Christening (6 page)

She gasped, trying to suck down enough air to keep standing. “I will. I promise. I just need a couple of weeks.”

She didn’t know if he believed her.

But he took one of her hands off his face. Turned his head so he could press a tender kiss into her palm.

Then he left, and Erin stared at the closed door behind her.

Wondered if she was doing the right thing. The best thing. The only thing there was to do.

Wondered if doing it would end up hurting them all more than it would help.

***

The heavy awareness in her gut she'd been experiencing for weeks made it clear that this was something she needed to do. Despite this underlying knowledge, however, that night Erin was lying in bed alone, still wondering whether she'd made the right choice.

The day had gotten better after the heartbreaking morning. The girls were excited about seeing their grandfather, and the change in scenery did a lot to distract them. Even Mackenzie had unwound and had fun trying to catch lightning bugs in the huge yard with Anna.

Her father’s house, in a small town outside of Atlanta, was warm and welcoming, and Erin felt the well-worn surroundings comfort her with the sense of familiarity. The distraction had helped her too, as had her father’s unquestioning, supportive presence, and she felt something unclench in her gut that hadn’t been unclenched for weeks.

She still felt just as sad and confused, but it wasn't quite so unbearable.

It got bad again that night, however. After she put the girls to bed in the guest room next to hers, she got ready for bed herself and tried to read some. But she couldn’t concentrate. Eventually she’d turned off the light and felt a brutal ache of loneliness.

She cried a little bit, but mostly she just lay awake—felt scared and uncertain and bewildered and so many things she couldn’t possibly sort out.

She wasn’t even sure what she was doing. Or why she was doing it.

After a while, she heard a noise. Then saw her bedroom door swing open.

Erin raised her head as Mackenzie came into the room, followed by Anna. Mackenzie was holding Anna’s hand.

As the girls approached the bed, Erin asked, “What is it? Is something wrong?”

Now that they were closer, Erin could see that Anna’s face was scrunched up and Mackenzie’s eyes were silently anxious.

“Anna was scared,” Mackenzie explained.

Anna nodded earnestly. “The house makes bad noises.”

“Oh,” Erin murmured, reaching out to stroke Anna’s arm. “Old houses always make noises like that. They’re not bad.”

Anna frowned and her mouth wobbled a little. “They
is
bad.” She was eyeing Erin pleadingly.

Erin didn’t have the heart to refuse.

She lifted the covers invitingly. “Did you want to sleep in here with me tonight?”

Anna’s only answer was to scrabble into bed as quickly as she could and cuddle up beside Erin.

Mackenzie was still standing there watching them. Would never admit that she wanted to stay as much as her little sister did.

“Did you want to sleep in here too?” Erin offered. “There’s lots of room.”

Anna’s head popped up. “Lots and lots.”

Mackenzie shook her head, although she was eyeing the bed longingly. “Just Anna was scared.”

“I know. You were very nice to take care of her. But she might feel better if both of us were here with her.”

“Yes,” Anna affirmed. “Mac stay too.”

“Okay,” Mackenzie agreed. Her voice made it sound as if it weren’t a big deal, but she crawled in quickly and curled up eagerly beside her sister under the covers.

Erin could reach both of them, so she stroked their hair and shoulders soothingly until their breathing slowed down and they fell asleep.

By then, Erin was close to sleep herself. She was suddenly utterly exhausted and could barely keep her eyes opened. She felt a little better now, with her daughters so close to her, their childish breathing lulling her to sleep.

But her last thought before she drifted off was of Seth. She wondered if he was sleeping tonight. If he was thinking of her and the girls. If he hated her for leaving him the way she had.

Erin knew too well what it was like to lay awake in that huge bed, staring at the other, empty side.

So her final conscious awareness was a raw ache for Seth, who was sleeping in the vast, silent apartment all alone.

“Don’t!” Mackenzie snapped. “You’re messing it up.” Frowning, she leaned over to protect her precious handiwork from her sister’s messy fingers.

“But I wanna help,” Anna insisted, bending her legs into an awkward squat in an attempt to get down far enough to see what Mackenzie was hiding from her.

“You don’t know how to do it right. You can pick some more dandelions, if you want to help.” She straightened up again, keeping a wary eye on her little sister. Then she started to sort through the piles of bright yellow dandelions that Anna had spent the last fifteen minutes collecting for her.

Erin and the girls were lying out on a blanket in the wide expanse of grass beside the house she’d grown up in. Erin was reading, and the girls had been drawing in new sketch books with colored pencils, which their grandfather had bought them yesterday.

But, a half-hour ago, Mackenzie had started idly braiding and weaving together the stems of a few dandelions. Becoming absorbed in this new project, she’d kept it up until she had a nice-sized mat of flowers and stems now. While it wasn’t particularly attractive, it was impressive that she’d somehow been able to weave so many together.

Anna, of course, had been immediately mesmerized. She’d traipsed around on a fervent quest for as many dandelions as she could find, coming back several times to their blanket with her hands full of the colorful weeds.

At her sister’s suggestion, however, Anna stuck out her chin and sniffed. “I don’t wanna pick more. I wanna help Mac.”

