Authors: Margery Allingham
âStill grubbing around in the 'istoric past, I see from the muck on your boots.' Mr Lugg was disposed to be conversational. âNot my period, reely, the Roman caper, togas and all that gear. If I 'ad to make a choice it would be Restoration,
what you might term the Dawn of Gracious Livin'. I could fancy meself in a wig, leather sports coat and a touch of lace at the wrists but not in a purple cotton mini-skirt and a laurel wreath.'
âI take your point.'
âExackly. I see my architects today and nice la-di-da shower they are, I might add. Trying to flog me the open plan lark. Asking me to live in a ruddy shop window so that 'alf Saltey can see if I've changed me dickey before I partake of me deep frozen ah lah cart. I give 'em my views on the subject and they looked at me like something that ought to be sent to an 'ome.'
âWas that at Nine Ash? Did you see anyone else there?'
Mr Lugg's foot brushed sharply against his shin and the big man continued, his tone becoming loud with warning. âNeo Georgian might be the ticketâin a bijou style, of course. Now what about a touch of pig's ear? Think you could keep down a pint?'
Dixie Wishart, hostess of The Demon, who had appeared behind the bar was smiling and matronly, her rather old fashioned good looks sitting oddly beneath hair that had suffered from a blue rinse giving it alarming heliotrope lights in the massed curls above her forehead. A plastic apron decorated with continental bottle labels added another luminous touch and she rustled as she moved.
âSorry, I missed you when you came in, Mr Kelsey dear. What's it going to be?'
Mr Lugg gave the order. âMy friend will take 'is restorative in your other pewter mug if it 'asn't bin knocked off by the visiting narks. And you'd better give the old 'un his usual.'
âThat's sweet of you.' She raised her voice and addressed the immobile figure in the corner. âVery kind of Mr Lugg, isn't it? Here's a drink for you, Mossy love. Don't forget your manners. Wipe your nose first and say thank you.'
A thin grey hand slipped towards the bar with accustomed if surprising agility. The red rimmed eyes flickered and the glass was raised in salutation.
âProperly kind, I'm sure. I see the Demon once when I was nobbut a boy. I say I seed the Demon. . . .'
Dixie returned to her other guests. âDon't let him go into the lectureâhe still thinks you're tourists and that's what's expected of him. He's my mascot really, poor old gentleman. Over eighty, he is. Very good for trade in the summer. Helps to sell my cakes and H.O.'s little book. I made a new batch today, if either of you fancy one for your dinner?'
âWhat's in them this time?' enquired Morty. âI smelt them when I came in.'
âSame as ever, of course, dear.' Dixie was on her dignity. âGinger and cinnamon and eggs and cream, all baked like shortbread. It's the original recipe handed down from H.O.'s grandmother. She was there, you know: she saw the Demon too.'
âSo you say,' said Morty. âAnd very good for trade. I wish I could find something more tangible than your husband's beautiful little essay in whimsy to use in my own researches. A good cook and a poet may create a legend but I'm supposed to be a historian, so where do I go for honey? Don't give me old Mossy in the corner as a reliable witness.'
âThere's nothing wrong with his memory of the past,' retorted Dixie with spirit. âIt's only today he's a bit shaky about. And if you're not more civil about my Demon I'll make him go through it again and again. Every session takes twenty minutes and costs a round of doubles, including me.'
She raised her voice again. âYou'll tell 'em, won't you, Mossy? You
did
see him, didn't you.'
The old man lifted his rheumy eyes.
âThat I did,' he said, âI seed that acomin' down the road as clear as yesterday. I see a lot of things in my time and that's the truth, so it is now. I seed the old Prince of Wales when he was a boy. I seed a Zeppelin burn up like a firework show. I seed Jonah Woodrose drink a gallon o' beer come Jubilee night when he wasn't a grown man and never draw a breath.'
He scanned the company cautiously and nodded his head.
âAnd I seed Matt Parsley alying in his own coffin what he made for my sister, the morning they found him stiff as dried seaweed. If that weren't Demon's work I never seed nothing. And I'll thank you to give me half o' mild, Mrs Wishart.'
He had undoubtedly made an effect. Their hostess cleared her throat noisily and turned on him with a swish of her apron.
