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I glanced back and saw everyone in their own world. No one was watching or staring at me. I don’t know who talked to them but I will needed to thank them as they all graciously tried in vain to look busy.

I turned our homemade sign over to show the ‘In Use’ side as the door had no lock. I closed the door to the little green bathroom and removed my clothes. My arms ached and I could still smell Phillip on my shirt as I pulled it over my head. I immediately threw it across the room far away from me. It fell in a heap in the corner by the trash can. Fitting.

I felt a little panicky in the shower. I didn’t know why. Maybe because it was so far away from everything else and I was alone and confined.

I tried to focus on relaxing, imaging the stress and everything else falling from me and going down the drain. I let the hot water rinse away the previous night and everything that happened with it.

I scrubbed with my washcloth and soap on my sore arms and jaw. I didn’t want to be one of those women who wasn’t able to get over an attack, always fearful. I felt for them and understood now more than ever their panic.

My heart started to pick up again so, I sang. Billie Holiday’s ‘The Very Thought Of You’, the first song Merrick and I danced to, was the only song that came to mind.

The very thought of you

and I forget to do,

those little ordinary things,

that everyone ought to do.

I’m living in a kind of daydream,

I’m happy as a queen.

And foolish though it may seem,

To me it’s everything.

Then I heard his voice in my head, saying my name, his voice stretched with strain and guilt.

My Merrick.

I peeked out and he was there, walking in and shutting the door behind him. I couldn’t think to care about anything else but getting to him.

I jumped out of the shower and ran the short distance, naked, wet and probably still a little soapy. I jumped up into his arms and wrapped my legs around him.

He didn’t try to stop me. He wasn’t bashful with me anymore, didn’t care about anything but me. He turned us around a couple times in a whirlwind of emotion and then fell back against the door, sliding down to the floor with me still in his lap.

He held me to him in a tight embrace, keeping me there, his uneven breaths harsh against my ear. We were a heap of heaving thankful sighs and breaths.

After a minute of just sitting in each others arms, letting him calm me like nothing else ever did, I finally speak to ease the silence. The only other sound was the still running shower making steam pour over us from the floor.

I had to speak. He couldn’t feel guilty or responsible for this. I couldn’t allow him to feel that.

“Merrick,” I whispered but he continued to hold my head down to his chest so I couldn’t see his face. “Merrick, look at me.” He slowly obeyed. “I’m ok. Look at me. I’m fine, I just-”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Merrick, it wasn’t your fault.”

“If I had been there-”

“Don’t do that. Listen to me.” I grabbed his face and pulled it up to see his eyes. They were tired, angry, clouded and tortured. “Merrick. Babe, I need you. I need you to be
you
. I need things to just be normal. Please?” His eyes glanced down to the dark rings on my arms and then quickly looked away. “I’m fine. I promise.”

“You’re not fine, Sherry. Look at what he did to you.” He gently rubbed the bruises on my arms with his fingertips. “I wasn’t there. For the second time in your life you really needed me, I wasn’t watching and wasn’t there.”

I didn’t contradict him, knowing he was talking about the Marker attack but he hadn’t seen the first time when Matt tried to force himself on me either. I knew he was just beating himself up and there was no use in trying to take that road of reason. So I took another one instead.

“It’s nothing. He didn’t hurt anything that won’t heal.”

“It’s not nothing,” he snapped.

I could see I was going to get nowhere so I changed the subject.

“I need to talk to Jeff today and tell him thank you. He was very sweet to me...but you know that. You shouldn’t have looked.”

“I needed to know and yes, I’m very grateful to Jeff too. I owe him everything.”

“What time did you get in last night?”

“After 3:00.” He shook his head. “We didn’t find anything.”

I tried to hide my disappointment at the news.

“Why didn’t you come to me?”

“I did, but I thought you might need Danny more than me. I didn’t want to wake or disturb you.”

