Captivated (24 page)

“Protein.” Markus lifted the burger. “And caffeine helps you with energy for working out.” He raised the soda and took a gulp then took another chunk out of the burger.

“You caved.” I said.

“Diets are hard. I’ll get back on it after my burger.” He took another bite. “Why aren’t you sitting with Dean?” He asked through his food. “He’s finally at school again and you’re way over here.”

I looked down at the bench and poked my fingers through the holes. Shrugging my shoulders, I took an unwanted sip of water.

“What happened?” Markus asked while setting the burger down and reaching for his soda.

“He broke up with me.” I said half aloud. I glanced Dean’s way. He was sitting at his usual shady bench not even taking notice that I was only forty feet away. Shane sat on the table laughing about something. His head was cocked back exposing his neck. Dean didn’t look up at him. Strange, it never occurred to me to ask Dean about Shane. It didn’t seem like he liked being around him, but why did they always sit together at lunch? There were many questions I failed to ask him. It wasn’t like he would’ve let me ask all my questions anyway. He was a vault of secrecy.

“I’m sorry to hear that. Did he tell you why?” Markus asked.

My throat started to weld up. The knot felt like a spiky ball tearing through my throat. My eyes filled with tears. I held back the explosion of sadness. Until I felt Markus hug me. I poured out what seemed to be a life time of pain. I couldn’t talk. My tears soaked up his shirt. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. He held me against his chest and patted my head. During my sobbing, I peeked at Dean through Markus’ arm only to find that he was not looking at me. Shane was. His intent look showed concern. Something I had never seen in him before. He looked down and away after catching my gaze.

“We better get to class. Do you think you’re ready? We can ditch if you need more time.” Markus insisted.

“No.” I wiped the tears off my cheeks and dabbed my eyes with a napkin. “I’ll go to class.” I looked down at the damp napkin. There was no makeup smear on it.

“What are you smiling about?” Asked Markus.

“No makeup. I didn’t put any on today.” I pointed out.

“You look the same to me. Just a little puffy right now.” He half smiled as he stepped back to pretend to study me.

It took me back to the moment behind the waterfall. When Dean had first kissed me, he told me I didn’t need make up. I smiled at the thought. He told me that I was truly beautiful. My smile pulled down as a knot was slowly rising back up my throat. I had to swallow it down so I could hold myself together before fifth hour.

I slowly walked towards my last class, sixth hour. The class I sat next to Dean in. My nerves came about me sending tremors, shaking my entire body. I didn’t go in when I approached the door. Instead, I stood outside to wait for Markus, my walking stick for when I found myself stumbling. He never failed.

“You ready?” Asked Markus. He snuck up behind me in an attempt to scare me. I jumped up already nerve wrecked and smacked him playfully.

I took in a deep breath. A very deep breath as if I were about to emerge myself into water. I walked in behind Markus and I couldn’t help but peek over to see if Dean was there. Sure enough, he was already in his seat. He was staring straight ahead with no emotion. His eyes were dark and distant. The sparkle he used to have in them left no trace of its past existence. He was acting as if we never shared anything together.

I hesitantly sat in my desk. What I really wanted to do was bolt out of the class room. Trying to control my breathing, my eyes traveled around the room. Attempting to keep from looking at Dean was the most difficult thing I had to do. I could feel his presence tugging on me. His magnetic smell was turning my head with its invisible hands. I fought the urge, but quietly inhaled it. Doing so was a mistake. It brought back the memories of when I inhaled his shirt after discovering he was my hero. I fought to keep my composure. I straightened up and looked ahead as if nothing were bothering me. I didn’t feel his eyes on me. Not this time.

The teacher was late as usual. All the students were shifting and conversing loudly. I decided to take advantage of the noise and talk to Dean. To get some sort of explanation. I needed to know why he ended it. Why he ended me. As I slowly turned to him, my heart raced faster and faster as the seconds went by. My eyes were on him. He was leaning back and staring straight ahead.

