Chasing the Stars (48 page)

God! Everyone was right about me. I was pathetic. I couldn’t even perform my first transfer without puking.

Subdued sickly yellow lighting and a smell like rotting meat struck me next. Still feeling sick but knowing I didn’t have much time, I forced myself to turn through three hundred and sixty degrees, wanting to record as much as possible. That smell really was disgusting. It was catching in the back of my throat and something in the air was tickling my nose. I sneezed, then coughed. I couldn’t help it.

That’s when I heard it.

A clicking, chirping sound that was approaching at speed. I ducked down behind one of the suspended capsules, but too late. I heard a scrambling noise, then a face was looking at me from the top of the capsule I was hiding behind. A face like nothing I’d ever seen before. I cried out as a limb from the creature stretched out towards me. Flailing in terror, I knocked the creature’s arm away. The squeezing, pulling sensation was back. A second later, I was in my room again.

But I’d been seen.

I’m so sorry.

I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I deserve what’s happening to me, but it’s so unfair that others are beginning to suffer for my mistake. And if anything happens to Olivia, I’ll never forgive myself. She’s my sister. It’s my job to protect her. She’s the only one who has always been on my side and at my side, no matter what. I wouldn’t tell her this but she really is the best sister in the world.

She’s sitting with me now, fast asleep in the chair beside my bed. She’s exhausted but she won’t leave the medi bay until I do.

When I get well, I swear I’ll never let her down again. I will look after her and protect her and never let anyone harm her. I’ll be a proper brother.

I’m tired.

Time to sleep.

The recording ended. Silence reigned. Vee was looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to speak.

I was missing something.

‘Are you seriously telling me that the hostilities between the Mazon and humans started because your brother transferred onto their ship for a few seconds?’ I asked, unconvinced. ‘Even the Mazon can’t be that petty.’

‘When Aidan returned to our ship, he brought back a Mazon virus. He infected the entire crew,’ said Vee. ‘There were seventy of us before Aidan went onto the Mazon ship. Less than a month later, there was just me.’

‘That’s what killed the crew – including your parents?’ I asked, aghast.

Vee nodded, her expression grim.

‘Oh my God! But I still don’t see what that has to do with the war between Earth and the Mazon,’ I frowned.

‘Nathan, viral infection didn’t just travel in one direction,’ Vee said unhappily. ‘Aidan infected the Mazon with some virus or pathogen. Something completely harmless to humans.’

And only then did the whole truth begin to dawn on me. ‘Shit!’

‘Yeah.’ Vee confirmed my worse suspicions. ‘Sixty-nine people died on board this ship. Three
billion
Mazon died on their home planet because of a virus Aidan introduced onto one of their ships. Three billion. That’s why they hate us so much. I’ve tried since then to explain to them that it was a tragic mistake but they won’t believe it. They believe such devastation must’ve been the result of a deliberate human plot, instead of what it really was – a tragic accident.’

‘This is what you’ve been hiding from me for all this time,’ I realized.

‘It was my burden to bear, not yours,’ said Vee.

‘When we were joined, it became mine too,’ I pointed out. ‘You should’ve trusted me, Vee.’

‘You’re right. I should’ve,’ said Vee softly. ‘It should’ve been more than just a word between us. But what I’ve finally figured out is that love is an act of courage. After living in constant fear for the past three years, I had none. I spent my time alone using my wits to avoid confrontation, to survive. That didn’t change when I rescued all of you from Barros. I guess . . . I guess that’s why you and I failed. I wasn’t brave enough to believe in just the two of us because we were too new to hold onto.’

I hadn’t expected that response. I guess we’d both grown up a lot over the last few weeks. Too little. Too late?

‘This Mazon war, this whole damn mess was the result of one catastrophic mistake,’ sighed Vee. ‘My brother paid for that mistake with his life. Hundreds of thousands of drones and Mazon have been paying for it ever since. That’s part of the reason why I wanted to help you and the other colonists reach Mendela Prime. And that’s the reason why I can’t travel with you now.’

