Chasing After Infinity (33 page)

“That’s for the first day,” I snarl, trying to push him into the door. But not before his hand reaches out quickly to pull me back.

“The first second I saw you, I figured that you weren't going to be like any other girl that I've met."

His green eyes meet mine. “You got under my skin like nobody else had. That day, you told me to take responsibility for my actions. And that was the biggest
wake up
call in my life as I realized everything was going to shit around me."

I look into his face, seeing something there and glance away, unable to feel anything.
Just this continuous numbness.
“Okay,” I manage to say.

“And--” Adrian looks away. “Dammit, I can't undo my feelings now. I can't go back to when we didn't know each other. That time has already disappeared. As soon as there was the brief thought that you were dead, I’ve never been so scared in my life. When it turned into something I couldn’t handle…well, I tend to run away from my problems as you know.”

He looks up. “When you left, I realized you were the only girl I’ve ever given a fuck about. When I said that I don’t care about the others, I meant it.”

My mind begins to spin—whether out of confusion or fatigue, it’s unknown.

“You’re unable to love. I can’t love you either,” I choke out. “We’re poison for each other.”

“No,” Adrian says into my hair as he pulls me to him until my head is in the crook of his collarbone and I’m inhaling in his scent. “We’re infinity together.
Unstoppable.”

“Stop,” I say, pushing him away.

Adrian releases me agonizingly slow, the tortured intake of breath. “What do you want from me?”

“I want you to let me go.” My voice is shaky. “That’s all. I may be the only thing on your mind for now but later, you’ll go back to your old habits. Adrian, don’t deny it. It’s in your nature and you can’t fight nature.”

“You can fight nature. You can go against fate. It’s only when you surrender to the forces that it controls you.”

Adrian reaches out with his hand to press against the back of my head and tugs me closer, tilting my head so that he kisses me. A blaze of all-consuming fire runs through me, making me gasp involuntarily, parting my lips. My heart breaks again and again as I clutch the sides of his shirt, walking backwards onto the couch where we tumble onto the futon.

My eyes lock onto his and in them, I see inferno of fire, everything that I both want and fear.

The moment he kisses me, I can't control my resisting feelings anymore. My emotions have surged up and they're melting me away.

The cushions squeak under us as he leans into me, folding me into his body. His taste fills my mouth, sparking something in me that I can’t control. I twist my fingers around his neck, pulling him closer until our bodies are pressed together at every point. Adrian’s hands trail down my neck, over my shoulders, and slip down to undo the buttons of my shirt as our mouths are still sliding over the other, hot, and warm. Pure desire
shoots like an electric shock and he pops each button open until the fabric is loose and slips over my shoulder.

His hot mouth is nipping at my shoulder blades and I grasp his collar tighter in my fists. He drags his lips back to mine, the cushion dipping under his weight as he rolls us over. My head is warm and heavy and all of my past worries have disappeared like wisps of thin air.

In the bedroom, he throws me to the bed and I jerk him to me, pulling him on top of me as we kiss. I sink into the mattress, revelling in the feel of his rough lips on mine and the smooth fabric of the comforter beneath me.

Adrian’s face looks razor-sharp sexy under the light which tosses shadows onto his buttery hair and across the contours of his face. His eyes are half-lidded as he kisses me fast and hard, leaving my blood pumping. His lips are pressed against mine until I’m flushed and breathless. I pull his shirt off, revealing his broad and defined chest as my fingers slide across his salty smooth skin and then onto his tattoo.

He groans into my mouth, cutting me off with a deep kiss. My legs are locked around his waist, pulling him closer. His fingers clamp onto my hips, wrapping me onto his lap as I start to move. The rest of the world whirls and spins in a dizzying array of colours. I bury my head into his shoulder as I’m being devoured in the kiss. Our bodies collide, as skin slips over skin, mouths pressed against each other, and I’m caught up in a storm.

I’m in the eye of the storm and as everything is spinning out of control around me, I don’t realize it. Instead, I embrace it.

Tears slip over my cheek, and his fingers wipe them away, kissing them away. Our tears mingle as we kiss, heat warming our senses.

“
Avena
, I love you” Adrian says against my mouth, his voice hoarse, sounding drunk. My mind is groggy and everything sounds far away. “I’ve always loved you.”

Shock registers in me. It sounds like him but it doesn’t seem like his voice. The Adrian I know would never whisper with such raw emotion. And I don’t know if I can handle it.

Deep cracks break open my glass heart, his words shattering into figments, and I feel it fracture.

Just like that, I fall apart into a million pieces.