“I’ll never need anyone more than you, ever again. I’m ok and I don’t want you to worry about me. You can’t blame yourself for someone else’s actions anymore than I can blame myself.” I bit my bottom lip in frustration. The words that seemed to fit just wouldn’t come to me. “I love you...so much.”

He put his head on my chest and cried, wrapping his arms around me tightly and protectively and I let him. Of course, I was crying too.

I was shocked by the emotion he felt. I could almost physically feel his hurt for me, his needless shame and guilt was pulsing off of him. My Merrick, who loved me so much and would do anything for me and his constant need to keep me protected and safe was breaking, for me.

My heart stopped and broke right along with his as I felt him shake and squeeze me to him.

I would no longer refer to him as an angel nor an alien nor anything else. Whatever he was, he was just Merrick. He was more human than most people and that was all I needed to know. No one had ever loved me like him and no one else ever would.

“If anything had happened to you I would never have forgiven myself.” He ran shaky hands down my arms and my hair, his fingers grazing my cheek and neck.

“Merrick, you can’t watch over me every minute.”

“I don’t see how I can not,” he joked but didn’t laugh. “I can’t live without you, Sherry. I won’t live without you.”

“You won’t have to. I’m not going anywhere. I just want to forget this ever happened. You are the only thing I want to think about right now. You and finding more of us out there.”

“Yeah.” He nodded for a while as if convincing himself. “I’m sorry. I’m done feeling sorry for myself. You need me and I’m... Are you sure you’re ok? I thought you wouldn’t want me to...comfort you or touch you.”

“I don’t want you to
stop
touching me.” I grabbed his hand and put it on my cheek. “Merrick, you’re my life. There is nothing but you and me down here in this hole with the rest of the nonconformists.” I smiled a little bit of a smile.

“Sherry.” He grunted and closed his eyes like it was too much. His fingers roamed my lips and face, like he was memorizing me, then he opened his eyes. “I love you.” He said firmly. “I promise you something like this will never happen again. I’m not ever letting you out of my sight. I promise to take care of you from now on, for the rest of our lives, always together. I’m so glad you’re alright.”

“I am. I love you too. You’re completely and utterly stuck with me,” I joked and smiled a crooked smile, hoping he’d go with it and let the rest fall to the way side.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He smiled slightly so my heart could beat again.

He pulled me closer to him to kiss my lips, his fitting over mine perfectly. The only lips I would ever kiss again. I couldn’t imagine any more love could fit in my chest.

I wrapped my arms around his head, feeling the electric tingle on my bare back and waist where his hands were squeezing. His hot breath and tongue with warm lips were strong with possessiveness. He smelled of soap and sweet sweat but it wasn’t sensual, not right then.

I mean,
it was
but it felt like home.
He
felt like home.

I completely forget that I was stark naked but of course my Merrick pulled me back into reality. He also pulled the towel I brought in with me from the closed toilet seat lid and wrapped it around me, gently lifting us off the floor.

I couldn’t seem to let go of him. I didn’t want him to leave and he either recognized that or felt the same. So I said screw the shower, I was pretty clean and I got dressed quickly while my gentleman turned his back to me and waited.

I was very thankful to this group of people. Maybe they knew me better than I thought they did because no one acted weird around me or asked me awkward questions or stared at me with their sympathetic eyes.

Let me rephrase. Everyone tried with great effort not to do those things and that was more than I could have asked for.

My little bunker family that was growing quickly and that I was so grateful for. Funny, it was the most normal family I’d ever had.

I had been right. Mrs. Trudy was in the kitchen earlier and still was. The coffee was calling my name, and Merrick’s too, though he didn’t listen to it like I did.

Poor Merrick looked absolutely bushed. I had it on good authority he didn’t sleep very good at all. Even I slept through most of the night.

I tried to persuade him to lie down but he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t leave my side and I had no idea where he slept last night or for how long but I was determined that no matter what happened, we would sneak a nap.

Mrs. Trudy hugged me quickly and awkwardly before slipping out. It was still too hard for her to accept and look at me but I didn’t take it personally. I couldn’t imagine how hard this all was for her.

