Christmas Miracle: A Family (2 page)

She shook her head, couldn’t tell him that what she would have needed from him would have been too great. She’d survived the plane crash, but in so many little pieces. James would have wanted to be the one to put those pieces back together again, and the timing…it couldn’t be helped. He’d just met Tyler. And only just learned how it truly felt to love a child so desperately.

And she’d lost hers…theirs. Lost her baby before James ever knew he existed. And not telling James, not letting him be part of those few months she carried their baby, was the unpardonable sin. Not letting him be there at the delivery of their son, and hold him the way she’d been allowed to for those brief moments… It was all too late now. What was done was done. She couldn’t go back and change it, and she refused to go forward and hurt James. He didn’t deserve that. And she…she didn’t deserve a man as good as James. “I disappeared because I had issues to resolve, and physical problems to work out.”

“Without me,” he said. “Even after what we’d been to each other, you wanted to do it without me?”

“Our relationship was still new, James. A few weekends. Good weekends, and that unbelievable week together, lots of long phone calls in between. Plans, expectations and excitement. But it was so much, and so fast. After the crash I had time to think about it, to realize that…”

“That you didn’t love me? Because you’d said you did.”

“Maybe we were confusing our emotions.” She hated this, hated saying something that wasn’t true because she’d known quickly into their relationship that James was the one. But she’d gone so far beyond that now, and there was no way back. “Maybe what we thought we had wasn’t real.”

“I don’t believe that, Fallon,” he snapped. “Not a word of it. But if that’s the way you want to do this between us…”

“Not
us
, James. Not any more. But since you’re in White Elk now, we can still be friends…”

“And you think that’s enough?”

“I think it’s all there is.” Not all she wanted, but all she could have.

“You’re wrong, Fallon. I can see it in your eyes. Something you’re not saying. Something you want to say to me, but won’t.”

She shut her eyes. Drew in a steadying breath, and pushed herself away from the table. “You’re the one who’s wrong. I’ve said everything I want to say. And now there’s nothing else.”

Drawing back from her, he studied her for a moment. “That first time I saw you in Salt Lake City, when you were transferring a patient to the hospital, I knew, Fallon. Knew that if I were the marrying kind, you’d be the kind
I’d want to marry. Then you turned me into the marrying kind. I didn’t change my life and my entire outlook on a whim. I changed because I knew you, even in a short time I knew you, and knew you were the one worth making those changes for. You were so amazing and open and honest, and you went after life in such a big way. And I don’t believe you’ve changed. Maybe you believe you have, but you’re not the one standing here, looking at the same woman I saw back then. I am looking at her, though, and what I’m seeing more than anything else is…confusion. Pain.”

The most open, honest woman…well, not any more. But to be honest would be to wound him in so many ways and, no matter what he said, she couldn’t bring herself to do that. She just couldn’t. So she stood and left the restaurant without another word. Without looking back. Without letting him see the tears.

“OK,
HE
lives here now,” she reasoned as she stepped out of her front door for her morning walk. “A lot of people live here that I never see, and just because he’s working here it doesn’t mean that I’ll have to run into him.” In fact, knowing he was here was good because she could go out of her way to avoid him. Catie’s Overlook was out now because, apparently, he lunched there. Of course, returning to White Elk Hospital wasn’t going to happen now, no matter how much Eric and Neil wanted her back, as that’s where James worked. But Gabby had offered her a permanent job at Three Sisters Women’s Clinic and Hospital, and in time she might be able to face nursing duty there. Someday, when she wasn’t so sensitive to mothers with new babies.

The good thing was, James should rarely have reason to be there. “It could work,” she concluded. Then, in time, after she’d avoided him enough, the habit would sink in. Yes, that’s the way it would be. Or else she couldn’t stay in White Elk. And the thought of leaving was more than she could bear. But, realistically, it was a choice she might have to make.

It was a brisk morning. Just a few weeks away from Christmas, snow was beginning to pile up higher in the mountains, and it wouldn’t be long before it found its way
down to the lower elevations in more than just sprinkles and showers. She loved crisp mornings like this, when her breath was visible in white puffs, when the glistening of frost on the trees looked like diamonds. Heavy sweaters, snow boots, mittens and hot chocolate…her favorite things of the season, and she was glad she was well enough to be part of it. For a time she hadn’t been sure that would happen, hadn’t been sure she’d ever see anything outside the gray cement block walls of the rehab hospital. Those had been bleak days, days full of so much pain and so little hope. But finally coming home, especially at this time of year…

“How far do you go now on your morning walks?”

He startled her, and Fallon immediately retreated for her front door.

“You don’t have to run from me,” James said. He was standing at the edge of her cottage, his hand shielding his eyes, staring up at the Older Sister. “Wasn’t it you who said, just yesterday, that we could still be friends?”

“What are you doing here?” she said abruptly.

“Taking a walk,
with a friend
. You got me into the walking habit, and it’s something I look forward to in the mornings now. I thought maybe we could walk together, the way we used to. Just as friends, like I said.”

“I walk alone,” she snapped.

