Catch My Fall (18 page)

“I don’t know!”

“You could go talk to him?” Jackie suggested. My stomach tightened. The nerves I felt at the thought of his company had gone from butterflies, to badgers, to the eruption of Mount Vesuvius, bubbling with a violent heat deep in my gut. The thought of being met with disdain, or worse, dislike when I set foot in Stellan’s presence was as painful as a shot of rye on an empty stomach. How do I make up for this?

I nodded, finally.

We made our way into the store, and the mood instantly changed.

Meghan was rampaging around the store, collecting costumes and pointing out options she absolutely demanded I try on. I laughed, accepting her challenge of putting on the Tina Turner costume.

Meghan smiled at me. “You seem a little brighter? My winning personality cheering you up?” Meghan asked.

I shrugged. “This is me ‘trying.’”

“Good for you, honey!”

“Fake it til you make it! That’s what they always say, right?” Jackie asked, beaming with a Morticia Addams dress in her hands.

I raised an eyebrow. “I’m not sure. Who is
they
, exactly?”

Meghan pointed at me. “There’s the sarcastic bitch I know and love.”

I shook my head. “Strange that being called a bitch is supposed to put a smile on my face.”

“Hell yeah, it is. Now where the fuck is the sales guy?”

The line outside the changing rooms was four or five people deep, and there was no one in sight, there or near the registers. Meghan’s assertive was threatening to come out hard.

Jackie stifled at the language, Meghan having spoken at a volume for sharing. “Meg, quiet down.”

“What? Everyone else here is thinking the same fucking thing, hon. Let’s be real.”

“She’s just spreading joy, Jackie. It’s her super power.”

Meghan laughed. “Fuck you, Faye. You’ve been hanging out with Stellan way too much. He’s rubbing off.”

I chuckled softly to myself. Were either of them telepathic, they’d have heard my commentary on
Stellan
and
rubbing off
. Meghan waved deliberately in the air, calling attention to the sales clerk as he appeared from the back room.

Jackie touched my arm. “What’s on
your
mind, missy?”

I looked away, covering my smile.

“Jesus, you’d think retail was fucking rocket science based on that guy. So what are you two talking about?”

Jackie changed the subject to Halloween. Evan’s party was just a few days away, and until we veered into the parking lot of the Halloween Superstore, I’d almost completely forgotten. I knew full well that I would be concocting something from my closet if I did decide to go.

Meghan burst out of the changing room in her first costume choice – Wonder Woman.

“God damn, Meghan. You’ve got some nice legs!” I said, my eyebrows raised in approval.

She smiled. “Hell yeah.” She glanced down, framing her crotch with her thumbs and forefingers. “Gonna need a wax first, sweet Jesus.”

Both I and a random guy started laughing at this declaration. Clearly Meghan didn’t care who knew the state of her pubic region.

Jackie explained that she was freshly shorn, and I shuddered in my seat.

“I’d never let some overzealous woman with tweezers go near my – regions.”

Meghan and Jackie both turned to me with looks of patient disdain.

“It’s not that bad. It’s a lot easier than doing it at home,” Jackie said.

Meghan picked her next costume choice from the massive pile. “You’d love it.”

I waved my hands before me. “No, and no. The thought of ripping, and - or yanking anything in that region is just – Christ, no. I’m all set.”

Both Meghan and Jackie stared at me a moment, Meghan’s lips parted just enough to show disgust. “Wait, do you not wax?”

To hear her, one would think I’d just told Meghan I don’t brush my teeth or use toilet paper. I shook my head.

“Then, do you shave?” Jackie asked. I was being tag-teamed on the subject of my nether regions. Fantastic public space conversation, if you ask me.

I shrugged. “If I’m inclined to do anything in that region, really.”

“Oh, hell no!” Meghan was up in arms like an Evangelical wife in the face of Satan worship.

“What? It’s not like anyone is making the rounds to keep me honest in that department.”

“But you don’t do it for ‘the guy,’ Faye!”

I laughed. “Then why would anyone do it?”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Meghan said, talking over her shoulder as though she were involving the rest of the room.