‘Vee, none of this was your fault,’ I said. ‘You can’t spend the rest of your life trying to make up for this.’

‘That’s not what my head tells me,’ Vee replied.

I placed a hand under Vee’s chin to tilt her head. I had to try and make her believe me. ‘It wasn’t your fault.’

Vee licked her lips. She tried to smile and failed miserably. ‘Thank you for making me share this. It’s good that someone else knows the truth and I’d rather it was you than anyone else.’ She exhaled softly and I could feel her warm breath against my skin.

Vee looked at me with complete trust in her eyes. And her lips were so close to mine. What had happened to all the air in the room? Should I kiss her? One last kiss for old times’ sake? Reluctantly I dropped my hand back down to my side and drew back. It wouldn’t be fair to take advantage when she was vulnerable.

Mum’s question in the bar replayed in my mind.

Nathan, do you still love Vee?

I still didn’t know the answer.

There was a time when I loved the stars. Once I could stare at them for hours – watching them, wishing on them, dreaming about them. They represented potential. Possibilities.

Not any more.

Now, I was sick of the sight of them. You didn’t need water to drown. Emptiness was just as effective. More so. You didn’t need to touch it, feel it, breathe it, to be engulfed by it. It swallowed you whole and spat you out, only to swallow you down again.

I’d been swallowed whole and spat out so many times over the last few years, but there had always been a light on the horizon called Earth, a goal called home. It might’ve been far away but it’d been there. Now I was alone again, just me and my ship called the
EV Aidan
which would serve as a constant reminder of my brother. I belonged nowhere. I had nothing. And for all my talk, I knew the chances of making it back to Earth’s solar system in one piece without my brother’s help were practically non-existent.

It was time to depart.

I had thought about leaving the Edwardes dock without saying goodbye to anyone but, after everything we’d all been through together, the commander and the other settlers deserved better from me than that.

So here I was on landing dock EB-09 with my ship ready to go behind me, and to my stunned amazement, all the colonists had turned up to say goodbye. I thought after everything that had happened, that maybe Anjuli and the commander would turn up and that would be it. They all stood in a line waiting for me to speak, but I had no clue what to say.

‘I . . . er . . . I want to tell each and every one of you that it has been an honour to have met you and to have worked alongside you. Er . . . we’ve had one or two differences . . .’ A few guffaws at that. ‘But I want you to know that if I had the chance to do it all again, I wouldn’t!’ More guffaws. ‘What I mean is, there’s a lot I would change, but I’m sincerely grateful to have met each and every one of you. I wish you all . . . peace and a place to call home.’ The words dried up after that, so I walked down the line of people, shaking their hands and wishing them well.

When I reached the commander, to my surprise she didn’t just take my hand, but hugged me tight. I hugged her back. I was going to miss her so much. She was what I hoped to be one day – if I lived long enough. She was the personification of grace under pressure.

Last in the line was Nathan. When I reached him, the others beat a discreet but hasty retreat. Within seconds we were the only ones left in this section of the landing dock. I tried to smile but it kept falling off my face so I gave up.

Our story might have had a very different ending if I hadn’t been overwhelmed by doubts and taken in by Aidan’s lies. I’d thrown away everything we had and worse still, everything we could be.

I knew now that Nathan would never forgive me, nor would I ever ask him to again. What I’d done was inexcusable. The fact that he was prepared to be alone with me and courteous on top of that was more than I deserved. In his shoes, I’m not sure I could’ve been so generous.

‘When do you set off for Mendela?’ I asked.

Nathan shrugged. ‘Within the next couple of hours. Mum is anxious for us to be on our way.’

I nodded. ‘And what will you do when you get there?’

‘No idea. It was never about the destination with me. I just wanted to be with someone who’d make the journey worthwhile,’ said Nathan quietly.

