Chosen Heart (22 page)

“No, Bryan!” I put my hands up in
defeat, giggling.  “I was telling Rach that he’s perfect, but I just…I
don’t know.  It’s hard to gauge where it’s going.”

“Does he seem to be into you?” he
asks, notably interested.

“As far as I can tell, but my
experience with relationships and men are lacking.  At least past the
initial attraction.”  Taking a bite of my cake, I can’t help the moan that
escapes my lips.  “This is delicious, Bryan.” 

“You were with Cole for awhile so
you have some experience.  Don’t discount yourself, El,” Rachel chimes in.

“This guy is different than
Cole.  He opens doors for me, has the gentlest touch and when he kisses me
my knees feel like they’re going to buckle.”  Bryan makes a gesture of
vomiting, just as Rachel slaps his arm.  “I’m completely infatuated with
him.  I spend my day wondering when I’m going to see him again, and my
nights wishing he was with me.  I’m starting to feel a bit
stalkerish.  This is not how I felt for Cole.”

“Wow that seems intense,
El.”  She grabs my hand, looking over at me lovingly.  “One way or
another, everything will work itself out.  Just take it one day at a
time.”  I love my sister, she always says the right things.

“You want my advice?”  I nod
in Bryan’s direction.  “E, don’t talk about your relationship.  Not
yet at least.  You guys haven’t known each other for very long and you
don’t want to freak him out by bringing up the big ‘R’ word.  Just ride it
out and see where it leads.  But, don’t let him use you.  And I mean
it!  Just say the word and I’ll be there with that shotgun.”  He
grins, shoving another bite of chocolate covered chocolate in his mouth, like
he didn’t just threaten to shoot someone.  Playfully Rachel reaches up,
brushing away a smudge of chocolate with her thumb before licking it off her
finger.  And that’s my cue to leave.

Setting my plate in the stainless
steel sink, I return to the living room to say my goodbyes.  “Thanks for
the advice guys, and the dinner, but I really need to head home.  You
know, have to go to my hoity-toity big girl job tomorrow, and I still need some
beauty sleep.”

Bryan and Rachel follow me to the
door, each bringing me into another embrace before releasing me to the
mugginess that is the Las Vegas fall.

My drive home is short, they
don’t live too far from me, but it gives me a chance to think about their
advice.  I’m torn about not talking to Alex about our relationship because
I’m not sure how long he plans on keeping me his secret or how long I’m willing
to go along with it.  Right now it seems to be working, but I wonder how
long I can keep up the charade.  I’m afraid to lose myself in something I
don’t fully understand.  Trust me, I understand the ramifications of our
work relationship and how bad it would look if we were out in public
together.  But, what I don’t understand is how a man, like Alex, can keep
his personal and professional life separate without them running into each
other.

Oh bother.  I should have
asked Bryan more questions.  But if I did, I might have given it away that
I am a secret.  And, I don’t think that would have gone over too well with
my sister.  Girl power and all!  Startling me, I hear a chime
announcing an incoming text.  At a stop light, I peak at my phone almost
willing it to tell me it’s from Alex.  My heart skips a beat, just looking
at his name staring back at me.

*Are you home? I
want to see you!*

**I’ll be home
in 10 minutes.**

My heart flutters, getting all
giddy.  Just the thought of spending time with him warms my heart.  I
catch myself speeding several times, rushing to get home knowing he’ll be
there.  Pulling up faster than I should, I hurry out of the car and speed
walk towards my door. 

And, there he is.  Seeing
Alex sitting at my doorstep is like an out of body experience.  With the
sight of him, I experience a bit of déjà vu, recalling the first time I found
him outside in the rain…the first time we had sex.  Looking a little
tense, he’s not dressed in his normal business attire, which is a treat. 
I haven’t seen him this casual.  Ever.  It’s a nice surprise. 
Wearing a blue and white button up shirt, he looks surprisingly young with his
light blue jeans.  With his hair more disheveled than normal, he looks
frustrated.

“Hi, have you been waiting
long?”  I continue my walk, meeting his severe gaze.

