Color of Love (30 page)

“I look awful,” Leah said, standing. “I better go and put something on. Comb my hair …”

“I know you think I’m crazy, showing up like this.”

“I wondered. Are you sure you’re all right?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Well, if you want to wait I’ll make some breakfast when I’m dressed.”

“I have to be in court by ten. Can I drop you by your office on the way downtown?”

“Sure. That would be fine,” Leah said slowly. Jason had done that only once before.

On the ride to Manhattan, he told her about the case that made it necessary for him to be in family court. There was no talk about why he’d shown up so early, or even when she’d see him again. But as Leah started to get out of the car, Jason held her arm and leaned to kiss her.

Something
was
wrong.

The kiss was fleeting and uncertain. His jaw tensed, and his eyes looked bleak. She kept her gaze on Jason as she saw the struggle within him. Leah had no idea what he wanted to say, and she was ambivalent about her own feelings. What he thought mattered. But she felt the need to be self-protective and wary. To be prepared, just in case.

“Leah …” Jason watched her breathing under the pretty rose-colored sweater. Did she seem agitated and upset? “Last night with Peggy … it didn’t mean anything.”

Leah averted her eyes and stared out the window. She watched the rush-hour swarm of people and wondered, distractedly, where did they all come from? Where were they all going? Jason touched her shoulder in a gentle squeeze.

“You mean, the date turned out badly?” She couldn’t believe how calm she sounded.

“It wasn’t a date,” he said stiffly. She was making it difficult for him. “It was …” Jason shrugged. “She used to be a friend.”

Leah smiled slightly. “You have a lot of female friends.”

Jason was reminded of Peggy’s comment on that point, and realized that Leah knew that the relationship had been more. “We’re not close anymore, but she wanted to talk.” The lie felt awful and he hoped Leah wouldn’t look too deeply into his eyes.

“Then there’s no need for you to explain to me.”

“There is. You know there is.”

“I don’t,” she insisted, shaking her head. Leah looked at him and couldn’t disguise either her anger or heartbreak. “I thought I did, but maybe I had no right to.”

“Don’t say it’s not any of your business. Don’t. It is, but …”

“I forgive you. I think that’s what this morning’s visit was all about, right?”

Jason looked helplessly at her. He couldn’t answer directly, and he couldn’t deny it.

“The truth is, Jason,” she began carefully, slowly, so that her voice wouldn’t shake, “you don’t need my forgiveness. We don’t belong to each other. There’s no commitment carved in stone, written in blood.”

He continued to stare at her, again hearing similar words that he’d said to Peggy. Only now the scenario was different. Jason narrowed his gaze, trying to decide if Leah really cared so little about their relationship, and then realized he was being unfair. After all, Leah was not the one who’d put it in jeopardy. He had.

And she was right. He did want her forgiveness.

Jason also knew suddenly that he couldn’t tell Leah about Peggy’s outburst. It had been too ugly, too cruel. And it hit him, like a cold splash of water, that she’d heard it all before.

“You mean a lot to me, Leah,” Jason whispered, and even to his own ears it seemed weak. Inadequate.

Leah tried to smile. She reached to pat his hand awkwardly where it lay on her shoulder. “And you mean a lot to me.” She wanted to put a hand up to stroke Jason’s face, and ask him, “what did he see when he looked at her this way?”

“I want to see you tonight,” Jason stated quietly.

Leah blinked at him. She thought about what
she
wanted and finally made a decision. “I can’t. Gail and I are attending something at F.I.T. It’s her alma mater.”

He nodded, disappointed.

Her smile continued tentative and sad. “Call me?” Then she murmured a breathless good-bye and quickly got out of the car.

S
OMEWHAT VIOLENTLY, GAIL TOSSED
a handful of chopped lettuce leaves and Bermuda onion rings together in a bowl. Leah could hear her sister’s long lacquered nails against the bottom and sides of the glass bowl, and they made a grating sound, like chalk on a blackboard. Leah watched the hand movements in absentminded fascination, her thoughts actually focused on the fact that she had not seen Jason in two weeks. She had been trying to analyze if the separation meant anything, but had only succeeded to making herself anxious and irritable.

