Christmas Miracle: A Family (14 page)

But hating Fallon?

That would never happen. “It wouldn’t be hate I’d have, waking up with you on that morning, Fallon. I might be angry, might want to put my fist through the wall…hell, if your walls weren’t made of logs I’d put a fist through one right now. But these are things we can work through. Maybe get counseling…get it right away.”

“I can’t trust that, James. I can’t trust…anything.”

“Not even me?”

“I do trust you. That’s the thing. You’re the best person I’ve even known. The most noble. Someone who deserves a life with someone
they
can trust. And can you really say, right now, that you do trust me? Completely? Is trust your initial reaction toward me after everything I’ve told you?”

It wasn’t. To be honest, there were so many emotions in him right now, he didn’t know what he was feeling. “I need some time…”

“All the time in the world,” she said, almost sounding relieved. “Because I don’t have the heart to ever find out that you stopped loving me one day, and started hating me.”

“I never knew you thought so little of me, Fallon,” he snapped, rising from the couch.

“I don’t think so little of you. But I do trust human
nature. It always comes through.” And, finally, it was over. She’d pushed him away.

“You’re wrong, Fallon. Dead wrong. I love you. That’s all this is. I love you. But I can’t do this right now.” He stormed out, got to the den door, then turned around and went back to the living room. “And just so you’ll know, I still love you. But you know what? I don’t think you love me. You couldn’t. Or else you’d have included me in this decision…not the one about our baby, but the one about ending our relationship. Because true love’s about inclusion, not exclusion. And you talk about people turning their backs…about how you thought I’d turn my back on you eventually. Well, you’re the one who turned your back. Not me. You.”

“That’s not fair! I’m doing this for you.”

“Don’t!” He ran an angry hand through his hair. “Pushing away someone who loves you, someone you love… You’ve fooled yourself into thinking you’re doing this for me when, in reality, it’s for you because it’s the easy way out. Without me, you won’t have to deal with your guilt. Not over what you did to me. But especially not over losing our baby. And that’s the real guilt here, Fallon. The real anger.” His voice softened. “Our baby died and you don’t know what to do about it. Push me away, and you push that away from you, too. And, sweetheart, we really should be pulling together now. Now’s the time we should be depending on each other to get us through it, except you won’t let yourself depend on anybody, will you? And that gets to the heart of the matter. You can’t let yourself depend on someone else.” He shut his eyes, drew in an agonized breath. “Look, I love you, Fallon, and that’s not going to change. But I love Tyler, and he needs me. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the one you trusted enough to
help make you whole again, but my son needs that from me now.”

“And you should give it to him,” she said.

“I’ll give it to you, too. If you’ll let me. But you have to be the one to ask, because I’ve done everything I can do, and I’ve run out of ideas. I want to marry you, want you to be Tyler’s mother, but the next move is yours, Fallon. I have to fight the battles for my son, and I’ll fight the battles for you…for us, too, but I have to know you’ll be fighting with me, not against me. And here’s the thing. It’s OK to depend on someone else. I don’t think you realize that, don’t think you’ve ever allowed yourself to do it. And I’m not criticizing you for that, because I think you learned at a very young age that you couldn’t depend on anyone. Tyler’s learned the same thing but I’m going to teach him differently. I’m going to show him that some people will let him down, but most will not. You depend on someone, they let you down, it breaks your heart, and that’s all he knows right now. All you know. Because of that you grew up strong. So strong that you became the one everybody else depended on. Then somewhere along the line you perceived any weakness in yourself as something that would let the people who depend on you down. They take you for granted…I took you for granted. But the one who takes you the most for granted is you, because you have to keep yourself at a respectable distance, especially when deep down you just want to lean on someone else for a little while. But here’s the thing, Fallon. We all need to depend on others at one time or another. Hell. That’s all I’ve been doing since Tyler came into my life.”

He paused for a moment, watched her for something, anything. Saw the barriers up all around her, didn’t know how to bring them down. And realized it wasn’t up to him. Couldn’t be up to him. Fallon had to want it. Fallon had
to do it. Until she did, this was where they would stay. On that sad note, he walked over to her, bent, kissed her tenderly on forehead then straightened. “You’re afraid to reach out, Fallon. Because what if you did and no one was there…like no one was there when you were a little girl? That’s what this is about. Somewhere, some time, you’ve convinced yourself it’s easier to do it alone. You stand out there by yourself as this larger-than-life woman who doesn’t need anybody, someone who can handle everything by herself. But you’re still that little girl who got pushed away, and you’ve convinced yourself that if you do it all alone, no one will hurt you. But you’re hurt. And you’re wrong. You can’t do this alone. You shouldn’t do this alone because what you’ve gone through… Our son died, Fallon. You didn’t kill him. It wasn’t your fault. No one should ever have to face something like that alone, and I’m sorry you didn’t know that.”