Through Merrick’s wall of protection I saw Danny slowly coming to greet me in the kitchen but Celeste wasn’t with him this time.

Being so tightly bound in a small space with so many other people was more than awkward, especially in times like this when I wanted to just burst into tears seeing him, his pained expression, him looking everywhere but my eyes.

Without stopping he lifted me a hug and held me there, being completely still and silent. Merrick was trying to fit a smile on behind Danny as he finally put me down slowly.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” I said but I looked at Merrick. “It wasn’t your fault, either of you. I’m fine.”

“It could have been worse. It would have been if-”

“Danny, please, don’t do this. I am ok. Between you and Merrick, you’re not gonna leave alone for one second for the rest of my life, are you?”

“No,” they both answered together firmly.

Danny released me and turned to Merrick.

“Thank you for going after him.”

“No.” He shook his head. “I was wrong. I should’ve stayed with Sherry.”

“No, he shouldn’t get away with this. I’m glad you went to look for him. Thank you.”

He turned to go when he saw Celeste waiting for him in the doorway, squeezing my hand first.

By this time, it was almost lunch and I hadn’t seen Jeff all morning. Trudy’s coffee helped some but I still felt achy and tired, maybe from just looking at Merrick looking so tired.

When I finally saw Jeff coming through the commons room I took off running towards him, jostling a few bystanders.

He smiled as wide as his cheeks would allow as I jumped into his open arms. I felt the tears falling, though I could see some of the others watching us, I closed my eyes and gripped him tightly. They probably understood the need for such a reunion of two people that just saw each other yesterday. I wouldn’t care if the president himself was here watching.

He spun me once or twice and Merrick smiled sadly behind us.

“Jeff! I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come when you did. You saved me. Thank you,” I whispered, crying again as he set me back down.

“You don’t have to thank me, I’m just sorry I didn’t come it sooner. How are you doing?” he asked, wiping a tear from my cheek.

I let out a shaky sigh before speaking.

“Good. Ok, I guess. I’ll be fine, I know that. I can’t say the same for Merrick though.”

“I know. I won’t tell you about last night, just that...he loves you. I know you know but, he feels so-” he stopped and looked behind me.

I did as well. Merrick was walking closer.

“Ugh. Did you sleep at all last night?” Jeff asked him.

“Sure, some. I’m fine. Thanks again, Jeff. I owe you.”

“Come on, guys, cut it out. How about we grab some grub? I’m famished!”

We laughed as he lead the way. Jeff could always be counted on to be the same old Jeff.

After lunch I finally persuaded Merrick to come nap with me. Not much persuasion was needed and he fell right into our sleeping bag like it was the most comfortable down mattress instead of a padded slippery bag on a concrete floor.

It made me ache when people suffered not only
for
me but
because
of me. I slipped in next to him, cuddling up in his warm arms protectively around me.

I was supposed to be making him feel better, not the other way around. It still took me by surprise how the warmth from his body wasn’t just warm, it was like a slow burning candle. I felt like I was slowly melting and the tension and whatever else I was feeling just melted away. Everything that couldn’t get washed away in my shower that morning was melting away with him now.

I thought he was finally asleep and I felt it coming myself but then he spoke to me in my mind. His voice a rumble of sleepiness and love.

We can postpone the wedding if you want to. I know you’re probably not up to it after everything that’s happened...

“What? Why? Because of Phillip? That would be just giving him what he wanted. I’m don’t want to wait.”

Sherry. I’m just saying, if you want to postpone it’s ok. I understand, it’s only two days away. Are you going to be ok with it?

“What’s not to be ok with? I am gonna be Mrs. Finch and I can’t wait.”

I heard him laugh in my mind. I’d never heard that before. This laugh was so much more softer and genuine than that body could pull off. I loved it. I wished he would talk to me more often this way, with his real voice. It was so much more natural and rich, more Merrick.

Ok, if you’re really sure but, we have got to come up with something other than Finch. You were right, it’s just not working for me.
He said and laughed in my mind again.