Coffin Island (16 page)

“Did you ever wonder what they were
doing in the doldrums?” I asked.

“Of course not,” Professor Coffin said.
“They’re running the whole show.”

“Did you ever see them take any rum
bottles?” Madison asked.

“I might have seen them take quite a
few,” Professor Coffin admitted.

“It didn’t strike you as suspicious
that the witches that are running the whole show were in the
doldrums and stealing your empty rum bottles?” I asked.

“What are you driving at?” Professor
Coffin asked.

“Was this before or after you heard the
rumor that Crypt Island was moving around?” Madison
asked.

“It was after I heard the rumor,”
Professor Coffin said. “Now you’re on the right track,
man.”

“
How are you certain?” I
asked.

“
My memories of the rogue
faculty activities in the doldrums are so hazy,” Professor Coffin
said. “I can barely recount them.”

“
You’re saying that the
witches running the whole show are former faculty from the Coffin
Island School for witches?” I demanded.

“
What else would they be?”
Professor Coffin asked. “I banished them.”

“
You banished faculty from
The Coffin Island School for Witches?” I demanded.

“
They got too big for their
britches,” Professor Coffin huffed. “It was time for them to strike
out on their own. They were making too many demands for tenure. And
they were too powerful for me to hold down.”

“
You would think that you
would take particular note of the faculty witches activities in the
doldrums after you had banished them,” I said.

“
Particularly if they were
too powerful for you to hold down,” Madison noted.

“When you banish something,” Professor
Coffin said. “You put it out of your mind completely.”

“
I didn’t know that
banishment was like amnesia,” I said.

“
What good is banishment if
you’re constantly thinking about it?” Professor Coffin
asked.

“
The extremely powerful
witches that you banished, stole your empty rum bottles and made a
trap for us,” Madison said. “How are you responsible for
that?”

“
Exactly,” Professor Coffin
said. “I banished the blasted faculty.”

Professor Coffin wiped his hands on his
ancient drawers for emphasis.

“
The faculty witches that
you banished were the most powerful witches on Coffin Island?” I
asked.

“
How else could they pull
this off?” Professor Coffin demanded.

“
They’ve banished us in
return,” Madison snorted.

“
I’m glad that we have
cleared up that misunderstanding, pupils,” Professor Coffin said.
“Shall we go get a drink in Old Havana in glass? Celebrate our
banishment.”

“
You’ve been building this
world with your drunken waste,” I said. “Do you recognize that
now?”

“
What good is drunken waste
if it isn’t building something?” Professor Coffin demanded. “I was
the Headmaster of that magical mess. You can’t expect a man not to
drink.”

“
You’re willing to admit
that you built Old Havana in glass?” I asked.

“
I’d like to take all the
credit,” Professor Coffin said. “But it wouldn’t be
right.”

“
There has to be honor among
pirates,” Madison said.

“
Of course,” Professor
Coffin grinned. “However we drop the pretense when we are stabbing
each other in the back which is what you will be doing to my tender
torso shortly, I suspect.”

“
You only did a small
portion of the total drinking?” I practically shouted.

“
I fashioned a few blocks of
Old Havana in glass,” Professor Coffin agreed. “Take up the rest of
that splendid city with the other members of the faculty. The
witches that I didn’t banish drank aplenty.”

“
The stitches are probably
responsible for the opera house,” Madison snorted.

“
Those savages like opera,”
Professor Coffin agreed. “They enjoy screeching along with
it.”

“
You only drank a few blocks
of Old Havana in glass into existence,” I snapped. “That’s your
excuse?”

“
I wonder which are mine,”
Professor Coffin marveled.

“
Perhaps there are some
plaques commemorating your consumption,” Madison said.

“
I certainly hope so,”
Professor Coffin said. “It took determination to drink that much
rum. I can’t say that I would embark on that again. It was
atrocious to be intoxicated for centuries. I was blacked out for
decades on end. And the morning after is turning out to be a horror
of accusations.”

“
You also drank Coffin
Island to ruin,” I said.

“
You can’t hold a man
responsible for what he did when he was drunk,” Professor Coffin
shrugged. “It’s impolite.”

“
You drunken bum,” Madison
said.

“We drank Crypt Island into existence,”
Professor Coffin countered. “Look at our fine work.”

“
We can’t say that being a
drunken bum doesn’t accomplish anything,” Madison said.

“
It made us human again,” I
said. “Put us in a hostile world.”

“
Allowed the rogue faculty
to take over,” Madison said.

“
They’ve taken our powers
from us too,” I said.

Chapter

“
Smoking cigars certainly
had something to do with it too,” Professor Coffin grinned. “I
wouldn’t dismiss that as a factor. You pupils have to take some
well-earned credit too. I detect a hint of old man stogie
everywhere.”

“
Old Havana in glass hints
at it,” Madison said. “Even I have to admit that.”

“
Old Havana in glass is also
a giant ashtray?” I gasped.

“
The pupils smoked this
world into existence too,” Professor Coffin grinned.

“
We smoked this world into
existence?” Madison gasped.

“
Don’t blame me,” Professor
Coffin said. “I strongly urged the pupils to keep their consumption
to one box per day.”

“
You urged them to smoke
twenty-five cigars a day?” I practically shouted.

“
I tried to be reasonable,”
Professor Coffin agreed.

“
We couldn’t calculate the
days because of the hourglass,” Madison sighed. “I was smoking ten
boxes per day.”