âThat'll do now, Mossy. Don't you go telling tales out of school or you'll get the place a bad name. One Demon's enough in these parts and we don't want any more fancy work. Don't you listen to him, Mr Kelsey dear. He'll fill your head with rubbish.'
âOh, but that was great!' Morty was delighted. âLike old home week in the Catskill Mountains. Let him have his say.'
Dixie bristled. Two spots of angry colour in her cheeks emphasised her wrath.
âNot in my bar, he won't. He's a silly old fool and I won't have my nice little tale mixed up with a lot of dirty village scandal that's got nothing to do with it.'
Mr Lugg nudged his companion and whispered breathily, âTell you later, cock. 'Omely little news item it is, now I come to think of it. Go well with a nice plate of liver and bacon.'
The long low room was beginning to fill with its regular evening customers and from the kitchen behind the bar came the appetising crackle of cooking. Dixie Wishart rustled efficiently from barrel to counter and it was some time before Morty could make his peace with her.
âWhere's H.O. tonight?' he asked, as she paused beside him to accept a light for a cigarette. She was only partially mollified.
âDoing the chef, poor darling. He's been what he calls overhung all day, which means he had a drop too much last night. I should know. He didn't get to bed until two and snored like a pig until dawn. You'd better skip along and get the good table, the pair of you, if you want any service. The policeman
from London will be coming in later and who'll want to talk in front of him?'
The dining room at the inn led out of the saloon bar and also looked directly on to the Bowl. It was furnished in sound Victorian taste, with rounded mahogany chairs upholstered in leather that had once been red and a surprising collection of Rowlandson prints. Rainbow bright tablecloths did their best to reduce the atmosphere to that of a tea shop. Two schools of contrasting taste were also evident in the mixture of pewter and plastic which made up the salt cellars and pepper pots.
Mr Lugg devoted himself to his food with concentration and energy, only pausing for light conversation when Dixie made her appearance to produce the cheese.
âTwo loos, ladies and gents, on the ground floor, that's what I'm going after,' he remarked for her benefit. âNosh in the kitch-bath. Main lounge with fitted bar. Boodwah corner for telly. Wot more could you ask?'
âGot a name for it yet?' enquired Morty.
“S'matter of fact, I 'ave. Considering wot the rest of the place is called, I thought of calling mine “The Villa Lug 'ole”.' He sucked a tooth reflectively.
âRight. Now that she's scarpered for a bit, I'll give you the lowdown on Matt Parsley. Undertaker, carpenter and rowboats built, that's what he was and lived very convenient to the church where that big black shed is right now. Now one morning, twenty years agoâand that's a date 'is Lordship 'as been arskin' about though he won't condescend to say whyâone morning they found 'im dead as 'orsemeat and twice as ugly by all accounts, lying in one of 'is own coffins.'
âLaid out like a corpse?' Morty was incredulous.
âWell, not exackly. Shame to muck up a beautiful lump of wot you might term imagery, but the poor old worm fancier 'ad 'ad a 'eart attack, or so the doc said. Natural death, classy funeral, wreaths from the Sons of Lebanon, the British Legion, the Ladies' Guild and sorrowing family. All very ah lar. But 'e
was found 'alf in and 'alf out of a nice box of 'and finished pine, bung in the middle of the floor.'
He consumed a final morsel of cheese.
âI bin into the facts. Not with old Mossy, who's so far round the bend 'e can see 'imself coming, but with one or two that do remember. Seems like 'e goes trundling up the road to Forty Angels wiv 'is box on a barrer, late at night like wot is customary in the trade, old Mossy's sister being dead and lying there in 'er bed waiting for him. 'E never got there. Hours later 'e comes trundlin' back with 'is box still empty, runs the 'ole issue into the shop and corpses 'isself right across it. Barrer tips up, coffin slips down and there's Matt Parsley lyin' among the shavins wiv 'is 'ead in the coffin where Mossy's sis's feet 'ad orter bin. Simple, reely. 'Cept for one thing.'
âWhy did he turn back?'
âExackly. Might 'ave bin took ill on the way, o' course, but them as 'eard 'im go into the yard where there's paving and cobbles by the stabling, say 'e come 'ome on the trot. And there's another little item.'
âYes?'
â'Appened on a Monday night. Coffin wasn't due till the Tuesday. His regular mate was off duty and wasn't there to 'elp 'im with the corp, like wot 'e orter 'ave bin.'
