Changing Forever (33 page)

Out of the corner of my eye, I see him fuming. He only knows one side of the story, though. Actually, he doesn’t even know that … he thinks I came home because I got pregnant. He doesn’t know what Drake said to me. He doesn’t know that, until today, Drake wasn’t aware that we were having a baby.

And now that he found out, I wish I had done it differently. I wish I would’ve told him sooner so we could have avoided today. It doesn’t matter that I tried … I should have tried even harder. I should’ve made him listen to me.

When the truck comes to a stop on the highway, I feel his hand lightly squeeze my knee. I’ve been so lost in my own world, replaying the last couple hours in my head, I’d
almost forgotten I wasn’t the only one here. “Emery,” he says quietly, never taking his hand off me. “For what it’s worth, I’m here for you. Always have been and always will be.”

Resting my forehead against the passenger side window, I completely lose it. I’ve been dying to hear those words for months, but Clay isn’t the person I wanted to hear saying them.

Without warning, Clay pulls to the side of the road and puts the truck in park. “Emery?”

I catch a glimpse of his concerned eyes and crumble, instantly feeling his arms pulling me close. It feels wrong taking comfort from the guy who wants me while I’m crying over the one who doesn’t. I guess life hasn’t been fair to either of us.

“It’s going to be okay,” he whispers, running his hand up and down my spine. “We’ll get through this.”

His words make me tense up. There is no
we
… not in the way Clay wants. Pulling back, I wipe my tears away and take a deep breath. “I’ll be okay. It’s just not how I wanted him to find out.”

“He didn’t know?” Clay asks, sitting back in his seat.

Tears slip from my eyes again. “No, I mean, I left a message once, but he never called back. He doesn’t want anything to do with me, and I wasn’t going to force him with a baby.”

“He’s an idiot not to want you,” he says softly, squeezing my hand before putting his truck back in drive.

The rest of the drive is quiet, which is good because I’m sure anything Clay wants to say will cut me deeper. I know what it’s like to love someone but not be able to be with them. He’s a sweet guy, but he’s not the one for me. He’s a safe walk across the sidewalk when what I really want is a walk across a tight rope. I’m slowly learning, though, that while one is more fun, the other is less likely to shatter me.

By the time we pull into my gravel drive, the sky is completely dark, and the only light that remains on in my house is the one above the sink in the kitchen, which means my dad has gone to sleep.

“Sit tight,” Clay says, climbing out of the truck. Sitting back against my seat, I anticipate my door opening any second now.

When he pulls it open, he steps into the open space, making it impossible for me to get out. The way he stares at me makes my hands sweat. “Do you want me to stay with you tonight?”

Without hesitating, I say, “No, I think I need to be alone. Besides, Clay, I can’t go back to being the us you want us to be. I need to figure out who Emery is right now.”

He reaches up, using his thumbs to brush the tears from my eyes. “I know who you are. You’re a smart, determined, stubborn woman. You’re not typical, but that’s what makes you so special.”

Shaking my head, I try to free my face from his hands. It’s not the right time for this. “Emery, please, just listen to me.”

“I’m tired, Clay.”

“Just do me one favor …
whatever you do, wherever you end up, make sure you’re happy. You’ve worked too hard to settle for anything less.” He lets go
of me, stepping back.

Our eyes remain locked. I haven’t felt this open and raw in a long time. Not even when my mom left, or the day I saw her again driving past my dad’s truck. I either didn’t let myself fall this far, or those events didn’t push me this hard. I’m older. I’ve seen more. I feel more.

And one thing I know for certain … the guy standing in front of me with sad eyes and a defeated stance is the most unselfish person I’ve ever met.

“I’m sorry about today,” I whisper, breaking the silence.

He grabs my hands in his, gently pulling me forward until my feet are firmly planted on the ground. When his lips press to my forehead, I close my eyes, letting his touch soothe me.

“The first part was fun,” he says, smiling sadly. “Come on, I’ll walk you to the front door.”

I nod, following his lead. All I want to do right now is let my head fall against the pillow. With any luck, I’ll get some sleep.

We stop in front of my door. It reminds me so much of our first date. Neither of us knows exactly what to say or do. “Thank you for everything, Clay.”

His lips touch my forehead one more time. “You take care of yourself.”

Nodding, I open the door and disappear inside.

A
FTER
I
DROP
MY
SISTERS
OFF
AT
HOME
, I drive through the darkness, no destination in sight. I’m too numb to fully process the
consequences of what happened today, or how my actions in that hospital room months ago affected the rest of my life. I want to go somewhere and forget all my problems by drowning myself in alcohol, but I know when I wake up in the morning, I’m going to feel exactly like I do now. Nothing can be worse than this, and I never deserve better.

This is my forever … the one I was destined to have anyway.

There’s something about country roads. They never get you to where you want to go too quickly, but when you do get there, you’ve gotten the best form of free therapy. It’s crazy what a little time to think can do for you.

After a couple hours, I find myself pulling into the parking lot of B&B’s. It’s one of the two bars in town, but it’s my personal favorite because it’s more low-key. Not the place a guy goes for a hook-up or a fight. Just a place to sulk and forget.

As I walk in the door, I spot the regulars sitting up at the bar, nursing their drinks. That’s not where I’m heading tonight, not if I’m driving.

