Chasing William (5 page)

“
A true friend and an honest
man are worth their weight in gold.”

My parents couldn’t have been more excited
when I told them the girls are coming over. I guess it really has
been awhile since I was actively social. I know most teens lie to
their parents so they can get away with stuff, but sometimes I want
to lie to them to make them feel better, like lie that I am going
to a party and then sneak back into my room to do homework or
something. But tonight I have plans for real. It is the night of my
little group gathering and I’m starting to think I’ve been putting
way too much importance on such a little event. I guess I’m just
trying to be an optimist about something. I haven’t done anything
with my friends outside of school since the summer. That could be
the reason I feel so out of touch… Well…it could.

I get back from school and try to make our
basement look festive. There really isn’t that much I can do, so I
just make sure it looks clean and there are plenty of movies to
pick from. We never really watched the movies though; we’d start
with the best of intentions but someone would always remember
something they just had to share, and the best of intentions would
go up in a cloud of gossip. I’d like to say I was better than all
that, but I wasn’t. I was just as bad as the next girl. I loved
gossip. It doesn’t really appeal to me anymore -- once things get
put in the proper perspective you don’t want to go back -- but I
used to love gossip (or maybe I’m just worried people have been
talking about me). I used to live for it. I’m not really sure what
I’m living for anymore, but whatever it is I guess it has to be a
step up if it’s anything at all.

“Hey, girl!” Amanda bounds downstairs like
she’s actually excited to be here. She’s even early. “I forgot how
much I love your house. Why haven’t we gotten to hang out
more?”

“Must be because I’m always at work.” Yeah,
I know I’m a coward. I’m also tired. I don’t want to fight
anymore.

“Well, that won’t be an issue next year!
Here -- I brought some housing stuff to look through.”

Back in the good old days of freshman year,
Amanda and I decided we were going to be college roommates. We’d
been each other’s first friends in high school, so it made sense
we’d be friends in college too. We were planning to go to the same
state school because it was cheap and we didn’t know what to do
with ourselves. It had seemed like such a perfect fit. I haven’t
really been thinking about school much anymore and I certainly
hadn’t thought Amanda would still be up for the rooming-together
thing. It would be nice to go to a school where I knew someone. The
college decision would be finished, and that was one less thing to
worry about. I pick up the glossy brochure Amanda tosses at me.

“Now, I’m thinking we should request a co-ed
floor, so that way we can live on the same floor as Jake and his
roommate. That’d make it, like, the best year ever!”

Jake. I’d almost forgotten about Jake. He
hadn’t been around freshman year. I always thought it was my
relationship with William that had started to break my bond with
Amanda, but I’d never stopped to think about Amanda and Jake. We
all thought she was just his rebound girl the way he’d been going
through girls, but something had stuck and he stayed around. Amanda
was constantly in contact with him. She texted him all day at
school, called him from her car on the way home, and found ways to
get to his house every day after school. I’m not sure if things
would have been the same with me and William if life had been
different, but I’d like to think so. I’m not sure how Amanda found
time to do anything but be his girlfriend. I guess it wasn’t that
bad if she was happy, but I don’t think I’d survive living with the
two of them for a year. Maybe if William was alive. But he’s
not.

“There’s no way of knowing we’d all be on
the same floor. Besides, it might be nice to get to know some other
people.”

“For you, but me and Jake don’t need any
more people. We’re happy with just each other.”

“Um, okay.” What’s the point. Really. She’ll
hate me by next week anyway.

“This is going to be so much fun next year!
Jake’s mom has all sorts of dorm room stuff for us. You know she
has all boys but she just loves buying cute stuff so she got all
this stuff for me to take. You’ll just love it. We won’t have to
buy anything for our room!”

“Wait, but…” My mind is having a little
trouble understanding what’s going on here. I’m normally a pretty
perceptive person, but this is one of those times where I want to
slow down and take a mental breath. “So, your boyfriend’s mom
bought the stuff for our dorm?”

“Do you have a problem with that? I mean,
that’s pretty fuckin’ nice.”

“Yeah. But don’t you want to pick it out
together? Have a Target day or something?”