Erin couldn’t help but smile covertly at Anna’s earnest attempt to participate. While still pretending to read, she was keeping an eye on her daughters, in case the little tiff became a full-fledged fight.

“
I’m
doing this one,” Mackenzie said. “You can do your own if you want.” Picking out several of the dandelions which Anna had torn too close to the head, she added, “Some of these are too short. I need long stems.”

Anna was breathing loudly through her nose as she rifled through the messy heap. Finding a few appropriate specimens and offering them, she declared victoriously, “These is long stems.”

“These
are
long stems, honey,” Erin corrected automatically.

Anna nodded, as if her mother had just proven her point. “These are long stems.”

Mackenzie accepted the dandelions with the longer stems and started braiding them into her creation, but she wailed when Anna reached out for the mat yet again. “Anna, no. You’ll mess it up. Make your own.”

Anna pulled back at this rebuff. Then she sat down on her bottom with a loud huff. She was wearing denim shorts with flower appliqués on one side and a matching pink shirt. Her hair was braided into two short pigtails, to match Mackenzie’s much longer ones, and her cheeks were very rosy, but that must just be from her exertion in picking all the dandelions, since Erin had put sunblock on all of them before they’d come out to sit in the sun.

Anna grabbed some of the dandelions and started twisting them together determinedly, occasionally glancing over at Mackenzie to see how her sister was managing this difficult procedure. Erin had a pretty good suspicion about how Anna’s attempt would turn out.

She was right. A few minutes later, Anna whined, “Mommy!” When Erin glanced up, Anna held up a mess of bent stems and torn dandelion heads. Anna’s mouth was turned down in a pitiful frown. “It's not right.”

Mackenzie snickered and kept working busily on her much more successful mat of dandelions.

“Maybe Mackenzie can help you after she’s done,” Erin suggested, making sure she didn’t snicker herself at Anna’s botched attempt. “And maybe you can watch her until then.”

“Mac, help me please?” Anna scooted over so she could get a better look at Mackenzie’s work.

“After I’m done.” She turned her body protectively, to block Anna’s view.

Anna tried to peer around Mackenzie’s body and then tried to peek over her shoulder. When neither of these efforts was successful, she turned back to Erin beseechingly. “Mommy!”

Erin cleared her throat. “I’m sure, since you worked so hard to pick all those dandelions for Mackenzie, she’ll at least let you watch.”

With a long sigh, Mackenzie straightened up again. Held out the dandelion mat so Anna could see. “You can watch,” she said, perking up when Erin smiled at her appreciatively. “But we have to be very, very careful or it will fall apart.”

Anna nodded soberly, her blue eyes round. Very carefully, she reached down to pick up a dandelion. “This one is good?” she whispered, handing it cautiously to Mackenzie, as if the slightest move might trigger a spontaneous explosion of the admired mat.

Mackenzie nodded and took the proffered weed. “That one is good.” She started to weave it in with the others.

Erin stifled a giggle and relaxed again, glad the storm had been averted. They usually played together quite well, but an occasional fight, some minor, some traumatic, was unavoidable.

It was mid-morning on Saturday, and Seth was supposed to arrive around lunch time to spend the afternoon with the girls. The week hadn’t been as bad for the girls as Erin had feared. They were excited about visiting their grandfather, so they hadn’t seemed too upset or worried about their altered situation. Seth had come out on Wednesday evening, which both Anna and Mackenzie had gushed about all day Thursday.

Erin had taken some time for herself on Wednesday so she hadn’t been around for Seth’s visit. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see him, but she felt rather awkward about the whole situation, and it had been easier for her not to be there when he arrived.

She thought the week had, as a whole, been good for her. She’d been able to mostly relax—which she hadn’t done in a really long time—and think through a lot of the issues that were troubling her, without the stress of really
dealing
with everything yet. She knew she’d need to deal with it—deal with Seth—soon, but she thought this brief break had somehow helped prepare her for it.

Things had built up to such an extent over the last year that Erin had found herself subconsciously panicking at the thought of having to fix things. She hadn’t been able to even imagine what she needed to do to start to improve things, much less know
how
she was supposed to begin. This slight distance had given her better perspective, and she had a clearer sense about how she and Seth might start to tackle things. So for the first time in a long time, she felt slightly encouraged about there being a way out of the rut.

It wasn't going to be easy, but she could at least see that it was possible.

She hadn’t been really happy this week, but she'd been reflective and quiet and emotional. Ridiculously emotional, really. She'd been crying at the drop of a hat. Not just out of fear or loneliness, but also because of silly things--like watching her father play with her squealing daughters, pretending he was a horse.

Today, however, she was feeling pretty good. Composed and calm and not emotional at all. Which was good, since she wasn’t planning to avoid Seth this afternoon. Yes, she was going to give him some alone time with the girls, but she didn’t want him to think she was hiding from him.

In fact, if she admitted the truth, she was actually looking forward to seeing him.

She’d missed him a lot this week. She'd missed him a lot for the last few months.

