Captured Sun (12 page)

"Hey, I just woke up, guys. I can't listen to you all at the same time. One at a time, please," I begged.

The babble of voices from my family slowed and blended into something I could follow, but sleep beckoned. My eyes never left Mathias, though he distanced himself from my family as they crowded around my bed. No matter what I did, I could not convince him to come closer so I could touch him, convince him that he was worth the risks I had taken. When Alfred joined us, the two vampires remained silent and separate, refusing to be drawn into the celebration of my awakening. Something was very wrong and I couldn't put my finger on what it was. It was obvious that neither Mathias nor Alfred would talk to me while my family was there, so I decided I had to get rid of them.

"Mom, can I have a minute to talk to Alfred and Mathias?"

"Sure, baby. We'll go pack up the hotel room and get everything ready to take you home." She kissed me and then pulled Tawnya and Kerry from the room.

Alfred watched me silently until I squirmed under his gaze. I was afraid of the distance I felt from Mathias and the cool contemplation from Alfred wasn't helping. "Thank you," he said finally.

"I think I should be thanking you, Alfred," I said, relieved to be able to grasp something normal and avoid the real issue. "You brought my family here. You've paid the bills. You didn't have to do any of that."

"I owe you far more than a few plane tickets and doctor bills, Mairin," he said. "You saved my son. You saved me. You risked not just your life, but your soul to save us. I am in your debt." Alfred's words rang with a formality that frightened me nearly as much as Mathias' distance. This was the same vampire who had confessed to hating me because his son was attached to me. He now professed himself indebted to me, but there had been no change in his overall attitude toward me. He was still angry with me. More so now than before, if that were even possible.

"I don't think I understand," I said. "Why would you be indebted to me? I did what anyone would have done. When you love, you risk, that's just how it is." Why didn't either of the vampires in the room seem capable of grasping that simple fact?

Mathias shuddered. "You risked too much, Mairin," he said sadly. "You risked becoming a monster. You should never have done that. I cannot let that happen, Mairin. I cannot let you risk your humanity for me ever again." There was a finality to Mathias' words that made me tremble. I could sense something in Mathias' words and actions that spoke to a long-term decision he wasn't sharing with me. I cursed the medications that kept me from focusing and clutched the rails of my bed in an effort to stay rooted in the present.

"Not everyone would have done what you did, Mairin," Alfred said. "You not only put your life in the hands of one of the most evil creatures to ever walk this earth, you first risked your soul by taking Mathias' venom. You would have survived Serina no matter what, his venom ensured that, but you could have been left as...as one of us." Behind Alfred, I could see Mathias shudder again. Was he really that averse to spending eternity with me?

"When Serina perished from the poison of Mathias' venom, it released her hold on every vampire she ever created. Your selfless act freed thousands, Mairin. I have never met another human who would do that for us. For any of us, let alone so many of us." Alfred looked at Mathias before turning back to me. "I know you did these things because of the love you have for my son. Thank you."

"So what happens now?" I asked. "Am I human?"

Mathias stopped pacing and glanced at Alfred. I caught the bare nod of Alfred's head and fear shot through me like lightning. I needed to know what Alfred and Mathias were hiding from me. Mathias sat on my bed, taking my hand. He lay his nose against my wrist, breathing deeply. "Very much so, my heart. Though with so much transfused blood in you, you do not smell quite right yet."

I cupped my hand over his cheek, but Mathias pulled away gently.

"So we are back to where we started," I said. Tears rose up to choke me. After everything we'd been through, we were still separated by eternity. Despite what I'd told Alfred as we raced to save Mathias, a part of me had hoped my act would have taken the ultimate decision of my immortality out of our hands. I could give up my mortal life if it meant saving Mathias, but now that I was still mortal, I knew I couldn't ask him to take it from me so I could stay with him. I couldn't ask him to harm his soul that way.

"We are back to where we started," Mathias repeated. "You are still my heart, my sun. You are still the lovely human girl whose pure heart saves my miserable soul with each breath she takes. You are still my reason for existence."

"And I will still grow old and die at your side."

"Yes," he said. "If there is a merciful God, you will grow old and grey before you die."

