Carrying Hope (22 page)

Speaking of Kevin, I checked my phone for his response.

Please, Marce. I want to be involved in my child’s life.

I swallowed a lump in my throat. Did he really mean it? Was Kevin really interested in being a part of our little family?

A few minutes ago, I would have gladly told him to get lost. I didn’t need him in my life and my baby didn’t either. But he was the father; he had rights too.

Now that my future with Bryce seemed to be unraveling before my eyes, I started to reconsider. I didn’t have to be in a relationship with Kevin for us to both be a part of the baby’s life. Hell, I didn’t even have to like the bastard.

I wiped the errant tears from my face, refusing to succumb to my own misery again. If Bryce didn’t want me in his life, I would save him the trouble of the awkward conversation. He’d rather talk to Tanner about what he wanted from me, so I wouldn’t give him the opportunity to crush me.

I penned a hasty note to each of them.

To Clara, I thanked her for her friendship and unwavering concern for me.

To Francis, I thanked him for making me feel welcome and at home.

To Bryce… I almost didn’t want to write him a note, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I left without any type of closure.

To Bryce:

Thank you for bringing me into your home and giving me so many things that I never could have dreamed I’d have. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I’m so thankful that our paths crossed, however briefly, and I will never forget you. My child deserves to know her father and we’re going to try to make things work for her sake. I hope you understand. Thank you for all of your generosity.

Love,

Marcie

I tried to keep my tears from falling, but a few escaped, smudging the ink as they did. I wiped them away, smearing the ink even more in the process. I didn’t want it to end like this. I didn’t want it to end at all. But the choice had been made for me. I folded each piece of paper and labeled them for their respective recipients and laid them on the vanity where they were sure to be found.

I wondered who would find the notes first? Clara and Francis would be back sometime in the morning, maybe they would discover I was missing before Bryce did. I didn’t expect him to come looking for me or anything. He’d gotten what he wanted. He probably would prefer that I slept in my own room.

Taking a deep breath, I pulled out my phone again and replied to Kevin.

Okay, we’ll talk
.

I stuffed a few essentials into a bag and took one last long look around my room. For the past five months, this had been my home. These people were my family. I hated that I was leaving them. I hated that I couldn’t face Bryce and hear the dreaded words fall from his lips. I just couldn’t handle another crushing blow like that. As much as I wanted to hear his explanation, I didn’t have any faith that it would be an explanation that would comfort me.

No, my brief encounter with Bryce’s way of life had come to an end. There was no need for me to dream that things could have turned out differently; that’s just not how things worked out in my life. I always knew that this whole experience was too good to be true. I’d known it from the first day when Bryce asked me to stay with him in his home. I knew that eventually it would have to come to an end. I only wished that I’d had the forethought to keep myself emotionally distanced from Bryce. Maybe that would have saved me from this ache inside me.

Feeling far braver than I had any right to, I tip-toed past Bryce’s room and peered in on my way to the stairs, wanting one last look at him before I left his life forever. I don’t know what I thought it would accomplish. Maybe I just really liked torturing myself. Maybe I hoped that he would be awake and we could talk about things before I left. But if I really wanted to talk things out, I wouldn’t be leaving in secret while he slept. He was still, his back rising and falling steadily with his soft snores. I could feel my heart shattering; the jagged shards stabbed me with the happy memories I had of this gorgeous man. If we’d met at a different time, under different circumstances, maybe things could have worked.

I really thought things were working. The bond we had felt unshakable to me. It felt like we were truly fated for one another and that was something I didn’t take lightly. But obviously, I was the only one that felt that way. Bryce thought we were “playing a game”. He didn’t realize what a sore loser I was.

I closed his door soundlessly and made my way down the stairs. I was even more thankful now that I’d given the staff the night off. If anyone else was around, I would have to dodge questions or interventions. I didn’t want anyone to stop me. Bryce backed me into a corner and my only option was to flee.

Could I really do this? Could I really leave behind the man I loved, the friends I’d made and the life I was beginning to dream about? The bag in my hand weighed a ton. A small part of me wanted to drop it, run up the stairs, and ask Bryce exactly what he meant by the words that I heard.

Another, more rational part of me, told me that whatever he said wouldn’t make me feel any better and wouldn’t make this any easier. I rested a hand on my ever-growing belly, reminding myself that I had to do what was best for my child. It was time to set aside my girlish dreams and childish fantasies of happily ever afters. This was the real world; this was my life. I had face the facts and deal with things as they were, not as I wished they would be.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, as I walked out of the front door and called myself a taxi.

Chapter 26

I woke up hours later to find that my bed was still unoccupied and the space next to me was cold. I frowned, having expected Marcie to rejoin me in bed, I’d drifted off to sleep without waiting for her to return. Her sweet floral scent still infused the pillow where she’d slept. I couldn’t help the self-satisfied smile that spread across my face when I remembered her expression of ecstasy, her moans of pleasure, her delightful little tremors as wave after wave of bliss crashed through her. It filled me with an age-old feeling of male pride; she was mine now. And before the end of the day, I would make it official.

I needed to get everything prepared; I wanted to make this proposal magical and unforgettable. I wanted to make it impossible for her to say no.