She grabbed a carrot and, munching it, went to have a look at the roast in the oven. Leah frowned as she noticed that it was cooking too fast, but refrained from mentioning it. She and Gail were spending far too much time lately dickering over nonsense. Leah had come to believe that the less said about anything, the better. She nonetheless turned the oven temperature down and went back to her chair at the table.

The preparations were for dinner with Allen and two of his co-workers. Leah had offered to help with the cooking, but the offer had been brusquely declined. At any other time Gail would have been delighted to relinquish a hot, steamy kitchen to her sister, since they both knew Leah was the better cook.

Just when Leah was about to give up and wander off to do something else, Gail started to speak.

“How’s the new love life going?” she asked tersely.

“I suppose you mean Jason.”

“Are you seeing someone else I don’t know about?”

“I can’t do anything you don’t know about,” Leah responded.

“Is he any good in bed?”

Leah exclaimed in exasperation, “Do you mind? That’s not up for discussion. You’re unbelievable.”

“Well, he must be doing something for you,” Gail said in amusement. “You have a certain look about you. Hard to define. Dreamy, maybe thoughtful … maybe dumb. But it’s sure not like any look Allen or that guy Ron had ever given you.” Gail added shredded carrots to the bowl.

“Jason is different. He’s … okay,” she said quietly.

“What’s it like dating a white man?”

Leah sighed. “No different than dating a black man,” she answered.

But that wasn’t strictly true. The things that entertained Jason and which were so new to her, Allen wouldn’t have tolerated. The time spent making love would have bored Allen as well. She and Jason took a long time. Once Allen was satisfied he’d want to sleep, or get up and leave.

“And how do his parents like the idea of you two?”

Leah was defensive. “Jason and I aren’t children. We don’t need anyone’s permission. Besides, his parents are both dead.”

“How convenient. Have you wondered what Daddy would say about this? Do you realize you’re behaving like a fool?”

Leah stiffened. No, she had not really considered what their father would think. That had been deliberate on her part.

“Then we’re even,” she said shortly. “You certainly carried on over Allen.”

Gail glared at her. “You are going to get yourself hurt, Leah.”

“Is that what you hope will happen? Just to prove your point?”

Gail pushed the salad bowl away. “Dammit! Don’t pretend not to understand what I’m saying to you. You encounter the same people every day that I do. You I have to take the same crap every day that I do. You can figure it out. White men don’t look at black women the same way they look at their own kind.”

“Jason’s not like that. I think I would know it if he was,” Leah defended quietly. She threw away the rest of the carrot.

“You think!” Gail shouted in surprise. “Honey, if I was sleeping with the guy, I’d damn well want to know for sure. And if race doesn’t matter, he wouldn’t be afraid to talk about it, would he? What do you think he sees when he looks at you?”

Leah nearly stopped breathing. Hadn’t she wondered the same thing?

“I’ll tell you,” Gail said obligingly. “He sees a pretty black woman. She’s available. And she can be had. Some white dude out there”—she jabbed her paring knife in the direction of the kitchen window for emphasis—“is not going to look at us and see
us.”

“I’m only interested that Jason sees me,” Leah responded, agitated.

“It’s never going to happen. They can never seem to get past the color. That hasn’t changed in more than two hundred years, Leah.”

“Will you stop exaggerating? That’s not an argument anymore. People have choices now. I have a choice, and I’ve made mine. You’re the one being biased. You’re not even willing to give Jason a chance.”

Gail’s voice softened. “You’re giving up willingly what has always been taken by force. Don’t you have any pride, any sense of self?”

Leah felt her chest tightening. The doubt was spreading throughout her whole body, and it added horrible substance to her own fears.

“He’ll never take you seriously,” Gail pressed, watching the doubts cross her sister’s face.

“You haven’t even asked if I’m happy. Did you ever think that with Jason I might be happy?”

“Are you? Just how long do you think that will last? You have to think about what will happen when he’s decided he wants some blond, blue-eyed all-American beauty after all. Where does that leave you?”

Leah looked at her sister with some surprise and pain in her eyes. Gail had managed to put a hole in her daydream, but probably no deeper than the one Leah had been plugging up herself over the last two weeks trying to convince herself that everything was okay.

