Clipped by Love (Bellevue Bullies #2) (36 page)

She doesn’t say anything as I stand, sliding my wallet into my pocket.

“So,” I say softly. “That was something, eh?”

She nods slowly, sucking in a breath. “Something is right. Surprised you were able to do all that after the laps you did.”

“Nothing could hold me back from you as soon as you gave in,” I say then, and her face deepens with color.

“I didn’t give in.”

I laugh. “Never admit defeat, huh?”

Looking up at me, she smiles. “Never, especially to you.”

I shrug. “After that, I’d say we both won.”

Looking away, her grin is still on her lips, and I wish she’d just look at me. Clearing her throat, she says, “So yeah, we’re good, then?” Looking up at me, she nods and says, “I feel the tension is gone.”

I scoff. “You think so?”

She bites the inside of her cheek and nods. She’s not only lying to me but to herself too. The tension may be gone, but the need is still there. Screaming at us to go at it again, and while I’m down for round two, three, four, five, and even one hundred, I can tell she isn’t. She doesn’t know how to handle what she is feeling, and that upsets me. Why doesn’t she just let go? Why can’t she just trust me?

Unable to hold it in, I ask, “Why are you holding back?”

She looks up at me, confused. “What do you mean?”

“Why are you fighting this?” I say, moving my hand between us. “You feel what I feel, right?”

Holding my gaze, she sucks in deep breaths, letting them out in a whoosh. “It doesn’t matter what I feel, because this,” she says, mocking my hand movements, “can’t happen.”

“Even though it would be good?” I ask, and she shakes her head.

“You don’t know that, and I’m not willing to try. I don’t have time for it; I don’t have it in me. So please, let this go. It happened, we are good, and we can move on.”

I shake my head, unable to understand this. “I can’t move on from this. Not when I still want you.”

“Well, you’re gonna have to ’cause you can’t have me. My dad would flip, my career would suffer because… No, I can’t.”

No, she was gonna say something else, I just know it. So I ask, “Because why?”

She looks away and shakes her head. “Because I can’t. Just leave it be, Jayden, please.”

As I bring her back to look at me, she stares up at me defiantly. I can tell she wants to move her face out of my grip, but I won’t let her. “Do you really want that?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want, Jayden. Don’t you understand that?” she asks, her eyes holding mine. “I have one mission in life, and that’s to get into the league. If I allow you in, if I allow myself to be with you—if that’s even what you want—don’t you understand that it could ruin me when it ends?”

“Who says it will end?”

Her eyes go wide as she shakes her head. “So you do want that? What do you want, me as a girlfriend? Do I look like girlfriend material?” she asks incredulously. “I get it, you’re attracted to me, you like my drive, and you like having sex with me, but I’m not what you think I am. You don’t want me.”

I shake my head. “Whoa, you are giving me whiplash. First it’s that it’s gonna end, and now it’s that you’re not girlfriend material?”

“Yes!” she yells. “I’m twenty fucking kinds of crazy. I’m mental even, and I don’t understand why you even want to be around me.”

“Because I like you! And I think you need to shut up and let me decide what I want. I’m perfectly capable of making a decision for myself,” I snap back, completely frustrated with her.

“No, because if I do, and I let this go on, when you decide I’m not, I’ll be left to figure it out afterward.”

“Baylor, it doesn’t have to be like that,” I say softly, trying to breathe but having a hard time. “Give me a chance.”

“No, I gave a guy a chance before after he promised me that he was a good bet, and it blew up in my face.”

“Don’t make me pay for his mistakes. I’m not him, and you know that,” I say, but she’s already shaking her head. Letting out a breath, I look away. She isn’t going to make this easy for me, and I knew that from the beginning. But when I had her against that wall, I thought maybe I had gotten in. I thought maybe she realized that I was different. That she was different and we were good for each other.

Obviously, I was wrong.

“Fine, Baylor. Walk away.”

But she doesn’t move as the air crackles around us. My heart is hammering, and I’m two seconds away from begging this girl for a chance. I didn’t realize how deep I was until she told me I couldn’t have her. Looking back at her, I can see the struggle in her eyes. She wants to leave, but then she doesn’t.

“Can we never speak of this again?”

Or I’m reading this all wrong, and I’m a complete and utter idiot.

Letting out a breath of defeat, I nod. “No one will ever know.”

“Good,” she says softly. “It really was great. Like the best ever.”

Looking back at her, I scoff. “Then why are you letting it go?”

“Because I have to.”

She then turns and opens the door before disappearing out of it. No sorry, no thank you for rocking her world, nothing. Just silence. True Baylor fucking form. Falling onto the bottom step, I suck in a deep breath and shake my head. That girl is gonna kill me. Honestly, I’ve never worked so hard in my life for a girl. Getting her to realize that what we have is really good is gonna be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it will be the greatest victory of my life.

And I sure do love winning.

Especially against her.

J
ust keep walking. Don’t look back. Hold it together. Don’t you dare cry. You’re doing the right thing.

As I basically run from the rink to my dad’s house, I keep chanting those exact five sentences. This isn’t the first time I’ve done this. I’ve had to repeat those sentences a lot in my life, but for once, trying to say each one is very overwhelming.