He turned to face her, the clean, sharp lines of face now coming into her full view. “But I thought you were open to having a friend? And the truth is, I really need a friend because I don’t really know anybody here in White Elk, except you. So I thought it would be nice if the two of us could…”

“No, it wouldn’t be nice,” she said, trying to avert her eyes from him, trying not to let herself get caught up in what she knew would so easily catch her. “And I don’t
know why you’re doing this to me, James. I made it clear that I can’t get involved with you again.”

“I’m sorry, Fallon. If I have to say that a million times before you believe me, that’s what I’ll do. I’m so sorry. We both went through a difficult time but I never meant to hurt you. And I know you say I didn’t, but I must have in some profound way.”

His voice was so kind, so sincere, so agonizingly patient it nearly melted her heart. “You didn’t hurt me, James,” she whispered, turning away. But he caught her by the arm and turned her back to him.

“Then what is it? For God’s sake tell me, so I can make it right.”

“There’s nothing to make right. I…I’ve changed since the accident. And now all I’m trying to do is get on with my life. There’s nothing more to say about it, James. There’s nothing left of the
us
you want us to be. I can’t be anything you want. I don’t have anything left that we wanted together.”

He sighed deeply. “So maybe all I want right now is a companion on a nice morning walk. Is that asking too much?”

She looked up at him again. “And Tyler?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Haven’t seen him for a couple of months. Don’t even know where he is. His mother came and took him back for the second time, and I’ve been looking ever since.”

Her heart broke for him, and she knew that being near him, trying to be his friend or even a casual acquaintance wouldn’t work because she would be compelled to tell him the truth at some point. And break his heart even more. “I’m sorry it’s not working out for you.”

“So am I. He’s my son. I have the right to be a part of his life. But Shelly keeps taking that away from me.”

Dear God, it hurt him, hurt her. And she didn’t want to keep doing this, over and over. But their circumstances were what they were. She’d made a bad choice and nothing about it could be changed. “We can’t do this, James.”

“I’m not doing anything, Fallon, but asking to take a walk with you. That’s all. Just a walk. This morning. No expectations attached to it. I mean, aren’t you the one who told me it was so much nicer having someone to walk with? Remember that?”

She had said that, during the most wonderful time of her life, hadn’t she? Back before having James so close to her was a painful reminder of so many losses. “Walking, no talking. Those are my terms. And so you’ll know, I walk two miles out then two miles back. The first part is uphill, at a brisk pace. I won’t slow down for you. If you can keep up with me, fine. If not, the trail is clearly marked and you won’t have any difficulty finding your way back.”

Rather than be dissuaded, as she’d hoped he would be, he simply chuckled.

“What’s so funny?” she asked.

“You. You haven’t changed a bit. That’s exactly the same thing you told me the first time we walked together—except the part about walking and not talking. But if you recall, I kept up pretty well for someone who wasn’t used to executing a vigorous morning constitutional the way you were.”

“I slowed down for you that time,” she said, spinning around and heading off down the path at the side of her cottage. Heading quite vigorously, as James would call it. “This time I won’t.”

“And this time you don’t have to.” He caught up to her in several easy strides, matching her pace perfectly. “I’m in
better shape, thanks to a very good teacher who convinced me about the merits of regular exercise.”

She didn’t answer him.

He chuckled. “You’re not going to be easy, are you? Of course, I didn’t expect that you would be. But I want to make this work between us, Fallon. Want to try it again. Start slow and steady and see what happens from there.”

“You can do whatever you want, James. I can’t stop you. But just be clear, you’ll be doing it by yourself because I’m done with us.”

“Because you’ve met someone else? Is that it?”

She was still at the point in this break-up, so raw from it, that she believed there could never be anybody else. She’d believed that the first time he’d kissed her, the first time he’d held her hand, the first time they’d made love. And while she didn’t want to, she still did believe that. Especially now that he was here, now that the memories were so vivid. “There’s no one else,” she told him. “Just me, and I’ve changed.” In deep, profound ways.

That’s all she said, and they spent the next four miles in total silence. Fallon didn’t speak, neither did James. For which she was grateful. It was nice having him tagging along, though. Felt normal. As normal as she’d felt in all these months. Then the walk ended and he made no pretense of wanting anything more. She expected he’d ask to come inside her cottage for some reason…a glass of water, or a cup of hot tea. She even thought he might allude to seeing her same time, same place tomorrow. But he didn’t. When they reached her house he gave her a very casual “Thanks for letting me walk along” then trotted away.

OK, so maybe she was a little disappointed. Largely, though, she was relieved. It’s what she wanted, what she
demanded now. The only way she could deal with Dr. James Galbraith, and survive.

“And then I want to go on the Christmas train. They have hot chocolate, and we can feed the reindeer. And see the dinosaurs. They have lights on them.”

“The dinosaurs have lights?” James teased, popping the stethoscope from his ears.

“All colors. But we can’t get close ’cause they might be real.”

“What might be real? The lights, or the dinosaurs?”

The freckle-faced six-year-old giggled. “The dinosaurs, silly.”

“So the lights might not be real?”

Matthew Brower, or Matty as he insisted on being called, scrunched up his nose, trying to figure out the answer to James’s question. “I think they’re real, too,” he finally said as James helped him down off the exam table. “That’s why they light up…I think.”

