Cherish the Land (21 page)

“We’ll clean it out and wrap it up again before bed,” Jason said. “I may be a vet, but wound care isn’t that different. I could probably put a suture in it if you need me to.”

Seth cradled his hand against his chest. “I don’t think it needs stitches. It was long and messy but not very deep.”

“At least let me take a look at it?” Jason said. “It’ll make me feel better, even if I can’t do anything for you.”

“Tonight,” Seth said. “So what else do you think we’ll need?”

They poked around in the closets a bit, but with Sam and Jeremy’s things still there, it felt too invasive. “Maybe we should wait until they’ve moved out completely before we move in,” Seth said. “I know Caine said it was okay, but it feels….”

“Like we’re using their space,” Jason finished for him. “As much as I want to be alone with you, really alone, you’re right. We’ve waited this long. We can wait a few more days.”

A few more days for Seth to try to get over his hang-ups so they had a chance at being happy without his issues ruining everything.

“I
THOUGHT
you and Jason would already be shacked up in your new house,” Chris teased when Seth came back home with him after dinner.

“Not while all Sam and Jeremy’s things are still there,” Seth said. “We didn’t want to invade their privacy that way. We can wait a few more days.”

“Uh-huh,” Chris said. “I remember what it was like to be young and
horny. Do Jesse and I need to volunteer for an overnight shift?”

“You’re only four years older than I am,” Seth said defensively. He wasn’t going to think about being in an empty house with Jason, knowing Chris and Jesse wouldn’t be back until after breakfast. He wanted to sleep tonight, thank you very much. “You make it sound like you’re old enough to be my father.”

“Not quite that old,” Chris said, “but old enough to know what you’re feeling and young enough to sympathize. Do you know when Sam and Jeremy are coming to get their stuff?”

“Caine said in a couple of days, but nothing specific,” Seth said.

“I’ll talk to Caine tomorrow,” Chris said. “If it isn’t going to be tomorrow or the day after, Jesse and I will make ourselves scarce. Give you and Jason some privacy for a night.”

“I already said you didn’t have to do that.”

“I know we don’t have to,” Chris said, “but you didn’t ask. I offered. There’s a difference.”

Not as far as Seth was concerned.

“Jason probably has everything you’ll need since he was seeing Cooper, but there are supplies in the bathroom—”

“I’m not listening to this,” Seth said, plugging his ears with his hands. “My brother didn’t just offer me condoms and lube so I could have safe sex. This is not my life.”

He fled into his bedroom to the sound of Chris’s laughter. Let him laugh. Seth wasn’t budging, and he wasn’t going to ask Chris for advice either. Jason wasn’t a novice. He could show Seth what to do. It would still be embarrassing as hell, but at least it wouldn’t be his
brother
giving him lessons. That didn’t bear thinking about.

He sat down on the bed and unwrapped his hand. Jason had offered to take a look at it, but Carley had waylaid him after dinner. Seth didn’t know when or even if Jason would make it back tonight, and he could see blood on the gauze Sarah had used. Better to clean and redress it now.

He went into the bathroom to wash it out again. He could hear Chris and Jesse’s voices in the other room, and he just knew Chris was telling Jesse about their conversation. When Jesse’s booming laughter resonated through the house, he had all the proof he needed. Chris’s teasing was good-natured. He didn’t have a mean bone in his body, and he’d never given Seth more of a hard time than Seth gave right back, but this was different. This meant something. It meant everything.

It meant too much.

He was in so far over his head. He had to keep it together. Jason deserved so much more than Seth could give him in his current state. He deserved someone who could love him without flipping out over it. He deserved someone who could be happy instead of searching for flaws every time things looked good. Seth was no good for him, and the only person who couldn’t see it was Jason. Oh, everyone had said all the right things, but Seth wasn’t fooled. He was a punk from the gutter with no real right to be here with Jason, or with any of these strong, grounded men. He was a broken piece of trash that not even his mother could love. Maybe Jason hadn’t figured it out yet, but he would. He’d see Seth for what he was, and when he did, he’d leave, like everyone else had. Seth didn’t deserve a happy ending, but Jason did, so he’d let Jason go—back to Cooper or on to someone else, it didn’t matter. Jason would have a shot at happiness with someone who could be what he deserved.

With shaking hands, Seth opened the cabinet over the sink to get out a fresh bandage. His razor sat on the bottom shelf where he’d left it after he shaved that morning. He shouldn’t pick it up. He already had the cut on his hand. He could pour alcohol on that if he needed pain to get himself back together, and if anyone asked, he’d have an explanation for the cut and the alcohol. If he picked up the razor, he’d have a cut Jason might see and would want an explanation for. An explanation Seth couldn’t give him, because how could Jason with his picture-perfect family and happy-ever-after dreams possibly understand what would drive Seth to hurt himself? How could Jason ever understand that controlling the pain helped Seth control everything else too?

If he didn’t pick it up, he wouldn’t make it out of the bathroom without shaking apart.

He took a deep breath and then another one, trying to steady himself enough that he could ignore the urge to cut, but the longer he stood there, the louder the siren call of pain became. He grabbed the alcohol and dumped it over the cut on his hand. Tears coursed down his face as he bit back the urge to shout from the pain, but it wasn’t enough to silence the thoughts in his head. It had never been like this. He’d never spun this far out of control. He had to make it stop. He could make a small cut, just a nick, really, and Jason would never even notice it was there. They kissed and snuggled in bed at night, too aware of Chris and Jesse down the hall to do more than that. Jason wouldn’t even see a little scab.

