Chaos (8 page)

Shane was exhausted. It was time to seriously think about
finding a new job. Or maybe he’d take a year off and drift. He couldn’t remember
a time when he hadn’t wanted to be a cop. Unfortunately he had never considered
how small and insignificant it would make him feel. His mother had tried to
warn him. Often in fact. He thought he’d listened but obviously not well
enough. Or not to the important parts. Now he finally understood why she’d
tried to discourage him from joining the force in the city. He’d honestly
thought she was being selfish, not wanting him to be so far from home when
she’d told him about an opening in a neighboring town. Selfish, yeah, right.
She had known this would happen eventually and had only been trying to protect
him from himself. He really was too kind-hearted for what he’d ended up in the
middle of.

The only thing that bothered him more was the way that his
fellow cops didn’t seem to mind that they’d been forced to shoot and kill
children tonight. Granted, they were heavily armed children, involved in trying
to intercept a heroin delivery from a rival gang, but children nonetheless. Why
didn’t the others seem to feel anything when they found the evidence of the
shootout that had taken place before they could prevent it? God, he was
beginning to hate this job!

Unready to face the questions he knew Alyssa would spring on
him as soon as he walked in, Shane sat in his truck and pulled out his phone.
“Mom, hi, it’s me.”

“Shane, what’s wrong?” Rose McKade was instantly awake.

“Nothing, I…ah shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about
what time it is. Go back to sleep, I’ll call you in the morning.”

“Wait.” His mother made it clear that she was not going to
let him hang up so easily. “What is it?”

“Nothing, Mom, really. It was just a really long, really bad
day.” He tried to outwait her but couldn’t. “We killed some kids tonight. Well,
gang members actually. Not me but two of the other guys who were with me. They
shot first but… Christ, Mom, they were kids!”

“Honey, you already know what you want to hear. I’m not
going say it though. I know you want me to but I won’t do it. You know this has
to be your decision and you know your father and I love you and would do
anything to make this easier for you but I am not the one who can give you the
permission to walk away. You need to do that yourself, for yourself. I know you
take your job seriously and you believe in what you’re trying to do. Shane, you
can’t do it all yourself. You, personally, on your own, cannot save every kid
who’s in over his head. You keep forgetting that Jordan wasn’t really asking
you to save him…”

“I know. He just wanted me to pay attention to him. I really
do get that now. I just wish… This is going to sound so stupid but I really do
wish I could just help one of them.”

“Have you met one who wants help yet? There’s nothing you
can do until you do.”

“I know that too, Mom. Do you know how much I wish I’d
listened to what you were trying to tell me when I told you I got this job?”

“No more than I wish I’d been mistaken when I was telling
you that.” Shane could hear his father in the background. Great, now he could
feel guilty for waking him too. “Your dad wants to say something. We’re here,
Shane, any time. Don’t ever hesitate if you need us.”

“Thanks, Mom. You’re the best.”

“Son, unlike your mother, I am willing to voice my opinion
this time. I take it, from her half of the conversation, that you had some sort
of situation at work. If it’s getting so bad that you forget it’s the middle of
the night and that your old parents are going to panic when the phone rings,
then it’s time for you to take a break. Take a leave and regroup. Think things
over, thoroughly, before you decide anything. You’re a damn good cop, Shane but
first and foremost, you’re a damn good man. I’d hate to see you forget that
because you feel you’re inadequate in some way since your mother felt the need
to remind you that it’s not up to you to save the world single-handedly.”

“Thanks, Dad. What would I do without you guys?”

“The same thing that you’re going to end up doing with us.
It would just take longer. Have faith in yourself and follow your heart, okay?”

“I’ll try. I really am sorry I scared you like that.”

“No big deal. We’re fine now that we know you are. Let me
repeat that you should call us whenever you want to, no matter what the time.”

“I will, Dad. Tell Mom that she’s right. I do need to figure
this out on my own. And I will. I have to. Soon. Night.”

“Good night, son. We love you.”