My eyes were locked on him, trying to get his attention like two waving flags, but he just ignored me. I cleared my throat and swallowed the spike ball. “Dean?” I asked. He did not turn. He only flinched, but he remained staring straight ahead to the empty teacher’s desk. He heard me.

“Okay class!” Mrs. Jenson walked in with yet another stack of packets in her hands. “Today is going to be fun!” She enthusiastically announced. “It involves partners, reading and? Everyone?”

“Writing!” Shouted out an excited Ben. He had his hand proudly raised up high.

“Wow Benjamin. I love your enthusiasm.” She started handing out packets at the front of the room. “I will be picking your partners. Don’t start going through the packets until I do so.”

After she finished passing them out she had us flip the packet. At the bottom left corner, there was a sloppy number written. My number was eight. She had us pair up with whoever else had the same number. As luck would have it, my partner was Dean. The assignment was to read the packet together. The cover’s title was ‘Famous Poets of all Time’. Our instructions were to first read the poems out loud to each other. Then, to pick out a poem of our choosing and write a summary of what each line meant as a team.

The first poem Dean began to read was ‘Love’s Philosophy’ by Percy Bysshe Shelley. As he read it out loud, I honestly felt like the poem was directed at me. As if he picked it out himself. His soothing voice read…

The fountains mingle with the river

And the rivers with the ocean,

The winds of Heaven mix forever

With a sweet emotion;

Nothing in the world is single;

All things by a law divine

In one spirit meet and mingle.

Why not I with thine?--

I shouted in my head for him to stop reading. The words coming out of his mouth meant an invitation for togetherness. Even though he was saying those beautiful words, they weren’t directed at me and it was hurting me inside.

See the mountains kiss high Heaven

And the waves clasp on another;

No sister-flower will be forgiven

If it disdained its brother;

And the sunlight clasps the earth

And the moonbeams kiss the sea;

What is all this sweet work worth

If thou kiss not me?

Dean was very calm as he finished that last sentence. Through the whole reading he was calm. Didn’t he feel sorry for me at all? Did he really just drop me? He got tired of me. Just as other boyfriends did with flukes. That had to be it. I did nothing wrong! So what if I asked a few questions here and there. Who wouldn’t?

It was my turn to read the next poem. As I opened my mouth to read the first word of a poem I didn’t care to read the title, a horsey sound escaped me. I felt pathetic having Dean witness it. My voice finally came out in a tremble. My lips quivered out as I read the meaningless words on the page. Meaningless to me because I could not focus. I was falling down an endless pit looking up at the distant sky. Farther and farther came the distance between us. Closer and closer I was coming to death.

I was about to have a break down. The greatest meltdown in break up history. The cold started seeping back into my body. I glanced over to him, pleading with my eyes. I wasn’t sure what I was asking for, but I needed it. I needed his comfort. Anything from him. But he did not look at me. He kept his eyes on his packet. No emotions showed on his handsome face. I shouldn’t have looked at his rejection because it stabbed me in the gut. That face that used to be so bright and loving was the same as it was before we started dating. Things were back to normal with him. But he left me hanging in the balance of depression and insanity.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I jumped up out of my seat with my book bag in hand.

“I don’t feel so good.” I called out to the teacher as I fast paced out the door. I was sure Markus would cover for me and tell her a lie about how sick I’d been. The major thing I had to do was to get as far from Dean as possible before the broken pieces of my heart exploded.

I ran and I didn’t care where to. After turning through hallways and bursting through doors, I reached the benches in the front of the school and sat down to catch my breath. A cloud was passing by and covered me from the bright sun. With the shadow came a familiar face.

“Waiting for me?” Said Shane as he sat shoulder to shoulder with me. He leaned forward turning his head and smirked at me when he caught my eyes. “I know why you’re sad.” He confidently said. “You need to have a good time and no one has given that to you.”

