Closed Doors (16 page)

I go to bed watching TV. I’m not supposed to watch TV in bed, but since everyone is busy in the garden loving flowers in the dark no one cares what I am doing. I pretend to be asleep when Da comes into my room to turn off my television and when he leaves I expect him to go downstairs. I hear him on the landing outside his own bedroom door. I wait for the door to open but it doesn’t and so I hear my da climb back down the stairs to the sofa, but then the door is suddenly opened by Ma.

‘Brian, where are you going?’ she says.

No one says anything for a moment and I am perfectly still. Da walks back up the stairs to Ma. I hear their bedroom door close shut, but then Frankie comes behind them and is scratching to be let in. I think he is going to spoil everything. Ma opens the door and whispers, ‘Just for tonight, Brian. He’s a poor wee thing.’

‘Let the daft dog in then,’ says Da but he’s not angry.

I hear Frankie take a run to their bed. I hear shoes kicked off and a mumbling of talk.

I switch the TV back on and keep the volume low and watch a movie about Dracula. There are stakes and all kinds of mad things. I watch it through my fingers like Ma does. It’s the best movie I have ever seen. I don’t remember falling asleep but when I wake up someone has turned off my television. I don’t know who.

OUR OFFICIAL WEDDING
invitation arrives from the McFaddens and it is decided we can’t go. We still feel the shame about what we did to Miss Connor. We will send a gift and make our excuses. We will go to Glasgow for the day but say we are visiting a sick relative instead. We will not say we are going to see
E.T.
and have a bite to eat. Da says we will visit the big bookshop for Ma and maybe we will go to the Barrowland where you can buy anything in the whole wide world. It’s the biggest flea market in the universe, Da says. Granny wants to buy wool but Da says we are not to shop too much because if we are caught going back on the boat with bags from Poundstretchers and from What Every Woman Wants then everyone will know we didn’t go to the wedding on purpose and went on a shopping spree on the mainland instead.

When Da tells Mr McFadden he can’t be an usher at the wedding Mr McFadden thinks it is because of what happened at Christmas time between Alice and me. Da makes up a great story about Granny’s brother being very sick with no family to care for him and because of the nice present from Ma and Da, a coffee maker that tells the time, the McFaddens are fooled and we can go about the business of lying to them again.

Their wedding is on a Saturday before the romantic day of Valentine’s and is in the chapel. She will be a beautiful white bride with a fur collar, the one Granny gave to her. Granny weeps at the thought of it and makes Louisa promise to show her photos, which makes Ma go raj. She doesn’t want Miss Connor’s image anywhere near the house. Ma is afraid of Miss Connor. I hate her for that because Miss Connor never did any harm to Ma, it was the other way around.

It will be a great wedding and I am sorry to be missing it. Mr McFadden will throw a shower of pennies to the children waiting outside the church and then everyone will go to the Glenland Hotel for a big party. Alice and Marianne will be gorgeous bridesmaids but then Alice will spill something on her lovely dress, because she is Alice and that is what she does. Luke will wander around and talk with grown-ups with his arms behind his back and they’ll nod at him as if he is also a grown-up or maybe even a teacher. He is very full of himself, that Luke, but everyone loves him and he can be anything he wants. Fat Ralph and Paul will eat all the cake and drink so much apple juice they’ll pee their pants. I really want to go to this wedding and pee my pants but I know I can’t.

Every day I pray the truth will come out and last night I wrote a letter.

Dear Miss Conner,

I am sorry for what the man in the Woody did to you. My ma was in the park and he did the same to her but she would not tell a soul because she was frightened to death of what the people in town would think of her and then he did it to you and she feels very bad and we all feel very bad and we are sorry you feel the baddest. We hope you have a nice wedding and a beautiful baby.

From Michael Murray

PS Please don’t hate us, because he is a pervert who has hurt us all and we should get him.

I thought of Ma reading that letter and I felt bad again. I ripped it up straight away. I even thought of eating it in case she found it and put the pieces together. And so I went to the Woody and set it alight. It was a tiny burning and no flames caught the grass because it was damp and so there was no big fire and I didn’t die. The letter is gone now but I still have the postage stamp and I will send Alice a Valentine’s card instead or it will be a terrible waste.