Erin tried to concentrate on reading her book, since there were still a couple more hours before Seth would arrive. Glancing over to make sure her daughters were still behaving, she arranged her long skirt around her bare legs. She was wearing a loose sleeveless top and a cotton skirt. Not her normal style, but it was cool and comfortable for the hot day, the flowing lines deemphasized the fuller curves from the pounds she’d put on over the last month, and the outfit made her feel kind of old-fashioned and feminine.

It seemed silly to want to look pretty for Seth today—he was her husband of four years and there were so many issues between them—but she did. She wanted to look pretty. So she’d put on the skirt and flattering top this morning, instead of the old capris she’d been about to wear.

And then she’d actually preened when Anna declared that Mommy looked like a princess.

“Daddy’s here?” Anna asked, out of the blue.

Erin glanced over at her daughter and shook her head. “Daddy’s not going to be here for a couple more hours.”

But Anna wasn’t looking at her. She was staring across the distance toward the house. “Daddy!” Anna burst out, this time jumping to her feet.

Erin looked over to see what her daughter had noticed, and then felt her own heart leap into her throat.

It was Seth. His lean body and posture were impossible to mistake, even from this far away. He must have seen them because he was facing in their direction. As Erin watched, he took a few steps toward them.

“Daddy!” Anna cried again, her face beaming with excitement. She started running toward her father, but then jerked to stop and looked back questioningly at Erin.

Erin felt a strange ache in her throat at this hesitance, but she smiled and nodded. “Of course. Go give him a hug hello.”

Anna giggled and ran across the grass—which she’d previously cleared of dandelions—as fast as her little legs could carry her.

Erin was feeling an inexplicable combination of pleasure, excitement, bone-deep anxiety, and a poignant kind of tension. She couldn’t remember ever feeling exactly like this before. The closest she could come was when she’d first found out she was pregnant with Mackenzie and decided she was keeping the baby.

At this thought, she managed to look away from Seth’s approaching figure and toward her older daughter, who hadn’t moved from the blanket on which she sat cross-legged.

“Mackenzie? Don’t you want to go say hi to your daddy too?”

Mackenzie had been staring urgently at Seth, who just then was scooping up Anna and whirling her around in a hug that made the girl squeal. But at Erin’s question, Mackenzie looked back down at her dandelion mat. Shook her head mutely.

Erin’s own emotional response shifted into a deep surge of concern. “Why not, pumpkin? I thought you were looking forward to his visit.”

Mackenzie couldn’t seem to speak. Just stared down and shook her head again.

Adjusting herself until she was stretched out directly in front of the little girl, Erin persisted gently, “Are you still a little mad at Daddy?”

Another shake of the glowing, pigtailed head.

Erin let out a breath, glad of this at least. A lasting grudge would have been a significant worry. “You’re not mad, but is it maybe that your feelings were a little hurt?”

Mackenzie’s eyes darted up, anxiously scanning Erin’s face. Then she nodded and looked down, as if she were embarrassed by the admission.

Erin reached out and stroked Mackenzie’s shoulder and arm. “Because he was gone for so long?”

Nodding again, Mackenzie mumbled, “And then he made you leave.”

Erin actually gasped. “No, pumpkin. He didn’t make me leave. I promise.” When Mackenzie had looked up again and met her eyes, she continued, “He didn’t want me to leave. But I…I needed to be with
my
daddy for a little while. There’s nothing your daddy wants more than to be with me, you, and Anna. That’s the truth, Mackenzie.”

After scanning her face intently, Mackenzie nodded once. Released a little of the tension from the stiff set of her neck and shoulders.

“So can you go say hi to him now?” Erin asked, unable to keep from looking over toward Seth.

He had stopped approaching them when Anna reached him. Now he was kneeling on the grass with one arm around Anna. But she could tell—even from this distance—that his eyes were focused on them.

He was waiting. Waiting for Mackenzie.

Erin’s throat started to ache even more, knowing how Seth must be feeling, and she prayed she hadn’t made everything worse by taking this week away from him.

Mackenzie didn’t move.

“Pumpkin,” Erin murmured, tilting up Mackenzie’s chin. “You know how Daddy hurt your feelings a little and how hard that was for you?” Mackenzie’s eyes were so like Seth’s that Erin almost choked on the words. “Well, I think you might be hurting Daddy’s feelings a little, by not going to say hi to him.”

Mackenzie made a little noise in her throat and jerked her head to look over at Seth, who was still quietly waiting for her. Her face twisted painfully.

But she still wouldn’t move.

Starting to feel a little desperate—and horribly afraid that she was somehow to blame for this—Erin gestured down at the dandelion mat. “Why don’t you show Daddy what you did with the dandelions? I’m sure he’ll be very glad to see it.”

Mackenzie’s body twitched, as if she’d been about to get up, but she couldn't seem to complete the motion.

Studying her daughter’s face closely, Erin suddenly realized something. Mackenzie wasn’t being angry, or hurt, or stubborn, or willful.

The poor thing was absolutely terrified.

Finally understanding something important, Erin rose to her feet and brushed off her skirt and top. “Did you want me to come with you?” she offered, stretching out her hand. “We can go see Daddy together.”