Casa Parisi (3 page)

LATE THE NEXT morning, Lucia sat at another bar, the one in the restored barn that served as the main tourist building at her winery, Casa Parisi Vineyards. As she sat there she observed her brother Luke as he performed his customary preparations for their twelve noon opening. Although she had seen him carry out the identical routine many times before, she found his predictable actions soothing. Luke was her only sibling and she loved him dearly. Older than her by three years, he was a towering teddy bear of a man with a soft heart. Like many other brawny men he was sure of himself and felt no need to prove his strength or masculinity. Everyone, and she was no exception, was drawn to his charismatic personality.

He whistled softly to himself as he uncorked several bottles of each type of wine featured on their tasting list. He left the wines that were best served at room temperature on the bar and placed the wines that tasted better chilled in the wine refrigerator at the far end of the bar. With a damp cloth he wiped any stray wine drops from the surface of the bar and dried it with a clean towel. From one end of the bar to the other he positioned six wooden bowls at equal intervals. Then he filled them with large oyster crackers the wine tasters would munch on to clear their palates between samples.

Behind Luke, through the floor-to-ceiling windows, Lucia could see the neat rows of grapevines as they sloped down the hill toward Cayuga Lake. The lake's surface was as smooth as a blue mirror and it sparkled as it reflected the bright sunlight. Mother Nature had blessed them with a spectacular day, a day that produced the beginning of a smile in the corners of Lucia's mouth. Every vista from her winery was breathtaking and even in her hung-over state the scene before her lifted her spirits.

The winery, along with its extensive vineyards, occupied a large tract of land on the west side of Cayuga Lake, the largest of the eleven finger-shaped lakes located in central New York State. The lakes were once ancient rivers until the glaciers advanced from the north. Like half-mile thick ice chisels, they dug deeper and deeper into the river beds to form the staggeringly deep, long, and narrow chasms. When the last glaciers gouged their way through, they deposited massive quantities of rocks at the southern ends of the river beds, sealing them off forever. And when the glaciers melted they filled the chasms with water forming the lakes.

A Sunday afternoon this beautiful would surely draw people in. They loved to drive around the lakes, have brunch or lunch, browse in the gift shops and sample wines at the wineries. A number of the Finger Lakes had wineries scattered along their shores, but the highest concentrations were located between the two largest and longest lakes, Cayuga and Seneca, the one to the west of Cayuga. That fact made it easy for people from the nearby cities to visit most of them in a single day trip.

Luke grabbed a stack of napkins from underneath the bar and carried them to where Lucia sat. He piled them in front of her and paused as if taking an extra close look at her. "I thought you'd be here earlier. Did you have a bad night?"

Lucia rubbed her eyes and massaged her aching temples. Knowing he had indirectly been referring to her habit of drinking on Saturday nights irritated her. He meant well, she knew that, but she had to say something. "Everyone has their jobs to do around here and I certainly don't have to explain to you or anyone else what time I get here or even if I get here at all. Now do I?" Her last three words were drawn out and emphasized with a glaring stare.

"No, you don't." Luke's jaw was set as he divided the napkins into three piles.

Lucia instantly felt remorseful. She had upset her brother with her harsh words and angry stares once too often and she always hated doing it. He'd been so good to her and he didn't deserve a tongue-lashing every time he said something that hit a nerve.

"I've got a wicked headache," she told him. "Do you have any Tylenol behind the bar?"

Luke produced a bottle and set it in front of her without making eye contact. "How many do you want?'"

"I need about twenty, but I'll settle for three."

Luke tapped the pills into Lucia's hand. "Here you go."

"Thanks." Lucia washed the pills down with the entire glass of water Luke had given her. She felt Luke's eyes on her.

"I'm concerned about you," Luke said. "I hope you know that."

