Coffin Island (17 page)

“
I’m going to climb it with
a rifle,” Madison said.

“
It could happen,” Professor
Coffin said. “Witchcraft is a slippery one.”

“
An electric eel in heels,”
Madison said.

“
Our power is flowing into
this world?” I asked. “I just want to get that
straight.”

“
Where else would it go?”
Professor Coffin asked. “You’re the most powerful witch in
creation, Booster. I don’t see a witch running a cutlass through
you.”

“
And you’re in this world,”
Madison said.

“
That’s the most important
piece,” Professor Coffin agreed.

“
You arrive at the end of
the world,” Madison said. “Just like Coffin Island.”

“
The power is following me,”
I gasped.

“
Or you’re following the
power,” Madison said.

“
Something is following
something,” Professor Coffin observed.

“
Perhaps the power is
pulling you in like a fish on a hook,” Madison said.

“
I’m just glad that it’s not
me that has to die this time,” Professor Coffin said.

“
We’ll get you in the last
world, pal,” Madison said.

“
You have to get there
first,” Professor Coffin shrugged.

“
Booster will get us there,”
Madison said.

“But I’m not a witch anymore,” I
said.

“
You’re a hitch,” Professor
Coffin said.

“
It doesn’t matter what you
are,” Madison said. “It’s what you have to do.”

“
Follow the Headmaster
except when it’s me,” Professor Coffin agreed.

“
You’ve lead me here on
false pretenses, Professor Coffin,” I said.

“
We can’t let facts lead us
astray,” Professor Coffin countered.

“
You must have a plan for us
to reconnect with our power?” Madison asked.

“
I should ask you the same
question,” Professor Coffin said. “I was following you. What are
your pretenses telling you?”

“
I’m leaning towards
strangling you,” I said.

“
That’s an improvement over
the other deaths you have offered me,” Professor Coffin
grinned.

“
I wonder if there are any
horses on this island to quarter you,” Madison said.

“
Perhaps in Part III,”
Professor Coffin said. “If you can survive long enough that’s where
the ponies of the apocalypse are kept. I’ve heard
rumors.”

“
Don’t fall for his ruse,”
Madison said. “Although I bet he is telling the truth.”

“
Of course,” Professor
Coffin said. “It’s just a bit mangled.”

“
Where on Crypt Island is
our power?” I asked. “Tell us that and we’ll spare you a grisly
death in the next world.”

“
That’s our final offer,”
Madison said.

“
How should I know?”
Professor asked. “It must be here somewhere. Why else would
witchcraft bring us here?”

“
We’ll just take a peak
around?” I practically shouted.

“
Give witchcraft a jingle,”
Professor Coffin suggested.

“
How do we reconnect with
our power?” Madison demanded. “Dump it back into
ourselves.”

“
We drink it up like a
mirage,” Professor Coffin said.

Chapter

“
This spyglass is
magnificent,” Professor Coffin beamed.

“
Do you have to admire the
craftsmanship of witchcraft?” Madison asked.

“
Bonk him over the head with
it,” I suggested. “Let him feel the full brunt of it.”

“
My skull is soft now that I
am a hitch,” Professor Coffin said. “Be gentle if you bonk me with
that spyglass.”

We had gingerly stepped ashore on Crypt
Island. Nothing had devoured us as of yet. Although there did seem
to be some sort of invisible tether holding us to Doctor Fast.
Witchcraft was keeping us on an invisible leash. The symbolism was
looking grim but you couldn’t let that fool you. The being utterly
ignored was the more ominous piece. Why weren’t we being more
forcefully tormented? Perhaps our torment was to be ignored. I
tried to put my mind at ease. My torment was to be ignored. What
was the big deal? I had been largely ignored my entire life. Why
get exercised at this latest slight?

We were looking through glass
telescopes that had popped up out of the shoreline boulevard like
mushrooms. They had our names carved upon them like gravestones. It
was chilling as well as helpful. I like when chilling is also
helpful. It adds a little more chill. The chill is pushing you
along nicely towards your unpleasant fate. It chilled my eyeball
looking through that chilly telescope of the future. It isn’t all
rainbows and unicorns out there. Death and dying are your
future.

The telescopes were directing us where
to look as well as selecting the focus. The occult was operating
them. At least it was good for something. It took the tedious
telescope operators fatigue out of the equation. Why hobble
yourself with that when your mind is overburdened with anxiety in a
glass world that is seemingly totally indifferent to you? It
settles the mind to hold onto something that is cold and mechanical
but also alive. Why not shudder a bit too? The cold hand of death
is on your spine. Why not run it up and down a bit like a glass
spider. I have Weird and Gilley here. Shall I play guitar left
handed? Were we meant to start a rock and roll band in the land of
witchcraft?

“
These three telescopes with
our names etched on them are quite the coincidence,” I
said.

“
Popping up out of the
shoreline boulevard of Old Havana in glass like magic mushrooms,”
Madison laughed.

“
Showing us where to go from
here,” I said.

“
Random chance,” Professor
Coffin sniffed. “Mine is a bit too short for me.”

“
That’s because you took
mine,” Madison said.

“
Take the telescope off the
stand,” I suggested.

“
Are you calling me a
telescope thief?” Professor Coffin demanded.

“
They have our names written
on them,” Madison said.

“
Why does mine say Madison?”
Professor Coffin demanded.

“
We have a telescope in this
world with our names written on them, Professor Coffin,” I
said.

“
You don’t say,” Professor
Coffin said.

“
They’re our coffins,”
Madison said.

“
And our books,” I
said.

“
Our ships too,” Madison
said.