Jackie leaned in. “Well, if you want to wear a bathing suit or -”

“Nonononono, don’t try to reason with this woman. She’s far past it,” Meghan said. She glared at me. “What if you want to abuse yourself? Don’t you have standards of lawn care, I mean seriously?”

Jackie and I glanced at one another before I shrugged. “I haven’t really been in the right – I don’t know – state of mind, I guess.”

Meghan planted her hands on her hips, and she was more than a little foreboding in her superhero getup. “You’re not in the right state of mind, because you’re not taking care of business. Take care of business, mind will follow.”

Jackie glanced at me with a hint of reluctant agreement. Was I seriously being ordered to shave my hoohah and masturbate by my friends? Is this really my life? This was the greatest ‘girl’s outing’ of all time.

That was sarcasm, in case you missed it.

“I haven’t had the motivation to even do laundry in the past two months. You think I’m going to magically -”

“We’re not talking about it. It’s decided.”

I glanced at Jackie for help. “What’s decided?”

“Well, to start with, we’re buying you some wax.”

“Oh no, that doesn’t need to happen.”

“Don’t argue. This isn’t Europe. We have fucking
standards
, thank you. Next thing you’ll tell me you haven’t shaved your pits.”

I didn’t speak.

“Oh sweet Jesus. No wonder you’re not in the right state of mind! Who can think about sex with hairy pits?”

I scoffed loud enough for the gentleman by the last changing room to glance, curiously. “France does all right.”

“It really is kind of nice, the way it feels after – you know – all smooth and clean. Kevin likes wax day because I’m always in the mood after,” Jackie said, making a point to keep her voice down.

Meghan glared at her. “When are you not in the mood? You’re a housewife whore.”

I laughed heartily, though Jackie quickly smacked Meghan’s arm.

I shook my head. “You’re both bat shit insane, you know that right?”

“No, we’re right. You do it once, you’ll understand.”

“Ha! Can we put money on that, cause I could seriously use the dough?”

“No, but I
will
buy you the wax.”

With that Meghan disappeared back into the changing room.

I turned to Jackie, half whispering. “Should I be scared, here?”

Jackie smiled. “Looks that way.”

“I’ve clearly offended the crotch gods.”

Jackie laughed.

We sat there watching Meghan try on every plus-size costume in the place. Jackie had already chosen her Little Red Riding Hood costume within the first ten minutes. She’d snagged a Big, Bad Wolf for Kevin, as well. Meghan tried on everything from Batgirl to Bank robber, but when she appeared as a German Beer Maid, I practically jumped out of my seat.

“And oddly enough, I already have the jugs for this one,” she said, groping her chest. I wasn’t the only one in the store laughing with her. I imagined her jostling mugs all over Evan’s multimillion dollar home with a fake German accent and demanded she buy it.

We spent a good two hours in that changing room. I kept glancing at my phone, hoping for a response to any of the many texts I’d sent Stellan. I’d drawn, I’d worked, I’d scheduled my interview with Dennis Shay for that Thursday, and I wanted to share these things with him. His absence was a palpable thing and even two of my best friends couldn’t fill the void his absence created.

Jesus, how had I gone ten years without daily interaction.

I snorted softly at the thought.
You weren’t dreaming of his bum then, Faye
.

When Meghan was back in her dressing room, Jackie leaned into me to speak. She kept her voice low, unlike Meghan.

“Imagine if Stellan hadn’t told you about his dad’s heart attack.”

“That’s not the same. I love Stellan’s dad.”

“And Stellan loves you.”

The sound of the words swirled in my chest, casting light wherever they traveled. “It’s not the same.”

Jackie tilted her head from side to side as she thought. “They’re both events that changed your lives. How would you feel if he had kept that from you?”

“I just changed my major – his dad nearly died!”

She rolled her eyes at me. “Faye! He isn’t upset about your freaking major.”

I didn’t want to acknowledge how devastated I would be if Stellan kept something from me. I didn’t want to consider how troubled my mother would be knowing my father had tracked me down or more importantly, that the conversation caused an psychological upheaval that threw my entire life in a different direction. Even if I told her about his declarations of clean living, of AA meetings and getting his life together, she might have still lost sleep. I kept it from them to spare them worry. Or maybe, I kept it from them to avoid explaining myself.

