Can't Let Go (14 page)

“You had a bit of chocolate—just there.”  He pulled his hand away, smiling warmly.  “There, all gone.” 

“I’m not sure I should trust you.”

“You can always trust me, Abigail Lewis.  I don’t care how much time goes by—if you’re married and you have ten kids—I will always be here for you.”  The sincerity was obvious in his tone—she didn’t even have to look to his eyes for confirmation.  But she did anyway. 

“I’ll remember that,”
  she
replied, her voice hardly more than a whisper. “We should probably head back, shouldn’t we?”  She asked, bringing the moment to a close.  Abby couldn’t help but be glad for it.  She’d gone through more than enough today without having to rekindle the past. 

“It is getting late.”  There was a chill in the air, summer still too far on the horizon for the air to stay warm. 

And so the decision was made.  They made their way back to the truck, both lost in thought.  It was a silent drive back—peaceful, comfortable. 
But still silent.
  The drive was short, and soon they were already
back
at the motel.

The stars shone brightly in the sky as they stood out on the balcony.  It felt strange to have to part now, Abby thought, remembering how things had been back in Boston.  How natural had today felt?  Sitting at his side, laughing with him, knowing what he was thinking with just a glimpse of his eyes? 

“For being such a horrible day, it really wasn’t all that bad,”
  Abby
said quietly.  “I’m glad you were here, Logan.”

“So am I,”
  he
replied.  They sat in silence for a few moments staring out at the stars.  “Why didn’t you tell Eric about quitting?”  Abby shrugged. 

“Because, if there’s anyone I’m rebelling against, he’s the one.  And I want to get it through his head that my career is no less important than his.”  She sighed.  “He’s always hated the fact that I work there. 

“He does seem to…have an air about him.”  Abby laughed then, the sound dancing out into the night air, sounding like music to his ears.  He’d always loved her laugh. 

“That’s one way of putting it.”

“So then…why?
  Why stay?  Why marry him?”  He knew he shouldn’t be asking this, but then again, he knew she wouldn’t answer if she didn’t want to.  She sighed quietly. 

“Honestly?”  He nodded. 
“Because he’s predictable.
  I know what’s going to happen with him.  I know our entire future.  And I know it works.”

“Because he’s from your world.”
  She said nothing and he exhaled loudly, turning away and leaning against the railing, wishing he could voice his frustration.  “You think you’ll be happy?”  He asked finally, words from her father echoing in his ears.

“Happy is a vague word, Logan.”  She sighed then, looking up at the sky.  Logan only stared, watching her pull away once more.  “I should probably head in.”

“It’s pretty late.”  Logan gave her the excuse she needed, nodding.  He stood up, turning to face her.  In the light from the moon, she was absolutely radiant.  Her golden hair hung in loose ringlets, framing her face.  Her fair green eyes were clear—free of pain and loss, free of worry and sadness.  He reached out, hesitant at first—but she didn’t back away.  He rested his hand against her cheek, running his thumb along the soft skin.  “You know, you really are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, Abby.” 

Her eyes fluttered closed for a moment.  When they opened again, the pain was back.  She stared up at him, reading everything in his eyes.  “Good night, Logan.”  She whispered, turning away and hurrying inside.  As she shut the door, she felt the tears welling up inside her, beginning at the deep ache within her chest. 

Why did he have to do this?  Why did he have to remind her of how happy she used to be?  How easy their love was?  Why did he have to break her heart time and time again?

Why couldn’t this have happened before?  Why couldn’t he have come back into her life years ago?  Why had he waited until now? 

It wasn’t fair.  Not any of it.

She longed for her best friend.  She longed to hear Hayley’s consoling voice, telling her what she should do. 

And before she knew what she was doing, she had grabbed her purse and dug through it until she found her keys.  And then she was hurrying from the motel room and jumping into her car—taking off without really knowing where she was going.

But as she pulled up in front of the familiar ranch house several moments later, she knew. 

