Chasing Beautiful (Chasing Series #1) (11 page)

He
was enjoying this. His eyes were dancing with amusement.

Asshat!

“
Blake—can you please put a shirt on?
” I demanded petulantly. I didn’t think my hormones could take another dose of this exuberant display of masculine perfection.

He just gave me
a devilish smile and teasingly said, “Is it too much for you, Sienna? You just say the word and we can remedy that problem
immediately
.” 

I shrugged.
What word? How about three words? Let’s just fuck?

“Thought you needed a reminder—
that
we’ll be EXPLOSIVE together
.” That hoarse, gruff voice again. It was making my body hum like no other. “But I want your all, poppet.”     

Don’t I know it
!

“Baby steps
Blake.” There was no doubt in my mind that
we will be explosive
. But I was trying to delay the inevitable. Once I let him in, there was no going back. There was no doubt in my mind that he would take everything—he would consume me with no concession.

It would be easy to fall for Blake. Most women did.

I w
ould be vulnerable.

O
pen.

D
efenseless.

“Loser
” I proclaimed with a little victory dance, hands waving high and hips swaying.

“Don’t count your eggs
yet
, two more games to go.” Blake declared playfully.

We were playing
Scrabble.
I’ll show him who’s the BOSS!

I won two-to-one and he was a little annoyed because I kept teasing him.
This was the second time I won a round with him and we played possibly a hundred games all together. I was ecstatic and victorious!

I was dancing one of my victory dan
ces again when he pulled me to the couch and tickled me until I was out of breath. Panting loudly as my thoughts provoked.

I badly wanted
him to kiss me again, but he never tried. I wouldn’t beg, though I was dying inside. It was as if the incident this morning never happened.

How does he switch off like that? Hot and smoldering
one second, to casual and friendly the next?

S
tanding in the open built-in wine cellar, I was biting and twisting my lips in frustration. My indecisiveness contemplated for the umpteenth time as to what kind of red wine to drink when he snaked his arm over my shoulder and grabbed his preferred wine.

“
Do you feel like a bottle of Barolo?” Blake asked, so close to my ear. His question barely registered because I was hyperventilating.

I cleared my throat before I responded with a steady sounding voice.
“I was actually thinking of Pinot Noir or
that
—but you’ve made up my mind. Go get the wine ready. I’ll go fetch the popcorn, Parisian cake and the fruits.”

I could get used to this domesticated scene with Blake.
He was so easy to be around—charming, thoughtful, witty
and sexy
—but most of all, he made me laugh.

It would
n’t be difficult to fall in love with him.

We
watched another movie, our third one today.
Love Actually
, one of our favorite movies. It was funny, sad and heart-warming at the same time.

I
snuggled close, drawing his heat and the need to be near him. He pulled me closer and placed my head against his strong, solid chest and held me firmly.

I listened to his heart
, beating steadily, closing my eyes as he started to stroke my arm gently and I sighed with blissful contentment.

Life certainly
was starting again, whether I wanted it to or not.

The sound of my ring tone blaring jolted me awake. I was about to reach for my phone when it sud
denly dawned on me that there was a strong, heavy arm clutching my waist.

Blake.

I turned around to see if the noise woke him up, but his steady breathing showed he was fast asleep. I unhooked his draping arm carefully as I slid off the bed, grabbed my phone from the side table and left the bedroom as I softly made my way to the living room.

Why did Blake sleep next to me?
He didn’t last night.

Either way, I was happy he did.

The entire flat was dark, but the moonlight helped me find my way around. When my toe touched the plush, black area rug, I opened my phone to see who the caller was.

Who would call me
at this time of night? Luce? Jen?

Kyle.
It was him. Again.

I might as well get this out of the way if I have
to start considering being with Blake.
It was best to clear out as much “Kyle baggage” as I could. The other issues I had still needed to be worked on. I’d have to talk to Chad, my gay go-to person and a very dear friend about this. He’s my unofficial therapist.

After a couple of rings, he picked up.

“God, Sienna! I’ve been going crazy here!
Are you okay, baby
?” Kyle sounded frantic and like
he
was going crazy.

Why is he still pursuing this issue? He made it perfectly
obvious what his intentions were the last time I saw him.

“Yeah, Kyle, I’m great! This call better be important if you had to wake me up at
FOUR
in the morning. So, what do you want, Matthews?” I sounded like how I felt, furious and annoyed.

