Caught in the Cogs Volume One (7 page)

If I had known it would be the last

I would have held you longer,

Slipping my arms around you,

Pulling you close to me, too,

Placing my cheek on your chest,

Stroking your hair, watching you rest.

If I had only known.

If I had known it would fade so fast

I would have kissed you deeper,

Absorbing your lips’ softness,

Losing myself in your kiss.

Drinking in all your desire,

Refusing to quench the fire.

If I had only known.

If I had known it would be the last

I would have stayed through the night,

Holding on to every breath

As if it would mean my death

To let you go.

If I had only known.

Reality.

No more dreams.

This is my reality now.

Alone. In the dark

Crouching in the driveway

Night after night at 3am

With only a cigarette and the cold wind

To keep me company.

The loss consumes me.

This is my reality now.

No note or text or email or message

To say “I miss you” or “Let’s find a way.”

Nothing but the dark and the cold,

Nothing but my shame and regret

To keep me company.

He has been over me for weeks

Cuddled up, asleep with her

But I cannot sleep.

My pain wakes me

Night after night at 3am.

This is my reality.

Love’s Unrelenting Claw

Love’s unrelenting claw

Gripped tightly around my heart

Squeezing out the life

Suffocating

Pounding

Ripping

Tearing

Its fervent fingers refusing to let go,

Forcing my weakened heart to beat & pulse within its grasp

Bulging out between bony knuckles

Struggling to survive

Bleeding

Weeping

Begging to be released.

The Pain You Caused

Do you feel the pain you caused?

Do you cry. Do you crumple into a ball?

Grasping at the wall?

Shaking, shivering, cutting?

Remember how you said

To get used to being pleased by you?

To get used to catching my breath?

No pleasure. Only pain, emptiness, gasping for breath.

Breakdown.

After Breakdown.

After Breakdown.

Remember my thighs?

The ones you said you would kill for?

The ones you lay between to taste me?

Their longing is now revealed in long, bloody cuts.

Do you feel the pain you caused?

Relationship Articles

These articles were originally posted on O. M. Grey’s blog “Caught in the Cogs” at
http://omgrey.wordpress.com
. More relationship articles can be found there.

Polyamory as an Alternative to Infidelity

“That doesn’t work.”

No doubt, if you have heard someone talk about “polyamory,” or any of the terms describing open marriage or non-monogamous relationships, and especially if you have suggested it to your spouse or girlfriend, you likely heard those words.

“That doesn’t work.”

Discussion over. Next.

The harsh truth about marriages in today’s society is that nearly 50% of them end in divorce, largely due to infidelity. Second marriages, in which one would thought they had avoided the pitfalls that ended their first marriage, have a 60% divorce rate. Third marriages? 75% divorce rate.1

Perhaps monogamy doesn’t work. Certainly not for everybody. That said, alternative lifestyles like Polyamory don’t work for everyone either. Couples are like snowflakes: no two are alike. What works for one couple may not work for another. There is not a magic tool that will fix all marriages, but it helps to have as many tools in your toolbox as possible; that is, if your goal is to have a healthy, happy marriage.

As a society, we pride ourselves on our “family values.” We fall in love and get married. We buy a house. We have kids. We build our career. We join a church or social group. We are living the American Dream... until it turns into a nightmare.

“Love,” that euphoric feeling and rush of desire so common at the beginning of a new relationship, always fades. It. Always. Fades. There are no exceptions to this. You may be reading this saying to yourself, “Not my marriage, because I still feel a rush when my wife kisses me! Not my relationship! It won’t fade.”

It will.

The average length of time for that “in love” feeling to last in a primary relationship is two years.2 Which means you may be in your fifth year of wedded bliss, still getting excited watching your wife get dressed in the morning, but someone else has lost it in their first year. Perhaps even before their first year.

It fades. It’s a fact of life. That feeling of euphoria fades, and there is nothing wrong with that. Too many couples think that the “honeymoon is over” when that fades or that it must not have been true love, but that is not the case. It was very real, but it was just the first step. A deeper connection and a more beautiful love come after that. Something real. Something that lasts. Something that is not just based on brain chemicals and hormones. True intimacy, if you are willing to do the work to establish that.

Recently, when discussing polyamory with a friend, he said to me, “But it’s just so much easier to cheat and lie about it.” We had a conversation about polyamory years ago when my husband and I first were experimenting with an open marriage. This friend said his wife would never go for it, but he did bring it up in passing one day. Her response was: “That doesn’t work.”