“About 15 minutes.  Where
were you?”  He eyes me waiting for a response. 

“I was at dinner with my sister,”
I respond, only to erase the frown on his face.  I didn’t know I had to
check in with him every moment of day.

His mood changes instantly. 
“Were you now…did you talk about me?” he smirks, standing quickly, walking in
my direction.  Reaching me, he wraps his arms around my torso and nuzzles
my neck, like he hasn’t seen me in a week.  “You look lovely.”

Returning the gesture, I wrap my
arms around his neck, giving him a gentle kiss on his delectable lips. 
“Actually, we did talk about you.  I didn’t give her all the juicy
details, but enough to pacify her for a while.  Do you want to come in?”

“Not unless you want to have sex on
your door step.”  I blush at the thought of him taking me directly on my
front stairs, making my insides tingle.  Dismissing the thought, I reach
for the door and open it quickly, refusing to let him manhandle me
outside.  Not again. 

My thoughts go back to Bryan’s
advice about not letting him use me.  How does one know if they are being
used?  And, is he using me if I’m a willing participant?  The last
few times we’ve been together, we’ve had mind-blowing sex, but I can’t discount
how he’s treated me.  He’s been very sweet, attentive, almost like he
cares.  My mind is in a blur with all of the confusion. 

In a moment of panic, I think of
the first question to ask him; just something to get my mind off of his body
and taking him on my couch, again.  “Alex, what’s your favorite
color?” 
What am I, fifteen?

Sitting on the love seat, he
cocks his head to look at me, while I walk into the kitchen for a glass of
water.  “Currently, a pumpkin slash ginger color,” he admits, eyeing me up
and down, looking like he’s ready to consume me.  God, this man has a
direct line to libido.

“I’m being serious. What type of
music do you like?”  I have to know more and get more out of him. 
He’s only given me a small glimpse into his past.  But, at least I know
something.  Besides the fact he’s pretty remarkable in bed, I don’t know
very much about his present. 

He sighs, seemingly out of
frustration.  “What’s with the twenty questions, Elyssa?”

“I want to get to know you
better.”  It’s the truth!  More so, I need to get to know him
better.  Bryan said I couldn’t ask the relationship questions, but I need
to know where this is going.  I need to know that what I’m feeling is
being returned, not just the sex, but the feelings, as well.  I know
myself well enough.  I need to know there are feelings beyond his physical
need for me. 

“I think you know me pretty
well.” He stands, walking towards me.  Once again I find his arms around
me, his mouth finding my neck as he starts slowly kissing, and nipping. 
Gently, he lifts me and places me on the kitchen counter, caging me in, with no
place to run.

“Alex, please?!” I take his face
into both of my hands, looking into his eyes.  “Talk to me.”

He stares at me, searching for a
reason.  After carrying me to the couch, he places his forehead against
mine, as I sit astride him.  Kissing my forehead, he mollifies me, telling
me to ask away.

Good, he’s willing.  See,
that wasn’t so hard.
 
“What’s your favorite music?”

Resigned to his fate, he
answers.  “I don’t really have a favorite.  I like a lot of different
types, but it has to have a soul.  I really like acoustic
renditions.  Love the guitar.” 

“Do you play?”  Of course, I
know the answer because I heard him play for his grandmother.  But that
night, I felt I was spying on something private in his life, something he
wouldn’t want me to see.  Even though he was only saving me from the
paperclip guy, it was the first night I got to see him; really see him. 
Meeting his grandmother, going to his house, these are things he doesn’t
normally do.  Or is it?  Do I know enough about him to make that
assumption?  I hope I’m right.  I hope that it was as special for him
as it was for me.

Looking up at me, pleasure all
over his face, he starts to graze his fingers up and down my thighs. 
“I’ve been known to strum a string or two.”  I’m becoming his own personal
instrument and he’s playing me like a pro.

“Were your parent’s musical?”