Lucia lifted her eyes to his. "I had a bad night and I didn't get a whole lot of sleep." A few hours of sex with the young woman she'd picked up at Georgie's had only given her a fleeting respite from her misery. After she dropped the woman off at the bar and drove herself home, the anguish that had sent her to the bar in the first place attacked all over again with a renewed vehemence. Half a glass of straight vodka provided no relief and only when a hint of light peeked over the lake did she fall into a fitful sleep. It hadn't been enough to revive her physically or mentally and it certainly didn't restore what little stability she clung to on a daily basis.

"I thought that was the problem. You've got circles under your eyes and you're not in a very good mood."

"How right you are about both." Lucia stole a few crackers from the bar.

"You haven't eaten a thing this morning, have you?"

"My stomach's messed up. Maybe I'll eat later."

"You were out drinking last night."

"Right again, Luke." She had to exert considerable effort to hold her tongue. He was annoying when he hovered over her like a mother hen. "Do you have more questions? Get them all out now while you have the chance."

"Just one." Luke leaned his elbows on the bar in front of her.

With tightly closed lips, Lucia braced herself for a lecture.

"How long are you going to keep on drinking like this whenever you have a bad week or a bad day or a bad night?"

"Why should you give a shit, Luke?" There I go again, she thought. She didn't tell her brother that she'd had a dream about Devin. They were lying in bed holding each other and as she woke up she could actually feel Devin in her arms. The first time she'd slept with Devin and held her against her body she knew with total certainty that was where she always wanted to be at the end of every day. Now she ached because of the loss of it.

"Now, you know damn well I care and you know you want me to, so stop talking like a smartass. This is the third time this week you've been hung-over and if you keep it up you're going to make yourself sick. I, for one, am not willing to stand around and let that happen."

"I don't care if I get sick. Sometimes it hurts too much to be sober."

Luke gazed steadily into his sister's eyes. "It's more than sometimes."

"It hurts to be sober almost every day, okay? Is that closer to the truth?" What could she say? He was right. It was definitely a lot more than sometimes.

"Maybe I worry about you too much, but I don't know what else to do. It kills me to stand by and watch you fall apart when you get one of these bad spells."

"I don't mean to cause you grief."

"This isn't about me. It's about you," Luke reminded her.

"I know. Believe me, I know."

"You also know I'm always here for you, don't you?" As if Luke sensed he might have been pushing too much, his face softened as well as his tone.

Lucia nodded her answer. She wished his simple reassurances were enough to make her heal once and for all so these episodes would come to an end.

"It wasn't your fault, you know," Luke said.

"That's what you always tell me, but--" Lucia didn't bother to finish her thoughts. No matter how often Luke spoke those words, no matter how many times she repeated them to herself, like a prayer or a mantra, they were still only words. She never derived any lasting benefits from hearing them or saying them. It was an irrefutable fact that she didn't cause the car accident that had ended the life of her partner, Devin. She was neither there nor was she driving the car that had hit Devin's car. Still, she felt responsible for the chain of events that had led to the death of the woman she loved.

Misfortune had dealt her a nasty blow, had severed her from everything that made up the sum and substance of her life. The blow had been swift, incisive, and had left her with a deep wound she was convinced would never heal. Those who cared had tried to remind her that the pain would pass and to some degree it had. But despite their kind words and well-meaning advice, she remained tormented by the things she couldn't reconcile.

Death, an incomprehensible and merciless concept, was tough to grasp and no matter how hard she tried she was unable to come to grips with the fact that an adorable woman like Devin could have been in this world one second and gone the next. She was gone as fast as snapping your fingers or slamming a door in someone's face or squashing a spider with the sole of your shoe.

Luke put his hand on top of hers. "But what?"

"But I can't believe it." Lucia lowered her eyes and shook her head. "I can't." It was her fault she'd lost the most important person in her life. Her actions and words had set in motion the series of events that had led to Devin's accident. She didn't doubt for a minute that she'd made it happen one way or the other and she wondered how she would ever be able to forgive herself. When she learned of Devin's death she went numb all over. She fell to her knees and couldn't breathe. The first thought that came into her head, the only thought, was that it should have been her.