âThat surely is strange, brother. Something must have happened between here and Forty Angels. Don't tell me he saw the Demon, had a long chat with him about what he'd been doing since 1898 and frightened himself into a fit.'
âMight 'ave, of course. Then again 'e might 'ave taken a drop too much, gorn off too soon, fell in a ditch, remembered what day of the week it was and come 'ome in such an 'urry that 'is poor old 'eart give out. That's the Official Voo, according to the doctor's 'andout. I don't go for it meself.'
âWhy not?'
â'E didn't drink, not to speak of. Particular kind of bloke by all accounts. Everything shipshape and on the dot. You know wot I reckon, mate?'
âI'd certainly like to.'
Mr Lugg swilled the last of his beer around the tankard, lifted it to his mouth and appeared to pour the contents directly from lips to stomach.
âI reckon,' he said at last, âthat if we knew the answer to that one we'd know wot this 'ole perishing shooting match is about.'
Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of Sergeant Throstle whose broad shoulders were emphasised by the Houndstooth jacket he considered appropriate for country enquiries. With him was a thin sad faced individual whose grey suit, creased and a trifle greasy, was so deliberately non-committal that it could only have belonged to a minor government official. The C.I.D. man waved to Morty and favoured him with a wink but settled himself and his companion in the farthest corner. They were talking in undertones and Mr Lugg, having made an overt effort to catch the murmur, finally turned back to Morty. The sound of a transistor beating out a history of frustrated love drifted from the bar.
âUnless old Dickybird and that other rozzer 'ave got the place bugged, which ain't likely,' he remarked, âwe're as private 'ere as a flea circus wot's gorn out of business. I've bin making researches today, looking up me contacts as you might say, and I've 'appened on a little something wot the official narks 'aven't cottoned to yet.'
âYou've been in Nine Ash all day?'
âExackly.' Mr Lugg was very pleased with himself and was savouring the moment for which he had clearly been waiting. âI come across an old pal in the Black Bull there. Not a nice class of person, reely. Name of Good, which is wot you might call sick 'umour. 'Orrible face, 'orrible nature and 'orrible record.'
He shook his head reflectively. â'Orace Good is not the article, an' that's a fact.'
âWhat does he do for a living?'
â'E's done most things in 'is time from 'ouse breaking to bookies runnin' and informing but 'e's an old man now and
'e's a sweeper. Works at the 'ospital there and does all the truly filthy jobs wot you, personally, wouldn't demean yerself with. 'E also cleans up the morgue and keeps 'is ear'oles open. 'E was there when they took a dekko at the late 'Ector Askew deceased.'
Morty leaned closer, for Mr Lugg's voice had sunk to a whisper.
âWhat was his big news?'
â'E saw the medicos fetch out the slug wot put paid to the gent on the cold table. Three eight, they said, standard type. Cupra-nickel.'
He paused for dramatic effect.
âWhat's so special about cupra-nickel?' said Morty. âI thought they were all made of the stuff. I don't get it.'
âThought you wouldn't,' said Mr Lugg with satisfaction. âAnd the corpse fanciers and busies 'aven't got the message either, from wot I can 'ear. It was made by Seligman's, an old fashioned lot that went out of business before the war. Their stuff was very classy. 'Orace spotted it quick as a flash, on account of its 'aving a point as sharp as 'is own nose and 'im 'aving seen one or two before. They 'ad a special name.'
âSuch as?'
âSuch as Silver Prince.'
Mr Lugg nodded his head. âSilver Prince, cock. A silver bullet, in fac'. And if that means anythink except James Teague, Esquire, then I'm the 'ead mistress of a Sunday school.'
MR LUGG CONCLUDED
his evening meal in the style which he considered becoming to a man of his station in life. He took coffee, smoked a small but virulent black cigar and accepted a brandy from Morty, which he diluted with a great deal of soda. Honour being satisfied he withdrew to the saloon leaving the young man alone, for Throstle and his friend had not lingered.
The dining room at The Demon was an acknowledgment to the world that the inn was also an hotel since it served as a lounge for guests between meals. Morty made a prolonged attempt to read but he was not happy. For the first time since his student days he was in love and he recognised the symptoms ruefully, rather in the mood of a parent who has to face the fact that his offspring is starting chicken pox.