Just keep walking. Don’t look back. Hold it together. Don’t you dare cry. You’re doing the right thing.

But it doesn’t help.

I look back, hoping he is chasing me. Tears are filling my eyes so quickly that if I blink they’ll splash everywhere. And this doing the right thing shit? Eh, I’m not one hundred percent sure on that one. While, yes, I don’t have time for what could happen between me and Jayden, it doesn’t mean I don’t want it. But it’s not controllable. I have no control over what could happen. When I let go, when I let my feelings do what they want, most the time I get in trouble. And I don’t…I
can’t
do that again.

But I can still feel him against me. I can still see his pleading green eyes, and my God, his scent is all over me.

I was supposed to walk away from that unscathed, happy even that we got rid of the sexual tension, but all I feel is fucking empty. Hollow. He was supposed to fill that void and he did, until I walked away. But I’m doing the right thing; I have to be.

I miss him. But would it even work between us? We are two totally different people on the same road that will more than likely keep us apart. Yeah, we both will, pray God, go into the league, but what if one of us was left behind? Could we handle it? I mean, he probably could because he’s just fucking amazing, but I’m a selfish, controlling, heart-set-on-winning bitch. A dumb-ass, driven brat who always gets what she wants, and now that I’m not, I’m being a baby.

I know my faults. I’ll be the first to let them be known, but what I don’t understand is how he still likes them, or even more, how he basically knows me.

He was completely right. I was mad at first that I fucked up and didn’t make it. I mean, I needed that spot and I’m scared that my dad is disgusted with me. But then it turned into how happy I was for him because he deserved it. He’s worked so hard, has the respect of everyone, and he is the best guy for the job. I know this. But then two seconds later, I am just freaking mad. Mad at me, mad at my dad, and most of all, mad at him. Maybe I did myself a favor. Yeah, the girlie part of me is broken over it, but the smart part of me knows he’ll be nothing but a distraction and I can’t afford that right now.

Because I know he’s the kind of guy you fall hard for.

I mean, how could you not? He’s driven, smart, funny, and charming as all hell. He’s protective and he gets along with everyone. The only bad thing about him is his daddy issue, but then doesn’t everyone have some kind of daddy or mommy issue? Lord knows I have my own and they are mile-high, and yet, he still wants me.

Oh my God, what the hell did I just do?

Pushing the door open to my dad’s house, I swallow the sob as I slam it shut. I know if I go back to Jayden and tell him I want to try, he’ll take me in his arms and kiss away my tears. That’s Jayden, he doesn’t hold a grudge—but I can’t do that to him. I have to know for sure. I have to be sure that it’s what I want.

“Bay?”

As I look across the living room, my dad comes out of his bedroom, pulling his shirt down. I can tell he just got out of the shower but then I see that his eyes are full of worry. Probably because he thinks I’m gonna snap at him again. “Where have you been?”

Being fucked by Jayden in the stairwell of the rink, and oh my God, it was perfect, but I walked away because I’m scared.

Any other time, I’d be honest. I mean, it’s my dad, my best friend, but I can’t say it. Dad ruined Seth when things went south and he learned that Seth was using me to get my dad’s favoritism. I mean, like ruined him. Got him picked last in the draft, and he was sent all the way down to the EHL. I mean, that’s the lowest of the lows, not that Seth didn’t deserve it, but still. My dad doesn’t play, and he trusts Jayden, likes him. If I tell him what happened, I’m not sure how he’ll take it.

He wasn’t too happy when I started dating Seth. It was the first guy I’d ever professed my love for, but he’s always wanted me to find a doctor or lawyer or someone like that. He doesn’t want me to be with a hockey player because he is sure that’s what drove my mom away from him. The constant being gone, and because, really, you’re not married only to the player, you’re married to the game too.

But I’m completely attracted to them.

No. I’m attracted to Jayden.

I want him.

Ugh.

“Just clearing my head,” I say sadly, running my hands down my face to keep from meeting his gaze. “I’m gonna go get my things to move.”

But when I go to leave the room, I don’t get far before he’s wrapping his arms hard around me. I want to stay tense; I don’t want the comfort, I don’t deserve it. I failed. I’m disappointed in myself, but there is something about my daddy’s embrace that has me slowly relaxing against him, pressing my nose into his chest. Then I let go. I cry so hard against him as he holds me close, kissing the top of my hair.

“Bay, it’s only the captainship. I know you wanted it, but baby, it’s no big deal. It doesn’t define you. You are the best, but you don’t lead, and that’s fine. I wasn’t a leader at your age; that didn’t come till later.”

I know this. How am I supposed to lead when I won’t even let anyone close enough to know who I am? I nod, sucking in a breath as I rub my nose on his shirt. “I know that, but I never want to disappoint you.”

He pauses then before slowly lifting my chin to look at him. “Is that what you think has happened?”

Tears escape from my eyes as I slowly nod. “I saw it in your eyes. You were completely disappointed in me, and I don’t blame you. I failed you. I knew the end goal, I knew what I was supposed to do, and I didn’t perform.”