“Hey, Chambers, what can I get you tonight?” Bill, the owner shouts from over the bar.

“I’ll take a Coke.” He stares at me curiously for a few seconds before throwing some ice in a glass and grabbing a can from the cooler. I drink often when I come here, but tonight I don’t have a ride home, and one thing I’ll never do is drive drunk … not after what happened to my dad.

While I wait for my drink, I switch on the dartboard and pull the darts from the center.
This is what I do when I need to focus on something other than what’s swirling in my head.

“Where do you want it?” Bill asks.

I don’t even bother looking at him. “Just set it on the table next to the jukebox.”

As I throw my first set of darts, I hear the glass clink against the table. “What’s eating you, kid?”

“I’m not a kid.”

His voice is lighter when he speaks again. “To me, you’ll always be a kid.”

Without responding, I pull my darts from the board and
stand back to throw my second round. I didn’t come here to talk.

“How’s your momma doing?”

Fuck. “I didn’t come here to talk, Bill.” I throw another set of darts, hoping he takes the hint and finds his way back to the bar.

“Your mom and dad used to be the king and queen of this town. I’ve been praying for her since the day he died.”

“I’m not in the mood for this, Bill,” I mumble, hoping he’ll just walk away.

He lets out a short laugh. “Every woman in town was jealous of her because your dad was quite a catch. Handsome, and he’d gone to college. Hell, all the guys envied him because he could get a woman to look at him like your mom did. He was a lucky bastard.” The last word fades away as I finally look over at him. My dad may have been lucky in life, but it ended too soon. Way too soon, and we’re all paying for it.

“Some luck,” I say, swallowing the lump in my throat. My dad was my best friend, and I still haven’t dealt with his death the way I should’ve, because I’ve been too busy taking care of everyone else.

“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

I nod, my silent way of letting him know that I’m okay. Or at least that’s what I want him to believe.

“Anyway, if you ever need anything, I’m here. I know you don’t know me that well, but your dad and I were good friends. He loved you, and I know he’d hate to see you like this.”

I stop, rubbing my fingers over my brow. I try so hard to keep everything to myself, to hide it so deep that no one can see, but this guy I barely know is reading me like a children’s book. “It’s been a long day. I think I’m just going to head home.”

“Avoidance isn’t going to solve any problem,” he says as he places his hand on my shoulder.

He walks away before I have a chance to say anything, not that there’s much to say. He’s right. I’ve been running for as long as I can remember. When my dad was killed, I took care of everyone else so I wouldn’t have time to deal with my own grief. I practiced football for hours each day so when I wasn’t in school, I wouldn’t have to think. School. Football. Sleep. That’s all I did. When I was old enough to work, I got a job at the local grocery store, working every weekend and all through the summer.

I monopolized my time. I avoided serious relationships. I didn’t have many friendships. And where has it gotten me?

A life of fucking misery. Even if I could play football and made it to the NFL, I’d still be this guy. I can’t believe it took me this long to realize it.

I grab my keys from the table and head out the door. It’s time to stop running. I’m too fucking tired … I have been for a long time.

This time, as I drive home, I let my mind go free, thinking about what it is that I want. What would make me happy? I’ve made such a mess of things that it’s hard to sort through it.

As soon as I pull in my driveway, I shut off my headlights, careful not to wake my family. I want to get inside and throw myself on top of my bed.

After an attempt to open the front door quietly, I make my way toward the stairs, careful not to step on the creaky boards.

“Drake, is that you?” From the sound of my mom’s voice, I know she’s been sleeping.

“Yeah, Mom. Go back to sleep,” I say, running my fingers through my hair.

I spot her dark form sitting up on the couch. “I must have fallen asleep watching
Pretty Woman
with your sisters. They never get sick of that one.”

I can’t help but laugh a little. I’ve watched that movie more than any man should.

“Where have you been? You weren’t drinking, were you?”

“No, I went to B&B’s to throw some darts,” I say, rotating my neck to release some of the tension.

She stands, walking in my direction, her eyes taking in my features. “Are you okay? Tess said you were acting strange at the fair, and she saw you arguing with a girl. You can talk to me, Drake.”

Looking up to the ceiling, I inhale a deep breath. “I met a girl at school, and we dated for a while. Anyway, I ran into her at the fair today, and let’s just say things didn’t go well.”

“There’s only one reason seeing her would bother you like this. She must have really meant something to you.”

I could have really used my mom all these years. “I know,” I reply, quickly skipping up the stairs.

I don’t want to talk anymore.

I know what I want, but I just don’t know how I’m going to get it.

Or if I even can.

T
HERE
ARE
ONLY
SIX
WEEKS
LEFT
until my baby will be in my arms. Time’s gone by so fast, and it really hasn’t even sunk in yet. I wonder if it’s like this for everyone. I’ve spent months preparing, making sure I have everything, but does anyone really feel emotionally ready?

Tonight I’m finally getting some time to myself. My dad’s suffocating me. Clay’s smothering me. I know they only want what’s best for me, but I’m starting to lose my sense of self. And also my mind.

Daddy rarely lets me out of his sight, and Clay likes to pop by once a day to make sure I’m okay. Usually we watch some TV, or if it’s not too hot, we sit on the front porch and talk. And he’s given me more space, making our friendship stronger. I don’t feel the pressure to be anything more than his friend.