I realized Mathias had not said I would grow old by his side. My heart began to thunder in my chest.

"Mathias, what's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing, my heart," he said and for the first time since he'd come into my life, I was certain he lied. "You need your rest, Mairin. Alfred and I will make the travel arrangements so we can return you and your family to Highland Home as soon as the doctors release you."

"You're coming with us, right?" I asked. "You're making it sound like you're going to send me home without you."

"I need to clear up some things here before I can return to the states, Mairin," Mathias said. "The vampires you freed when Serina perished are at a loss right now. They've lived for so long under her control that many do not know how to survive without her. Alfred and I will be helping them before we return home."

"No," I said clinging to his hand. "You have to come home with me." I could feel myself beginning to hyperventilate and several alarms went off on the medical equipment surrounding me.

"Mairin, calm down." Mathias gently removed his hand and stepped back as the nurse adjusted the machines.

I started to feel fuzzy and the room began to dim. "What did you do?" I asked the nurse.

"I gave you some medication to help you rest. You can't get upset like this, young lady. It's not good for you." She gave Alfred and Mathias a stern look.

"No, please, you don't understand," I whispered. "Mathias, please. You can't leave me. Not now, not ever."

His lips touched mine and I heard him whisper, "I love you, my heart," before the blackness closed in once again.

"Alfred, I'm agreeing with you, why are you arguing with me now?" Mathias demanded. He paced the length of the bedroom which had so lately been his prison. Unconsciously he rubbed the scars on his wrists as he walked.

"I think you're making the wrong decision this time, my son. I was wrong when I told you your connection to the hum...to Mairin was not good for you."

"It doesn't really matter if my feelings for Mairin are good for me or not. Don't you see that, Alfred? They aren't good for her. She could have died. She could have," Mathias shuddered, his lips twisting in disgust, "become one of us. All because I am a part of her life. This is for her own good."

Alfred grasped Mathias' shoulder, stopping the pacing and forcing Mathias to look at him. "You are alive, my son, because she is in your life. I can never regret anything which keeps you whole."

"But that's where we differ, Alfred," Mathias said, shaking free of his father's grasp. "I can regret."

***

I didn't bother to open my eyes. I lay on the hospital bed knowing that when I opened my eyes, Mathias would already be gone. Maybe if I could go back to sleep, he would be there, waiting for me.

"Mairin?" Kerry touched my hand and I sighed. I opened my eyes, blinking in the warm sunshine pouring through the window. For the first time in my life I cursed the sun and wished for the dark. In the dark I could find Mathias. In the sun I knew he was gone.

"I'm OK, Kerr," I said softly. It was a lie, but what did lies matter when you had no soul?

"Do you need anything?" she asked. Worry had left a deep crease between her brows. It broke my heart to see my little sister in such a place.

"Some water," I said. My throat was still scratchy and dry. "Has the doctor been by yet today?"

Kerry poured water into a cup and handed it to me. "No. The nurses said probably one more day and then we can take you home."

"Oh." I wanted to ask about Mathias. Had he been here? Had he said anything about how we were going home? But I already knew he wasn't coming home with us and that he'd made the decision to leave my life. My chest ached with that thought and I must have grimaced.

"Maire, do you need more pain stuff? I can get the nurse."

"No, sis, this isn't the kind of pain that pills will fix."

She nodded. "They're sending a private plane to take us back to Highland Home," she said. Somehow she knew not to say his name. "Mom said that's one of the reasons the doctor is willing to consider letting you leave so fast. That and he's been talking to some specialist who will be taking care of you when we get home."

"I'm sorry to keep you from Xavier," I said. "It must be hard to be away from him."

"Maire, quit it," she said, anger making her voice sharp. "Stop trying to take care of everyone else. That's why you're here." She brought her hand down on the rail raised at the foot of my bed. "If you weren't always so damned determined that you could save the world, you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't have nearly died. You wouldn't have even considered what you did."

