He smirked despite himself. “I know.”

I was so tired and breathing was getting more difficult. My eyes fluttered shut. Lucian gripped me tighter as if he could keep me with him somehow.

I turned my thoughts skyward for the first time in a long time, a silent prayer taking up the last of my concentration. I prayed not for me but for Lucian. Nothing else mattered to me in that moment. With the last bit of strength I had left in my entire being—strength that seemed to come from nowhere, I wrenched the blade from my body and pushed it into Lucian’s heart. A startled gasp, an exhalation of breath, escaped him as his body collapsed on top of mine.

And then it all faded away…my life included.

Michael

Tavia and I looked away when Lucian and Tiffany lay dead in each other’s arms. We’d seen all we had needed to, or at least I had. “I can’t believe she actually did it. I never thought she would.”

Tavia pushed her long golden hair over her shoulders and flexed her snow-white wings. “I’m not. From the beginning Lucian’s real weakness was her, or his love for her. He could have stopped her from taking his life. I don’t think he wanted to live without her anymore. It’s very Romeo and Juliet somehow.” She paused, twirling a piece of hair around her fingers. “It makes me wonder though…” Her voice trialed off in thought.

Curiosity struck me. Tavia was a young angel and sometimes her youth enabled her to see things I didn’t anymore. I had become jaded over the years. “What do you wonder?”

“Oh, if father had planned for it to turn out like this all along?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I snapped. “That makes no sense at all.”

She turned wide blue eyes to regard me thoughtfully. “Doesn’t it? I mean, think about it. Father created angels, and he created humans. He gave us life but we all needed to learn how to live, to love. Some of us still need to learn that lesson.” She eyed my poignantly before continuing.

“Lucian was one of his favorites. Father had to have known what would happen when Lucian was spending so much time with Nyssa. I think Lucian nearly fell for her the instant he saw her. If you ask me, their souls are the ones that were meant for each other all along. But they had to go through everything they did to grow together. And now they will always be together.”

I tried to unsuccessfully stifle the very human gesture of rolling my eyes. “The idea that father wanted— Wait. Lucian was killed with one of our blades, they won’t be together at all. They—”

“What? Didn’t you hear her prayer for Lucian before she took both of their lives? And his. The first fallen actually prayed to our father again. He let himself be killed for her. They both sacrificed their lives for each other. You know father loves to reward ultimate sacrifices and selfless acts. I think what they did falls under both categories. And don’t you think father would want one of his favorite sons to be happy? That’s ridiculous? And he found a way to punish humans in the process. Just because Lucian abdicates Hell doesn’t mean another won’t take his place as ruler. Face it, Michael, Hell needs to exist just as much as Heaven does. Light and dark rely on each other. One can’t be without the other. What if father created Lucian to build Hell, and Nyssa was his reward—his reward for all the suffering he had to endure to do what he was born to do? I think you don’t give father enough credit sometimes. Personally I think he’s a big softy and has a thing for happily ever afters. Just my opinion though.” She pushed off into the sky, and disappeared quickly from view.

I remained where I was for a few more moments. A slow smile spread across my face as I thought about what Tavia had just suggested. I wasn’t sure if her theory was correct or what would be done with Lucian and Nyssa even if it was—but I had a feeling. I lifted my head back and gazed into the sky. “Well done, father, well done.”