Cinnamon Twigs (18 page)

             
‘Love yours too.’ She grinned. ‘I just wish you weren’t so bloody stubborn!’

             
I don’t know how Lauren put up with my childishness. But she guided me, and I loved and worshipped her.

             
It had been a surreal experience, meeting Elliott again after all those years. The past is often recycled, reappearing in the present. When you feel you’ve moved on, when you feel the past is lost, old flames come back to test you. A figure from the past would soon reappear in my life, and test my relationship with Lauren. I would be torn between Lauren and the first girl I’d ever fallen for - Lisa.

             
I put my mug of coffee in the sink, got dressed and went shopping on my own, in central Cardiff. I was oblivious to the various faces passing me by as I drifted through the sunlit streets. But then I saw Lisa for the first time since we’d broken up. At first, she was just a fleeting image in the corner of my eye. But old feelings instantly revived in a skipped heartbeat, and I knew she’d just walked past me.

             
I wish I hadn’t stopped walking. I should have carried on in the opposite direction and accepted that our paths were separate. But something came over me. I suddenly forgot about Lauren. I went back to my college days in that misty moment, and Lisa became the only girl in my life.

             
I stopped moving and an old lady bumped into me, nearly knocking her false teeth out. I apologized profusely and followed Lisa. Feelings I never thought would come back swirled around in my chest as my heart thundered. I passed a busker who played somberly on an acoustic guitar (the opening chords of Eric Clapton’s
Wonderful Tonight
, G D C D) and, quickening my pace, caught up with my past.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Forever is a Long Time

‘Lisa!’

              ‘Daniel! Well, this is a nice surprise.’

             
We hugged. She felt so warm, as if she belonged in my arms. But Lisa wasn’t mine anymore, and once the heat subsided a fleeting sense of loss came over me.

             
‘Where are you living now?’ I asked.

             
‘After I got my degree I bagged myself a flat down Cardiff Bay.’

             
‘You must have some cash to get a place there!’

             
‘I have a job in advertising. I suppose the pay is pretty decent. So what are you up to these days?’

             
‘Well, I’ve had a novel published.’ I had to mention my literary success before my underwhelming progress in the acting business.

             
‘That’s brilliant! What sort of book is it?’

             
‘A children’s novel.’

             
‘Funny, I never pictured you as a children’s writer!’

             
‘Me neither. I doubt I’ll ever write another children’s book, but it was an interesting experience.’

             
‘Well, that’s pretty amazing anyway.’

             
We walked together. Lisa still avoided the pavement cracks. We spoke about Michael’s funeral, which she’d been unable to attend.

             
‘I was heartbroken.’ She shook her head disconsolately. ‘He was such a lovely guy.’

             
‘I miss him. A
hell
of a lot. Sometimes I feel lost without him to be honest.’

             
‘Incidentally, my dad passed away a few months ago.’

             
‘Oh…’

             
‘He was an alcoholic, living with some slag in Ely. He took his own life after an argument with her. I guess the drink wasn’t enough to keep him happy.’ She concluded with a resentful sigh.

             
‘Were you upset?’

             
‘I guess so. Even though he did his best to hurt me and ruin my childhood, I still loved him in a strange sort of way.’

             
‘You went through some difficult times as a kid, but you’ve definitely come out of it all as a success story.’

             
‘So have you.’ Lisa chuckled. ‘I think your mum has a lot to do with that. She did everything for you.’

             
‘Yeah, I know.’

             
‘She always made me giggle. Sometimes I’d see her walking down the street and she’d stop, look into thin air for about five minutes. It was strange, but funny!’

             
‘Yeah, she used to do that whenever she took me shopping. I couldn’t snap her out of those states, even when people were laughing or colliding into the back of her. It’s a shame we don’t speak anymore.’

             
‘You don’t?’

             
‘No. We had a falling out.’

             
‘I’m sorry to hear that. Seems we only have bad news to tell these days.’

             
‘Not all bad news.’ I smiled.

             
Lisa asked me if I wanted to see her flat. As soon as we made it through her door, everything became a blur. The room swirled around us. It was as if we’d been pulled together by an invisible cord. The electricity had been overwhelming, building up to a euphoric crescendo.

             
Once the ecstasy of lovemaking had abated, guilt washed over me. What the fuck had I done? What about Lauren?

             
Lisa kissed me lingeringly on the lips as I left her. She handed me a slip of paper with her number written on it. But all I could think about was how I would tell Lauren what had happened. I spoke in monosyllables and left Lisa’s place zombified.

             
I realized when I made it back to my flat that I needed to think things over. My head was too mixed up for breaking her heart just yet. I loved Lauren. I didn’t think I loved Lisa anymore, but something had prevented me from parting with her, from exorcising that childhood ghost. Kissing her, having sex with her, had felt as natural as breathing. I understood what a bastard I’d been, but it had honestly felt unavoidable at the time. I know how bad that sounds, and it’s hard to explain, but a great force had pulled Lisa and me together at that moment in her flat. Years of knowing each other, caring, sharing our childhoods, teenage years, first love.

             
I visited Lisa a couple of days later. I couldn’t have both of these girls in my life.