~*~

He found her, of course.  Somehow, she knew he would.  She was sitting in their bedroom, pictures scattered all around her, tears streaming down her face.  Logan was confused—what had happened? 
Hadn’t he just said good night to her no more than two hours ago?

“Abby?”

“Are you happy, Logan?”  She asked, staring at the photo in her hands.  It had been taken sometime during their last year together—they were at a baseball game, and she was sticking her tongue out at the camera.  Logan was at her side, smiling his perfect smile. 

“What?”  He stepped further into the room, taking in her surroundings.

“Are you happy?”  She questioned again, not shifting her eyes away from what she held in her fingers.  “Do you see yourself being happy in the future?” 
Something in her voice made her sound as if she was far away, off in some distant place.

“What’s this about?”

“Because I did.”
  She wiped angrily at a tear that escaped from her eyes. 
“Just a few days ago, before all of this.
 
Before
you
came back into my life.
 I saw myself being happy.”  She chuckled softly, shaking her head.  “Happy. 
With Eric.”
  It sounded like such a joke to her now.

“Abby—”
  He
started forward once more, reaching out to her.

“Do you remember what it used to be like, Logan?” 

“Of course I do.”  His heart was pounding in his chest, almost fearful of what she might do.  She looked so shattered, sitting there, surrounded by memories.

“
We
were happy.”  She shook her head, touching her finger to the photo she held.  “I forgot how happy we used to be.”

“Why don’t we—”
  But
Abby broke in, interrupting him.

“Did you forget?”  He sighed, shaking his head though he knew she couldn’t see him.

“No, Abby.
  No.  I could never forget.”  
Abby remained quiet for several moments.
  When she spoke again, Logan felt his heart break. 

“You left me, Logan.  You remember that?”  He noticed for the first time that photos were not the only thing surrounding her—on her lap, he noticed a crumbled piece of paper.  “You left me, all alone.”

“You weren’t alone.”  He closed his eyes, willing the ache in his chest to go away.  Why was she doing this now?  After the night they’d just had? 

“Oh, Logan…yes I was.  I still am.”  She wiped at her eyes.  “You know what happened that morning after you left?”  He shook his head.  “When I woke up, I knew.  I knew what had happened.  I didn’t want to upset Hayley—not on her honeymoon.  So I took my cue from you.”  She held up the piece of paper, offering it to him, meeting his eyes for the first time since he’d arrived. 

It was a note, written in her handwriting. 
He’s gone.  I’ll be fine.  Enjoy your honeymoon.  Don’t worry about me.
  Even after six years, the tear marks were still visible.  “I don’t know why she kept it.”

“Abby—”
  And
now, he actually did reach out to her, trying to take her hand.  She jerked backward, shaking her head.

“Logan, you walked away from me.  You walked away and you never looked back.”

“Abby, would you just
listen
—”

“No!”  She cried, shaking her head.  “No, Logan!  You can’t
do
this!”  She rose to her feet, pictures scattering around.  “You can’t come back into my life and act as if it never happened.  It
did
.  And I moved
on
.”  She shook her head. 
“Just like you told me to do, Logan.
  I moved on with my life—I found someone who could give me better than what you could, just like you said.  And he loves me—”

“And so do
I
!”  She was shocked to silence, the wind momentarily knocked from her lungs.  “More than I will ever be able to express to you, Abby.  I have never
stopped
loving you.”

“You can’t
say
things like that to me!”  She was furious, throwing her hands in the air.  Who did he think he was?  Waltzing in and ruining everything she’d so carefully crafted?  “I’m
engaged
, Logan. 
Engaged.”

“You’re engaged to someone who clearly doesn’t even know who you
really
are.”  Logan shook his head, his eyes furious.  “
Eric
couldn’t even look at you in that dress—”

“That has nothing to do with anything—”
  She
shook her head angrily.  “Logan,
you
left
me
.  You can’t tell me you love me—you can’t tell me that I’m beautiful—you can’t
ask
me if I’m going to be happy!  It isn’t fair.  None of it is.”  Tears streamed down her face.  “It’s too late.”