“
Some days the hourglass ran
amok,” Professor Coffin agreed. “I had to up my rum consumption to
an excruciating level. Fifty galloons was my record.”

“
You smoked two hundred and
fifty cigars per Coffin Island day?” I shouted. “You drank fifty
galloons of rum a day?”

“
Some pupils smoked faster
than me,” Madison said.

“
Some faculty drank faster
than me,” Professor Coffin said.

“
Blame the hourglass,”
Madison said.

“
Not us,” Professor Coffin
agreed.

“
You couldn’t do anything
about the situation?” I demanded.

“
I strongly urged the pupils
to enjoy their cigars,” Professor Coffin said. “I couldn’t do
anything with the faculty other than banish the powerful ones as I
have already outlined.”

“
This is witchcraft,”
Madison snorted.

“
I can’t believe that
witchcraft turned us back into humans because of bad habits,” I
said.

“
What good are bad habits if
they aren’t destroying something?” Professor Coffin asked. “Why
keep them if they’re improving things?”

“
Then they would be good
habits,” Madison snorted.

“
Pirates don’t cultivate
those,” Professor Coffin said.

“
I want to kill the entire
faculty again for letting this happen,” I said. “And then pull them
out of their coffins and kill them again.”

“
That was my style,” Madison
said. “Kill them until they’re quivering in their
coffins.”

“
I want to incinerate them
all,” I said.

“
I think the flaming whale
already took care of that,” Madison said.

“
I knew that I liked that
flaming whale for a reason,” I said.

Flame on, my brother. Flame on. Then
just keep on flaming on.

“
You can’t say that my
administration didn’t accomplish anything,” Professor Coffin said.
“Now you’re bloodthirsty savages.”

“
You wanted to turn us into
bloodthirsty savages?” I asked. “Demanding for your
death?”

“
The fine results speak for
themselves,” Professor Coffin said. “Welcome back to the planet
Earth, pupils.”

“
Albeit one of witch
construction,” Madison said.

“I’m sure this world is going to be
instructive,” I said. “Seeing as the faculty witches that left
Coffin Island constructed it out of our refuse to punish
us.”

“
They won’t even acknowledge
us,” Madison shouted.

“
I wonder where the
hourglass is in this world,” Professor Coffin mused.

“
You’re probably standing on
it, dummy,” Madison said.

“
Doctor Fast is the
hourglass,” Professor Coffin gasped.

Professor Coffin stood on the shipwreck
a little more gently like he didn’t want to disturb the delicate
mechanism within. He couldn’t possibly be running the test.
Professor Coffin was just too stupid. He had to be a proxy. Or
perhaps that was the genius. Put an idiot doorman in-charge. Nobody
could ever get past him because the door was buried under all his
unfathomable confusion.

“
It’s why we can’t get off
the shipwreck,” Madison snapped.

“
Time has halted for us,” I
agreed.

“
Doctor Fast is a lovely
hourglass,” Professor Coffin marveled. “I can’t wait until the
cuckoo pecks my finger. I wonder which porthole I should put my
finger into.”

“
You’re the cuckoo in this
world,” Madison snorted.

“
Shall I bite my own
finger?” Professor Coffin asked.

“
How did we let this
travesty happen?” I asked.

“
Our previous travesty
wasn’t difficult enough?” Madison asked.

“
We had to create an even
worse travesty?” I asked.

“
And make it static which is
particularly infuriating,” Madison said.

“
You complained too much
about being a witch on Coffin Island,” Professor Coffin shrugged.
“Now you are going to complain about being a hitch on Crypt Island?
How can witchcraft satisfy you? Riddle me that.”

“
Can we get back to Coffin
Island?” Madison asked.

“It probably won’t be the same,” I
said.

“
Of course not,” Professor
Coffin said. “That version has run its course for now.”

“
How many versions are
there?” I asked.

“
I suppose it’s endless,”
Professor Coffin shrugged.

“
You’ve never tested the
limits?” I asked.

“
I was minding my own
business in the doldrums until you showed up,” Professor Coffin
said. “You don’t fool with witchcraft.”

“
What should we do?” I
asked.

“
Fool with witchcraft,”
Madison said. “What else can we do?”

“
There you two go again,”
Professor Coffin shrugged. “A cutlass will be going through me
momentarily.”

“
We know enough not to kill
you in this world,” I said.

“
You’re going to live
through this,” Madison sneered.

“
The next one would be a
better place to kill me,” Professor Coffin agreed.

“
How do we get to the next
test?” I asked.

Professor Coffin shrugged.

“
Witchcraft is evolving away
from us as we speak,” Madison said. “We have to get it back before
it gets away.”

“
I wouldn’t do that,”
Professor Coffin cautioned. “Let it go.”

“
We’re not letting it go,” I
said.

“
On the contrary,” Madison
said. “We’re going after it.”

“
I wouldn’t do that,”
Professor Coffin said. “Let the past come after you. Let it haunt
you. You never chase the future.”

“
We can’t go back,” I
said.

“
Coffin Island is probably a
grave by now,” Madison said.

“
A watery one,” Professor
Coffin said. “I would venture.”

“
It’s been filled in with
ocean?” I asked.

“
You can’t expect a magical
hole in the ocean to be filled in with cement?” Professor Coffin
said. “A cheery little gravestone erected on a wave.”

“
I’m going to miss that
ruin,” Madison said.

“
I was just getting to know
it,” I said.

“
Witchcraft will provide
another ruin,” Professor Coffin grinned. “There is a rumor about a
tower at the final school.”