“No!”  If I didn’t already
know that his parents are a touchy subject, I do now, as his delicate touch
abruptly seizes.  After taking a brief moment for himself, he
continues.  “My dad worked in a textile plant and my mom…well she was
technically a homemaker, but she was artistic.  She loved to paint and create
pottery.  She used to take me with her to this studio in San Diego,
letting me paint right alongside her.  She even showed me how to do some
pottery.”  His brows furrow as he looks out the window, painstakingly
obvious that he misses her.

“I’m sorry, Alex.”  I move
my head to meet his gaze and give him a gentle kiss.  “All of this is new
to me.  I’m just trying to get to know you.  I’m not sure what I can
and can’t ask you.”

“Don’t worry about me.  I’ll
let you know if it’s something that I don’t want to talk about.”  He’s
very straightforward.  I can appreciate that.

“Do you mind me asking, how long
ago was your last relationship?”  I hope I don’t overstep my boundaries
and when he laughs, I know I haven’t.

“What’s your definition of
relationship?” he teases, but his eyes say something entirely different. 
They are distant, and I suddenly don’t like where I took this line of
questioning.

“I guess I should ask you the
same question.”

“Well, if you’re asking the last
time I had a ‘girlfriend’,” he uses his fingers to make quotation marks, “it
must have been in college, but it didn’t last very long.”

“You haven’t had sex since you
were in college?” 
I find that hard to believe.

“You don’t need monogamy to have
sex, Elyssa,” he laughs.  Is he really making fun of me?

In my world you should have a
relationship before having sex, but even as I think it, I realize I’m even
breaking my own rules.  What he just said means that I’m not the first
woman who’s given in to him sexually, without a relationship, and clenches at
my heart.  I swallow back the dread that’s growing inside; suddenly
feeling that maybe Bryan’s words of wisdom may apply to our situation.  My
old thoughts come back to haunt me. 
Is he just using me for sex?
 

“Elyssa, why do you look like I
just killed your dog?”  His fingers slide under my chin, tilting my head
up so he can look me in my eyes, sharp blue to somber green.

“Sorry, I may be naïve, but I
think you should be in a relationship if you’re having sex.  In my
experience, sex is supposed to be meaningful and how can it be if you don’t
have a connection.”  With everything that’s happened to me in the past, I
can’t use sex as a game or a weapon. 

“Your past experience, huh? 
Well how many of these fuckers are out there?” 

I hesitate, not knowing if
telling him is the right or wrong thing to do.  I don’t want him to freak
him out, but I also don’t want to lie.  Resolving to be honest, I hold up
two fingers. 

“
Two?
”  I can’t place
the expression on his face as it contorts, letting the number sink in. 
Fear, disgust, confusion?  “Two guys before me?”

I shake my head.  “Two guys
including you.”  My heart sinks as I wait in anticipation.  I know
he’s experienced, I can tell by his sexpertise, but I was hoping he wouldn’t
see my innocence as a reason to run, and I’m afraid he’s resolving that right
now. 
God, why did I tell him?

His eyes widen as reality hits
him; my innocence now at the forefront of his mind.  “Your first being
Cole…”  I nod.  “And why aren’t you guys together still?”

“I told you already.  Our
relationship, well, there was a lot of things that happened towards the end;
things not meant for this conversation.  If you must know, I couldn’t give
him what he wanted, and I didn’t feel it was fair to him to stay in it.  I
broke up with him.  End of story.”

“And you have remained friends
ever since?  With no benefits?”

“I told you before.  I’m not
having sex with him. I don’t do that type of thing, Alex.  Obviously, I’m
not the type of girl that jumps from guy to guy.  Sex means so much more
to me.”  I cringe as I realize what I’m saying. 
Shit! 
I
just had a relationship talk with him.

Alex shifts, setting me next to
him on the couch.  He rests his elbows on his knees and takes his head in
his hands.  “Elyssa, I never realized how inexperienced you were when I
pursued you.  I’m sorry…I…”

“
You
don’t have to be
sorry.  It’s not like I said no.”  And that was the truth.  I
don’t think I could have said no.  I wanted him too much.