Chasing Hope (20 page)

“Sure. Do you want to go check out the garden first?”

“No. I think I’ve had enough excitement for one outing.”

They got back into the elevator. After the door closed and they were alone, her mother said, “That was someone you know from school?”

“Yes.”

“She seemed like a nice girl.”

“She is.” And in truth, Cassie was a nice girl. But somehow Sabrina felt very vulnerable about running into her today. She shook her head. She was just being paranoid.

B
randy made her way up the hospital stairs. The morning’s workout barked at her with each step, her quads and calves already growing sore. But because Sabrina had called and asked if she would come over, none of that mattered. She’d hurried over, a little afraid of what she was going to hear, but more relieved that Sabrina wanted to talk.

A half-dozen gadgets littered the hallway. Poles with some sort of mechanical boxes on them and IV bags hanging above, large rolling cabinets, wheelchairs, and at the far end of the hall a stretcher sat outside a room. She stood outside Sabrina’s door for just a moment, trying to decide if she should knock or just walk in.

She knocked softly but didn’t hear any kind of response. Then she knocked a little louder. Finally, she pushed at the door and knocked at the same time. “Oh, come in, come in.” Sabrina’s mother was rearranging some clothes in the little closet, but she
leaned out and smiled. “Brandy, I’m glad you could come. I know Sabrina is anxious to talk to you.”

“Where is she?” Brandy looked at the empty bed, confused.

“Oh, she’s just in the bathroom. She’ll be out any second, but it takes a lot longer to get around when you’ve got to drag an IV pole everywhere you go.”

“Not to mention avoid getting tangled in any of the lines.” Sabrina came through the bathroom door just then, pushing her IV pole in front of her.

“I’m going out to the lobby for a minute to make a few phone calls. You girls enjoy your visit.” And just like that, Sabrina’s mom disappeared out the door, leaving the two of them alone.

“Thanks for coming.” Sabrina shuffled her way over to the wall beside her bed, where she plugged in a three-pronged extension cord that led to the box on her IV pole. She sat on the bed’s edge, her feet dangling just above the floor. “So, as I recall, you had something you wanted to say to me on Wednesday morning.”

“Yes, yes I did. I wanted to say that I am so sorry.” And once Brandy started, the words just tumbled out of her mouth, out of control. “I should have come by your house, or called at least, that night after the race. But I just couldn’t face you. I blew it, I know I did. There are lots of excuses I could give you, but the truth is, the pressure just got to me and I caved in. It was wrong. I’d give everything I have to go back and do things differently, but the fact is I can’t. It was just so stupid, what I did.”

“Yes. It was.” Sabrina didn’t seem angry, exactly, but her eyes looked so flat . . . hard, almost.

Brandy wasn’t sure what else she should say. Her grandmother had told her that Sabrina had some weird kind of lung infection, but she wasn’t sure if she was supposed to know about it. Still, she couldn’t just ignore it. Finally, she settled for, “So . . . how are things going with you?”

Sabrina shrugged. “All right. I’ve got to stay in the hospital for a couple more days until some tests come back and they decide the best course of treatment. It’ll put me behind at school, but I’ve got all my books here.” She nodded toward a pile of thick textbooks. “What about you? How are things?”

“Good. Just the usual, you know. Hanging out.” She paused for a second, not knowing why she had felt it necessary to try to play it cool in front of Sabrina. “I’m still running.”

“So I heard.” Sabrina shifted and looked out the window. “Nana told me you put in quite the workout this morning.”

Brandy knew her mouth had dropped open. “Really? She saw that?”

“She saw enough to say that you almost killed yourself.” Sabrina smiled and looked back toward her. “She said you reminded her of me in the old days.”

It wasn’t until that moment that the full force of what Sabrina had lost to arthritis truly hit her. To have worked that hard, to have endured so many long and painful workouts, years’ worth, to have given up other opportunities . . . and then for it all to be taken away by something she couldn’t control. Not because she wasn’t good enough or didn’t work hard enough, but just because. It was so unfair. “I wish you were still running.” The words had no sooner left her mouth than Brandy realized how awful that might have sounded. “I mean . . . I wish you were still healthy.” Urg! Could she dig herself any deeper into stupid?

“Me too.” It was stated as a fact. Nothing more. Nothing less.

A beeping came from Sabrina’s bedside, loud and high pitched. Sabrina reached for the mechanical box on her IV pole and pressed a button. “This thing drives me crazy.”

“What does it mean?”

“The IV isn’t flowing quite right for one reason or another. In
a minute I’ll call the nurse to look at it. But right now, I want to talk to you about a new training schedule.”

Brandy waited for the rest of the sentence, the bad news. But Sabrina said nothing else. “You mean . . . you’re going to help me again?”

“To tell you the truth, I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I didn’t mean to, I’ll tell you that, but for some reason I can’t seem to help myself.” She sort of smiled. “For now, I’ve revised your schedule, but obviously I’m not going to be there for the next few days. It’s going to be up to you to push yourself. If you slack off on the back side of the block, I won’t be there to call you on it.”

