He turned back in, leaving me to watch the doors swing alone in the dirt lot.
The rally tomorrow - another war I had no interest in fighting. I thought of Meagan’s eyes flared at me, asking what I wanted. I wanted her. That was it. The things I had to do to keep eyes off me though, those I could do without.
If the Soldiers were going to start blood vendettas, well, staying seemed less and less worth it.
The crickets chirped in the darkened groves around me, and I made my way over to Viper. Meagan and I had no plans on meeting tonight, but I needed her. I needed to know that there was one thing in my life that I could still hold on to.
I rang her number and counted the stars. On the fifth she picked up.
“Vaughn?” she asked.
“You free?” I rubbed my hand across the leather handlebars, trying to remember the feel of her.
“It ain’t one of our nights.”
“I know. I just want to see you.”
“I got school work.”
“Damn, girl. It ain’t gonna be for long.”
A pause came between us, lengthened into a silence. “I’d rather not tonight,” she said finally.
“What?” I asked. “Why not?”
Another pause. “Cause of tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Don’t play, Vaughn. You know what I mean.”
I knew. The way my stomach fell into a pit, I knew what that meant, but I still had to hear it. “What are you talking about?”
“The rally.” She gave me space to talk, and when I didn’t, she went on. “You’re gonna be in it right?”
My turn for silence. Stupid lies passed through my head, but nothing worthy of her brain. “Yes,” I said. “I’ve gotta be there.”
“I knew.”
“You mad?” I asked. “I don’t want to be there. I ain’t gonna do anything, just gear up and stand in line. It’s just for show.”
“What are you trying to show?”
I looked back at the bar, at the place full of the people I was still trying to align with. “I’m trying to show them that I’m still with them. I need them to think that I’m still the guy they know.”
“Are you?”
“You know I’m not.”
“I
don’t
know.” I heard her sigh. “I’m not mad Vaughn. In my mind, I can get that you need to be there for now. I’d just rather not see you till it’s over.”
“And after?”
The hole in my stomach widened as the line filled with only the sound of her breaths. “After…” she said. “After we’ll see where we are. I think I’ll be ok.”
I swallowed. It wasn’t relief, but it wasn’t death either. “I can take that,” I said.
“Good. Alright, then. I’ll talk to you later.”
She clicked off. I stared at the phone as the light dimmed off. The night lay cracked open above, all those distant lights out of reach. There was a lot of places left for me to go, but there was nowhere I really wanted to be.
I thrummed Viper to life and took off on a rambling ride. I roared up the freeway up past downtown, looped around to come back down, then did it again. I might have kept going north, maybe even out of Georgia, but my fucking gas light came on.
I swore at first, but then checked the exits and started to laugh into the wind. I was smack dab in downtown Atlanta. And I knew just the place to fill up.
The station lay empty when I rumbled in. Against the pitch black of the projects around, it shone like a lighthouse. The pump where my mom had died was back in service and I pulled up to it. I took a quick glance around and started to fuel.
There were a couple packs of wild boys, but I met their gazes and made them see I wasn’t easy prey. It struck me that this was a power that Meagan would not have, even though they were her folk.
In fact, I saw now that she and these boys weren’t that similar at all, once you got under the skin. Just like I wasn’t sure I was with the Soldiers under my colors.
A scraping noise stuttered up behind me and I spun around. A tiny old black woman with grey hair and a gap toothed grimace stood at my back. She had a walking stick. I almost laughed.
“Oh,” she said.
“What?”
“You ain’t that white boy.”
“Which white boy?”
She shook her head and started to head back to the gas station. “The one that keeps swinging ‘round every month or so on a bike like that.”
Calix. I knew he came here for inspiration, but I couldn’t see what he’d have to do with this old woman.
“That’s my brother,” I said.
She creaked around, looked over her glasses at my jacket. “Hmph.”
“How you know him?”
“He came in to buy a pack of cigarettes once. I noticed he hadn’t bought gas so I asked him why he was here.”
“And?”
“You know the story, boy. You were here when it happened.”
It took me a couple seconds to realize she was talking about the day my mother was shot. “So what?”
“I was here that day too. The man that killed your momma shot me first.” She patted her hip and winced. Then she started to toddle back in.
“I don’t get it,” I yelled at her. “What’d you come out to say?”
Her body slumped. She swiveled back around. “I told your brother that I felt bad for his momma. You know what he said to me? He said it was too late for apologies. I’m not quick on my feet, but that sat with me, that he thought that I had any need to apologize.”
Yeah, that sounded like Calix. Hell, that sounded like something I might even say not too long ago.
“Anyway, you tell your brother then. Tell him I understand why he’s so angry. Tell him I forgive him.” She paused and gathered strength. “And tell him not to show his white ass around here anymore. Got enough trouble.”
She went back into her store, leaving her words to echo in my head.
It seemed like the sort of thing I might be hearing from other lips not too long from now.
CHAPTER FIVE
Meagan
Saturday dawned way too beautiful to be filled with hate. I lay on my bed trying to be gloomy, but the damn songbirds were whistling just outside my window. They couldn’t wait to greet the morning.
I wondered how simple a life it must be up in the air, with nothing to worry about than staying safe and finding the next thing to eat. There was no past, no future, heck, no mind to be occupied by any of it.
All you had to do to find true love was follow the song that sounded the most beautiful. The male bird might reject you, but it wouldn’t keep you on a leash while he sang trash about birds with feathers like yours
The clock only read 8 AM. I tried to stuff a pillow over my head and go back to sleep, but my shut eyes filled up with images of Vaughn. They weren’t good ones. I remembered the first look I’d had of him, that night many weeks ago. He’d been hard edged and handsome, but there had been no trace of kindness on that face. His blue eyes had turned on me cold as ice, as if I were just another piece of wall to walk past.