James drew in a deep breath, wanting her to respond, to say something, anything. But she wouldn’t. He knew that. Knew from the expression in her eyes she was shutting him out again. And now there were no more words. It truly was up to Fallon. “I love you,” he said. “I’ve done so many things the wrong way, so have you. But I’d never wake up some morning, look at you, and hate you. That’s not what you’re running away from, Fallon. And not why you’re pushing me away either. I’m sorry for the choices we’ve both made, but there would never be a morning in my life that I wouldn’t wake up knowing I loved you more than life. I trust that in myself. And I only hope you find some way to trust it in me, too. And in yourself. But if you can’t…”

James withdrew to the den and shut the door, leaving Fallon alone, next to the Christmas tree. Looking up at
the star on the top. “What have I done?” she whispered, pulling the blanket up to her chin, then rolling into a ball in the cushions. “What have I done?”

T
HE
evening settled in bright and clear for the inaugural journey of the Christmas train, and a light dusting of snow throughout the day had made the whole event even more perfect for all the children lined up, anxiously waiting to board. For Fallon, it meant nothing, as she’d turned down numerous invitations to take the first ride. But for Tyler, and his new best friends Paige and Pippa, the all-day anticipation had been almost as bad as waiting for Christmas itself to arrive.

“Why can’t she come?” Tyler whined, as he and James moved through the line to climb the steps to the train car. The train consisted of a circa 1928 steam locomotive, two cars and a bright red caboose. All restored to period, with a few exceptions meant to occupy the interests of children. Additions such as twinkling lights, music piped through the entire train and a refreshment stand specializing in hot chocolate and sugar cookies. Santa’s huge throne-like chair, too. Elevated on a platform, painted in glitzy gold. For two weeks, a child’s fantasy come true.

“She has other plans,” James said stiffly. She was going to sit at home and order tongue depressors, or thermometers, or accomplish some other equally dull task. That’s all she’d done for the past week…work. Since their talk, she’d avoided him as much as she could, choosing
instead to spend any time they might have had together with her head buried in a catalog. Oh, she was wonderful with Tyler. They’d gone Christmas shopping, gone to the Ramseys’ to bake Christmas cookies, gone sledding. All of it when he was working, of course. Then, when he came home, she retreated to her catalogs. That had been their sole existence for seven long, stressful days. But he’d never once thought that she wouldn’t come with them for a ride on the Christmas train.

Then, a little over an hour ago, she’d begged off, saying she had work to do. Tyler’s response had been to turn sullen, then knock over and break a lamp. Sometimes it seemed like they were taking two steps forward, one step back. And this latest setback with the boy was definitely that one step back. In another week, after Christmas, the backward steps they were going to have to face would be insurmountable, he was afraid. But what choice did he have? Fallon didn’t want him. Even after everything that had been said between them, she hadn’t budged. But Tyler desperately needed him, which made his course clear.

It took an hour to board everyone, get them seated in close proximity to Santa, who was, after arguments and promises, Walt Graham, on his best behavior. New diet, being overseen and cooked by Catie, owner of Catie’s Overlook. Promises to take his medications, being overseen by Neil, Eric and Gabby. Promises to exercise more, being overseen on daily walks with Pippa and Paige Ramsey. All part of the bargain to be Santa. “Ho, ho, ho!” he yelled as the train finally pulled away from the station and dozens of children sat on the edges of their seats, waiting to be called to visit Santa.

“I wish Fallon had come,” Gabby said, handing her son, Bryce, to his dad while she made herself comfy on the seat by propping a pillow behind her back. “She’s been working
like crazy, and we’re really not going to be doing much toward opening the hospital until after my baby arrives. She’s been so stressed out lately, and I think this would have been good for her.”

“Any excuse,” James muttered, sounding as bitter as he felt. It was sinking in, all of it. And, yes, he did hurt. Badly. But he was also angry, and not about the decisions Fallon had made those months ago. He was angry for the ones she was making now…the ones that kept him from helping her get through this. That kept her from helping him get through this. They needed to be doing this together, dealing with it, healing, holding onto each other through the pain, but every day she seemed to pull away from him more and more. “If it hadn’t been work, it would have been something else.”

“Sounds like the two of you aren’t doing very well right now.”