“
Everything in this world
connects back to Coffin Island,” I said.

“
Give me my telescope, you
thief,” Professor Coffin said. “I demand to see where I am
going.”

“
We’re going to the same
place,” I said.

“
You dingbat,” Madison
snapped.

“
I’m not trading now,”
Professor Coffin said. “I’m aged and infirm in this world. You
pupils need to respect that.”

“
The age defense in the land
of witchcraft,” Madison laughed.

“
It doesn’t apply here?”
Professor Coffin gasped.

“
We’re going to feed you to
the first dinosaur that strolls along,” I said.

“
I wouldn’t eat me if I were
a starving Pterodactyl,” Professor Coffin countered. “Not enough
thigh meat.”

There was a glass Alcatraz in the
middle of the island. It was sitting in a bay of bubbling rum. Why
not? Shouldn’t an island prison have a capital city that was an
island prison in a lake of fire? Why not jazz it up a bit. Old
Havana in glass was getting old hat. So what’s that out over the
horizon?

It was heartening that the hub of this
society was a glass Alcatraz in the middle of an inferno of rum.
The telescopes were showing it to us in soft focus. Everything was
slightly blurred like in an old fashioned film. What a wonderful
picture show, shudder.

Glass Alcatraz looked quite romantic
surrounded by its lake of fiery rum. You had to admire the
creativity of witchcraft even when it was showing you where you
were going to be imprisoned. That lake of fire looked like a lovely
place to incinerate in soft focus. I was seriously considering
diving right into it. Go where the bad boys go when they die. Take
a little dip in the lake of fire. But I didn’t want witchcraft to
win.

I wanted to ride this Rollercoaster of
The Absurd to the end of the line. Crawl out broken and battered.
Attack the carnival worker. Destroy my tormentor. Or wound it a
little bit before it finished me off. How to get it to reveal
itself, this No Thing, as Professor Coffin called it? I’m not
granting it personhood, even if it has a gender, because in my mind
it has got to go. It’s me or the wallpaper. And the wall is coming
down. Forget about the wallpaper. I’m burning the whole house down.
The flaming whale hints at that course of action.

“
You would expect that the
blasted faculty would get off their tails and collect their slaves
swiftly,” Professor Coffin huffed. “I demand to be incarcerated in
that glass Alcatraz immediately.”

“
Sitting here doing nothing
is extremely punishing,” Madison said.

“
I’d much rather be in
prison,” I agreed.

“
Hanging around in the
shower,” Professor Coffin said.

“
It seems like I’ve spent my
entire life in prison,” Madison said.

“
You have,” I
said.

“
Prison withdrawal
syndrome,” Professor Coffin explained. “Witches are addicted to
incarceration.”

“
I feel like I’m stuck in an
absurdist drama,” I said.

“
Written by a lunatic with
twigs in his hair,” Madison said.

“
The Rollercoaster of The
Absurd certainly suggests it,” I said.

“
That’s witchcraft for you,”
Professor Coffin nodded.

“
Where is the glass tree for
some shade?” I asked.

“
We are light on props,”
Madison groaned. “And we can’t even skinny dip because of the
sharks.”

“
The emerald ocean is closed
for repairs,” Professor Coffin confirmed.

The apocalyptic sharks were swimming in
the shallows. They were trying to beach themselves. They were
gnashing their horned fangs at us periodically. It was hard to read
the intentions of the primordial beasts. I think that those
barnacle covered apocalypses wanted to hold hands with us. I don’t
suppose that I can get my hand back that you just bite off that I
so graciously extended to you like a fool. Where were the harpoons
in this drama?

“
I’d like to speak with the
Headmaster of this world,” I said.

“
Don’t be absurd, man,”
Professor Coffin said. “You can’t reason with the Headmaster
especially when he’s a rogue faculty pirate demanding
tenure.”

“
You’ve got to try to
deceive him,” Madison snorted.

“
I have to deceive a rogue
pirate,” I groaned.

“
How else do you expect to
buffalo him?” Professor Coffin asked.

Chapter

We were stretched out on the shoreline
drive in various states of undress. Our clothes were no longer
magically attached to us. Madison and I weren’t magically attached
to each other anymore either. We had been greedily looking at each
other. We were both having dark thoughts. Somebody was certainly
going to pounce shortly. The mind gets pretty base under base
conditions. It’s perfectly natural to consider nudity at base
moments like this.

Nudity on The Rollercoaster of The
Absurd was feeling like a real possibility. Jump on that bad boy
stark naked for one last ride. Go out righteously. The only problem
was Professor Coffin. I shuddered to think of what a four hundred
year old pirate looked like in the buff. It was punishment enough
looking at him in his ancient drawers. I had to do something about
Professor Coffin.

There was also the flaming whale to
contend with. What was his purpose? Was he just going to sit out
there and do nothing? I didn’t care that he devoured the entire
planet Jupiter and saved our lives. I had to do something about the
flaming whale.

I had to deal with The Red Lady too. I
had heard her rattling around down in the hull of Doctor Fast. I
hadn’t forgotten about her. I was just playing her out. I didn’t
care if she ever came out. There were just more pressing such as
that whole dynamic of Madison. She was the most pressing matter.
Why not deal with that?

“
I’m so hot,” Madison said.
“I’m about to go commando. You’d be a fool not to join
me.”

“
I’m right behind you,
chief,” I said. “You don’t have to convince me.”

“
We might as well get down
to the absolute elemental,” Madison said.

“
If we aren’t going to move
from this spot,” I said. “What else can we possibly do?”

“
We’re slaves on the block,”
Professor Coffin huffed. “But nobody wants to buy us.”