“The same place it left me when you and Allen decided you wanted each other. The same place it left me when I found out he and you were screwing around behind my back. Alone, to work it out as best I can,” she whispered.

The knot in her throat made it hard to talk. But Leah at least held off crying until she was alone in her room.

It was pouring rain outside. It was gray and windy, and the sudden gusts blew beads of water against the windows of the precinct house.

At his desk Jason absentmindedly glanced through the juvenile case folder that had made it necessary for him to be in court that morning, for the third time in as many weeks. He sat in his chair, rocking it back and forth on its hind legs. He had one foot propped against an open drawer of the desk. Every now and then he’d glance up to look out the window, but his expression was brooding. He sighed and combed a hand through his hair, still damp from his sprint through the rain from his car to the station house.

From the other desk Jason knew Joe took furtive glances at him, aware of his nervous movements. But Jason was trying to avoid talking to Joe because the subject would only come around to one thing. The fact that he was involved with Leah Downey. Jason was tired of hearing that no good would come of anything between him and Leah. He was tired of hearing the odds against it, as though their relationship was some sort of spectator sport to be bet on. He was tired of being told that if other people’s attitudes didn’t wreck it, the differences between them would.

Peggy came briefly and despairingly to mind.

Jason stole a glance at Joe, who pretended deep interest in the daily paper. Jason supposed that he should be grateful that Joe had warned him of the buzz around the precinct, that some of the talk was nasty, that Spano was the biggest instigator. On the other hand, O’Neill, Maddi, and Thompkins liked Leah and didn’t give Jason a hard time about her.

Suddenly, Joe closed the paper and leaned on his desk, staring across at Jason. “Want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?” Jason asked vaguely.

Joe shrugged indifferently and sat back in his chair. “Okay. So you don’t want to talk about it. Want to toss for who goes for lunch?”

Jason looked up with a slow, skeptical smile. “Only if we use my quarter.” He glanced out the window. “On second thought, I’m not up to going out again. I’m sick of getting wet.”

“Suit yourself. We could order in from the Chinese place. You know, Nora has been after my tail to bring you home for dinner soon. Says she needs to fatten you up. Bring Brooklyn with you.”

Jason’s eyes narrowed as he carefully regarded his colleague. “Why? Nora want to fatten her up, too?”

“Just thought you’d want to bring her, that’s all. Nora likes the lady.”

Jason continued to scrutinize Joe. “And you don’t.”

“Ain’t none of my business, man.”

“Sure you think it’s your business. And don’t give me any bullshit like it’s because Leah is black.” Jason got up abruptly and headed for a file cabinet, pulling open a drawer.

“Okay, since you mentioned it, why the fuck don’t you leave the woman alone? And it ain’t because she’s black, but because you’re white. You ain’t gonna do the woman no good, man.”

“How do you know that? Maybe she wants to be involved with me. Maybe I want to be involved with her. How about that?”

“What do you get out of it anyway, huh?” Joe asked angrily, getting up to confront Jason by the file cabinet. “Nothing but some black nookie from a better class of woman then you’re used to—”

“Fuck you …” Jason suddenly exploded, throwing his file folder at Joe.

Joe reacted quickly and pushed Jason violently against the cabinets. The metal unit rattled loudly against the back wall. Jason quickly righted himself and shoved Joe back, pushing the bigger man off balance.

“I don’t need any goddamn advice from you. Just back the hell off, okay?”

“Why not? ’Cause I’m just another nigger who you think don’t know shit?”

The shoving between the two escalated until Joe grabbed Jason’s swinging arm in a lock that stopped him from moving. Jason struggled.

“What you need is a kick in the ass. Listen up, man!” Joe thundered. Jason suddenly stopped resisting, and Joe pulled him around and then pushed him away abruptly. “You don’t know what you’re messin’ with. I’m telling you. You’re into something you can’t handle. Why you gotta make things so hard?”

“Why the hell do you care so much? Am I some sort of threat? Is it that I don’t have the right?
She
doesn’t? Who told you you could decide that for me or Leah?”

Jason and Joe glared at each other, and now that the initial angry heat of explosion was over, they both were surprised and regretful. They were friends. Partners. Why were they both so angry anyway? Neither one could put it into words. Neither one could understand what had just happened. Jason stood with his hands on his hips, breathing deeply.