Ma is the final word around here and there is to be no wedding and no McFaddens spooking around our lives, making her feel awful about herself and all the things that have happened to her, but the McFaddens live behind us and it is hard not to wave at them and smile and ask Mr McFadden how his back is or even watch his beautiful future wife walking to the shops in her satin trousers or even send a Valentine’s card to Alice, but I will send one anyway because it is a secret card and I will not write anything inside so she can’t tell my writing and will never know who sent it to her anyway. No one will.

What I really want is for Ma to tell people what happened to her, to tell Miss Connor what happened to her and to stop running away from her like a big frightened baby because that is what she is. Even her tea is frightened; every time Ma picks a cup up she shakes like a jelly. I feel scared she can be like this and I have to get my own tea these days for fear she would see me watching her wiggling all over the place.

I have so many questions. I want to know why she keeps her clothes from the night of the attack in a plastic bag in the airing cupboard. I want to know why she visits the spot where Miss Connor was raped whenever she takes Frankie for a walk. I want to know why she hasn’t got Da to go looking for a rapist with a gold bracelet.

Ma is a very strange person to me. I want to love her like I used to, I really do, but she doesn’t love me like she used to and so she gets what she gets. I am a different boy now.

ON THE DAY
of the wedding we are on the six-thirty boat. We don’t want to see anything at all, not a limousine or a flower, not a bottle of champagne, or even Miss Connor in rollers looking out of her window or Mr McFadden fetching the milk so they can all have a relaxing cup of tea before going to the chapel. We are different from other people because we want their big day to be over and want to be back in our house while they are all at the hotel singing and dancing and having a good old time.

But the trip to Glasgow is the worst day of my life. Ma wouldn’t come to see
E.T.
and so it was just Da and me. It was a great movie and I didn’t cry at all. Da nearly cried, I think I saw a teardrop. He gets sad easy, my da. I was happy for E.T. He got to go home with his ma. Elliott would just have to find himself another friend.

Granny wanted some new patterns and some wool to knit me a sleeping bag or something mad like that and Da was sad Ma wouldn’t come see the movie with him. She said she wanted to check out the bookshop, which had a million books in it, and so I said I would go later and maybe get myself a book and Da thought that was a good idea. We had great fun watching the movie. I had popcorn and sausages and big cups full of Coca-Cola. I stuffed my face and had to go to the bathroom afterwards for a big shite. That was Granny’s fault for making me eat porridge before we left.

There is a bar behind the cinema and Da asks if he can have a quick one while I wait outside. This annoys me. He’s been so good lately but since Ma and Granny are not around I see no shame in it. He goes in and as usual brings me out a packet of crisps and a glass of lemonade. I am in no mood for crisps or lemonade after the shite I’ve just done but I take them anyway, no point in wasting them. It’s not a warm day and I get colder than I would like but Da is as good as his word and quickly leaves the pub after one pint and so we make our way to the Barrowland.

It’s a busy place all right. It’s like there are thousands of people there. They’re selling fish and cakes, flowers and newspapers. Sausages in rolls and chicken on skewers. I see someone selling Virgin Mary dolls and all kinds of religious toys. Granny is mad for it and buys two Virgin Marys and a Jesus Christ doll. There are clothes everywhere you look and music blares from all corners. Then there are doors opening up to dark rooms where people buy things they’re not supposed to.

‘Like what?’ I ask Da.

‘Pirate videos, son.’

‘What Knobby Doyle sells?’

Da nods. ‘A person has to make money somehow. Margaret Thatcher’s seen to that.’

I am glad Da is talking about Margaret Thatcher again. I am glad he is sleeping in his own bed again with Frankie and Ma, although I wish he hadn’t had a pint. Ma will smell it on him and be angry with the both of us.

Ma is not at the Barrowland. We are supposed to meet her at the fish stand at five, but then we move from the fish stand and because we move we think we might have missed her.

‘We should have stayed where we were,’ moans Granny.

It gets darker and so we decide to go back to the bookshop and that’s where we find Ma huddled in a corner with a man about six foot with a head full of dark grey hair. He looks older than Da, but not much older, and he is sitting very close to my ma. They have a book between them. When Ma sees Da she reddens. The man turns to see what Ma is looking at. He sees Da and gives him a big friendly smile, but Da does not smile, Da has another face on him altogether.