             
‘Things have changed between us,’ she said, as I sat on the edge of her bed.

             
‘How do you mean?’ I croaked, knowing exactly what she meant.

             
‘The other day, I felt like I was just a fuck. It never used to feel that way. We used to be passionate together.’

             
‘You weren’t just a fuck.’

             
‘You don’t have feelings for me anymore, do you?’

             
‘Of course I have feelings for you. I have always had feelings for you.’

             
‘But…’

             
‘But I’ve done a very selfish thing.’

             
‘You’ve met somebody else, haven’t you?’

             
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I have.’

             
‘I didn’t meet anyone at university who compared to you. There’s never been anyone else for
me
.’ Lisa searched my eyes. ‘Who is she?’

             
‘Her name is Lauren.’

             
‘She must be special.’

             
‘She is. Lisa, you were the first girl I ever loved. I’ll always have a place for you in my heart.’

             
‘Cringe! You’re still as cheesy as ever… I can’t believe you met somebody else. It was such a shame we had to break up. It killed me inside.’ Tears filled her pretty eyes.

             
‘I know. It killed me inside as well. But I did a very stupid thing when I came here the other day. I always thought we’d be together, and I wouldn’t meet someone else. But…’

             
‘I thought we’d get back together. I never really believed our break-up was the end. But you’ve met someone else, and you don’t think we can be together again.’

             
‘Yeah,’ I whispered. ‘Life doesn’t always go to plan, does it?’

             
‘I still love you, Daniel.’

             
‘I don’t want to ruin things with Lauren.’ I felt overwhelming sadness stir in my stomach. I wanted to retch this intense emotion, to let it all out.

             
‘I love you enough to set you free, clichéd and naff as that sounds.’ She sighed. ‘I’m sorry that I’m stuck in the past.’

             
I thought I’d moved on from Lisa, but I’d hoped to experience the past one last time. I loved Lauren more than I could ever love another girl and nothing could change that. I’d learned so many lessons from my relationship with Lisa. But my path in life wasn’t the same as hers. For a moment, we’d stumbled across each other again. It could be only for a moment. I couldn’t abandon Lauren. I had to move on. I’d found the perfect girl for me. Maybe, in another world, Lisa and I would be together. But not this world. Not this universe. I’d made my decision. Sleeping with her had been a mistake. I’d gone backwards, seeking what had once been instead of concentrating on what mattered. The past isn’t tangible. It can only be accessed through our memories.

             
I was so fucking scared that I might lose my girlfriend.

             
I forgot about the past as I gazed into Lisa’s teary eyes. All that mattered was the future. My future with Lauren. We had so much more to do. So much further to go in the relationship. We hadn’t lived together for long. I mean, Christ, we were only just getting to the really good bits. It felt like I’d been watching the Daniel and Lauren movie and, despite loving where the story was going, had pressed the stop button just before the pivotal scene.

             
‘It’s wrong of me to question everything,’ I said. ‘Maybe, subconsciously, I’ve questioned my relationship with my girlfriend.’

             
‘It’s human nature to question. But things are never perfect. I don’t think I could handle everything always being rosy. We’re not meant to live in the Garden of Eden. You love this girl. I can tell by the way you look when you talk about her. I remember that look, that smoldering thing you do with your eyes: you two must be pretty close to perfect together. As perfect as you can be. You’re right, you shouldn’t have questioned that.’

             
‘Maybe this was meant to happen.’ I brushed a comma of hair away from my forehead.

             
‘What do you mean?’

             
‘Even if I never admitted it, there were always unanswered questions. I felt we split up before we should have. That always nagged away at me. It didn’t feel right.’

             
‘Maybe we
did
split up before we should have.’ She tousled her hair, a trace of her strawberry scent filling the room.

             
‘But now I know that’s how it was meant to be. I’ve learned lessons from the time we spent as a couple. Even though it felt like we should have stayed together and that nothing good could come of breaking up…’

             
‘I’m gonna miss not having you here to look after me. It’s been a long time, but I never stopped missing you.’ Tears streamed down her cheeks. I wanted to wipe them away, to kiss her eyelids. But no, we weren’t a couple anymore.

             
‘One day, you will find the right guy. He’ll look after you better than I ever could, and you’ll laugh at all this. All this serious relationship talk will seem so funny, so trivial and theatrical.’ My eyelashes became wet. Lisa’s tears were infectious.

             
‘Right now, I don’t think I’ll ever find the right guy. I don’t think I could ever laugh at this.’

             
‘I’m certain of it. It’s hard to believe we’ll never be together again. It was hard to believe when we broke up. It hurt then and it hurts now, but I have to accept it. I love Lauren. Can you accept it too?’

             
‘Accept what?’

             
‘What you have to understand. What we
both
have to understand and acknowledge. This is the end for us, forever.’

             
‘Forever is a long time.’ She wiped her tears away.

             
I’ll never forget those words. Forever is a long time. That sentence would haunt me in the future. Some things are lost to us. Permanently lost. That fact is so painful, and I would feel that pain repeatedly in my life. Lisa’s words would echo in my mind as life threw more challenges at me, as life stripped me, as life built me up, as life did what it does to the living.