Seth reached for the razor before he could talk himself out of it. He pulled down his jeans and examined his legs. The cut he’d made before had healed to a faded pink line. In another few days it would be gone entirely. He didn’t want to reopen it, though. He didn’t want a scar because in a few days, they’d move into Sam and Jeremy’s old house and when that happened, Jason would want to do more than kiss and cuddle. He’d want to touch and kiss and explore and—

Seth swallowed hard and set the point of the razor to his other leg. Just a little puncture.

“Seth?” The door swung open, startling Seth. The razor dug deep into his leg.

“Get out!” Seth spat, spinning so Jason couldn’t see the blood on his leg.

“Seth, what’s going on?” Jason said.

“I said get out,” Seth repeated.

“No. What is this?” Jason grabbed Seth’s wrist and lifted the bloody razor to chest height. “What were you doing?”

“None of your goddamn business,” Seth said. He tried to pull his hand away, but Jason didn’t let go.

“You’re bleeding. Did you cut yourself?”

“No shit,” Seth said. He pulled again and this time Jason let him go. He tossed the razor in the sink and reached for the peroxide in the cabinet. It would hurt less than the alcohol, and with Jason standing right there, Seth didn’t want any more questions. He didn’t expect to get that lucky, but he could hope.

Jason stood there in silence as Seth cleaned and bandaged the cut on his leg. He hadn’t meant to cut that deeply. This one would probably leave a scar. It served him right. It would be a good reminder not to hope for things he couldn’t have. He pulled his jeans back on and pushed past Jason into the hall. Jason followed him into his bedroom. Seth glared at him, but Jason ignored it.

“What happened?”

“You know what happened,” Seth said. “I cut myself with a razor. It bled. I bandaged it up, and now I’m going to bed. And no, you can’t stay tonight. I don’t want company. I don’t want you.”

“Stop it,” Jason said. “Why are you being like this?”

Seth didn’t answer. He just lay down on the bed with his back to Jason. “Turn off the light on your way out.”

“Okay, I’ll leave tonight,” Jason said, “but this isn’t over. We’re going to talk about this and we’re going to find a solution to whatever it is. I meant what I said about not giving up just because things get complicated.”

“Good-bye, Jason,” Seth said. He could feel tears building in the corners of his eyes, but he fought them back. He wouldn’t let Jason see him cry.

“We’ll talk in the morning,” Jason repeated.

Seth didn’t reply. Jason left and turned the light off, and Seth let the tears fall. He should’ve known better. He didn’t belong here with Jason. He didn’t belong anywhere. He’d pack his bag in the morning. They were shorthanded on Taylor Peak. Sam and Jeremy would let him stay for a few days while he figured out what to do next.

J
ASON
TOSSED
and turned in his bunk all night, too worried about Seth to sleep well. He rose early and headed to Chris and Jesse’s house, hoping to catch Seth before he went to breakfast. Maybe cornering him before they’d had caffeine was a bad idea, but if he missed Seth that morning, anything could happen before he found Seth again.

The image of the bloody razor haunted him. Why would Seth do that? Why would anyone hurt themselves deliberately? He tried to think back to when he and Seth both lived on the station, and even to the times they’d both been home from uni together, to see if he could find a pattern of odd behavior. Seth’s hands were always torn up, but so were Jason’s dad’s. His mum scolded his dad for it, but he’d always replied that anyone who worked on engines was going to end up with busted knuckles or worse. It was part of the job description. Jason could remember Seth’s hands being similarly scraped up, but nothing that would suggest deliberation. That cut on his leg hadn’t been an accident, though. He’d intended to do that.

He knocked on the door to Chris and Jesse’s house out of habit rather than necessity, but he didn’t wait for an answer before walking in. He hadn’t needed an invitation in years.

He found Chris and Jesse sitting at the small table in the kitchen.

“Sorry to show up so early,” Jason said, “but I need to talk to Seth.”

“You’ll have to find him first,” Chris said. “He’s gone. He left a note.”

Chris pushed a piece of paper across the table to Jason.

Chris,

I can’t stay. I’m sorry. I’ll call when I get settled, but don’t tell Jason where I’ve gone.

Seth

“You don’t listen very well,” Jason said hoarsely as he tried to make sense of the note.

“My brother is a bloody idiot who wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him in the arse,” Chris said. “And since you didn’t get that chance before he rabbited, I figure he’s got it in his head he’s doing you a favor by leaving this way.”

“How is this supposed to be a favor?” Jason asked. “We were supposed to move into Sam and Jeremy’s house. We were supposed to be happy.”

“Seth hasn’t had a lot of practice with happiness,” Chris said. “I don’t think he trusts it very much.”

Jason tried not to be hurt by that, but he couldn’t stop it from stinging. “Does he cut himself a lot?”

“Sure, but every mechanic does,” Jesse said. “It goes with the job.”

“No, not like that,” Jason said. “I walked into the bathroom last night intending to check the cut on his hand from the tractor, and I found him with a razor against his leg and blood dripping down his thigh. Did you know about this?”

Chris shook his head. “You’re sure it was intentional? I mean, he didn’t just cut himself because you startled him?”

“If he’d cut his cheek or jaw, I’d believe that,” Jason said, “but why would he have the razor against his leg? He wouldn’t talk to me, so I don’t know what he was thinking, but it all seems really odd. I caught him cutting himself, he wouldn’t let me stay with him last night, and this morning, he’s gone.”

“He used to get in fights a lot,” Chris said. “Before we came here, but things were tough and we didn’t have a lot of stability. I figured that was why. He never started it, and I did my best to keep him out of trouble, but I could only do so much. If he was cutting himself then, I didn’t know about it, but I’m not sure I would have noticed. I was working a shit job with ridiculous hours to try to pay for a place to live so he could go to school. Most days I wasn’t home before he went to sleep, and he left for school before I woke up. He could have been doing anything and I wouldn’t have known.”