Chasing William (6 page)

“Amanda, you can take your phone call
upstairs if it’s really important. You didn’t need to snap at Pru
like she did something wrong. We’re here to hang out with each
other, not talk to our boyfriends. I’m pretty sure Jake can live
without you for a few hours.”

“Seriously, Cris, like you have a boyfriend
to call. Don’t be jealous.” Somehow she makes covering her cell
phone look like an insult. No one says anything or defends me, not
even Pru. I probably should have kept my mouth shut. “For your
information Jake is really beside himself and he needs someone to
talk to. ” I start to feel a little bad about being angry. “He lost
his brand-new cell phone and now he has to pay for the replacement.
I mean, it’s just not cool. It’s not even his fault he lost it.” I
don’t feel bad anymore. As far as tragedies go I really don’t think
a cell phone ranks the top of the list. I mean, he obviously has
something to call and text Amanda on. How can she not realize
that?

“So, how are everyone’s college plans
going?” Once Mars gets around to realizing a situation is awkward
she has to do whatever it takes to get things back to normal.

“Oh, yeah, um, I think I’m gonna try to get
into a conservatory. I’ve been practicing until my fingers bleed.
Which is hard because of how thick the calluses are.” Pru laughs
and looks uncomfortable.

“That’s cool. You’re lucky to know what you
want to do forever.”

“Seriously, guys, shut the fuck up!” Amanda
didn’t bother covering her phone this time.

The rest of us sit around staring at each
other. Even Liz is uncharacteristically quiet. I always thought Liz
would be the one to stand up to Amanda. The two of them have such
stand out personalities it seems like they’d be at odds. Yet they
aren’t. They get along fine. Liz doesn’t even look like she wants
to say anything. Amanda just keeps talking on her phone, not loud
enough for us to hear but loud enough so we know it’d be unwelcome
to start a conversation. The pizza comes and I bring it downstairs.
I think we all have some but I don’t remember eating any of it.

“Yeah, well, I’m going to go meet Jake.
There’s obviously not much going on here. Have you even turned on
the T.V. ? Some movie night.”

“Yeah, I guess it’s getting late,” Pru
mumbles, absentmindedly playing with the latches on her guitar
case.

Everyone makes some excuse to leave. I can’t
blame them. I want to leave too. Only nine o’clock. I guess I could
convince myself I have to get up early for work and that everything
worked out for the best, but I don’t want to. I wish no one would
leave, just let Amanda leave on her own and make her wonder what
she’s missing for a change. Why couldn’t that be the way things
worked? She decides to walk out and everyone follows. Leaving me
just as alone as before.

To:
William Davis

Message:
Hey Will. Hope you’re having
a better time wherever you are than I am here. Are you alone where
you are? I bet not. You probably always feel good and happy in
heaven. That’s what makes dying not so bad, or, I guess, what they
say makes it not so bad. I guess I have to believe in God and
heaven and that whole mess. It’d be a lot easier to accept if the
fortune cookies were talking. At least that’s a sign the universe
is listening (whoever controls it). Can you do anything to fix it?
I guess if you could, that would mean there is some kind of spirit
and be an answer all on its own. Funny how philosophical death can
make you.

I don’t even really need a sign. I just hate
feeling so alone. Having someone to talk to who talks back is
something I’ve really taken for granted. This has to get easier. It
can’t stay this impossibly hard for long. Growing up, figuring out
the future, grieving for you, moving on without you to hold my
hand. There’s a way to do all this, there has to be. Even if I have
to do it all alone. It doesn’t stay like this forever. Please, tell
me it doesn’t stay like this forever. It can’t stay like this
forever… I love you and miss you. Still.

“
The change of seasons is a
good time for changing other things.”