“It’s
never
too late, Abigail.  When are you going to wake up and see that?”

“I’m wide awake, Logan.  I’m well aware of the reality I’m living in.”  She shook her head, finding his eyes and holding them.  “And
you
are not a part of it.  You can’t be.”

It was the final straw—the last of her strength. 
The last of her reserves.
  She felt her knees give—felt his arms circle around her and pull her close.  The sobs
wreaked
through her as they had just days before in this very same spot.  She cried into him, mourning not only the loss of her friends now, but the loss of the one love she’d thought would last a lifetime. 

Because she knew that this was it.  She knew that this would be their final moment—this would be her final goodbye.

She let him hold her, let him comfort her.  She was so tired—exhausted, really, to the point she could no longer go on.  And it felt right, here in his arms.  She knew he would take care of her.  She knew that Logan cared about her.  She knew it before he’d even said it.  She’d seen it there, in his eyes, as they stood on the balcony and he touched his hand to her face.

It had pained her to realize the truth.  It had hurt—because she knew, deep down, that she loved him too.

But it was too late.  It really was.  She had made her commitment to another man.  She had moved on. 

Nothing was the same now.

It was time to let go. 
Time to forget about the past.
 
Time to move on with the future.
 

A future without Blake.
 
Without Hayley.
 
Without Logan.
 

But, for tonight, she couldn’t move.  For tonight, she would just stay put—she would stay where she was and remember what it felt like to be happy.

When Abby awoke that morning, she was surprised to find that—for once, she had slept through an entire night.  The warmth that surrounded her was calming, the quiet sounds of his breathing familiar. 

But as soon as the events of the night before stirred in her memory, she pulled away, looking around the room.  “Good morning.”  His voice was always so soothing.  She looked up to find his eyes staring down at her, almost hopeful in the morning light.  “Sleep okay?”  She realized that they were in a bed—Hayley and Blake’s bed. 

“Actually…”  She couldn’t keep the shock from her voice.  “I did.”

“Good.  You needed it.”  Abby had a feeling Logan would never know quite how correct he was.  There were a great many things she needed—most of them things that only Logan could give her. 

She had spent the last four years with Eric, and never once had she felt as comfortable with him as she did with Logan.  Never had her body ached for the feel of his arms, or the sound of his voice, or even just the simplest sweeping of his gaze. 

She wasn’t aware of how much she missed him until she had seen him again. 

She sighed, extracting herself from her position in his arms.  “So—about last night—”

“Let’s just…not do this, Logan.  Let’s just save ourselves the trouble of rehashing it all over again—”

“Abby.”  She could tell by the tone of his voice that he was serious and she frowned.  He was not going to let the night before go.  “We have to talk.”

“What is there to talk about, Logan?”  She lifted herself to her feet, straightening out the dress she still wore, determined not to have this conversation.  She hadn’t meant for last night to happen—and she certainly didn’t want to relive it.  A bad combination of exhaustion and too many emotions had finally overtaken her.  “We both said things that we didn’t—”

“I meant everything.”  And she closed her eyes, a sadness filling her heart.  “I still love you, Abby.” 

How many times had she longed to hear him say those words?  How many times had she dreamed up a scenario such as this?  How many times had she imagined happiness with Logan?  “Say something.”

“What is there to say?”  The pain was obvious in her voice.  It was killing her, facing all of this.  Knowing what was going to happen.

“Tell me you love me.”  As soon as the words left his mouth, her heart broke.  She closed her eyes again so that she wouldn’t cry.

“I
can’t
.”  She kept her back to Logan, unable to face him.  She couldn’t look him in the eye, knowing she was lying—knowing that he would be able to tell.

“Why not?”
  It almost sounded as if there were tears in his voice.  She longed to look, but she couldn’t.  She just couldn’t bring herself to turn around. 

“Because I don’t.”
  Abby was surprised when she discovered that her chest hadn’t
actually
torn open as she uttered the words, feeling as if the lie had taken her own life. 

“Because I don’t, Logan.
  I’m engaged to Eric.  I’m going to marry him.”