That could’ve been me.

‘What about you? Will you be OK?’ asked Nathan.

I nodded. ‘Of course. I intend to make trouble for the Authority wherever I go. I’m going to disrupt their trade routes and give them hell. I should be good at that.’

‘I don’t doubt it,’ Nathan said drily.

Pause.

‘I’ve dissolved our union,’ I said. ‘All you have to do is sign the declaration form in your personal log.’

Nathan said nothing, his expression was unreadable.

‘Your mum thought it would be for the best. She said you should be free to move on, unencumbered. Her word, not mine. I had to look it up,’ I admitted.

‘And what did you think?’

‘I think . . . no, I
know
you’ll meet someone to love and care for one day. You have a lot of love to give and if you ever decide you want to be joined again, you shouldn’t have to track me down or wait five years to dissolve our union first. I’m saving you a trip across the galaxy.’

‘Am I supposed to thank you?’

‘No. God, no.’ Why did he sound so . . . bitter? I was giving him what he wanted, wasn’t I? Why was this so hard? All I had were words and they were so inadequate. If I could’ve ripped my heart out of my chest and placed it still beating in his hands, then I would’ve done so. Maybe then he would feel for himself how truly sorry I was for everything that had happened.

‘Nathan, we had something really special, didn’t we – at least for a while?’ I said.

Even now I still couldn’t quite let go of the faint hope that Nathan would want to cling onto and fight for what we once had.

Moments passed before Nathan finally nodded. “Yeah, we did. For a while.’

Past tense. I tried to read Nathan’s expression but he was far better at masking his feelings than I was.

‘Thank you for making me feel so loved – for a while.’

Nathan slowly shook his head. ‘Well, even that turned round to bite me, didn’t it?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I needed you, Vee. Just holding you close made me feel . . . at peace. But because I couldn’t keep my hands off you, you took that to mean I couldn’t keep my hands off anyone,’ said Nathan.

‘Well, you were kinda insatiable,’ I pointed out.

‘Only for you, Olivia. Only for you,’ said Nathan. ‘I thought you understood that, but you didn’t.’

I bowed my head. Just one more thing to add to the list of all the things I’d screwed up since I’d met Nathan.

‘It wasn’t just about sex, Nathan. You made me feel special in so many ways.’ I looked into Nathan’s eyes, making a final memory. ‘You stood beside me and in front of me and you had my back and you cared for me like no one else. That’s what I’m thanking you for.’

Nathan looked at me but he didn’t speak. Moments passed as we watched each other. Our ending was rushing towards us and there was nothing I could do about it.

‘I’m sorry we didn’t work out, Nathan,’ I whispered.

‘So am I. D’you remember all the promises we made to each other during our first night together?’ Nathan asked.

‘Of course. But we live in a universe of broken promises. You promised to love me for ever and it was implied, though never stated, that I wouldn’t try to kill you.’ I smiled.

Nathan’s mouth fell open. Then he chuckled. ‘Your sense of humour will be the death of me.’

‘So I didn’t need Aidan after all,’ I mused. ‘
Now
he tells me.’

We both started to smile and it was shared and genuine though it didn’t last long. The need to wrap my arms around Nathan and hold him close was almost overwhelming. So much so that I had to press my hands into my thighs before I embarrassed myself. But what the hell? Embarrassment was the least of my worries at that moment.

‘Nathan, can I make one last request?’ I asked.

‘Anything,’ Nathan replied softly.

I moved as close to him as I could. ‘Kiss me,’ I whispered.

A moment’s silence and then Nathan’s mouth was on mine. I closed my eyes, allowing myself to get lost in that one last special moment, Nathan wrapped his arms around me, his mouth slanting on mine. I buried my hands in his hair, pulling him closer. But all too soon it was over. Almost reluctantly, Nathan stepped away from me. I looked at him, drinking him in. I had to say it. Just once, I had to say the words.