“Seriously, Crissy, learn to listen. I did
that part.”

“With Jake’s mom?”

“Now you’ve got it.” She gives me a nice,
slow clap.

“I guess we can always exchange stuff if it
really doesn’t work.”

“It’ll be great, Crissy!” Amanda smiles and
she just seems so happy. I guess I really can’t complain about
free, and it’s nice Amanda has a mom figure. Her mom as good as
walked out even though they live in the same house. The only time
I’ve ever actually seen proof Amanda doesn’t live alone is when her
parents come out of hiding long enough to scream at each other. She
probably needed Jake’s family more than she needed Jake. Of course,
she could just as easily take after her mom and need a man more
than she needs anything else. I don’t think that’s the case,
though.

“Well, let me go grab my laptop and we can
look at rooms. Maybe we can play with a layout or something since
you know what kind of stuff we’ll have?” I can’t help it. When
Amanda’s in a good mood it’s infectious. Yeah, I wish I didn’t
always have to give in, but I don’t care that much, and if it gets
me my friend back it’s gotta be worth it.

“Here, if we loft our beds we’ll have a lot
more room.” Amanda sketches out a room plan based on the layout we
found on the university website. It is actually kind of fun,
planning for the future. I’m not even bothered when Amanda would
checks her phone every five minutes to see if Jake texted her.

“Yeah, that sounds great. We could even
build a little fort somewhere and have a
get-away-from-the-rest-of-the-world space.” I’m feeling excited
now. This could work. This could be okay.

“And I bet I could guilt my mom into buying
a T.V. since Jake’s mom already got me so much.”

“We could build our own entertainment
center! Have, like, a personal mini-movie theater. I bet my dad
would let me take a nice selection of movies with me.”

“It’ll be so awesome! We’ll put the guys’
room to shame!”

Amanda and I burst into a fit of laughter. I
don’t think we’ve laughed together like that since we met William
and Jake. I wouldn’t have given up any of my time with William, and
because of that I can’t really blame Amanda for spending so much
time with Jake. Still, this time with just the two of us, being
girls and friends and talking about helping each other get through
the future, it reminds me why we’d been friends to begin with. It
makes me wish we had more time to fix our friendship, that we’d
both paid a little more attention to it. It also makes me wonder
how long it would take before that feeling goes away. Everything
was only a matter of time.

“Hey, Christine?” Amanda lies down on the
floor and stares up at the ceiling.

“Yeah?” I lie down on the floor next to her
and look up at the ceiling myself. Yeah, I’d missed this.

“Do you ever get really nervous about what’s
going to happen when we get to college? Like maybe we aren’t ready
to be adults yet?”

“Are you kidding me! I’m even worried about
just making it through senior year. It’s like all these things are
changing and everyone is so busy changing themselves there isn’t
even a network to support us. Everyone is trying so hard to grow up
I feel like we’re leaving each other behind. It’s scary. But I
guess that’s what happens to everyone, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Amanda rolls to her side
and gets up off the floor. “I’m actually not worried. Just wanted
to see if you were. You’ve been acting so strange lately. I guess
it’s just because you don’t have a ‘Jake’ to go with you.”

Amanda hops on the sofa and starts
speed-texting. I guess she put in enough time trying to be nice to
me today. What makes it hurt the most was that we had actually
started opening up to each other and Amanda just shuts down when
Jake decides to talk. I’m not sure what I would do if William was
still alive and texting me, but he isn’t, and because he is dead I
have this new desire to keep everyone I care about even closer. I
wish it hadn’t taken losing William to realize it, and that I could
help Amanda understand. I miss my friend so much. She doesn’t seem
to care too much about me.

“Hey, hey, everyone!” Pru comes downstairs
and helps dissipate the mood. She travels everywhere with her
guitar. I’m not sure why. I guess it’s something left over from her
parents’ hippie past. “Doesn’t look like I missed much. I think Liz
and Mars are right behind me, so we should all be here soon.”

“Sweet! That means Crissy should get on
ordering that pizza.” Amanda doesn’t even look up from her phone. I
want to be angry and upset with her but I just keep thinking how
much I miss my friend. I’d had her back just minutes ago. It isn’t
fair.