"I know you blame yourself," Luke said. "But you need to accept that whatever you did wasn't what caused the accident and you need to find a way to forgive yourself."

"I know, Luke, but I can't."

"You have to if you're going to get on with your life."

She looked up at him. "Ever since the accident, I've had my ups and downs. After I got through that horrible first year I started to have longer and longer periods when I felt better. But I still have times when I fall into a bottomless pit and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I can't seem to find a way out."

"Tell me how to help you."

"Don't you get it? It should have been me. It should have been me that died, not her. I was supposed to pick up that fucking cake." Lucia pounded her fist on the bar several times. "Fuck that fucking cake!"

Luke took his sister's hand and held it. "That doesn't change the fact that it wasn't your fault. It was a freak accident. She could have gone to get that cake and come home safely. Why can't you accept that?"

"I want to. You don't know how much."

"I'm not going to tell you I'm sorry it wasn't you instead of Devin. I loved her like a second sister, but I also love you and I'm glad you're still here with us." He paused as if he wanted to give his words a chance to sink in.

"It hurts to be here without her."

"God, Lucia, I'm sure it does, but you are here and you need to get past this. Maybe you should get some help, talk to a professional."

She shoved his hands away. "Give up on that idea, will you please? I don't want to talk to a stranger. I've thought about it and I've decided I don't need any help."

"Okay, okay. Sorry I brought it up."

"Well, don't bring it up anymore. I can handle my problems myself." Although she'd never admit it to her family, Lucia knew she should have gone for grief counseling a long time ago. Everyone had suggested it at one time or another, but she had stubbornly stood by her refusal to go. She simply could not bear to talk about Devin to some doctor or try to describe how much she had meant to her. She might die if she was forced to remember how warm and soft Devin's mouth was, how sweet she smelled or the way her silky skin felt under her hands.

Luke was silent as he wiped the entire length of the bar despite having done it earlier. When he finished he came back. "Forget I even suggested it. Why don't you take the day off, go home, and get some rest? We'll be okay without you."

"I think it would help me more if I stayed here with you. Being alone is intolerable when I get this way and if I don't keep busy I might go mad." She tried to smile, but her efforts felt insincere, even to her.

"All right, if you think that's the best thing for you."

"I do. Being around you keeps me sane."

"I wish you'd tell my wife that the next time you see her."

This time Lucia did smile and it was genuine. "I'll be sure to do that, although I can't guarantee she'll agree with me on that point."

Luke smiled back. "She won't. How about some coffee?"

"I'd love some. The caffeine might help my headache."

"Luke poured her a mug and fixed it the way she liked it.

"Thanks." Lucia took her first sip. "God, that's good."

"Hold on there," Luke said as he brought a bakery box out from beneath the bar and handed her a glazed donut. "Have one of these. I bought them on the way in."

"God bless you." Lucia took a big bite and chewed it.

"It's not the healthiest breakfast, but you have to eat something."

"This will do for now. I'll have a sandwich later on." The donut made Lucia realize how hungry she was. "These may not be healthy, but they sure are good."

"I know. They're too good. We're going to have a lot of people today. I feel it in my bones." Luke pointed to the windows. "Look at that day out there. It's perfect."

"So it is. If I didn't know better, a day like this might almost make me believe that the world is a beautiful place." Lucia finished the last of her donut and washed it down with more coffee. The strong liquid had begun to infuse her system with a much needed dose of energy.

"The world
is
a beautiful place. You'll think so again someday."

"I hope you're right." Lucia wiped her sticky fingers on a napkin. "Let me work the tasting bar this afternoon. It will keep my mind occupied."

"Whatever you want to do."

"Who's coming in today?" she asked.

"Kim and Rob," Luke answered. "Kim will handle the gift shop as usual and when Rob comes in he can help you and work the register."

"What about you?"

"Since you're going to be here for a while, I'd like to work in the vineyards for a couple of hours and then do some inventory in one of the storage buildings for maybe another hour. Is that okay with you?"