End of discussion.

Two years later, he had an affair. His wife is blissfully ignorant of it, but if and when she finds out--and let’s face it, they usually do--she will feel devastated and betrayed. And she should, because he betrayed her trust. He betrayed their vows. He lied to her, and the greatest pain is in the deception, not the sex. He adores his wife. I know it doesn’t seem like it, because he did cheat on her, but he does.

Perhaps the greatest problem with the monogamy model is that it does not leave room for personal growth and personal satisfaction. The monogamy model shows us that once you are married you stay married...or you get divorced. Or, of course, you cheat. But then, you are no longer monogamous.

Desire happens. Even love sometimes just happens. Usually when you least expect it and even if you don’t want it. Another fact of life. We are sexual beings. Sex to most men and many, many women (more than you’d think!) is as essential a need as food, water, and shelter. Sex, after several years of marriage, can fall to the wayside because the comfort and security are there. The kids. PTA meetings. Career. Day care. Housekeeping. After all the maintenance of life, sex falls to the side. Where once you had sex daily or at least weekly, now weeks or even months may go by without sex.

Then one day it happens. You’re off on a business trip, or at the office, and you notice someone in that way. She notices you, too. You feel seen. You feel attractive and interesting and desirable, all those things that your wife truly knows but no longer seems to notice. Is this woman better? Younger? Sexier? More beautiful than your wife? Not necessarily. In fact, unlikely. She’s merely different. New.

So. What are your choices? Deny your own desires, or worse, your heart if you’ve fallen “in love”? This can mean to emotionally castrate yourself, which can actually cause physical ailments.3 Your other choice, the one that has become far too common in our society, is to cheat on your wife, jeopardizing your marriage and family, if you have children. All for what? To feel good. Not attractive options. Especially because this new “in love” euphoria, too, will fade over time. As many people find out in their second and third marriages. It always does. It is biology.

Here is a third option: Polyamory.

Polyamory is many things, but it is not a license to have sex with whomever or whenever you want. Not necessarily. Not unless that is what you and your spouse decide. Polyamory cannot really be defined, as it means different things to different people. In fact, polyamory might not mean having sex with anyone but your wife. Polyamory is about open and honest relationships, which first and foremost must happen in your primary relationship.

For starters, you can use this new office attraction as “borrowed desire,” sparking things at home, but not deceptively. Tell your wife about it. I know this sounds terrifying, but this is how one develops true intimacy and a deeper relationship with one’s spouse: by sharing fears.

You must start and end the conversation with reassurances on how much you love her and how you would never leave her. Tell her that revealing this is scary to you because you are afraid she will think something is going on, but that is precisely WHY you are telling her, to reassure her that there isn’t. Otherwise you wouldn’t be telling her.

This conversation can be extremely powerful. By telling her about this attraction you are 1) at least partially diffusing the situation at work (by hiding it, you’re only fueling the excitement and the desire for this new woman, and, worse, deceiving your wife) and, 2) making yourself vulnerable before your wife. Tell her that you don’t want to feel this attraction, but you do. Tell her that you aren’t going to act on it, but it feels great to be seen again. Tell her that it has inspired you to want to make her feel desired and loved and cherished again, because you would never do anything to hurt her or your family.

Ask if she feels threatened. If she does, then address that by reassuring her again. There is no place for anger here. If she get’s angry, then it is likely because she is scared of abandonment, too. Listen to your wife’s fears. Likely, her fear is that you are going to leave her. Abandonment is one of the greatest fears in any marriage. The tragedy is that this overwhelming fear of abandonment keeps couples from opening up to each other, which ironically and ultimately pushes them further and further apart making an indiscretion, separation, or divorce all that more likely.

In my next article, I will be addressing 5 myths about polyamory:

Casual sex with whomever/whenever

Something must be wrong with your marriage to want to open it up

It’s only about sex or It’s only about love

My spouse isn’t enough for me, so I must look elsewhere

It doesn’t work

Dispelling 5 Myths about Polyamory

Polyamory is not just about sex.

Polyamory is not just about love, although it is more about love than it is about sex.

Polyamory is not Swinging.

Polyamory is about being in an emotionally (and possibly sexual) open and honest relationship. It’s about knowing who you are. It’s about knowing who your spouse or significant other (SO) is. Completely. Intimately.