“I won’t, I promise.”

“Good. Now let me find that chart I made for you.” Sabrina opened the drawer on her bedside table and brought out a piece of paper with hand-drawn columns. “As soon as I get back home, I’ll print out the official version, but this will have to do for now. This is your schedule for the next two weeks. After that, well . . . we’ll see what happens.”

Brandy’s eyes burned, something totally uncharacteristic for her. Especially when it involved someone telling her what to do. “Thank you. For giving me another chance. I promise I won’t let you down this time.”

“I hope you won’t. Your grandmother believes in you and in spite of myself, I believe in you, too. You’ve just got to believe in yourself enough to stick it out.”

The IV started beeping again. Sabrina reached out and quieted it, then pushed the nurse’s call button.

A voice came from the speaker just above her bed. “Can I help you?”

“My IV is beeping.”

“I’ll let your nurse know.”

“Thanks.” Sabrina turned back to Brandy now. “All right, you’ve got some training to do. And take good care of your grandmother, too. She deserves it.”

“I know. I will.”

As Brandy walked out to the parking lot, and even long after that, Sabrina’s words rang through her mind over and over again. “I believe in you.”

M
onday evening, Sabrina’s father arrived with a worried look on his face. He’d been in the room only a few minutes when the door swung open and Dr. Freeman, the infectious disease specialist, came to stand at the end of Sabrina’s bed. “We’ve got a definitive diagnosis. I have just spoken with the pathologist and we are ready to move forward with treatment.”

“Thank goodness. Will I be able to go home now?”

“Maybe by the end of the week. We want to start you out on IV treatment before we switch you over to oral meds.” She looked down at the chart.

“Couldn’t we just begin with the oral stuff? I really need to get back to class this week.”

Dr. Freeman nodded. “You really need to get this infection under control, too. It has the potential to be very serious, especially given your immune-suppressed state. We are going to treat you especially aggressively.”

“Great, just great.” Sabrina sighed, then looked toward Dr.
Freeman. “Sorry, didn’t mean to whine. What’s the plan and how soon can we get this started?”

“I’m starting the paper work now, but it will take a while to get it in motion. The plan, first off, is to keep you off your arthritis meds other than naproxen for pain and inflammation. We absolutely cannot afford to suppress your immune system right now. We are going to start you out on an IV medication that has the broadest range of coverage for this type of disease. The drug is called amphotericin, but I must be honest. Among the medical community, it is known as ampho-terrible.”

“I don’t like the sound of that.” Mom’s eyes were huge with worry.

“Do whatever you have to do. Let’s just get this show on the road.” Sabrina would take anything just to get her treatment started and to get out of this place.

It was five hours later before all the procedures had been met and the nurse brought in the first bottle of IV medication. “There are lots of side effects with this one. I know we’ve gone over all of them with you, but push your call button and we’ll help you with what we can. I’m going to stay in here with you for the first few minutes and make sure everything is okay.”

“Sure.” A minute later what felt like fire entered Sabrina’s arm. She reached up and put her hand just below her IV line out of instinct, taking a deep breath. She supposed there was nothing to do but withstand it, but this hurt.

“Is it burning?”

“Yes.”

The nurse pulled out a plastic pack, bent it to break something inside, and put it on Sabrina’s arm. “Try this. Heat usually helps.”

And it did. To some degree.

Then the shakes started. Whole body, uncontrollable shakes.

Somewhere during the six-hour long ordeal, Sabrina’s father
took a seat right beside the bed, and every few minutes he would jump up to get a new heating pack for her arm in an effort to stop the burning.

Though she’d long ago let herself get lost in the pain and fire and shaking, she could feel him beside her. He’d put his head on the side of the bed and rubbed Sabrina’s arms, and she swore she heard him mumbling the words “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

A
couple of days later, Sabrina’s stomach began to cramp as she tried to eat her lunch. She stopped eating and lay back on her bed, wondering when all this was going to be over. In the last twenty-four hours, a rash had begun to creep up her neck and across her face. The doctor said it was a drug reaction—not an allergy, just a side effect. Now it looked as if they could add upset stomach to the list. She pushed the tray away from her and closed her eyes. Her bedside phone rang, as it did almost constantly. She didn’t even open her eyes, but said to her mother, “Will you tell everyone I don’t feel like company today?”

“Of course I will.” The phone scraped across the tray. “Hello.”

There was a pause for a moment and then her mother explained to whoever it was that Sabrina wasn’t feeling well and that it probably wouldn’t be a good time to come by. “Yes, I’ll tell her you called. I know she’ll be glad to see you when she’s feeling better.”

“Who was it?” Sabrina never bothered to open her eyes.

“Koen.”

