Colorado Bride (43 page)

“But he still wouldn’t want to disagree with you unless he had to?”

“No, he wouldn’t,” Lucas admitted, unable to get out of it any longer, “but if you think he gave you the contract because of me, you’re mistaken. You can go into Fort Malone right now and ask him.”

“With you riding along with me, standing at my side while I asked him?” Carrie said, her feelings of betrayal making her furious. “I wouldn’t waste my time on such a fool’s errand.”

“Naturally I would stay here.”

“It wouldn’t make any difference. He would know why I was asking.” She was so thoroughly furious and hurt and bitter and confused she could hardly speak. Everything she had worked for, all the things she had tried to do to improve the station and make the customers happy, everything was meaningless next to Lucas’s yea or nay. She hadn’t proved anything at all. She was right back where she was in Virginia, dependent on the approval of some man.

“Why didn’t you tell me you owned the company from the first?”

“Why didn’t you tell me you had never been married?”

“I’ve already” answered that.”

“Well, now I’ll answer you. No one was supposed to know who I was or why I was here. I came to look around, and I couldn’t do that if everyone knew who I was. They would have been watching my every move.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“There was no reason to tell you at first, and then there never seemed to be a good time. Why didn’t you tell me you had never been married until just before we made love?”

Carrie had no answer for that.

“My being president probably wouldn’t have made any difference if I hadn’t happened to be here when Duncan arrived. And I didn’t tell him I’d asked you to marry me. I just told him to keep his hands off?’

“You might as well. It was the same thing.”

“Look, Carrie, I know how important it was for you to win this contract, but I promise you Duncan didn’t give it to you because of me. Look at this place. Do you see anything that reminds you of the dump you found when you stepped off that stage? And there’s no question that the food and the service are better. You did that and you know it. I had nothing to do with it. In fact, if you had listened to me, you’d be in Denver right now as my wife. You don’t owe any of this to me.”

“But I’m a woman.”

“Yes, and I think Duncan has seen that it can be an asset to the company. As long as he feels you can run the station and protect it, everything you do of a feminine nature is a plus. It will be even more so if this becomes an overnight station.” He almost said when. That would have told her that it was
his
decision, and he would never have gotten her to believe him after that. “Also, if this becomes an overnight station, there will be more people here on a full-time basis and your ability to run the station will be more important than your ability to protect it.” Lucas could see that Carrie was wavering, but she wasn’t convinced.

“But you’re still asking me to give up this station and go to Denver with you?”

“Yes. I can’t run the company from here even if I wanted to, and since I intend to move into railroads, I have to be where the railroads are.”

“So I’ll become just a housewife, just like any other woman.”

“Look, I’m not going to beat around the bush. I want you to be my wife and the mother of my children. I want you to be my companion, my friend, my comfort, and my solace. I don’t want you to become my vice president, and I don’t want you starting another company on your own. I know you need to feel you can do something without depending on a man, but I thought you had proved that to yourself.”

“I don’t know that I have, and I don’t know that I want to give up what I’ve got just yet.”

“One of us will have to give up our job for the other. Logic and economics say it should be you.”

“Why?”

“Don’t ask stupid questions just because you don’t like the answer you’re going to get,” Lucas said, his temper getting worse. “You’ll never earn much of a living managing this station, and it certainly wouldn’t be enough to raise a family. And my being your wrangler won’t make much difference either.”

“But as the wife of the company president, I could have a big house, servants, and the best of everything for my children.”

“Yes, you could. You would also have a lot more freedom to do what you want as an individual. If you stay here, you’ll be tied to these buildings, this very spot, because you will have to be at the beck and call of the passengers every time they come through. This station will have to be the most important thing in the world to you, no matter what else is happening in your life, no matter how much you want or need to be somewhere else. That wouldn’t be true if you married me.”

“But I would be dependent on you.”

“Carrie, don’t you understand that marriage is a partnership, that I can’t do it alone, even if I am the one to go out and earn the money?”

“I know, but why do I have to give up my position?” Carrie knew she was being irrational, but she couldn’t help it. It seemed that circumstances were hemming her in again just as tightly as they had in Virginia.

“Why is a job automatically so important, so valuable because a man is doing it? Don’t you think it takes ability and dedication to be a good wife and mother?”

“You have the gall to ask me that?” Carrie snapped, all the remembered wrongs and slights springing to her mind. “I who worked day after long day for my brother and never got a word of appreciation? Don’t you know that
any female
can be a mother.”

“No they can’t, any more than anybody can be a good station manager or a good cook or a good wrangler, any more than any man can be a good father. It takes talent and practice. It also takes dedication to see that job through to the end. You can have children because you’re a female, but you will be a good mother because you’ll work at it.”

“I know all that,” Carrie said impatiently, still feeling that circumstances were against her, “even if I’m not acting like it. I also know that you want a home and that you want me in that home all the time. I know you want children and that you want me to raise those children for you while you go out and earn millions so we can be rich.”

“Is there anything wrong with that?”

“What if I don’t want to be rich? What if I don’t mind staying here for the rest of my life and being at the beck and call of every out-of-patience passenger that comes through here?”

“I want more for you than that.”

“But suppose
I
don’t? Have you ever considered that?”

“No. I never thought anyone would dislike being rich.”

“I don’t dislike having money, but I would dislike having a husband who was always away trying to make more money. I would rather have him at home, as would his children. Do you remember telling me how much you liked your home when you were a little boy?”