Shane sat for a few more minutes before he headed for his
apartment. Talking to his parents always helped. Maybe it was time to tell
someone other than them how frustrated he actually was. Alyssa hadn’t been disgusted
when he’d shown her a small portion of what he felt in her studio the weekend
before. Then again, he was sure Jesse would listen. Yeah, maybe that was a
better idea. Jesse probably even had some advice that would help.

* * * * *

Alyssa, Brett and Jesse were all sprawled in Shane’s living
room when he opened the door. He heard their laughter before they noticed him.
Clearly, they enjoyed their impromptu evening in his apartment even though he
hadn’t been there.

“Hey,” Shane greeted them when they realized he was home.

“Jeez, McKade, you look worse than you did before. You
okay?” Alyssa reacted first.

“Yeah. I’m fine.” He was far from convincing.

Brett hopped up from his spot on the floor and yanked Shane
into a bear hug, semi-startled when he didn’t resist. “Shane, Shane, Shane,
this is us. You can stop being the totally together, fully in control, Superman
guy and relax. You’re home now and you promised me and Jordan that you’d be our
friend in addition to our big brother so it’s time to remember that. How are
you?”

When Brett finally released him, Shane sighed. “Honestly,
I’m exhausted, discouraged, frustrated and approaching depressed. I’m also
annoyed with myself because I forgot what time it was and just called Mom and
Dad to say hi and ended up panicking them. I’m starting to hate my job enough
to dread going in and most days I wonder why I bothered when I get home. I’m
not doing any good anyway. I feel like I’m trying to bail out the
Titanic
with a teacup. And what makes it all the more confusing is the simple fact that
the people we’re risking our lives to protect resent us for our interference.”
Shane paused to take a breath and saw the stunned expressions on Alyssa and
Brett’s faces. Jesse, on the other hand, met his gaze with one filled with understanding.
“I’d apologize but, frankly, right now I am so relieved to have finally said
all that out loud that I just can’t.”

“Don’t you dare apologize,” Jesse spoke first. “You can’t
keep that sort of stuff bottled up inside you and, as Brett pointed out, you
don’t have to with us. I know you’ve all speculated on what, exactly, I do and
I really can’t say much but, Shane, I do know precisely what you’re going
through. I’ve never been a cop but I have been in situations with the same
no-win, hostility-invoking odds. I know that doesn’t specifically help at the
moment and it certainly doesn’t provide you with any solutions but if you let
yourself think about it now and then you might find that it’s better to know
that you’re not alone with this. You know how to reach me and I’ll listen any
time you want to talk. I’m guessing none of the other guys are feeling as
helpless as you are yet.”

“Some of them may be now. We were trying to intercept a drug
shipment that one gang planned on hijacking from another one. Our timing was
wrong and they’d already started shooting when we got there. We ended up
killing the two guys holding the drugs when they decided they’d rather shoot
their way past us than give it up. Some of their associates managed to clip
each other in addition to an unfortunate old man who had his dog out in his
yard.” Shane told them everything that would be reported in the paper in the
morning.

“Did you seize the heroin?” Jesse asked. When Shane nodded,
he continued, “So that part wasn’t a complete waste. It sounds like the old man
is going to be okay so you didn’t lose any innocent bystanders. It’s
regrettable that anyone had to die but it was clearly their choice. Perhaps the
few that were wounded will wise up and get out while they recuperate. No one
forces these kids to join these gangs. Oh, I’ve heard all the theories on how
being alone after school gives them the opportunity and I’m not arguing but
it’s not just those kids out there. Ones with perfectly average homes wind up
involved too just as kids who are practically homeless with no one to depend on
also manage to go to college or get decent jobs and become hardworking,
contributing members of society. They have to want out. Nothing you do can
force them to make that choice if they’re not ready. I can assure you that the
two who died were well aware that there was a better than fifty-fifty chance of
that happening tonight. Personally, I think the way society has let the
situation evolve sucks. But, until we, as a country, find a way to care enough
to agree and work together to restructure life as we all know it, you, as a
cop, can only chip away at your little corner of the world and try to make it
better. No matter how much it seems like you aren’t making a difference you
have to believe that you are in some miniscule way. Even if the only thing you
ever manage to do is make that old man feel safe again one time when he takes
out his dog, it’s still a step in the right direction. If you can’t find it in
yourself to believe that it may be time to give serious consideration to
altering your life.”