Koen. He’d been by every day since that first visit. He’d brought
assignment lists for her classes and he’d brought his own books, too, although he had yet to open one. Mostly, he’d chatted and worked on keeping things upbeat, in spite of the side effects Sabrina was muddling through. It was just as well he wasn’t coming today. She certainly wasn’t up to being anything close to charming, and to say that she looked a complete wreck was beyond an understatement. How she wanted her old life back, to be out of here and in her normal routine.

For the first time since this all started, Sabrina had no intention of doing homework today. She felt weak. Her stomach hurt. Finally, she opened her eyes and switched on the television. After flipping through the channels, she settled on a
Say Yes to the Dress
marathon. Her mother sat beside her in her chair and watched silently. She reached over to put her hand on Sabrina’s arm and the two of them simply sat, unmoving.

They were halfway through the third episode, one where the bride loved a dress, but her overbearing maid of honor was being really rude in her voicing of her dislike, when Dr. Freeman came into the room. “How are you feeling, Sabrina?”

“Fine.” There was no reason to complain.

“I heard you didn’t eat much lunch.”

She shrugged. “I’ve got a stomachache.”

Dr. Freeman nodded. “I see.” She came over and began poking and prodding Sabrina’s abdomen. “Does this hurt? Does this?”

After a few minutes, she seemed convinced that it was nothing more than a routine stomachache. “Your last set of labs just came back. Your serum creatinine has been climbing every day since we started amphotericin. Today, I have no choice but to make the decision to discontinue the drug.”

Sabrina’s mother scooted to the edge of her chair. “What does that mean? It’s kidney function, right?”

“Yes.”

“So, does this mean permanent damage, or will her kidneys get back to normal? What about the infection?”

“As far as her kidneys go, it is likely that they will recover. Only time will tell for sure, but I’m optimistic. As for her treatment, I’m going to change her to the oral medication that I had planned to put her on when we discharged her. This is a little sooner than I’d hoped, but at this point there’s just no choice.”

“Can’t say I’m sorry to see that one stopped.” Sabrina could almost cry with relief at the thought of not having to put up with the excruciating burning in her veins during tonight’s amphotericin infusion. Still, the rash that now covered her neck and back was there to let her know that she was not going to be completely free of its side effects for a while yet. “Let’s get rolling on the new med so we can take this party back to Nana’s house—not that the accommodations here aren’t fabulous, mind you.” She used every bit of energy she possessed to make a believable expression of bravado as she pumped her fist in the air.

The doctor reached down and squeezed Sabrina’s foot. “You’ve always got such a positive attitude.” She made some notes on the chart. “The good news is, you should experience significantly less side effects on the new medication.”

“I’m all for that.” Sabrina watched her walk from the room, then turned the sound back up on the TV. By now, the bridal shop owner had stepped in and helped the bride shut down her bossy maid of honor. The dress had been decided upon and everyone was going home happy.

Sabrina was tired—tired of trying to smile through the pain and tired of putting on a happy face for everyone. She was glad that it was just her and Mom, and she didn’t have to pretend to be anything for the rest of the day.

A soft knock sounded at the door. Sabrina tried not to groan, wondering whether it was another lab tech looking to draw blood,
or perhaps the pharmacy coming to check the IV levels in the current drip going into her arms.

Koen peeked around the doorframe. “I know you don’t feel like entertaining, but I just had to come see you.” He grinned nervously as he looked back and forth between Sabrina and her mother.

Sabrina realized how happy she was he’d dared to come. “Come on in, if you’re feeling brave. I warn you, though, it’s not pretty in here.” She waved her hand over her cheek, game-show style, highlighting the increased rash since yesterday.

He walked closer and bent over to look at her, seemingly holding his breath. After a few seconds, he nodded his head a single time. “I’m saying that shade of red blotch looks good on you.”

Sabrina actually laughed. A true, happy, not forced laugh. “Have a seat if you’re not afraid to stay a while.”

“Wait, I brought you something.” He put his backpack on the floor and pulled out a stuffed polar bear. The bear had a ribbon around his neck, which Koen proceeded to use to hang him on the IV pole. “He’s a ‘pole-r bear,’ get it?”

Sabrina groaned. “Don’t make me ask you to leave. I think I’ll call him . . .” She paused, looked at Koen, then worked up a grin, “Frederick.”

“Tough crowd.” He looked up at the TV and said, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I’ll be quiet.”

Without another word he came to sit in the chair on the opposite side of the bed from her mother. He leaned over and took Sabrina’s hand, and for the next two hours, sat in complete silence and simply watched TV with her.

Sabrina felt the soft pressure of his hand on hers, thought about how completely bored he must be, and marveled at how he had the sensitivity to just sit quietly and be with her.

When the attendant arrived with her dinner tray, Koen stood
up, kissed Sabrina on the forehead, and said, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Thank you.” Never in her life had those words meant more.

He stopped at the door and turned back to look at her. Just for a moment their eyes met. He blinked once and looked away. “You’re welcome.” And then he was gone.