“Actually, there’s no such thing as the two of us. Ask Fallon. She’ll be the first to tell you that we’ve gone our separate ways. It’s what she’s wanted all along and it finally happened. She got her way.” She’d won, but they’d both lost.

Gabby exchanged wary glances with Dinah, who was sitting directly across from her. “I thought she’d been doing better lately,” Dinah ventured. “I mean, the only times I’ve seen her these past several days she’s been with Tyler. And she looks totally happy. They have a good time together, and I don’t think she’s faking that.”

“She’ll do anything in the world for Tyler.” Just not for Tyler’s dad, he thought.

“Well, give it time,” Gabby consoled. “I’m sure things will work out. Fallon’s come a long way in just these past weeks. After what she’s been through, it’s pretty amazing, when you come to think about it.”

“Well, what I
don’t
have is time. Being a single dad is taking up every spare minute I have. I’m either working or taking care of Tyler, which isn’t a complaint. But it’s a fact of life for me now, and while I’d rather be doing everything with Fallon, she’s not budging.” He didn’t know if her friends knew, or even suspected, the reason, and it wasn’t up to him to tell them.

“But you’re still going after full custody of Tyler, aren’t you?” Dinah asked.

“It’s in the works. My investigator finally located Shelly, so the legal papers were served and now we’re waiting to see if the court gets a response from her.” He’d wanted to celebrate that next step with Fallon, but she’d turned him down. Told him to celebrate with his son.

“And?” Dinah pushed.

“Nothing, so far. The judge has given her another week to respond then we’re moving forward with or without her.” With or without Fallon, too. Truth was, he was happy about almost everything. Not having Fallon part of his happiness with Tyler dampened the mood, but didn’t ruin it. He wasn’t going to let that happen. However, this should have been the best time of his life, and in ways it was. Still, part of him was holding back. He knew that, and couldn’t get past it because hoping for Fallon to change her mind was dragging him down. Nonetheless, this was about Tyler, now. Meaning he had to move on and hope Fallon followed someday. Or, learn to live without her if she didn’t.

“Well, if there’s anything Eric and I can do to help you, please don’t hesitate to ask. Our daughters are infatuated with your son…” She pointed to the seat across the aisle where the three of them had their faces plastered to the glass, looking at all the magical Christmas decora
tions outside. Lights formed in images of ice skaters, and palaces, and dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs… Just like Matty Brower had promised. It was time to shake off the glum mood and enjoy the ride with his son. “I appreciate the offer, but so far Tyler and I are doing fine. He’s still up and down with the behavioral issues, but even those seem to be evening out.” Evening out like Fallon had said they would. Damn, he wished she’d come on this trip. If ever anybody needed a flashing red Christmas dinosaur to brighten her life, it was Fallon.

She couldn’t wrap her mind around tongue depressors. Not today, not any more. The job was nice to have, it gave her a sense of purpose, but it was also filling her with such longing to return to nursing. This evening, she was particularly restless. She’d wanted to go on the Christmas train but, truly, she didn’t belong there. It was for the children, and their parents or grandparents. She wasn’t a parent. She didn’t have a child, didn’t want to sit on a train full of parents who had their children. It would have hurt so much. More than that, she would be losing Tyler, soon. And James. So much loss for her Christmas, she just couldn’t put on the act tonight. Not even for Tyler’s sake. This was the way it was meant to be but she’d never counted on it hurting so much. Never counted on feeling so empty.

Well, she’d made her choices. The ones in the past, the ones now.
Her choices
. That’s what she’d have to keep telling herself. Because James…what he’d said. She did want to believe that, did want, with all her heart, to trust that. “But it’s what you wanted,” she reminded herself as she stared at the Christmas tree, trying to forget. Yet she couldn’t. Because the harder she tried, the more she thought about James, about the things he’d said. There’d
been times these past days when she’d been on the verge of convincing herself that he was totally wrong about everything, telling her she was afraid to let someone help her, that she found it easier to be alone than have someone there to help her. At those times she almost believed he had been lashing out at her because he’d been hurt. Then she’d think about James, remember the reasons she’d fallen in love with him so quickly, so deeply, and realize that he never lashed out unfairly at anyone. And that he had deep, thoughtful perception. When she let herself remember that, the thoughts that always followed were how he was right. Right about everything. Then her gut would knot, knowing how wrong she’d been.

But making it right? It scared her to death. She didn’t know how. Didn’t want to feel the excruciating pain again.