***

ADRIAN

I feel the first few rays of sunlight hit my face as we lie on the bed, the sheets twisted all around us. She looks so peaceful and almost innocent as she sleeps beside me, her face open,
her
hair fanning out across the pillowcase.

Careful not to make a sound, I roll over to grab my shirt and stretch it over my head. I pull on my jeans that were discarded on the carpet and take one last look at her, a hard lump choking me.

I remember the first day I met
Avena
.

She was wearing a light jacket and jeans as she walks through the hall, exuding toughness and defiance. From the very first sight, I knew that she was going to be impossible.

Still asleep, I grab my leather jacket from the bed and slip the note from my pocket. I leave it on her dresser and before my emotions can get a hold of me, I slide out through the door.

But I pause for a second and before I can stop myself, everything flashes over in my eyes.

Her punching me across my face, her shaking sobs as I held her, the bitter sour feeling in my chest as I watched her walk away.

I play the game even though I’m up in flames and I’m burning down tonight.

Broken pieces that I’ve been trying to let go.

I can’t let her go.

But I knew that I’ll have to drag myself away.

Once in my car, I check my phone. What was the nearest train schedule leaving for 10 o’ clock?

***

AVENA

When the break of dawn rises, my eyes open. I sink against the bed, watching the morning sun slowly shift from its hiding place, washing
through my nearest window blinds and making sun-drenched patterns on the cream walls.

Everything from before is a bit foggy, the same drowsy and hung-over feeling as I lie on the bed, trying to piece everything together.

Adrian…last night?

Did we really...?

My memory’s still a bit hazy around the edges and I feel like I’m drunk.

I glance over to my side and draw an intake of air. The space opposite me is empty, leaving only an indent of where he once was. Adrian. He isn’t there. Where is he?

Drowsily, I get up, stumbling a little, and rub my eyes. “Adrian?” I call and stumble out of the bed, still in my plaid pyjamas. I open the door. “Adrian?”

Nothing.
Not even an echo.

He’s gone.

I turn sharply, my mind still uncooperative. Then I see the note taped onto my dresser. I slowly walk across the room and take it carefully off the hinge.

Avena
-

It was December and freezing cold as we swam out into the water. You were laughing and goading me on, both of us caught up in the moment. And before I knew it, I was too far away to reach you and you were flailing around as a huge wave dragged you under. And suddenly, it was as if I was paralyzed.
This realization that you were going to die--it scared me to hell.
The reality of death, how it could be unpredictable, how people could die
everyday
and you will never know what will happen the next minute. That I'll never get to see you again, never get to be there for you every time you cry, never be with you.

And suddenly, I knew I was fooling myself all this time.

What I said before, I meant it. It was you who taught me to step up and stop running from responsibility. In that moment where you nearly drowned, I realized I should've thought about the meaning of life because I can't seem to find a purpose for me.

Which moves on to why I'm writing this. I just want to tell you that I’m leaving for Oklahoma City to get myself straightened out. I want to find out who I am and maybe I can find some information about my birth mom there.

I can’t go back on this now. I'm sorry, I'm
sorry,
I don't know how many
sorrys
that would make this all right.

 
You.
The only thing in my life that never went away.
When everything went to hell, you were all I had.

I finally place the note down and start laughing. The laughter continues
,
becoming mirthless until it finally turns to sobs.

Looking around, a new kind of fire burns in me as I stare blankly at the wall. Then getting my bag and my keys, I slip out of the door.

Then I start to run.

chapter
twenty-six

AVENA

My heart is beating so loudly in my ears that I think I’m going to faint. I park in the Caulfield train station, my hands trembling as I climb out of the car. There are so many people all around me, choking off my air, talking, and laughing all around me as I look around. Panic seizes my throat as I run down the hall, past an ocean of blurring faces and loud noise drowning my senses.

Please
please
please
please—

Someone bumps into me as I struggle past the crowd but I pay no attention to their shout. I elbow people out of my way as I thrash, run through the mass of bodies.

If he’s not here—

The nearest Go train slides through the terminal, blowing bitter wind into our faces as it pulls to a grinding, screeching halt. The smell of rusting metal and sweat is in the air as people wait for the door to slide open.

I turn, my hair almost whipping into my eyes as I crane my neck to look for his face. A man in a suit jabbers into his phone off to the side, there’s a family of three, a woman pulling her purse up, two teenage boys laughing.

A sudden thought seeps into my mind. What if he’s already gone?

What if I’m too late?

I feel like I can’t breathe. Like all air had been sucked out of my body and my throat is completely closed.

And suddenly, I see a flashback before my eyes.