Shane didn’t even know the half of it. I was given a good time. The best time a stupid girl could have. Then it was torn away from me from the very same person that gifted me with it. I didn’t answer Shane. I still had some regaining to do.

He stood up and positioned himself in front of me. He wasn’t as big as Dean. Shane was almost the same height, but not as thick. He had a leaner body. His faded pants weren’t too tight on him, but they were tight enough to see his form. His shirt formed over the ripples of his chest and stomach, but still left some loose room to tease an onlooker. For a moment, I felt like I was cheating on Dean by admiring Shane’s perfection. Until the reality of us not being together hit me with no mercy.

Shane smiled crookedly as he stretched out his hand towards me. His eyes piercing at me, trying to convince me that it was okay to take his hand. And so, I did. It was as if I couldn’t control my body. My brain was no longer connected to anything.
What are you doing? Why are you going with him!
Even though I was asking myself these questions, I was left with no reason. It was like I was being hypnotized.

I let Shane lead me to his car. It was a black Mitsubishi convertible with the word “Spyder” etched above one of the back lights. The windows were tinted so dark that when I tried peeking through, I couldn’t see anything on the inside.

“You need a special treat.” Shane said through his aluminous smile.

Shane opened the door for me and before I could adjust myself in my seat, he was already sitting next to me with the door shut and engine humming. He took me to an ice cream shop near my neighborhood. We sat outside under a huge umbrella to eat the ice cream. I had a banana cream shake and Shane was eating an Oreo blast. It was the only ice-cream shop in town. It was usually busy, especially after school. We were watching the different people come and go. Shane wouldn’t stop talking. He was hitting up every subject imaginable making time go by so quickly. I immediately felt comfortable around him, as if we’d been friends for years.

“I have a question for you.” I told him.

“Uh oh.” He said as he licked the ice cream off his spoon in such an inviting way.

“What’s up with you and Dean?” I asked not thinking of the consequences of talking to Dean’s friend about him. The consequences of course, being my humiliation.

“We have a unique relationship.” Shane answered.

“Do you guys always argue? Why does he always seam mad at you? You don’t have to answer me if you feel it’s not my business.” I said. “It’s just…weird.”

“Consider it a form of having to deal with each other. But let’s not talk about that loser.” I gave him a sharp look. Just because we weren’t together didn’t mean I was going to tolerate someone talking bad about him. Then he continued, “Don’t tell me you’re interested in that clown? You’re wasting your time. He’s too dull to know what to do with a girl like you.”

Shane immediately changed the subject. In fact he had many different subjects. So many different things he knew about the world. We argued back and forth about our opinions. A lot of the times he proved me wrong. For some reason, I enjoyed the challenge of trying to prove him wrong no matter what the subject was. Before we knew it, the sun was starting to go down. My half eaten ice cream was melted in its cup. Shane’s was empty. We threw away our trash and headed towards his vehicle, but he stopped in front of me before we reached it.

“Let’s walk.” He said while gleaming his convincing smile.

I couldn’t say no and I really didn’t want to. He was numbing some of the pain I had been feeling since Dean had broken up with me. I didn’t want to feel the full force of the hurt just yet. I nodded my head in agreement and walked in the direction of the neighborhood with him.

It got darker as we approached the entrance to the neighborhood. It was a windy trail that had no room for walkers. There were no sidewalks in some parts of Austin, so we had to walk on the grassy division beside the pavement. On some streets, the road was all people could walk on because of all the trees along the side were in the pathway. Shane was able to get us out of the road way long before I would notice a car. We didn’t talk for the entire walk. We just enjoyed our surroundings. It was crazy, I would always walk by this area to get to my jogging site, but I never really took it all in. There was a small river nearby and from what I could barely see; there was a bench in front of it. A gigantic tree leaned over the water, cascading to cover the calm water. On it hung a long rope that almost reached the surface. I imagined kids running on the ground towards it and leaping over the edge of the water to catch hold of the rope. I smiled at the thought.