Cloudy with a Chance of Boys (11 page)

“Great. Okay. This is
great
! Because I don’t know if you knew this about me, but I have volcanophobia.”

“Fear of volcanoes?”

“More like fear of science projects. A volcano blew up on me in the third grade. Let’s just say I added too much baking soda. And
way
too much red food coloring. I’ve never been the same.”

“That sounds a lot like the Great Kool-Aid Disaster of ’07. I spilled, like, a whole can of green powder, and when I tried to wipe it up so my mom wouldn’t find out, well, let’s just say I turned the entire kitchen neon green and my mom wasn’t too happy with me.” My voice sounded almost normal now.

“So, is it safe to say green is
not
your favorite color?”

I giggled like a goofus. And just like that, I was talking to a
boy.

KISS BUSTER

Starring Alex

SETTING:
ALEX’S ROOM, A FEW DAYS LATER . . .

Me:
Emergency meeting of the Sisters Club! My room. Stat.

Joey:
What’s up?

Me:
What’s up? My life is a complete and total disaster, that’s what’s up.

Stevie:
Alex, everything with you is always a Drama-Queen disaster.

Me:
But this time it really is! First of all, I had to tell Mr. Cannon I quit the play. Second of all, they’re over there practicing — right next door — right now! Hello! I live here!

Joey:
What? Wait, you quit the play?

Stevie:
You can’t just quit the play.

Me:
I know. But I did.

Stevie:
What did Mr. Cannon say when you told him?

Me:
Let’s just say he went all Hamlet on me.

Joey:
Not happy?

Me:
Hardly. I mean, it’s bad enough that I don’t get to be Juliet. And Jayden Pffeffer does! So I quit and what happens? They start practicing here every single day! I thought it would just be over if I quit. How am I going to hide? There’s no escape!

Stevie:
So?

Joey:
So?

Me:
So?
Don’t you get it? Scott Towel, I mean Scott Howell, is right next door!

Joey:
But you like him, right?

Me:
Duh. Way to state the obvious. Yes, I like him.

Stevie:
(Nods in agreement.)
So, it should be a good thing that he’s practicing here, right? Because you’ll get to see him every day even though you’re not going to be in the play.

Me:
Wrong! The
plan
was for him to be Romeo. The
plan
was for
me
to be Juliet. The
plan
was for us to have our first kiss. The
plan
was for it to be totally romantic, just like in
Romeo and Juliet.
But now, the
plan
is totally and completely screwed up, thanks to one Miss Jayden Fluffernutter, a.k.a Queen Aggravating.

Joey:
(Cracks up.)
Oh.

Stevie:
Oh!

Me:
Is that all you guys have to say? "Oh"?

Joey:
(Chants.)
Alex and Scott Towel, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Me:
(Ignores Joey.)
C’mon, people. I need a plan. A brand-new plan. A brand-new, brilliant plan. You have to help me. I’m going crazy!

Stevie:
What kind of plan?

Joey:
A man plan.
(Cracks herself up.)

Stevie:
Alex, you know you want to be in the play. So just go over there and UN-quit.

Alex:
Okay, I admit, maybe I do kind of wish I hadn’t freaked out and quit. But I can’t just un-quit now. So, here’s the thing. I need to know everything that goes on over there, but since I’m not in the play, I can’t just hang around for no reason.

Joey:
Pretend you have to ask Dad something.

Stevie:
Or pretend you left something over there.

Me:
Too lame. They’ll be onto me in, like, two seconds flat.

Stevie:
But . . . they won’t be onto Joey!

Joey:
Huh?

Stevie:
You said you were going to help Dad with the
Romeo and Juliet
props and sets.

Joey:
Yeah, Dad says we can build a balcony with a rope ladder and everything. But I’ll be painting and stuff. In the back. I can’t just hang around all day waiting to see if Scott Towel kisses some girl. It’s gross. And boring.

Me:
C’mon, Joey. This is super important. Scott could be over there kissing Fluffernutter right this very minute.

Joey:
Gross!
You know kissing is just spit, right?
(Makes saliva bubbles with her mouth.)
One person’s spit goes into another person’s mouth and it’s super disgusting. Like, a ten on the Grossometer. I mean, you wouldn’t go around using Scott Towel’s
toothbrush,
would you?

Me:
No, but this is different. You don’t get it, Duck. But someday you will.

Stevie:
You know, Joey. It might be kind of . . . interesting. Like a super-secret stakeout.

Joey:
Well, all I’m saying is find someone else. I’m not going to be your Kiss Buster. I wish nobody would kiss anybody around here.

Stevie:
Wait a second. I might have an idea. Hold on, I’ll be right back.
(Runs upstairs to attic, clomps back down. Hides something behind her back.)

Me:
What? What is it?

Stevie:
Ta-da! It’s Joey’s old baby monitor. You know, you turn it on and you can hear if the baby is crying from downstairs. I saw it up in the attic one day when I was cloudspotting.

Me:
Brilliant! Does it have video?

Stevie:
Not that brilliant. Just audio.

Me:
Never mind. All we need are batteries and someone to sneak over there and plant it in the exact right place.

Joey:
Don’t look at me!

Me:
C’mon, Duck, you love this stuff. It’ll be cool. You’ll be like an undercover spy.

Stevie:
It’ll be very
croak
-and-dagger. Get it, Joey?
(Slaps her knee and cracks up.)

Me:
Yeah, like that guy Christopher Marlowe in Shakespeare’s time. I think he got murdered, though. But there were tons of spies back then.

Stevie:
We can even give you a cool title, like Her Royal Spyness.

Me:
That’s way better than just being a royal pain.

Joey:
I don’t know . . . maybe. But who wants to hear people kissing? Yuck. What kind of a spy is that?

Me:
A kissing spy.

Joey:
There’s no such thing. Anyway, that’s cuckoo. Tell her, Stevie.

Stevie:
I don’t know, Joey. It might be kind of interesting to, I don’t know, hear what it’s like when they ki — I mean, hear what they say. Think of it like a mystery. And you’re spying to try to solve a mystery.

Joey:
Mystery? What mystery? The mystery of boys. Bluck.

Me:
Look. All
you
have to do is take the baby monitor over there and hide it. You don’t even have to listen if you don’t want to.

Joey:
But what if they see me? What do I say I’m doing? Or what if Dad finds it and gets mad about spying or something?

Me:
He won’t. Not if you hide it. Besides, there’s so many props and stuff over there, how’s he going to know? C’mon, Duck. Please? I’ll do anything. Just name it.

Joey:
Oh, okay.

Me:
You mean it? You’ll do it?

Joey:
Yes. But only if you promise to really call me Her Royal Spyness for one whole entire day.
And
give me twenty-five dollars.

Me:
Deal! Except for the twenty-five dollars part.