It is starting to get colder outside,
getting closer and closer to Christmas break. I haven’t had any
more movie nights in my basement, but I’m also busy at work and
school and everyone else is starting to freak out about graduation
and getting ready for college. Say what you will about high
schools, they really want us to be really prepared for college. All
the homework makes it hard to socialize. I guess they think it will
keep us from meeting dangerous boys and having sex or whatever
crazy things they think highschool seniors will do if not kept
properly busy. I’d thought about having sex with Will. I thought
he’d expect me to because he was reckless with everything else in
his life, but he never brought it up. He never laughed and said I
was just scared, he didn’t say I was immature, he didn’t try to
pressure me. In fact, the one time I tried to talk about it with
him, he looked at me very seriously and said he wasn’t ready for
that either, he had enough issues to work out on his own before he
could even think about making that kind of a commitment to someone
else. I always wondered why people were so hard on him. That seemed
like a pretty mature attitude to me.

I never felt closer to Will than I did that
night. I think that’s the night I started to learn about true love,
although, I’ve always been a little upset with myself about it too.
I mean, aren’t all these stories supposed to have a happy ending
when the secret girlfriend finds out she’s pregnant? I sometimes
think about the healing we could have had if I was having a baby.
Sure, my life would never be the same, but it isn’t the same
anyway. William’s mother would have a piece of him to hold onto,
and I’d have a piece of us to keep for the rest of my life. And yet
we’d been responsible. The one time we did the right thing. Just
another step in a long line of me playing it safe. Maybe that was
for the best, though.

I’m not sure why, but thinking about that
puts me in a bad mood on what is probably the worst day ever to be
in a bad mood. It is the four-month anniversary of William’s death,
but it still feels like I’d found out just hours ago and am stuck
in angry grief. Irrational, angry grief. It’s almost the end of the
day and all I want to do is get home and sit in my room. It would
stand to reason that now is the time I hear it.

“Yeah, my mom’s driving everybody home so
you don’t need to worry about a ride.”

I’m not in my right mental state; I’m way
too emotional. I know this. I also know that I have to teach Amanda
a lesson, I have to call her out, and I have to do it now.

“Hey, Amanda, what’s going on?” I’m shaking.
I’m so upset I’m actually shaking and I don’t know if it’s because
I miss William or because I’ve finally had enough with Amanda.

“Christine! Oh my god. Did no one tell you
again? I was wondering why you hadn’t asked for a ride. I can’t
believe this keeps happening. I’m so sorry!”

I notice she didn’t work an invitation in
there anywhere, and I feel myself shake even more and my mind
starts to cloud and I know I should shut up and walk away. For once
I don’t walk away and once I open my mouth I don’t know how to
stop.

“Oh, shut the hell up, Amanda. What’s your
problem with me, huh? What’s your problem, Amanda? You think I’m so
dumb I actually fall for all this bullshit you’re giving me? I’m
not an idiot. Besides, it doesn’t even take that much effort to see
through someone as shallow as you. Is it because I’m better in
English than you? Is that what this whole thing’s about? Or are you
just a bitch? I think you’re just a bitch. You must be, because you
sure as hell aren’t a friend of mine! Why weren’t you there with me
at his funeral if we’re supposed to be such great friends? Where
the hell were you when William died? He was my boyfriend and now
he’s dead, and where the fuck were you through the whole damn
thing? Where the fuck were you, Amanda? What’s your excuse for
that?” My throat is sore because I’ve been screaming and sobbing.
I’m still sobbing. I want to crawl into a locker and never come out
again. Everyone heard, there’s no way they didn’t. At least the
teachers are kind enough to not come out of their classrooms. I
have no idea what to do next and I never wanted me and William to
come out like this. I never wanted to use his death in anger. It
wasn’t something I wanted people to feel sorry for me about, or use
it to get attention. It had just become such a part of me and I’d
been so desperate to tell someone.

Amanda looks down at me. She isn’t even mad,
she just looks superior. It’s like she’d been waiting for me to
break and I’d finally done her a favor. Whatever she does next I
have to stay for it. My legs are weak and I want to throw up, but I
have to stand here and take it.

“Well, I guess you know why you’re never
invited.” Her eyes are triumphant. “Oh, and using someone’s death
to hide behind is just really low. Dirt low.”

She turns around and Liz follows without
even looking at me. That’s fine, we’d never really been that great
of friends. Mars looks confused, but Amanda’s her ride so she
doesn’t really have a choice what side to take. Prudence looks at
me and her eyes are sad, but they also say “I don’t want it to be
me,” and she follows.