I almost didn’t want to dream about the day that Marcie would become my wife. It seemed too good to be true. Surely, no one as beautiful and loving and kind as Marcie could ever want someone as broken as me. I knew I was the luckiest son of a bitch in the world for even getting to think about having her. To be lucky enough to have her heart on top of it all was only icing on the cake. I was going to make sure that Marcie knew how much I loved her and never ever doubted it for as long as we both lived. She deserved everything in the world and I was going to be the one to give it to her.

Something in the back of my brain told me that I should be worried that she wasn’t in bed with me. I pushed that away. She was probably making breakfast or showering or something innocent. There was no reason for me to worry. But still, I couldn’t remember her ever coming back to bed and a kernel of doubt formed in my head.

With a big yawn and an even bigger stretch, I pulled myself out of bed and went off to find her, determined to kiss her senseless and then drag her back into my bed for a repeat of the previous night.

I searched all of the usual spots; the kitchen, the den, the garden and finally her bedroom. I looked everywhere for her, but didn’t see her anywhere. Every new room I looked in, my heart sank a little further. But there had to be an explanation right? Maybe she went into town to get something we needed. Maybe she was busy working on another surprise for me. It seemed plausible to me. When I got to her room, something felt off about it. I couldn’t quite place my finger on the problem, but something was definitely not right.  Without Marcie’s sunny presence, nothing in the house felt right.

I ventured further into her room and then I spotted the three letters on her desk. My heart fell through the floor and I rushed to pick up the letter with my name on it, a feeling of dread settling in the pit of my stomach.

My hands shook uncontrollably as I unfolded the paper with her neat flowing handwriting. In my head I pleaded with whatever cosmic entity was out there. Whether it be a deity, an alien overlord, or just empty space I was talking to. I begged and pleaded that my worst fears weren’t going to be realized when I read this letter.

I knew before I even started to read it though. I knew she left me. I didn’t know why; I couldn’t imagine why, but I knew deep down inside of me that it had been too good to last.

As I read through her note, searching for an answer, a crippling emptiness flooded me. She was gone. I knew that I could never be worthy of someone as perfect as Marcie. I could never do enough good things in my life to deserve the warm-hearted angel that saved me that in that dark alley. I should have known better than to think that something so wonderful could happen to me. Throughout my entire life, the people I cared about were just ripped away from me. If nothing else, experience should have told me that this glorious time with Marcie couldn’t last.

I dropped the tear-stained letter to the floor, my emotions warring between crushing despair and white-hot fury. What did I do that made her want to leave? She left no clues in her letter other than wanting her baby to have a father. Why couldn’t I have been that father? I would have gladly accepted Marcie as my wife and her child as my own. Hell, I’d already contacted my decorator about designing a nursery as a surprise for Marcie. Now what was I supposed to do? With no Marcie and no baby, my future looked bleak and meaningless.

My mind raced with poorly thought-out plans of tracking her down and convincing her that she belonged with me. I didn’t even know where she’d gone. I was no good at finding people, that was Tanner’s specialty.

I had to ask Tanner for his help. I dreaded hearing the snide satisfaction in his tone that would clearly say “I told you so” more than any words he would utter. He tried to warn me against Marcie and I didn’t listen. Now I was left alone, heart-broken and destroyed. But I wasn’t going to let that last.

I couldn’t just sit by and let her destroy the wonderful thing that we had together. She couldn’t deny our connection, our chemistry, or our passion. I didn’t know what had made her change her mind about us, but I was going to change it back.

I dialed his number, trying to push back the wave of nausea that flooded through me.

“What are you calling me for, shouldn’t you be banging your lady?” Tanner answered.

He didn’t know any better. He didn’t know that his words were like a knife straight to my heart. I hoped that my voice wouldn’t break when I spoke.

“She’s gone.” The sound that came from my mouth was not my voice. It was strangled, too-calm, and detached. I could almost picture Tanner’s facial reaction. I could see his wide smile falling from his face, the dimples in his cheeks disappearing and his amber eyes turning dark.

“What?” He asked, startled. Whatever he thought I was calling for, this was the last thing he expected.

I left Marcie’s room, unable to share the same space that she’d occupied for so many months. Everything in that room reminded me of her. It smelled like Marcie and her small homey touches were everywhere. I closed the door behind me and locked it. There was no way I could ever go in there again. Not until Marcie was back in my arms.

I fought back my tears, refusing to give in to my despair.

“She’s gone, Tan. She left me.”

I needed to hurt someone or break something. I needed an outlet for all of the pain that was overwhelming me. I was still in shock, still unable to believe that I could go from blissfully happy to completely destroyed in the blink of an eye.

“Don’t do anything! I’ll be right there.”

He hung up the call before I was able to tell him not to bother. I didn’t really want to deal with Tanner — or anyone else for that matter — right now. I just wanted to find a way to bring Marcie back. To mend whatever was broken and to start our lives together the way I envisioned.

My feet carried me to my office without instructions from my brain. The next thing I knew, the bottle of scotch was in my hand and I was looking around for a glass. Not finding any, I resigned myself to swigging the dastardly liquid straight from the bottle. It burned a blazing path to my stomach, but it didn’t even really register.