I believed him when he’d said it was an act, but it was an effective mask he could put on. He’d be wearing it today.
I’d thought I’d feel fine about it if I just brought it up and we talked about it openly. I’d been meaning to call him ever since he left, but then he’d read my mind and called me. There’d been so much fear in his voice, so much doubt. I couldn’t just ask him to leave if it would tear him apart.
But why hadn’t he read me? Why didn’t he see how truly messed up this whole situation was?
I twisted my tension out into my blanket. No, if I couldn’t live with this, then I would have spoken up. He’d wanted to stay on course and I hadn’t diverted him. Now I needed to live with that choice.
I popped out of bed to brush and shower. Soon I had coffee percolating in the maker downstairs. I sat on the porch with a mug of it in sweats, bathing in the earthy aroma.I had nothing for the day - no shift, no real work. I could study. There was never enough time for that, but I didn’t think venturing in my mind was a good idea.
I flicked through numbers on my phone. There actually wasn’t an awful lot of ‘Vaughn’ in my history. We were either together or we didn’t talk. Today would fall into the latter category. I tried Marissa, cause I knew she lived nearby, but she didn’t pick up. It was a Saturday morning. She’d be on top of some guy probably.
My next choice was Aubrey. I was just going to text her to ask if she wanted to gather Faith and meet, but I felt like speaking. She picked up, first ring.
“Hey Meagan.”
“Hey, honey. I didn’t wake you up right?”
“No, no, I was already starting to get ready.”
My mood dipped. “Oh you got plans?”
“No, I mean I decided that I’d meet up with you after all.”
I didn’t remember arranging anything. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, what the hell, I’m close to downtown anyway, right? Why not join you and see what this rally is all about?”
“The rally?” Oh, no. “I’m not going to that. I was just messing around.”
“You’re not going?”
“Yeah, no. I’m not.”
“What the hell, Meg?” She groaned like a disappointed tiger. “You got me looking into this stuff. I’m curious now.”
“What, you’re a white supremacist?”
“Yeah, you know me, just looking for a reason. Ugh, no, I’m in psych. These people are interesting psychologically.”
“Dumb, you mean.”
“Whatever. In any case, I’m going. Please come? It’s gonna be so awkward if I’m standing there listening to that stuff without a certified black friend next to me.”
“No, Aubrey, I don’t wanna hear that junk.”
“Oh come on, you know they’re harmless. It’s like that crazy guy holding up signs on campus.”
I had a panicked vision of her eyes roaming across a line of hard eyed bikers and landing on Vaughn’s face. He wouldn’t recognize her, but I doubted she’d forgotten him.
“It’s gonna be boring, Aubrey. Just pointless sermons and stuff.”
“Yeah, so there’s no big deal right? Well, either way, I’m going. Please let me know if you’re going to change your mind. Also, please change your mind.”
I let out a nervous laugh. “Fine, but don’t hold out.”
“K. Love ya.”
The line clicked off. This was my fault. I’d invited this madness into my life. All of it, really, but this in particular. I paced on my creaking porch, rapping my fingers along the coffee cup and trying to picture a way Aubrey would pass over Vaughn. Maybe he would be hard to tell apart from his club. A bunch of buzzcut white guys in the same outfit and the same thousand yard stares? Yeah, maybe.
The coffee was exactly the wrong move. It churned in my stomach and boiled up all types of conversations that awaited me when we next met. Aubrey was going there to psychoanalyze people, but I must be the more interesting subject. Knowingly dating a racist? Or even a guy who wasn’t sure if he was racist? Oh god, what if she invited Faith too? What a mess that would be. This thing between me and Vaughn would contaminate the rest of my life.
I was starting to sweat and shiver. I reached for the door handle to go back inside, but stopped myself from opening. My issues didn’t disappear at the doorstep. I’d be even more alone inside.
I itched my head uselessly. God, why had Vaughn put me in this situation?
The world around me seemed to slow. A dizzying wave of clarity washed over me and I gripped the doorknob to stay up. Everything seemed more real. The wooden grains of the door stood out, the sounds of my soft little neighborhood chirped out crisp.
And I knew. I knew exactly what it was that bothered me about the whole situation.
I was turning Vaughn into another Rico. He hadn’t hit me, sure. Heck, I think he even loved me. But he was forcing me to hide his secret. He was out there putting on a show, proving to his family and club that he was who they thought he was, leaving me to be embarrassed for him. I was the dam holding his faults away from the world.
Why should I? Was it my fault that I got beaten? Was it my fault I fell for a white nationalist? I’d held Rico’s crimes in for so long as if it was shame on my part, and they had eaten at me and reduced me to nothing.
I wasn’t going to hold in Vaughn’s flaws. Let people know the kind of guy I was dating. If it seemed so messed up, then maybe it was.
Maybe I’d have to deal with it as cleanly as I’d dealt with it before.
I texted Aubrey:
Fine, I’m coming.
She buzzed back right away:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I rushed in, set aside the coffee and got dressed to go out. As I was pulling over my sweater, static stinging me, another thought struck me. I grabbed my phone and dialed another number.
“Hello?” Darryl said, grumbling.
“Wake up, sleepyhead.”
“
You
wake up. It’s barely…9? Huh, why you calling so early?”
“I’m in trouble.”
I could almost hear him jolt to his feet. “What? What’s wrong?”