By the time we climbed into the car to head home, I’d made the decision to hunt Stellan down. It was Tuesday evening again. I knew where to find him. I took a breath and texted him from the backseat -

Do you still want me to come to class tonight?

After a few moments, my phone buzzed to life. I nearly jumped out of my skin.

Sure. That’d be great. Thanks.

Jackie smiled back at me to hear he’d responded, but I knew Stellan. This wasn’t how Stellan spoke to me. This was cordial, ‘I’m merely tolerating you’ Stellan. I sat silently in the backseat as my companions sang along to Lady Gaga, dreading with each passing mile the evening ahead of me.

I arrived at the dojo just a few minutes early, clad in the same uniform that Stellan had sent me home with last time. Yes, I washed it. I arrived to the other students milling around the front hallway, Daniel being the only one past the arched door. Stellan was nowhere to be seen. I stood at the back of the room, almost afraid to move past the main entrance. It was as though I could feel Stellan in the air, feel him unhappy with me. I did my best not to sigh openly as Candyce approached.

“Couldn’t stay away either, I see?” She asked, giving me an eyebrow wiggle.

I nodded, letting the small talk go to the subject of Stellan, his being handsome, how long I’ve been taking classes, and as a result of my answer, how long Stellan and I have been friends. Before I could answer her, a figure appeared. He glanced over, caught sight of me and quickly turned for the dojo, hollering for everyone to line up. Candyce hurried ahead of me, and I tossed my gym bag into the girl’s dressing room before taking my place.

Stellan stood at the front of the room, said something in Japanese, and the room took to their breathing exercises. I did as I was told, feeling taut in his presence, as though some wire had been hung between us and someone was attaching the red end of jumper cables.

When his eyes passed over me, it was as though I wasn’t there. My chest deflated, and the strength in my legs quickly diminished, but still I held my stance, letting the burn of my leg muscles be my punishment. When this part of class was done, he ordered everyone to run around the room, stopping with each lap to do pushups or jumping jacks or some other torture of the human body. Candyce had trouble the first time through, and Stellan took a moment with her. I glanced their way and again, Stellan’s eyes seemed to look right through me. I felt moisture at my hairline, my breathing heavy, but I hardly felt it over the tightness in my stomach. I caught myself glancing at Stellan every few seconds, just waiting to meet his gaze. We finished laps and were broken into groups for punches. He paired Candyce with Daniel and sent the new kid off with another older student. I stood in the lineup, unpaired, and watched Stellan tell Daniel to head up the class before marching out of the dojo and into his office. Daniel smiled at me.

“How about the two of you pair up for the first few rounds, then I’ll -”

“That’s all right Daniel. Thank you,” I said, and I was off. I didn’t know what I would say, or how I would say it, but at that moment I was petrified, and I have never responded well to fear. The only thing I could do was to make Stellan acknowledge me. I stormed into his office.

“What, you’re not even going to look at me?”

He glanced up, but still his eyes did not meet mine. “I’ll look at you all you want.”

I stood there and waited, but he continued to simply slide papers across the desk, as though he was reading them one by one.

My fists clenched at my sides. “Is this how it’s going to be? You’re never going to talk to me again?”

At this, he looked up. “No, but I think you can begrudge me a couple days to be pissed.”

“Who are you to be pissed?”

His lip twitched. “Oh, fucking nobody, apparently.”

He rounded the desk and moved to pass me out the door, but I stood my ground, blocking his way. I knew if he wanted to pass he would, but I also knew, or prayed, that he would never physically move me in anger. He stopped in front of me.

My legs were shaking. “I didn’t mean it that way, I – I just don’t understand why you’re so upset with me!”

He looked down at me, meeting my eyes for the first time since I’d sat across from him in his kitchen, and I shrank before him.

“This isn’t the time, Faye.”

“It
is
the time.”

He sighed, running his hand up over his face before rubbing his eyes.

“What do you want me to say? You know why I’m mad. You kept something important from me and put me in a position -”

“I didn’t keep anything from you out of spite.”

“What does that matter?” He asked and his voice dropped deep into his chest. “Do you realize that for the past ten years I thought you’d been date raped. I thought someone had hurt you, and you didn’t tell me because you knew I’d find them and kill them?”