James tousled Matty’s curly white-blond hair. “Sounds like the Christmas train is going to be fun. Do they allow adults to ride on it?”

Matty shrugged. “Just moms and dads, I think. Maybe grandpas and grandmas, too.”

Well, for this month, and who knew for how long, that didn’t include
him
. Didn’t matter. Without Tyler, and worried about Fallon the way he was, James wasn’t in a very festive mood for the holidays, anyway. “You have fun, Matty,” he said, “and watch out for those dinosaurs. Especially the ones with the red lights. They’re the tricky ones.”

Matty rolled his eyes at James, like that was a fact every sensible person on the planet already knew, then he skipped out of the exam room while James gave final
instructions to Mrs. Brower. Limited activity for another few days, plenty of rest, continue taking his antibiotics, and by the beginning of the week Matty’s bronchitis would be completely gone. “Call me if you have any questions,” he told her on the way out the door, “and if you don’t mind, I’d like you to bring him in one more time so I can listen to his chest again. As a precaution. Just stop by when it’s convenient, no need to make an appointment.”

No appointment. He liked that. Wasn’t used to the laid-back way medicine was practiced here, but he did like it. Looked forward to a long association. Though that was still pretty much up in the air, because if he truly made Fallon’s life miserable by being here, he would rethink his decision.

“I think Matty’s on the mend,” Dinah Ramsey commented, as she passed James in the hall.

“On the mend and excited by something called the Christmas train…it has dinosaurs.”

Dinah chuckled. “That’s all my daughters have been talking about for weeks. Apparently, it’s a big tradition here in the valley. For two weeks, it’s a Christmas train for the children then for the next few months it’s an old-fashioned steam locomotive taking skiers from slope to slope.”

“Quaint,” James said.

“Do you ski?”

“Sometimes. When I have someone to ski with.”

“Fallon might be up to it, at least on the gentle slopes. I know she spent all her time on skis before…” Dinah stopped herself. “I guess that’s not the best suggestion to make, is it?”

“It’s awkward. But I’ll have to get used to it.”

“We all understand, James. It’s been tough on everybody. Fallon’s like an institution in White Elk. Everybody
depended on her so much I think she was probably taken for granted in the past. Getting along without her is a tough adjustment on everybody at the hospital, and it’s hard to know what to do around her sometimes. You know, like treading on eggshells. And your situation with her…”

“I think she’s made it perfectly clear there is no situation.”

Dinah gave his arm a sympathetic squeeze. “I’m sorry. For both of you. I hope it gets easier for you in time.”

Time…something he had plenty of. He was a doctor and he was…nothing else. That’s all there was. Six months ago he’d pictured himself as a man who’d be married by Christmas. And now… “I hope so, too,” he told Dinah before Emoline Putters, the irascible ward clerk, shooed him off to his next appointment.

“Mrs. Shelly Geary, and her son Tyler,” Emoline announced, shoving the chart into his hands. “She claims the boy has a cough, but I haven’t heard him.”

A surge of excitement shot through James, followed by a surge of anger and the dread he’d come to know so well. So it was starting over. Except this time he wasn’t giving up. He was ready to fight for Tyler. Ready for a different ending to this chapter in his life. Maybe he couldn’t win Fallon back, but he sure as hell was going to win custody of his son.

“How are you doing, Tyler?” James said, putting on a happy face when he walked into the exam room. He wanted the boy to smile, to be happy to see him again. Wanted to hug the boy. But that wouldn’t be the case today. Both times before, when Shelly had dropped him off, Tyler had been sullen. Nothing had changed. Still, James’s heart swelled the instant he saw his son because the last time Shelly had taken him away, he wasn’t sure he’d ever see Tyler again.

“James,” Shelly said, without the least bit of concern in her voice.

“In the hall!” he demanded, then exited the room.

She followed. “It’s not like you think—” she started.

But James interrupted her. “What’s different this time? Does Donnie want to keep him and
you’re
the one who doesn’t want him?” Donnie, the husband who didn’t want to raise a son that wasn’t his. That was the reason she’d brought Tyler to him the first two times and he had no reason to believe that wasn’t the reason this time.

“You’ve got it all wrong. Donnie tries really hard, but Tyler gets on his nerves. And Donnie’s got this new job now…”

“Save it, Shelly. I don’t care about your excuses, and I sure as hell don’t care about your husband.” Two nurses in the hall raised eyebrows, and then James led Shelly into the empty exam room across the hall and slammed the door shut. “The only one who’s important here is Tyler, and I’ll swear if you’ve…”

“Tyler doesn’t even try, James. He breaks things, and throws tantrums. Donnie works hard, and when he comes home at night he wants peace and quiet. Doesn’t he have a right to have peace and quiet in his own home?”

A million things crossed James’s mind, things he wanted to say, things he wanted to scream. But he wouldn’t because none of it mattered. At the end of the day, all he cared about was Tyler and, God willing, he was going to get permanent custody of him this time. “Look, just get out of here. I don’t give a damn why you’re dropping him off, don’t give a damn what Tyler’s doing to make your husband angry.”