“Jesus, baby, take it easy—will you? I’ve been trying to reach you, but you’ve been ignori—
”

“It was done with
good reason, Kyle! I told you—very clearly in fact—not to contact me again. But
no, no, no
! You never listen to me. I’m hurting—that’s a given. It wasn’t just our dating relationship that ended—I lost my childhood best friend too!
So, am I okay with that
? Not really, but it was
your
choice. It was
your
choice to go behind my back—
cheat
—and start dating Brooke before having the decency—
like other men do
—to simply break-up with their girlfriend first!” shrieking with erupting anger.

I heard him sigh, heavy and pained.

“I’m sorry, Sienna
, baby
—I’ve been missing you so badly—I’ve been drinking non-stop and got a DUI. I had a hard time handling things without you.
I am hurting too
. You left me, even if it was for school…but you left and went on with your life without me. When you called happy and excited about your day,
I felt left out
—it was you and me against the world since we were kids—but in the end… there was
just me
. I was lonely—I needed you—but I couldn’t beg you to give up your life for me—you already went through so much with your family—I can’t ask it of you. Breaking it off was the best thing to do…then—and I was getting by….trying to live my life… working harder on my career—and it was helping and for the first time since we said our goodbyes at the airport—I felt like I was living again.” He drew air in his lungs before continuing.
Crap.

“
When you showed up at Katie’s party, everything went down the drain… all the things I told myself that helped me get through…were forgotten from the moment I saw you again...You looked even more beautiful…,” he sounded choked up, his thoughts and feelings unconcealed.

M
y stomach churned.

“
I simply wanted you—
I needed you, I still need you, Sienna
—like air to breathe. You’re my life and I can’t simply go on living and not be with you. Without you in it—I’m in hell.
I’m desperate for you…
and without a doubt…in my mind, my heart that I’m
still hopelessly in love
with you, Sienna,” his voice barely a whisper. I wouldn’t have heard him if the apartment wasn’t so eerily quiet.

Oh Kyle!
This conversation’s killing me inside. He’s dying from pain.
I felt it. I felt his pain and it tore me up inside because I didn’t want him to hurt.
I love him—but I can’t—I’m beyond hurt.
The man, who I placed so highly on the pedestal, crushingly betrayed me and appallingly let me down. That was something I couldn’t get past, or forget about.

I sighed with a heavy heart,
the weight pulling me down, “Kyle…”

“Sienna…,” his voice gruff and anguished,
“please,—please—I beg you—all these years I never asked much from you, but I’m begging you now—give me another chance—let’s give us another shot. I won’t let you down this time. I promise you I’ll figure it out—speak to Dad and work in our branch in London—I’ll do anything—
I’ll promise you anything
—just please, think about it? We can get married, if you want…I’d give anything to have you back…just please, Sienna, forgive me—and love me again.” 

He sounded so broken and extremely
desperate.     

I sat on the floor leaning on the couch, my lips quivered.
What he said —broke me in two.  If he had come clean and was honest about his feelings, we wouldn’t have broken up. We would still be together. Plan our lives, get married and have babies. It was what we talked about. He threw that out the window because he was lonely.

I was too
for the whole time we were apart, but I didn’t act on it. What I wanted most was trust, honesty and loyalty. And Kyle lost on all three counts.

Can I take him back?
Even if—I try to see if it could work out—after what he’s done—I could, possibly, if he showed remorse and guilt. I might’ve before—before Blake told me how he felt about me. Hold on, did he say anything about what he felt? Besides wanting me? No. He hadn’t. His intentions were clear though. He wanted me, in his bed, but other than that—he never spoke about any indication about the future. It was sex he was after—my whole cooperation but not once did he mention he was after my heart.

I mentally shook my head.

It doesn’t matter.

My heart
was not up for anyone to grab. Love makes you weak and open for pain and suffering.

Never again!
I took a chance with Kyle because he was everything to me then, but he reinstated my beliefs by proving them right.

“Kyle….I forgive you
, I do…It would have been easier for us if you told me about your feelings then—how terrible it was for you, but you were silent, never uttering a word to me about your pain—and I’m sorry for that… I am. But asking me to give us another try? That’s a bit too much. I can’t trust you. I was hurt and still am. I’m so sorry—for everything, but it’s all too late now—I can’t be with you,” my voice trembled, each word punctured me deeply.

Never in a million years had I imagined that I
would cause Kyle pain and suffering. I wanted him to be happy and to take all that pain away. He means that much to me, but I can’t sacrifice myself for his happiness.