“Hey! I brought food stuffs! The unhealthy
variety, of course.” Mars never went anywhere empty-handed, and she
always brought quality stuff. If her career as a pediatrician
extraordinaire didn’t work out she’d have a brilliant fall-back
option of pastry chef.

“Yup, why do you think I keep agreeing to
drive this chick everywhere? Who cares about gas money. She keeps
me overweight and stuffed with deliciousness. Would you believe she
had two tins of those cookies when she got in my car?” Liz winks
and follows Mars downstairs. She’s still loud but more subdued than
usual. I actually really like Liz when she’s taking life just a
little more seriously than usual (too bad that doesn’t happen more
often).

“Pizzas are on their way. We could always
have a reverse dinner and get the cookies first.” I’m feeling a
little more relaxed. Things are starting to feel normal again, even
if William is dead and Amanda has moved to a quieter corner to
text. I hate when people think they need quiet to text. Just
because you’re on your phone doesn’t mean you have to listen to it.
People almost never use their phones for vocal conversations
anymore.

“Pru, what’s with the guitar? Seriously,
does this look like a drum circle to you?” Liz puts the case on the
floor so she can sit on the couch.

“I just like having it here in case I get
inspired. Or in case anyone asks me to play. I could use the
practice.” Pru lets the unspoken request dangle in the air.

“I’d love to hear you play!” Mars is always
the one who gives her the okay. Not that the rest of us mind. Maybe
we should have gone out of our way to be a little more encouraging.
If I loved something as much as Pru loves her guitar I’d want to do
it all the time. Mars seems to be the only one who really
understood, maybe because she is the only other one of us to know
what her passion is.

“Yeah, Pru, it’s been awhile since we’ve all
heard you show off.” I smile so she knows I’m kidding. At least I
hope she knows I’m kidding. Sometimes people take things too
personally.

“Okay,” Pru smiles, not looking at all
offended. She looks excited as she picks up her guitar. She plays
classical guitar, an odd choice for a hippie-child, but it’s
impressive. I’ve never seen anyone’s hands move so fast so
gracefully. I wish I had that kind of talent.

“Seriously, Pru, knock it off! I have to
talk to Jake!” Amanda snarls from her corner. I guess she’s
switched from texting to talking after all. I’m not sure what it is
that bothers me so much about Amanda. Sure, she is a little bitchy
and I’m not too crazy about her boy (not that I have the greatest
taste either, apparently), but that isn’t all that bad when you
looked at the world as a whole. I think I might be jealous. Not
jealous of their relationship exactly, just jealous of their “we’re
in this together and the world is just perfect” bubble. I want that
back. It shouldn’t have been taken from me. I’m still a teenager;
we all are. It’s cruel how unfair life is sometimes, and it just
keeps getting worse.

“Sorry.” Pru mouths and she puts her guitar
away lovingly. She looks at that guitar like it’s a person, and of
all the people in the world I think she loves that one the most.
She looks sad though, a little hurt too. She didn’t mean upset
Amanda. She just wanted to play. We’d asked her to show off a
little. No wonder we are all starting to drift away and develop our
talents (at least those of us who have talents). This isn’t the
most supportive environment anymore.

Amanda rolls her eyes and goes back to her
phone call. She cups her hands over her mouth and the phone so we
can’t hear exactly what’s being said, but I hear a lot of “it’ll be
okays” being thrown around. Mars, Pru, Liz, and I all sit around in
a circle. Even Liz is afraid to talk and Mars is starting to look
upset. I don’t know what to do. I’ve had enough of being on
Amanda’s bad side but I feel like I have to say something. No one
else seems to want to go against her. It’s a little surprising
considering how many strong personalities are in the room. Maybe
she’s just always been our alpha. Every girl group is supposed to
have an alpha if you read any literature on the subject. She isn’t
doing a very good job of keeping our group together. If that’s even
what an alpha girl is supposed to do. Sometimes I think being a
teenage girl makes it impossible to really understand the rest of
us. I can’t even understand myself most of the time.