“Is that what you did?”

“Yes and no. At the moment, I haven’t given up all hope in
what I try to do. When that happens and I fully expect it will eventually, I’ll
carefully reevaluate my life, both privately and by bouncing things off my
friends and family and go in the direction that’s best for me. There’s no shame
in admitting that you’ve had enough and moving on. It takes guts to do that.
The cowards who don’t, end up either being corrupted and perpetuating the
problem or doing nothing and taking up a space that could be filled by someone
who can still care.”

Shane didn’t respond so Brett joined in. “Do you remember
when Jordan got the mumps and missed a week of school? We were in second grade
so you would have been in fourth. There was this guy in fifth grade but I think
he was really much older. He was huge and mean and, for some reason, he hated
me. He was always trying to get me alone so he could beat the snot out of me.
When Jordan was with me, we usually managed to get away before he did much
damage but for that whole week, I was on my own. Or I was afraid I was.

“The first time the gorilla came after me, you appeared out
of nowhere and stood in front of me, blocking his path. You very calmly explained
to him that he was going to leave me alone until Jordan was back so it would be
a fairer fight. He wanted to take you on but you refused even though he was
much bigger than you were too, saying you’d started karate class so he didn’t
stand a chance and how that would also be unfair. You warned him that if he
ignored you and hurt me when I was alone he would have to deal with you and you
would hurt him worse than anything he could do to me. When he asked what you
were going to do once Jordan was back you said nothing. If it was a fair fight,
we were on our own. He seemed willing to wait and was about to walk away after
he threatened me with all sorts of stuff until you mentioned that you, of
course, would be sharing everything you learned in karate class with us if we
wanted to learn. That was the last time he ever said a word to me. For the rest
of the year, whenever he would pick on someone smaller than him, you always
seemed to show up at just the right second to keep him in check. If he went for
someone his own size you were nowhere around. Shane, you’re still trying to
make it a fair fight and give the underdog a chance. Growing up, you were the
best big brother I could have ever wished for.”

Shane snorted, “Aren’t you the same guy who correctly called
me an ass a few months ago and pointed out all the mistakes I’ve made as a big
brother?”

“Yeah but I was talking about Jordan then, not me. You
somehow managed to be fair with me, even when you weren’t with Jordan. You
helped teach me right from wrong even when I didn’t choose to listen. You’re
still doing it too. You manage to keep on caring, long after the rest of us
probably would have given up.”

“Come on, Brett, I’ve seen you try to help out.”

“Sure, when the person I’m helping wants me to. I can’t imagine
going out there every day like you do, putting yourself at risk. But I think
there’s one thing you’re not quite right about. I think that the majority of
the people out there do appreciate you even while they’re taking you for
granted. They may not ever say it but I’d bet that most of the city is happier
and feels safer because you’re trying your damnedest to do the best you can at
your job. Don’t let the minority take away from the importance of what you do.
I, for one, would never be able to handle what you make look like second nature
and I gotta tell you, I wouldn’t want to try.”

“He’s right, Shane. Listen to him,” Jesse urged. “Yes, it’s
horrible out there and yes, some things will probably get worse. You just have
to remember that it’s not all bad. Did you go visit with Penny’s class this
week? Weren’t they worth all the other bullshit you went through the rest of
the week?”

“Yeah, they were. You’re both right. I’m letting the part
that sucks override the good parts.” Shane realized that Alyssa hadn’t said a
word. “Hey, Campini, you fall asleep over there?”

“Which gangs?” she asked in a very small voice.

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry, Pix. I shouldn’t have said anything.”