Not only am I alone, I don’t even have a
pack to hide in. I just want to get out, I don’t want to be here
anymore. I need a break. I need a vacation from reality and school,
and all these people. Even Christmas break won’t be enough. Staying
at home “relaxing” was just what I did when he died and it isn’t
going to be enough this time. I actually need to get away. I have
to get away from all the places I’ve shared with him, all the
places I’ve had to be without him, away from the “friends” who
didn’t understand.

My ride home is unusually quiet. I can’t
even bring myself to turn on the radio. I want to die. At least
then I’d be with Will and not have to go back to school and face
the rest of my life. I have no idea how I’m going to get through
this.

“Hey, sweetie. What’s wrong?”

I hate that my mom can tell what’s wrong
just by how I open the door. I also really need the opening. I go
into the kitchen, sit down, put my arms on the table and bury my
head, talking through my arms while sobbing out the whole story for
hours.

“And he was my boyfriend and I didn’t want
to tell anybody because I thought you’d be upset, but I loved him
and I’m not hiding behind his death, I just don’t know what
anything is anymore…I just know that he’s dead and I loved him and
now my friends are gone too.”

“Shh. I knew, sweetie. Your dad and I just
didn’t know how to handle it. When we became parents we never
thought we’d have to deal with something like this. We’re trying
the best we can. Oh, baby, if I could take away all your pain and
live it for you I would.”

“You knew?”

My mom gives one of her sly mom smiles.

“I gave birth to you and raised you for
almost eighteen years. You think I can’t tell when my daughter’s in
love?”

I smile back, but smiling just makes me cry
even harder (I don’t even want to try and figure out how that
works).

“I need to take a road trip by myself. I
need to go to Minnesota.” I’m not sure what made me say it, but the
second the words come out I know they’re true. Minnesota was where
William had gone to ‘“That Place”’, and I need to go there to see
if I can find him. I need to follow his ghost and figure out my
life. It will get me away from all these people who don’t
understand what it’s like to be forced to grow up so soon. This
year was supposed to be the best year of high school ever, the year
before I left for college. I have to figure out who I am now that
William is gone, where I want to go to college, and what I want to
do with my life in just a few short months. All at the same
time.

“I know it’s hard, but your father and I
can’t just let you take off and go to a different state all alone.
You know that.”

“Of course I know that, but if I’m old
enough to die I should be old enough to live a little. I just need
to do this. I need to run away and I won’t be missing school. I’ll
check in every day. You can tell people I’m going on a college
visit. Doesn’t Aunt Karrie live in St. Paul or somewhere? I could
stay with her and then it’s not even like I’m going by myself. I
just--Mom-- I can’t…” I start crying all over again. I’m so sick of
crying all the time. I’m sick of never being in control anymore.
I’m sick of not being able to do anything about anything. “I need
to run away but I’m too scared to go without someone knowing where
I’m going. If I don’t chase him now I may lose the chance forever.
What if I lose him all over again? I just need him back. It hurts…”
I sob. I cry for just long enough to fall asleep at the table. It
always amazes me how exhausting crying can be. Anytime I cry,
really cry, the kind of tears that get your whole body involved,
all I can do afterwards is fall asleep. This time I wake up and my
parents are both there looking concerned.

“You call us at least twice a day, you’re
back by the end of the week, and you’re taking mace and a
taser.”

I can’t smile because I’m too exhausted, but
I feel at peace. I know I have to go to school tomorrow, but now I
know I’m getting away. I’m getting away and I’m going out to find
him. I’m getting away. I’m getting away! I’m getting away!

I have no idea what I’m looking for, but I
think I’m chasing that part of him I didn’t know. The part of him
that supposedly got him killed. That part of him that existed
without me. Maybe if I find him he can help me through this.

To:
William Davis

Message:
William! I get to visit. I’m
not sure how it happened, but I needed to get away and now I’ll
have the chance. All on my own. You’d be proud. Actually, you’d
probably be a total asshole and say something like “you sure you
can survive on your own.” You know you would…