‘Brian, this is my professor, Terrence Bodwin,’ says Ma.

This man does not look like he’s ready for retirement any day soon and Granny looks nervous. Da says nothing, but looks like he’s going to say something and something not very nice.

‘Pleased to meet you, Professor Bodwin,’ says Granny.

The friendly professor gives Da his hand, but Da won’t take it. It’s very embarrassing. He just keeps staring at it and it feels like a bomb is going to go off. The professor withdraws his hand.

‘I’ve heard so much about you all,’ says the friendly professor. ‘Rosemary is a star student. She’ll go far.’

‘Will she now?’ says Da.

‘One hundred per cent,’ says the friendly professor. ‘With the right support.’

‘What kind of support?’ says Da.

‘Brian, give it a rest,’ says Ma.

‘I should go, Rosemary,’ says the friendly professor.

Ma nods but her face is so red. The friendly professor
‘
bids
’
us farewell and moves on. He gives Da a funny look as he walks by us and then a big handsome smile to my granny, who almost faints at his good looks.

Ma picks up her bag and her shopping. She folds the book she was poring over with her friendly professor into her bag, but really roughly, like she could shove it right through the bag. She’s fuming.

‘What was he doing here?’ asks Da.

‘I bumped into him. Jesus, you were rude.’

‘Ready for retirement you said,’ nips Da.

‘What does it matter how old he is?’ snaps Ma.

‘Why did you tell him, a man like that? Did you want to get his attention, Rosemary? Is that it? Did you want him to feel sorry for you? Maybe like you more?’

‘For what? Being RAPED?’ she screams.

The entire store looks up at us. I can hardly breathe. Ma said
raped
in a bookshop. Someone else says, ‘Shhhh,’ and Da says, ‘Fuck off.’

Ma runs away.

‘Go after her, Brian,’ says Granny.

‘No. I’m done,’ says Da and when we get on the train it’s without Ma.

‘This isn’t right, Da,’ I say.

‘She’s a big girl, your ma. She’ll find her own way home,’ says Da.

Granny takes my hand. I let her but I am scared of leaving Ma behind and I am scared my da is letting her be left.

I let go of Granny’s hand and jump from the train. The doors slide over and the train moves on. Da is beating on the glass doors, but it’s too late. I run off to find my ma. I will not leave her behind.

I RUN INTO
the terminal and scan the station for my ma. I think I see her at a shop that only sells socks. It’s not her. My ma is taller than this woman and is wearing a green woollen hat. I hear whistles and trains. It’s a noisy terminal but I’m not frightened and I am glad I let go of my granny’s hand. I am twelve now and there’s no need for a boy like me to be scared of anything. I will find Ma and we can go home together.

For a moment I think she might be at the bookshop and I should go straight there, but then I remember she said
raped
in the bookshop and will probably never go back there in her whole entire life. I decide to leave the terminal. It is the only way to find Ma, but then the McFaddens show up and I can’t go anywhere.

‘Michael, what in the name of God are you doing here?’ says Miss Connor, except she isn’t Miss Connor any more. She’s Mrs McFadden.

I remember the lie.

‘I was visiting a sick uncle and I ran away to get some sweets when Ma and Da weren’t looking and then the train went away without me.’

‘They didn’t wait for you?’ says Luke with a frown on his face.

‘We were on the train. I jumped off,’ I say, which is partly true but only a little bit.

‘Oh, they must be worried sick,’ says Mrs McFadden, who’s still Miss Connor in my head.

‘They’ll be worried all right,’ says Mr McFadden, rolling up a cigarette.

‘Why are you here?’ I ask. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be at your wedding reception?’

‘We left early to catch our plane to Greece,’ smiles Alice.

‘It’s what honeymooners do,’ says Luke and in a way that makes me really hate him because Miss Connor gives him a pat on the head for it.

‘We’re going on a bus,’ says Alice. ‘And then we’re going on a plane.’

‘That’s great, Alice,’ I say. She gives me a wide smile. I like her smile.