So tonight she was alone, staring at the tree. A beautiful tree. Tyler had been adding ornaments daily, some he’d bought, others he’d made. She loved these days with him, wanted more. Hoped that James would allow her some visitations, too. In fact, she was positioning a few of Tyler’s hand-made ornaments front and center when the phone rang. It was Emoline Putters, in a panic.

“Don’t know what to do,” she cried. “We’ve got Dr. McGinnis on call, and she can’t leave the hospital…”

“Slow down,” Fallon said. “Take a deep breath. Start at the beginning.”

Emoline’s deep breath was audible over the phone. “It’s the train,” she finally said. Then paused.

In that pause, a million bad scenarios passed through Fallon’s mind. She held her breath, trying not to leap ahead, trying hard to hold to the moment. “What about the train?” she asked the older woman.

“They turned the bend at Hubbard’s Creek, started up
the incline there. You know how it gets steep for a while then levels off before it gets steep again. They got to the part that levels off, and…”

Fallon shut her eyes, pictured the terrain. Steep rock face to the right, a small shoulder to the left then a drop-off into the river. Most of the ride was on even ground, but this was one of two places where the lay of the land was a little dicey. Probably not so much for a modern locomotive, but for the antiquated Christmas train…

“Anyway, they started up the second incline…”

She pictured that incline. Not too steep, but steep enough to slow down the train.

“Avalanche off Daphne’s Pointe. Hit part of the train. Buried it.”

Emoline’s voice trailed off. Or maybe it was Fallon’s mind, already on course for something else. “Did it stay on the tracks?” she asked pointedly. “Did the train stay on the tracks?” Worst case scenario, it had been shoved off the tracks and toppled over the edge. Maybe all the way down into the river.

“Don’t know,” Emoline said. “It just happened a minute ago. I called you first.”

“Any communication from anyone on the train?” Unlikely, due to all the mountains.

“Not so far.”

“Is the train completely covered with snow, or is any of it visible?”

“Don’t know anything yet. Except we need you here. Need you to be in charge. You’re the only one, Fallon…”

She didn’t even hesitate when she responded. Because, yes, James was right. People depended on her. “Put out all the normal calls. Get all the rescue crews we have mobilized, call everyone who’s not on shift back to the hospital.
I’m on my way.” For the next ten minutes, trying to keep her mind on the road as she maneuvered through all the icy turns and curves, she caught her thoughts drifting off to James, and Tyler. They were on that train! Trapped, maybe hurt. Maybe… “Dear God,” she whispered, forcing her concentration back on the road. “Take care of them. Please, take care of them.”

The lights were out, and the little pot-bellied stove at the rear of the train car had long since been extinguished for fear that fumes could back up into the train car, cause carbon monoxide poisoning without proper ventilation. There was no way of knowing if this was the only car trapped or if the entire train had been buried. Naturally, his cellphone didn’t work, but James kept trying for a signal anyway. Punching in Fallon’s number, over and over. Finding some comfort in knowing that even though she wasn’t answering, she was out there, somewhere. Or maybe it was simply that the glow from his phone was reassuring. Presently it, along with the glows from other phones, was the only thing that kept them from sitting in pitch blackness.

“When can we get off?” Tyler whined.

“In a while,” he answered. Same answer for the last hour. Same answer all the parents were giving their children.

“But I’m cold. And I want some hot chocolate.”

Me too, James thought as he pulled Tyler closer to him, fully prepared to have Tyler push him away. Which was what he always did when he was grumpy. But this time he wasn’t pushing away. If anything, he seemed to be clinging harder and harder. “When we get off the train, you can have a gallon of hot chocolate. Two gallons, if you can hold that much.”

“What’s a gallon?” Tyler asked.

Paige and Pippa, sitting on the other side of the aisle with their parents, both giggled. “It’s like what the milk comes in,” their united voices rang out. “That’s a gallon.”

“Is it?” Tyler asked James.

“The ladies are right,” James responded, once again flipping open his cellphone. Still no bars. Still no contact. But a little light was good and he dialed her number anyway.

Once again, nothing connected, so he settled back into his seat, staring into that light for a few moments. By now the rescue operation would have been called. Of course, all those in charge of mountain rescue were right here on the train with him. But that didn’t bother him so much because by now Fallon would be in charge. And here he was, depending on that strength in her he’d come so close to criticizing.

“I need to get up and have a look at the scene,” Fallon told Jess Weldon, one of the locals, who owned a helicopter. “Need to see what we’re dealing with before we do anything.” It was dark, no one had any idea as to the extent of the damage. But she couldn’t put any kind of plan into action until she made the proper assessments and that, it seemed, was what everybody expected her to do.