She flung herself into the chair Mathias had pretended to sleep in. "Do you have any idea how scared we were?" she demanded. "The doctors couldn't figure out why you'd managed to live with the amount of blood loss you suffered. And they didn't believe the car accident story. I think only some huge donation got them to stop asking questions. Then Mathias was tearing around like a madman, cursing you for the fool you definitely are. The nurses are petrified of him. It wasn't until the doctors could tell him for sure that your heart was beating on its own that he calmed down."

"When we got here, Mathias and Alfred fed Mom and Tawnya that bullshit story about the car wreck. Tawnya knew right away it was a lie. She could smell it, Maire. Smell what you'd done in your blood." Kerry's voice rose to just below a scream. "How could you even think to put yourself in that kind of danger? You would leave me behind for Mathias and now you're sorry you're keeping me away from my boyfriend." Tears trailed down Kerry's cheeks unchecked. "Compared to leaving me behind, being away from X doesn't mean shit."

"Kerry, please don't cry," I reached for her, furious that I couldn't just get out of the damned bed and go hug my sister. "I'm not leaving you."

"I know," she said, scrubbing the tears away with her fists as she had done as a child. "But the ends don't justify the means, Maire. You did what you did and I know you didn't know if you would come out of it OK You were willing to give up your humanity for him. He's not worth that, Maire."

"You don't know that, Kerry," I whispered. Her pain and anger had drained what little strength I had, but I had to help her understand. "What if it had been Xavier. Would you have done anything in your power to save him? Would you have been able to stand back and watch him die a horrible death when you had the power to save him?"

"Xavier would never have asked me to give up my humanity for him."

"Mathias didn't ask it of me either. Neither did Alfred." I struggled to find the words to help her understand the reasons I had done what I'd done. "She was going to let the sun take him, Kerry. The dreams I've had of the flames consuming him, that was going to be my reality. In my nightmares I couldn't stop the sun, but here I could trade my life--my humanity--for his life. I couldn't watch him die like that. And even if I had, Serina was going to take my life, and yours and Mom's and Tawnya's. Why shouldn't I have taken the chance if it meant freedom for those I love."

"Because you can't save the world, Maire," she said softly. "And because he left."

I jerked and curled down against myself, trying to keep myself whole. I knew what Kerry said was true, but hearing the words tore something vital out of my soul.

Kerry's hand on my back was warm. I felt her kiss my temple and I pulled away. "I'm sorry to hurt you, Maire, but it's the truth. He's gone. Alfred said Mathias decided to go back to California. He won't be going back to Highland Home."

"I know," I said. "He regrets loving me."

***

I sat on the deck chair, watching the waves crash into the beach. The sound was soothing and I drowsed in the late afternoon sun. The weeks of my convalescence had been exhausting. The specialist Alfred had arranged for had insisted that I stay at the hospital for a week before sending me home with physical therapists and strict instructions to take things slow. Of course my mother and Kerry took his instructions to heart. They wouldn't let me do anything and I grew stir crazy very quickly.

As soon as everyone said I could drive, I'd taken the Nova and headed for Mathias' house. I hated how my heart paused each time I turned the corner into his drive. Hated how hope choked me until I saw that the house was still closed and empty. Hated how the tears burned hot on my cheeks.

But it was at his house that I could be alone with my thoughts. I could watch the waves and listen to the ocean. I could remember happier times when he'd held me in this chair and we'd watched the sunrise together.

"Kerry told me I'd find you here," Xavier said. I screamed.

"Jeez, Xavier, you scared the hell out of me."

He held out his hands, "Sorry Maire. I wasn't trying to be sneaky. I just wanted to talk to you."

"You know, they have this cool thing called a cell phone," I said. "You should try it sometime."

"It only works when the person on the other end picks up," he snapped. "I've been calling almost every day since you got back from England. You haven't answered or called me back."

I sighed. He was right. I'd stopped answering my cell phone. I hadn't even picked up for Cecelia. I didn't know what to say to people when they asked what happened or worse, asked where Mathias was. It was easier for me to sit on this deck alone and let the days pass by. Each day I lived through brought me one day closer to the end of my pain. Time, which had once sped past so quickly, winging me toward separation from the man I loved now dragged me into its wake and left me drowning and waiting for the end.