Lucas nodded.

“Well, you were remembering what it was like to be at home
with
your mother and father. The house you were in, the clothes you wore, and the food you ate weren’t important. What really mattered was who was in that house with you. I don’t want to take away your company and I would never want to deny you your right to build it into anything you wanted, but I can’t live as the second, or third most important thing in your life. I don’t necessarily want to work with you, but I don’t want to be left out of what you are doing and thinking. I don’t want to be a wife who sees that the children are fed, who keeps your bed warm and satisfies your needs, but who is shunted aside when it comes to the important things. Are you willing to give up your company and take a job that will demand less of your time?”

“I don’t know,” Lucas said, suddenly feeling like a balloon someone had punctured. “But that’s not what I’m asking you to do.”

“Yes, it is. Yours may be the more important job and it may make us richer, but it’s just the same. If I can be a mother without running this station, maybe you can be a father without being a company president.”

Lucas realized that they were at an impasse. He had never thought of giving up his company, it had been a part of him ever since he could remember, and he doubted if he could turn his back on it, even for Carrie. But the thought of losing her frightened him to death.

“I do love you, Lucas, more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life, but I’ve got to be at peace with myself as well,” Carrie said finally. “I can’t marry you if it means I’ll be wanting something else all my life and wondering if I would have been happier if I’d done things differently. That would make us both miserable. And you need time to decide whether the home and family you want are going to fit into the same life with your company.”

“How long do you need? The gold will be going through in a few days, and I have to go to Denver after that.” It sounded as if he was pushing her, not thinking her time wasn’t important.

“And if I haven’t decided by then?” It sounded like a challenge.

“I’ll come back, and I’ll keep coming back until you agree to marry me. I know we have a lot of things to work out, but we will work them out because we love each other and we each want the other to be happy. As long as you love me, it will be all right.”

“I love you with all my heart,” Carrie said.

Carrie couldn’t remember when she had spent a more miserable afternoon and evening. The news of Duncan’s inspection must have traveled through the air. Two stages had come through, and everyone knew she had won a renewal and that they were considering making her station an overnight stop. It seemed as if everyone who had ever ridden the stage was anxious to offer their best wishes and predict that she would soon be running the most famous stage station in Colorado.

Much to Carrie’s bewilderment, the repeated congratulations and predictions of success served to irritate her rather than boost her spirits. After seeing the last passengers off, she threatened to lock herself in her cabin before the next stage pulled in, but no one seemed to be interested in her disordered spirits.

She hadn’t seen Lucas all afternoon, and whenever she spoke to Katie, she got the feeling her thoughts were elsewhere. She did notice that Katie found more than one occasion to go to the barn, and even though Jake had enough work to keep him busy all afternoon, Carrie saw him in the station yard twice.

Found should have been the least affected by the contract, but he seemed to be the most affected by Carrie’s ill temper. He was constantly underfoot, repeatedly wanting to know if there was anything he could do to help, until Carrie lost her temper. “If you would just talk, I could understand what you are trying to say,” she said, speaking quite sharply. “Surely you must trust us by now.”

The poor laddie has not gotten over what happened to him before he came here,” Katie said, taking Found in her arms and giving him a protective hug. “Jake says he still has nightmares about some men and what they did to his family”

“I didn’t mean to be so abrupt,” Carrie said, feeling quite angry with herself for not being able to control her feelings. It’s just that I’m rather upset right now. I think I could use some time alone.”

But Carrie found that fifteen minutes of her own company was too much, and it was a relief to head back to the kitchen and help Katie with dinner. Lucas came up to eat with them, but he didn’t ask her about her decision and he didn’t say anything about her coming to his cabin later. He acted as if they were old friends and nothing out of the ordinary was happening. When he walked out the door with a cheerful good night, Carrie felt desolated. It was almost as though he didn’t care about her answer. She told herself he did care, that he was just giving her time without putting any pressure on her, but the nagging fear that she might have finally put him off one time too many wouldn’t go away.

“I’ve decided not to marry me Brian,” Katie announced quite suddenly after Jake and Found had returned to the barn. They were putting things away for the night and getting ready for the next morning. “I’d like to stay here if it’s all the same to you.”

“You know I’d be delighted to have you. In fact, I’ve been wondering how to talk you into working here after you got married, but are you quite sure you don’t want to marry Brian?”

“Yes, ma’am, I am. I never thought much about the man I was to marry before I came here and watched you having such a hard time figuring out what to do about Mr. Barrow.”

“What do you mean?” Carrie asked, suddenly defensive.

“You know what I mean,” Katie said. “Everybody on this place knows he wants to marry you, that he has been wanting to for some weeks, and that you be trying to make up your mind what to do. Well, you see, I never thought I would have such a choice, that I would be allowed to make up me own mind about me husband, so I just accepted the first man that asked for me. But I been listening to you talk, and now I know I don’t have to do that if I don’t want to.”

“What did I say?” Carrie felt rather guilty that it had been her words that had convinced Katie to refuse Brian. It was bad enough she was making her own self miserable. She had no right to ruin Katie’s life as well.

“It wasn’t always things I overheard you saying to Mr. Barrow. It was things you did too. Seeing you run this station and all the time standing up to these men, I realized that I could decide what I wanted to do, that I didn’t have to marry Brian. Well, I have decided, and I don’t want to marry him. I mean to tell him as soon as he comes back.”